Vincenator Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) My ex-gf of a year and a half broke up with me 3, almost 4 weeks ago. I've been in NC since the week after. We were each other's first loves/gf/bf. She really came into my life at a time when I was struggling to find the motivation to keep going everyday, and I let this girl become my whole world. She was the first one on my mind, every morning and night for the last year and a half. She gave me the motivation to keep going in school and doing my best in everything. Even after the breakup, I feel like she made me realize how wrong I was living my old life, and that changed me for the better, but at the same time, I am just not taking this breakup very well. After the breakup, I've been going through what I honestly believe is the lowest point in my life so far, and I've gone through some pretty ****ty times with close family passing away. I'm really feeling like I should have dropped out of school for this school quarter because of how hard I am taking things. I'm starting to feel like this isn't even a problem that she could solve, and that this is something that I need to overcome myself. I think this is what people mean by "loving yourself" first, before loving someone else. Are these feelings normal after a breakup? I keep needing to kill off hope of me and her reconciling because I really want to move on and stop hurting. It's so hard though because I really felt that our relationship was not toxic at all. We never fought, never argued, always supported each other and made sure we were each ok. Eventually she broke up because she lost interest in me and the relationship. I know everyone says you'll find someone better and I don't doubt it, but I don't want to think about the future right now, because it still just feels so unknown and I have no control over what comes next. The past with her just brings up painful memories and reminders so I don't want to think about it either. Thinking about the past just makes me long for it again, back when I was so happy with life. I remember feeling this way even before I met her, in that I would always just be longing for the past. When I did meet her, I suddenly stopped looking to the past, but towards the future because the idea of spending our future together was just so much better. Right now, I just want to make it through the present without losing it. Any advice? Edited January 29, 2016 by Vincenator
DarkHorizon Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 At this point in life, thinking about the past will bring you pain, and thinking about the future will bring you anxiety. That means you can really only stay in the present, and that's where your mind can finally relax a little bit. In order to stay present, you have to make sure you stay distracted, and that your attention stay focused. Exercise, art, watching movies or reading books can work. Anything that keeps your thoughts to go in any direction than the present moment. It will hurt for a while. Hopefully not too long. I am getting close to the two month mark after a four year relationship. The first month hurt like hell, but NC and time are making every single day a little easier. Gotta stay on track. Best of luck to you, my friend. 1
K2z Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Tiny, tiny victories. Get up. Breathe. Maybe make a decent meal. Watch a sitcom. Go to bed at a decent hour. Eventually, work a walk or a jog into the mix. Couple pushups. Talk to a sympathetic friend. Repeat cycle for way, way longer than you feel is fair or justified. 2
Author Vincenator Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 At this point in life, thinking about the past will bring you pain, and thinking about the future will bring you anxiety. That means you can really only stay in the present, and that's where your mind can finally relax a little bit. In order to stay present, you have to make sure you stay distracted, and that your attention stay focused. Exercise, art, watching movies or reading books can work. Anything that keeps your thoughts to go in any direction than the present moment. It will hurt for a while. Hopefully not too long. I am getting close to the two month mark after a four year relationship. The first month hurt like hell, but NC and time are making every single day a little easier. Gotta stay on track. Best of luck to you, my friend. Thanks for the reply. It really helps knowing that I'm not the only one going through such pain. And I'm worried for my future relationships too... like what I went through this first time would affect me in future relationships. Like when I look back at why she would lose interest, I can only think about how I was always too available. I would always be there for her, dropping everything that I had at the moment to be there for her. I really thought this is what love should be, but some people told me that I need to have my own life out of the relationship, and that always being available would just make me look weak and that she has all the power. I agree to an extent to what these people say in that I was always too available, but is it really true that you can love someone "too much" like I did? 1
DarkHorizon Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I would always be there for her, dropping everything that I had at the moment to be there for her. I really thought this is what love should be, but some people told me that I need to have my own life out of the relationship, and that always being available would just make me look weak and that she has all the power. I agree to an extent to what these people say in that I was always too available, but is it really true that you can love someone "too much" like I did? No. You did the right thing. You loved the right way. These people talking about "power", and "looking weak" are talking about a different kind of scenario, not a win-win type of relationship, which is ideal. Because you love this way, you will get hurt a lot, but one day you will find someone who will love back the same way and be incredibly happy. People are different, relationships are different... so all you need to do, when your mind is clearer, is to remind yourself that you gave all your love, and if she didn't correspond or understood it, it is her problem, not yours. I don't think there is such thing as "loving too much". Either you love, or you don't. 1
Author Vincenator Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Thanks for the replies. I think I'm getting "love" and "smothering" mixed up. It really sucks that I didn't see that she was feeling smothered. And when I think about it, having small victories each day does sound like it would help. Baby steps into recovery... I'll probably start reading again after what seems like almost half a decade of not touching a book to read for fun. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Thanks for the replies. I think I'm getting "love" and "smothering" mixed up. It really sucks that I didn't see that she was feeling smothered. And when I think about it, having small victories each day does sound like it would help. Baby steps into recovery... I'll probably start reading again after what seems like almost half a decade of not touching a book to read for fun. Did she tell you she was feeling smothered? It's so important to maintain your own life, hobbies, friends and so on...even when in a relationship. As a woman I can you I am 100% more attracted to a man who does his own thing too, rather than making me the centre of his entire universe. It's too much pressure and yes, can lead to feeling smothered. First loves are tough, but you need to be patient and kind to yourself. Don't worry about future relationships right now. Focus on the present. Make little goals for yourself every day. When you feel sad, let it out. Time will be an important factor in your recovery.
Author Vincenator Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Did she tell you she was feeling smothered? It's so important to maintain your own life, hobbies, friends and so on...even when in a relationship. As a woman I can you I am 100% more attracted to a man who does his own thing too, rather than making me the centre of his entire universe. It's too much pressure and yes, can lead to feeling smothered. First loves are tough, but you need to be patient and kind to yourself. Don't worry about future relationships right now. Focus on the present. Make little goals for yourself every day. When you feel sad, let it out. Time will be an important factor in your recovery. She told me I was clingy... but that was when the relationship was going downhill and when she probably had breakup on her mind already. 1
DarkHorizon Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 She told me I was clingy... but that was when the relationship was going downhill and when she probably had breakup on her mind already. Interesting! I heard the exact same thing. By the time they already decided the relationship is over, ANY effort you make to save it will be interpreted as "desperate" and "clingy". Even an "I love you" won't sound good to them anymore. In other words, the more you try to reach out, the more you are pushing them away. 1
Author Vincenator Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Interesting! I heard the exact same thing. By the time they already decided the relationship is over, ANY effort you make to save it will be interpreted as "desperate" and "clingy". Even an "I love you" won't sound good to them anymore. In other words, the more you try to reach out, the more you are pushing them away. Yeah, it really feels like love works in ways opposite of what you want it to work. Even now, 4 weeks later, I find it so hard to kill hope of me and her getting back together
pseudoblepsia Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Vincenator, I can relate to you. I was dumped about 2 weeks ago and there have been better days and hellish days since then. I could almost tell there was just a little less agony each day. (I'd gone NC right away.) He kept sending me messages to ask how I'm doing which I found hard to deal with. Eventually he sent a message where he explained he's been missing me and for some reason said we should "pay attention to and remember the good things that got lost in all this". Why on earth? Because of my weak state I of course started entertaining thoughts of eventually getting back together and all that, which has now brought me back to square one in the healing process and it hurts now like it did initially. I now think it's absolutely necessary to not let those kind of thoughts into your head even if they make you feel momentarily much lighter and better. It's just so tempting, but it gets you stuck where you don't want to be. I also have this weird thing that if I for a moment distract myself and almost forget about the breakup, I feel like somehow lying to myself and deceiving myself. Apparently I should wallow in misery 24/7 til I properly get used to the idea. 1
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