etherealbliss Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) Hi All, So I started talking to this guy for a few weeks or so and we finally met 2 weeks ago. Since then we've been out 5 times.. Dinner the first 2 times, then for a drive and walk in the park.. then a day watching a basketball game live and finally a quick get together at a cafe.. He also invited me to go out with him and his coworkers which I declined as I was busy.. He has invited me over to his house this weekend and he said he'll cook for me.. These outings were initiated by him but definitely encouraged by me.. He definitely doesn't seem the type to chase. Anyway here is my dilemma.. I'm very confused by this guy's motives.. I can't figure out if he is a player or something else is going on..? He's been very respectful and polite and friendly.. Always replying to texts quite fast and joking around and being playful.. Remembers every detail of everything I ever told him.. Pays for dates.. Etc. BUT he is not very physical and doesn't seem to be into PDA at all..all our 5 dates have ended with a quick peck or two on the lips.. few minutes of hand holding on couple of the dates.. but it's usually towards the end of the date.. we touch each other lightly when we talk sometimes but I feel like after 5 dates there should be a bit more? I haven't initiated much physically with him because i'm confused as to whether he wants me to or not? His texts are all friendly and he calls me gorgeous and beautiful sometimes but they don't sound too boyfriendy.. as in no relationship talk... He continues to ask me out though and treats me well and I'm so baffled as to whether i'm being played (although he is far from pushing things physically) or he just wants to be friends or just waiting for me to initiate?? He also has a lot of female friends and is generally a popular and super handsome guy (in case this info matters).. I'm very into him and attracted to him but how should I figure out what he wants out of this? I don't want to sound like I'm unhappy or rushing things.. help please! Edited January 28, 2016 by etherealbliss 1
Buddhist Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 For goodness sake, wake up please. - Men do not ask women on dates and pay for them if they are not 'into this'. :roll eyes: - Is it really a big deal if he hasn't tried to grab your breasts or stick his tongue down your throat by date three? - He invited you to his house, most likely so he can actually do these things. He didn't want to do it in public. - Where the hell do you get player out of this? WTF.... It's obvious what this guy's intentions are, plain as day and you're second guessing the whole thing because he's not using the script you're used to. He's not being boyfriendy because he hasn't yet grabbed your breasts or stuck his tongue down your throat, it would probably come off weird if he did at this stage. 6
SwordofFlame Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Hi All, So I started talking to this guy for a few weeks or so and we finally met 2 weeks ago. Since then we've been out 5 times.. Dinner the first 2 times, then for a drive and walk in the park.. then a day watching a basketball game live and finally a quick get together at a cafe.. He also invited me to go out with him and his coworkers which I declined as I was busy.. He has invited me over to his house this weekend and he said he'll cook for me.. These outings were initiated by him but definitely encouraged by me.. He definitely doesn't seem the type to chase. Anyway here is my dilemma.. I'm very confused by this guy's motives.. I can't figure out if he is a player or something else is going on..? He's been very respectful and polite and friendly.. Always replying to texts quite fast and joking around and being playful.. Remembers every detail of everything I ever told him.. Pays for dates.. Etc. BUT he is not very physical and doesn't seem to be into PDA at all..all our 5 dates have ended with a quick peck or two on the lips.. few minutes of hand holding on couple of the dates.. but it's usually towards the end of the date.. we touch each other lightly when we talk sometimes but I feel like after 5 dates there should be a bit more? I haven't initiated much physically with him because i'm confused as to whether he wants me to or not? His texts are all friendly and he calls me gorgeous and beautiful sometimes but they don't sound too boyfriendy.. as in no relationship talk... He continues to ask me out though and treats me well and I'm so baffled as to whether i'm being played (although he is far from pushing things physically) or he just wants to be friends or just waiting for me to initiate?? He also has a lot of female friends and is generally a popular and super handsome guy (in case this info matters).. I'm very into him and attracted to him but how should I figure out what he wants out of this? I don't want to sound like I'm unhappy or rushing things.. help please! A guy who initiates and pays for 5 dates doesn't want to be just friends. You can eliminate that. 3
Author etherealbliss Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 A guy who initiates and pays for 5 dates doesn't want to be just friends. You can eliminate that. That's why i'm so confused because there are mixed signals with his actions.. I'm just use to guys being a little more physical.. don't mean sex but maybe a more passionate kiss after several dates or more hand holding and romantic texts.. something to hint they are interested in moving towards something more? 2
SwordofFlame Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 That's why i'm so confused because there are mixed signals with his actions.. I'm just use to guys being a little more physical.. don't mean sex but maybe a more passionate kiss after several dates or more hand holding and romantic texts.. something to hint they are interested in moving towards something more? He invited you over to his house to cook you dinner for the next date. He's expecting sex to happen afterwards. Or maybe even before. 1
Author etherealbliss Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 For goodness sake, wake up please. - Men do not ask women on dates and pay for them if they are not 'into this'. :roll eyes: - Is it really a big deal if he hasn't tried to grab your breasts or stick his tongue down your throat by date three? - He invited you to his house, most likely so he can actually do these things. He didn't want to do it in public. - Where the hell do you get player out of this? WTF.... It's obvious what this guy's intentions are, plain as day and you're second guessing the whole thing because he's not using the script you're used to. He's not being boyfriendy because he hasn't yet grabbed your breasts or stuck his tongue down your throat, it would probably come off weird if he did at this stage. No obviously I didn't mean I want him to disrespect me by my comment? Just maybe hold my hand longer on date 5? The reason I get player is I always hear people say if a guy only texts and has a lot of female friends and never talks about his intentions or talks about the future then these are red flags.. but maybe i'm bad at reading signals and that's why I appreciate your input.. I'm happy to hear you don't think he's just being respectful! 1
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 That's why i'm so confused because there are mixed signals with his actions.. I'm just use to guys being a little more physical.. don't mean sex but maybe a more passionate kiss after several dates or more hand holding and romantic texts.. something to hint they are interested in moving towards something more? At 5 dates it's OK to have a casual conversation about what you each are looking for for yourselves out of your dating journeys . . . get clarity. Nothing wrong with making sure you're on the same page to start with even if it appears he's the serious type. You simply make a statement about what you're looking for for yourself (not necessarily with him yet) and let him tell you his goal. Simple, grown up conversation.
loveweary11 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 For goodness sake, wake up please. - Men do not ask women on dates and pay for them if they are not 'into this'. :roll eyes: - Is it really a big deal if he hasn't tried to grab your breasts or stick his tongue down your throat by date three? - He invited you to his house, most likely so he can actually do these things. He didn't want to do it in public. - Where the hell do you get player out of this? WTF.... It's obvious what this guy's intentions are, plain as day and you're second guessing the whole thing because he's not using the script you're used to. He's not being boyfriendy because he hasn't yet grabbed your breasts or stuck his tongue down your throat, it would probably come off weird if he did at this stage. Buddhist, you'd be surprised to see the majority of single women in their 20's would react exactly as the OP did. This is that female insistence on getting right to sex I always go on about. As a guy, you have to do it and be damn good it it very quickly now. It's unfortunate many can no longer appreciate a burning, simmering courtship that literally explodes into passion from the tension anymore. Instead, they second guess. 2
lilmissjava Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I would be flattered that he is treating you like a gentleman should. A lot of guys are quick to display their true intentions. I am sure you won't be disappointed after he cooks for you and spend some one-on-one time together. Some people just don't take to PDA or rushing the physical.
Author etherealbliss Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 He invited you over to his house to cook you dinner for the next date. He's expecting sex to happen afterwards. Or maybe even before. But we are going to go from a peck on the lips for 5 dates straight to sex? I doubt and i'm not one to jump into sex before a serious romantic relationship has developed but i'll keep you posted..
Author etherealbliss Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) Buddhist, you'd be surprised to see the majority of single women in their 20's would react exactly as the OP did. This is that female insistence on getting right to sex I always go on about. As a guy, you have to do it and be damn good it it very quickly now. It's unfortunate many can no longer appreciate a burning, simmering courtship that literally explodes into passion from the tension anymore. Instead, they second guess. I am not one of those single women.. I would not have sex anytime soon and not unless we were in love.. If this was in a year so be it.. I don't care how hot you are.. i'm old fashioned.. Why did everyone assumed I mean sex when I said a bit more hand holding and physical affection.. wanting something a little more than a peck doesn't mean necessarily sex? But you're right maybe i'm use to 85% of men and this guy is one of the rare slow and steady type.. I hope so.. I'm just questioning something i'm not use to! Edited January 28, 2016 by etherealbliss 1
SwordofFlame Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I suspect you'll get your answers on this next date.
Author etherealbliss Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 I suspect you'll get your answers on this next date. Well I hope so.. now that it's been mentioned I do find the possibility of him building heat up slowly quite intriguing.. Different than most guys of i've dated.. I just hope I won't let doubt and insecurity take over..
Buddhist Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Buddhist, you'd be surprised to see the majority of single women in their 20's would react exactly as the OP did. This is that female insistence on getting right to sex I always go on about. As a guy, you have to do it and be damn good it it very quickly now. It's unfortunate many can no longer appreciate a burning, simmering courtship that literally explodes into passion from the tension anymore. Instead, they second guess. It's all these stupid relationship books that give people ridiculous scripts to follow and expect, otherwise they should move on asap. It seriously has caused more problems than it's solved. Dating and relationships used to be easy, both people show interest, at some point you have sex and become a couple. Now it's all about comparison shopping and trying to find 'the one', not the one person you like, but the one who is running the same script as you and will tick all your boxes perfectly so you can feel secure. Totally maddening. My current partner is in this generation and honestly he's got a whole bunch of wtf going on in dating style. If I hadn't been persistent and willing to just ignore the odd behaviours and see things through we never would have gotten together. He just expected me to constantly read his mind and understand that when he's standing around with his face buried in a phone that's a signal for me to approach him. Not on my planet. That's a signal to back the hell away because he's preoccupied. I just don't get the social skills, or rather lack of them this generation has. Just no idea how to relate to another human being. Constantly confused by something as obvious as clear interest, never believing it's actually happening and seeking reassurance or having one foot out the door just in case they can't trust their perceptions. I find the current generation the most insecure yet. 1
walkingonair Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Hmmm there could be many reasons... How old is he and what does he do for a living?
Author etherealbliss Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Hmmm there could be many reasons... How old is he and what does he do for a living? He is 31 and he is in IT. What reasons are you thinking?
loveweary11 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I am not one of those single women.. I would not have sex anytime soon and not unless we were in love.. If this was in a year so be it.. I don't care how hot you are.. i'm old fashioned.. Why did everyone assumed I mean sex when I said a bit more hand holding and physical affection.. wanting something a little more than a peck doesn't mean necessarily sex? But you're right maybe i'm use to 85% of men and this guy is one of the rare slow and steady type.. I hope so.. I'm just questioning something i'm not use to! That's probably it. I apologize for making it seem like you caused the situation. Really, my post was off on a tangent. It was more just talking directly to Buddhist. I mean you make a good point. It's not like women in their 20's exist in a vacuum. The guys in their 20's are half the equation to what Buddhist and I feel frustrated with, as older people seeing people in their 20's. It's a frustrating way to develop relationships. I'm never lucky enough to get slower ones like you. It's all instasex with everyone for me. I complain about it a lot here, because in my experience, you completely lose a girl's attention if you aren't making her scream by at least second date. Takes all the fun out of it for me. A lot of IT guys are sensitive, thoughtful, respectful people. Thinking is their job. He is probably going slow out of respect and yes... may be nervous to make the first move.
fitnessfan365 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I am not one of those single women.. I would not have sex anytime soon and not unless we were in love.. If this was in a year so be it.. I don't care how hot you are.. i'm old fashioned.. This sounds contradictory. First you question the guy's motives because he is taking his time physically. But then you turn around and say that you're old fashioned and don't like to rush into sex. So shouldn't that mean that you'd appreciate his slower physical approach? BTW - You seriously like to wait up a year to have sex?!
xcupid Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 A player would be looking for sex as soon as possible. Doesn't sound like he's one to me based on what you're saying here. Let things unfold and see where it leads.
Author etherealbliss Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 This sounds contradictory. First you question the guy's motives because he is taking his time physically. But then you turn around and say that you're old fashioned and don't like to rush into sex. So shouldn't that mean that you'd appreciate his slower physical approach? BTW - You seriously like to wait up a year to have sex?! You didn't read my post properly.. that alone wasn't the issue.. thE reason for confusion was because he always only texts and never calls.. has a ton of female friends and his text interactions with me although friendly and playful, are never romantic in nature... so the combination of these things makes it hard for me to read him and wonder his intentions.
walkingonair Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I dated a guy like this and what I can say is that it seems he's either still not over an ex but at the same time he doesn't want to lose you. Try to find out a bit about his previous relationship...
AndOrchid Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) OP, posters are being a bit harsh on you (ignore the bitter ones). I think I know what you are talking about. It's not that you want to rush things physically. Rather, other than the facts (planning dates, paying for you) suggesting a dating situation, you don't feel like your interactions are romantic in nature? Did you ever discuss what you are looking for during your dates? Do you feel an emotional connection? I was once dating a guy and it was an almost identical situation. After something like 10 dates where he hadn't even attempted to hold my hand, I went over to his place. He cooked dinner, we had some wine and then he finally kissed me. Then, he tried to escalate to sex but it felt so unnatural and forced given the lack of any sort of romantic build up that I was completely turned off and ended up leaving. Eventually, after some time had passed, I found out that he had recently gone through a breakup and was not over his ex at that time. I would suggest bringing up expectations and ask him what he's looking for. Also, like another poster suggested, discuss relationship history to try to get some clues there. Good luck! Edited January 29, 2016 by AndOrchid
Author etherealbliss Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) OP, posters are being a bit harsh on you (ignore the bitter ones). I think I know what you are talking about. It's not that you want to rush things physically. Rather, other than the facts (planning dates, paying for you) suggesting a dating situation, you don't feel like your interactions are romantic in nature? Did you ever discuss what you are looking for during your dates? Do you feel an emotional connection? I was once dating a guy and it was an almost identical situation. After something like 10 dates where he hadn't even attempted to hold my hand, I went over to his place. He cooked dinner, we had some wine and then he finally kissed me. Then, he tried to escalate to sex but it felt so unnatural and forced given the lack of any sort of romantic build up that I was completely turned off and ended up leaving. Eventually, after some time had passed, I found out that he had recently gone through a breakup and was not over his ex at that time. I would suggest bringing up expectations and ask him what he's looking for. Also, like another poster suggested, discuss relationship history to try to get some clues there. Good luck! Thank you for your helpful reply. He has been single for 2-3 months and his last relationship was for 4 months.. I'm in the same boat and totally over my ex.. His longest relationship has been 11 months.. When I asked him what he looks for he said definitely not a fling.. but that's all he said.. Should I try to dig deeper? Edited January 29, 2016 by etherealbliss
AndOrchid Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Ok, it's probably safe to say he's not hung up on his ex. I think it's always a good idea to be clear about what the other person is looking for to make sure you are on the same page. I guess, see how the date at his place goes. Who knows, maybe he's more comfortable with showing affection/being romantic in a private setting. Do you ever flirt with him? Does he flirt back?
Author etherealbliss Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Hi, So I thought I'd give an update on the situation. I did go over to his house for dinner on Saturday and I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was very cuddly, holding my hand and kissing me all evening! He also initiated talking about deeper subjects.. I was a happy girl.. Yesterday we went for lunch and did some shopping. He wasn't as distant as before and he held my hand a lot so things have definitely improved in that regard. I just think that he isn't into too much PDA and wants to move things slower, which is a pleasant change from what i'm use to. I was very happy this weekend and we'll see how things progress. I work evening shift this week and won't be able to see him all week, I'm hoping our connection stays strong!
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