Sweet Cheeks Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 So I've dated this guy on and off for 5 years. I've been married before, he hasn't been, I have 2 daughters, and he's younger than me. We started out as friends, it was fun and exciting and he was so damn good to me. Now things have fizzled in my eyes (on his end) and I'm starting to question my worth so I know it's not healthy. I approach him ab things and he gets either silent or irate saying all I do is complain, if i "knew him" is not question things so much. He also has this way of turning everything back on me. But this is where we are now, in black and white: Untags himself from some Facebook pics of us, no acknowledgement of ones I post Selfies w everyone but me No planning w or around me - trips, dates, etc. I initiate everything. Barely any texts, calls, sometimes no word on weekend nights when out w the guys. No compliments or encouragement One word convos on text Makes me wait constantly, always late Nothing sweet done for me anymore- nothing to make sure I'm happy, no warmth, flowers, cards. Everything has become tit for tat Does more for "friends" No helping me, as the man in my life, with around the house things etc No birthday or holiday wishes to my family or girls Talks down to me and assumes negative w me Talks over me constantly No compromising - what works for him is how it goes or it doesn't i.e. Not responding to text all day I know Not saying I'm perfect by any means!!! But seems the more I try the further apart we are. I need strength.
introverted1 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I see a long list of negatives and no positives. What is keeping you with him?
losangelena Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Yes, what do you need support with? Leaving this a-hole?
CarrieT Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I see a long list of negatives and no positives. What is keeping you with him? That's what I was going to ask.... Sounds like the relationship is over but he hasn't done the formal break-up and is waiting for you to get tired of being treated poorly and do the job for him. 1
Author Sweet Cheeks Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Positives : I do feel he loves me - maybe the best he can We do have fun sometimes still I'll admit it's a lot habit and comfort of the known at this point I do believe he would not let anyone hurt or harm me He's been loyal/faithful But in truth the problem is me, I don't feel strong enough to be alone. Every time I try to walk he "gets better" but it's always short lived. I realize I sound pretty pathetic.
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 So I've dated this guy on and off for 5 years. I've been married before, he hasn't been, I have 2 daughters, and he's younger than me. We started out as friends, it was fun and exciting and he was so damn good to me. Now things have fizzled in my eyes (on his end) and I'm starting to question my worth so I know it's not healthy. I approach him ab things and he gets either silent or irate saying all I do is complain, if i "knew him" is not question things so much. He also has this way of turning everything back on me. But this is where we are now, in black and white: Untags himself from some Facebook pics of us, no acknowledgement of ones I post Selfies w everyone but me No planning w or around me - trips, dates, etc. I initiate everything. Barely any texts, calls, sometimes no word on weekend nights when out w the guys. No compliments or encouragement One word convos on text Makes me wait constantly, always late Nothing sweet done for me anymore- nothing to make sure I'm happy, no warmth, flowers, cards. Everything has become tit for tat Does more for "friends" No helping me, as the man in my life, with around the house things etc No birthday or holiday wishes to my family or girls Talks down to me and assumes negative w me Talks over me constantly No compromising - what works for him is how it goes or it doesn't i.e. Not responding to text all day I know Not saying I'm perfect by any means!!! But seems the more I try the further apart we are. I need strength. Let's take this apart: The first thing that stands out to me is the 'on and off for 5 years". What are the circumstances for the on and offs?
Author Sweet Cheeks Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Distance. His job transferred him and he's been trying to move back. Things look like he maybe back this year, but it's been 2 years long-distance.
introverted1 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Positives : I do feel he loves me - maybe the best he can - Sounds half-hearted at best. We do have fun sometimes still - You can have fun with your friends. I'll admit it's a lot habit and comfort of the known at this point Think about this. I do believe he would not let anyone hurt or harm me This would be true of anyone with a decent character, including strangers on the street. He's been loyal/faithful Certainly something to look for in a partner, but also something that shouldn't be seen as extraordinary. But in truth the problem is me, I don't feel strong enough to be alone. THIS is the problem. Have you considered counseling to understand why you are willing to stay in an unrewarding relationship rather than be alone? Every time I try to walk he "gets better" but it's always short lived. I think you know what you need to do.
Author Sweet Cheeks Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Yeah I do. I guess I just needed to put it out there and hear it. 1
introverted1 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Yeah I do. I guess I just needed to put it out there and hear it. Do you have friends and/or family who can support you? In the long run you will be much happier. You deserve to be with someone who loves and appreciates you.
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Yeah I do. I guess I just needed to put it out there and hear it. Since you've said this, you need to get a grip on this statement: I don't feel strong enough to be alone -- how long after your divorce was it that you starting dating this guy?
samantha_t85 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I looked at your history really quick (noticed you have been a member here since 2012, so I was curious). This guy has been trouble for over 4 years. Why have you allowed this to go on as long as it has? Think of your daughters. Don't you want them to see a positive example of a relationship? To show them that partners should treat each other with respect and affection? You're too old and (should be) wise to be falling for this on-again off-again, aloof bad boy BS. Time for a clean break and a fresh start. You mention you're afraid to be alone. You have your daughters, no? What about other family? Friends? As it stands, this guy is distant both physically and emotionally. What will really change if you break it off, other than the constant weight on your shoulders?
Author Sweet Cheeks Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 You're all right. I guess I just have leaned on "what used to be" and get glimpses of the good and keep trying, but it's dead. Yes I have family and friends I just need to be ok being alone as far as a relationship goes - bc I basically have been anyway.
katiegrl Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Not saying I'm perfect by any means!!! But seems the more I try the further apart we are. I need strength. Well the logical answer to that is.... stop trying so hard. He doesn't appreciate your efforts, in fact it sounds like it's pushing him away. Give HIM a chance to step up and "try" and make this work. When you do everything and try to so hard, it doesn't inspire or motivate HIM to do anything and it even may turn him off (which frankly sounds like what is happening now). There is a similar thread to yours running on this board right now. It's called "Is He Just Not As Invested'? Please read it .... it might help in your situation too. G'luck!
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I looked at your history really quick (noticed you have been a member here since 2012, so I was curious). This guy has been trouble for over 4 years. Why have you allowed this to go on as long as it has? Think of your daughters. Don't you want them to see a positive example of a relationship? To show them that partners should treat each other with respect and affection? You're too old and (should be) wise to be falling for this on-again off-again, aloof bad boy BS. Time for a clean break and a fresh start. You mention you're afraid to be alone. You have your daughters, no? What about other family? Friends? As it stands, this guy is distant both physically and emotionally. What will really change if you break it off, other than the constant weight on your shoulders? Why have you allowed this to go on as long as it has? -- In another post, she said she doesn't feel strong enough to be alone . . . very telling statement.
normal person Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) "I do feel he loves me - maybe the best he can" -- This is your assumption. Not his declaration. His actions show otherwise. The fact that you even started a thread about this whole thing suggests "the best he can" isn't satisfactory for you, so it's totally irrelevant. If he doesn't make a considered effort to make you happy, and if his happiness isn't largely dependent on intertwined with yours -- which it no way seems to be -- he doesn't love you. He tolerates you. "We do have fun sometimes still" -- You can have fun with anyone anytime you want. You only have fun with this guy sometimes. Translation: when it's circumstantial or convenient. I can hang out and have fun with an ex girlfriend if I really wanted to. Fun is not contingent on actually having a relationship. If one of you died tomorrow, what would they write in the obituary? "He leaves behind his partner, who he actually managed to have fun with sometimes, still." And it doesn't sound like you're going to be having any more anytime soon. This is good as it's going to be. You said he doesn't do anything special, never plans anything, etc. Sure you still do now but again it doesn't sound like enough, nor will it get better in future because you've allowed it to get this bad and he has no reason to change. "I'll admit it's a lot habit and comfort of the known at this point" -- there's your answer right there. "I do believe he would not let anyone hurt or harm me" -- Only an evil and malicious person would let someone hurt someone else. If I had the choice I would't let anyone hurt you or anyone else if I could stop it, and I don't even know you. That's just basic human decency and I think you're trying to give him too much credit for it. Is this even that valuable of trait in reality? How many people have tried or have reason to hurt you? The cops won't let anyone hurt you either. "He's been loyal/faithful" -- Why are you giving him credit for something that's to be expected of him? This is like saying "He's never been to jail." Does this guy do anything you actually like? Anything that makes you feel good? What's the point of being with him? "But in truth the problem is me, I don't feel strong enough to be alone." -- THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. You'd rather be with someone who's indifferent about you than be alone. How can you even justify complaining about it after you say this? You know you're with the wrong person, rather than do something about it, you're just hoping you snap your fingers and he'll suddenly be perfect for you. It's not going to happen, I'm sorry. Healthy, fulfilling relationships don't require "support." They're self-sustaining. If you're not willing to break up with him to get your life in a better spot, you can't complain about being in a bad one. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Sorry to be blunt but you need to hear it without any sugarcoating. Honestly, I wish you the best of luck but you know what you should do. The problem is you're just not willing to do it. Why not threaten to break up with him, and if he doesn't change his act, throw him to the curb? Then you can at least say you tried. Edited January 29, 2016 by normal person
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I don't feel strong enough to be alone -- technically, you have been for a number of years now. And, guess what? You're still standing. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for -- it actually takes a lot of strength to push through as far as you have . . . And, you have two daughters. They are your number one priority. If this situation is draining you, trust me, they are feeling it on some level too. An emotionally worn out mother who is feeling weak isn't going to be all there for them. Put them first. Focus on what you do have and your children and focus on building a future for yourself as a strong, independent and secure woman. He is there and you are "here". You've been maintaining a residence, I assume have a job, are intelligent and resourceful. You don't need any man. You may want one, but you don't need one and certainly not this one. Pull the strength you need from deep down. It's there, it has to be. You've been through a divorce and raised two children. Don't tell me you aren't strong enough!!
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I think it is time to face your fears and lose the dead weight. It will free you up to find another man, one who knows how to treat a woman with love, kindness, and respect. That is the kind of guy you deserve. If you are already in a long distance relationship and he isn't good at communicating then it may not be such a huge transition being single. All the best. 2
Ami1uwant Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 As you said on here....have you asked him why he has done these things...like pics with friend but not you?
xcupid Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Ditch him and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck. Stay strong.
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