I saw my Ex-Girlfiend on my birthday now I'm so ...

[DoritoLover]

Hi again guys

 

So, here I am again.....

 

Yesterday was my 40th birthday, my ex girlfriend of 6 years and I used to have a tradition of staying up until midnight and seeing in our birthdays with cake and wine.

 

She called me they day before my birthday and invited me to her place to do the 'cake and wine' thing. I agreed after not seeing her for nearly 2 weeks. Nothing happened between us, we just hung out, listened to some music and she gave me a cake with candles at midnight.. we stayed up until 1am chatting and then i got a taxi home. When I got home I realised that I want to get back together with her.

 

It's now the day after my birthday and I've spent the whole day thinking about her, thinking about how to get things going again.

 

We broke up in December 2015 after I found out that she was into another guy and had been texting him. She since admitted that it was a stupid thing to do and that it was just a crush on this guy and nothing happened between them.

 

I'm feeling pretty down about the whole situation but I'm resisting contacting her again, I need some advice, would you guys say to go back into no contact or to keep communicating at this stage?

 

Also, when i asked her why she kept contacting me even after I said I need some time to myself she said she wanted things between us to go into 'another phase' when I asked her what that meant she went quiet, said 'i'm not sure, it's all a bit confusing' and quickly changed the subject.

 

My head is reeling and my stomach is in knots here guys, what do i do for the best?

 

Thanks!

[ChickiePops]

First of all happy belated birthday!

 

Second, this may be an unpopular opinion, but I would suggest having a frank conversation with her. I mean..she admitted she did something wrong, she apologized..were there any other reasons for the break up? Were you happy otherwise?

 

Is she willing to keep her phone unlocked? Is she willing to have a fully open and honest relationship?

 

My ex-fiance did something similar (we broke up for different reasons). I took him back afterwards and had full access to his phone and email and, after a while, I didn't need it anymore. He earned my trust back.

[DoritoLover]

First of all happy belated birthday!

 

were there any other reasons for the break up? Were you happy otherwise?

 

 

Hi! Thanks for replying, it really does help a lot!

 

We were very happy for the fist 3 years of the relationship, then we separated briefly (2 months) she started seeing another guy briefly, and I hooked up with an old flame a couple of times. She came back to me and said she wanted to start again with me. We then had another 2 and a half years in a happy relationship, with the odd ups and downs like every couple.

 

Then we moved to London in March of last year, we both became extremely busy with our professional lives and things went a bit off due to not seeing much of each other and conflicting schedules. This is when she got a crush on another guy while she was away working for 2 weeks.

 

We've been split up since early December and I went full no contact two weeks ago, after the first 10 days she texted me, called me just about everyday and we hung out.

 

Every time we hang out she's keen to ask if I'm dating or seeing someone, which I'm not, I've been for drinks with someone but that's it and that was just platonic.

 

I really want to talk to her but I know she's working on a project for 2 days so I don't want to disturb her, also I think that no contact was working before, she seemed interested in my life again, and even became affectionate when we met.

 

Should I wait until she contacts me? I'm feeling pretty low and finding it hard to think of anything else.

[Chi townD]

 

 

Also, when i asked her why she kept contacting me even after I said I need some time to myself she said she wanted things between us to go into 'another phase' when I asked her what that meant she went quiet, said 'i'm not sure, it's all a bit confusing' and quickly changed the subject.

 

My head is reeling and my stomach is in knots here guys, what do i do for the best?

 

Thanks!

 

 

I'll tell you what that means. It means that she wanted to get you into the "friend zone".

[DoritoLover]

I'll tell you what that means. It means that she wanted to get you into the "friend zone".

 

Ok, so would your advice be to go back into full no contact? I can't just be friends with her, I tried when we first split up but it upset me too much and felt too traumatic to deal with.

[LydiaLong]

What she meant about wanting your relationship to go into a 'different phase' is that she wants to keep her options open while still seeing you occasionally.

 

Trust me on this one.

[Been]

I'm going to be honest with you.

She got caught cheating on you.

I bet she doesn't even talk to him anymore.

If she wanted you back she could tell you right there and then.

She's using you for a security blanket. You more then likely treated her like gold and she threw it away for what?To get attention from a random guy!?!?

But here is what's going to happen if I had to guess.

You are going to take her back. She knows it and so do you.

Everything she will do you will question-she took the trust from the relationship.

A couple of months will go by and she will replace you with someone else. And it will seem sudden but it really wasn't.

Happy belated birthday.

[Been]

And trust me when I tell you she's lying about only texting the guy.

Funny how when most people get caught texting other people things they shouldn't they "never did anything".

[mightycpa]

Yeah. You should buy her a whole case of Dindoo Muffins that she can share with her next boyfriend.

[ChickiePops]

Hi! Thanks for replying, it really does help a lot!

 

We were very happy for the fist 3 years of the relationship, then we separated briefly (2 months) she started seeing another guy briefly, and I hooked up with an old flame a couple of times. She came back to me and said she wanted to start again with me. We then had another 2 and a half years in a happy relationship, with the odd ups and downs like every couple.

 

Then we moved to London in March of last year, we both became extremely busy with our professional lives and things went a bit off due to not seeing much of each other and conflicting schedules. This is when she got a crush on another guy while she was away working for 2 weeks.

 

We've been split up since early December and I went full no contact two weeks ago, after the first 10 days she texted me, called me just about everyday and we hung out.

 

Every time we hang out she's keen to ask if I'm dating or seeing someone, which I'm not, I've been for drinks with someone but that's it and that was just platonic.

 

I really want to talk to her but I know she's working on a project for 2 days so I don't want to disturb her, also I think that no contact was working before, she seemed interested in my life again, and even became affectionate when we met.

 

Should I wait until she contacts me? I'm feeling pretty low and finding it hard to think of anything else.

 

So it sounds like it was a situational break up rather than drifting apart.

 

That's why I would suggest a very open conversation. You don't know what she meant by 'enter another phase'..of course it could mean friend zone, as was suggested above, or it could mean that she wanted to discuss marriage, or something of the like.

 

NC is not a tool to get someone back, it's a tool to heal. So no, it actually has not worked for you. It has, however, made you believe that breaking up was a mistake.

 

What you do have to prepare yourself for though is the possibility of rejection, and if that happens, it's time to go FULL NC for good.

 

I would wait until after her big project..you wouldn't want to distract her from that..and then I would suggest a talk in a quiet place. I would tell her how you feel..that you'd like to try again..and if she says yes, I would recommend full honesty in the relationship..unlocked phones, emails..etc..and let her know that she needs to earn your trust back. If she says no, I would simply say goodbye and then block her number. Do not beg, do not make a fool of yourself. Just prepare yourself to let go and follow through with it.

 

I'm sure many people here will disagree with me, but your case sounds different to me than most other cases here. You didn't break up because one of you fell out of love, you broke up because she made a HUGE mistake. One that you seem to believe you can get over.

 

If I was in your position, I would never forgive myself if I didn't have one honest conversation about it.

[bluefeather]

Sounds like she just used you on your birthday.

[DoritoLover]

So it sounds like it was a situational break up rather than drifting apart.

 

That's why I would suggest a very open conversation.

 

Thanks again for the reply. So what you're saying is that it's ultimatum time?

 

I'd like to give things another go but in a different way, we live separately now after living together for 6 years, so that's pretty tough... I'm used to having her to talk to about funny little things that happen during the day, now i just laugh to myself and miss her being around.

 

I'd happily go back to how we were at the beginning of the relationship, living separately, meeting up when we have the time, going on dates etc.... but I'm a little bit concerned that if i tell her that i want to give it another go in this way that she'll say no.

 

If she doesn't want to give it another go then I feel like i'll have to cut her out of my life completely, which is not a good thought.

 

I guess i should just arrange to meet her and tell her what's on my mind right?

[theredpill]

No you should tell her you're not interested in being friends anymore if that's all she can offer. It's clear you want more than that and that's all she's offering. Don't be a dick, tell her she's awesome and it's been great, but what's done is done and you no longer want to talk to her. This is why no contact is successful for some (1-10 at most) because the best way to get someone's attention is to remove yours.

 

 

It's a long time you've been together, I know what's it's like after 11 years - really feel ya pain, but you have to stand up for yourself - she's playing you.

 

 

If she wants it to work, she'll bang your door down, there is absolutely nothing you can say to her right now that will make you look good or change her mind. If you think there is.... you're lying to yourself and most of the people here will tell you the same, she knows what you want - stop rationalising.

 

 

Ya gotta do it man, don't be lil biatch begging her to come back or any of that BS she'll just end up with another man, who isn't chasing her like a puppy.

[DoritoLover]

 

 

Ya gotta do it man, don't be lil biatch begging her to come back or any of that BS she'll just end up with another man, who isn't chasing her like a puppy.

 

I'm not about to beg or plead with her to get back together, I was doing pretty good in the 2 weeks of no contact, i did all the right things, started eating well, exercising, concentrating on my degree (i'm a mature student studying towards a degree in audio production and freelancing as a foley artist) and by week 2 i was actually starting to feel happy and comfortable with the idea of not seeing her. Then my birthday comes around and bam! I'm back to feeling like my heart is being ripped through my chest, not sleeping well, thinking about the relationship constantly.

 

I actually said to her on my birthday that I'm glad it's out of the way because it's the last big emotional time that we shared together for so long, her response was to say that it's soon valentines day, my heart sank.

 

It's like we've broken up all over again, so i think no contact is the best idea but I think i need to tell her that I want to give it another go, and if she says no then just cut her out completely.

 

Man I need sleep but i can't help going over it all in my mind.

[foam12]

I am back here too today after a weird incident occurred today with my ex. I had suspicions that my ex was trying to get back with her ex right before she dumped me, but she denied it and I believed her even though my gut told me otherwise. While your story is slightly different, I think she is keeping you around as an option whether it be Plan A or B. I don't like to be an option, so I'd say follow your gut, but remember that everyone deserves better than to be an option.

[DoritoLover]

While your story is slightly different, I think she is keeping you around as an option whether it be Plan A or B. I don't like to be an option, so I'd say follow your gut, but remember that everyone deserves better than to be an option.

 

 

Hey, thanks for the reply, I hope you're doing ok... I'm sorry you're going through it as well.

 

Yeah, I hate feeling like an option more than the anxiety created by not knowing if she wanted to be with me or not, it's worse than being on my own. i felt much better in the 2nd week of no contact, i still thought about her everyday but in a way that was under my control, you know? I made the decision to go into no contact so it made my moments of sadness and loneliness easier to bear, because it was my doing.

 

Now I feel helpless again after her comment about valentines day, because i don't know if she was throwing that out as a possible reconciliation day or just using it to keep me hanging on and not moving on too quickly. I suspect the latter is the truth in my gut though

[foam12]

The anxiety will stay a while. It has been two months for me with no contact until last week. It will drive you crazy thinking about how she felt about you throughout the relationship and after when you look back. I stopped thinking about that, but still do think about her everyday. Some days I think about her a lot and some not so much. Some days go by fast and some go by slow. I hope that you get some resolution soon and either move on together or apart. Wish you well

[ChickiePops]

Thanks again for the reply. So what you're saying is that it's ultimatum time?

 

I'd like to give things another go but in a different way, we live separately now after living together for 6 years, so that's pretty tough... I'm used to having her to talk to about funny little things that happen during the day, now i just laugh to myself and miss her being around.

 

I'd happily go back to how we were at the beginning of the relationship, living separately, meeting up when we have the time, going on dates etc.... but I'm a little bit concerned that if i tell her that i want to give it another go in this way that she'll say no.

 

If she doesn't want to give it another go then I feel like i'll have to cut her out of my life completely, which is not a good thought.

 

I guess i should just arrange to meet her and tell her what's on my mind right?

 

No no, don't pose it like an ultimatum! Just tell her what you want and what you need to make the relationship work (and being friends wouldn't work for you, so just don't put it on the table at all). If she doesn't agree or if she's not interested, walk away and don't look back..no contact and healing. ultimatums are threatening and they tend to scare people away.

[jen1447]

I don't think it's doomsday. What's the big deal - just talk to her and hash it out.