I think I really love this guy. . .

[blue_eyes18]

I just need to talk about this, and this seems to be a good place cause ya'll give good advice sounds like. I have visited this place before, but not to talk about the guy I am upset about. I don't want to say I am in love, cause it sounds so craZY. But I know I do love this guy. I just can't figure out to what extent. Can you love someone that much who you aren't even with anymore? Ok, just to try to sum it up, last year, I started dating this guy that I sorta new when I was just a little girl. I am 19, he is 24 now. Well, I dated him and then found out he was doing drugs. This was after I really started liking him! Well, before I knew, he would always help me out and stuff and we always talked and laughed and had fun together. We really connected it seemed like. I was stressed real bad, and also I have a son. Well, I remember before we broke up or whatever, he was saying he wasn't a good example for my son. I was like WTF? Then it made since just a few days later.

Well, after him going 2 months and me not hearing from him, he called me. I was not mad at him, it was so hard to stay mad at him for some reason. Well, I hung out with him a little and then he just disappeared again. So, over the next 3 months or so, I would see him driving down the road or something. Then it got to where I was dating someone else and he saw me leaving their house and he hit his brake lights. I was letting someone else drive my car, so I told them to pull over. He asked me what Iw as doing. This time it was to where I hadn't chased him or anything like that, and I just acted happy to see him, cause the time before I just acted like I didn't even care about him anymore. I think it surprised him. Well, I got in with him and it felt like old times. We just talked. He told me how he was sitting there earlier wishing he could talk to me, and then he saw me. He broke down to me that night and cried and I sat there for like 3 hours listening to him. He went to rehab like a day or 2 later, and he even called me from there like 3 times! When he got out, I didn't hear from him much, then like 2 or 3 weeks later, he called me and wanted me to hang out with him. I was so happy to hear from him, and kinda surprised, that I said ok. So, he was trying to be all over me, not sexually really. But even after that, he wanted to be with me EVERY day and if he wasn't, he would call me. He wanted to pick me up from work sometimes and even run errands for me to help me out while I was working at my old job! lol

Well, this all lasted about 3 or 4 weeks, and then he just said maybe we shouldn't see each other as much. I just acted like I didn't care, the best I could anyways. I know I was stressed out real bad for a week or so, and I don't think

that helped matters. I still live with one of my parents(only 19, ha) and he does too. Heck, he gets everything handed to him, so why not? He needs to move out on his own like he used to be. Anyways, us not talking all the sudden after that period of time sucked. I thought he was straightened up more and things were looking up. He was really trying to make me happy and be with me it seemed like.

I think some of the problem

has to do with the fact that my son's father is dead and the grandmother got pissed cause she couldn't keep my son with her 24/7 and she wanted to try to start a custody battle. Well, the day we quit talking

was the day of the deposition. The guy sat in my car while I was inside, and that woman came out threatening him and stuff. I think it scared him, cause he said my car didn't need to be seen at his house right now, cause of all that. Although the woman is only bull****ing and doesn't have a snowball chance in hell, it still freaked him out. It kinda did me too, but the woman doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Anyways, I saw him the other day, and he said how weird it was that he had just been thinking about me before I saw him, wondering if I had started my new job yet. Well, he called me later, we ended up having sex

, and then I saw him 2 days later. He doesn't really go anywhere, I mean, he will help his friend out and make some money some, and sometimes hang out with a couple of his guy friends, but that's it. Anyways, the other day

e was sitting there acting like he didn't want to date anyone, yet he was hugging me and he even tried to kiss me. He just kept holding me. I was trying to tell him how i feel about him, but I can't. I cried a little cause I told him I don't like being reminded we aren't together, but I put it in a different wa.y I don't know if he understood anything Iw as trying to tell him. THen I think he knows everything.

And anyone can say it just for sex, but we went a long time spending everyday together and not having sex. So, I don't think that's really it.

Despite what it may sound like, I do have high standards, I just can't understand why I feel like I love him. I never tell anyone I love him, I just don't. But what else is this? I have never let a guy do this to me. I mean, normally, any kind of drama like that would have basically ended any attraction for a guy. But with this guy, it just seems like we are so good together. It is something I can't explain and don't understand. And I miss him so much when he is gone, but still. He even used to say that he felt like he has known me for a really long itme. It was sometihng unexpected. I meant to just hang out with him and some others, and look what it turned into.

Even if we never are together again, I will always care for him. I just wish that I knew what to do. I feel like I am wasting my time, especially if he is using drugs. He is not a heavy drug user anymore. I feel so ignorant even talking about someone like that, but that's the problem , I can't figure out why I DO care so much when I wouldn't for someone else like that. It's him, his personality, everything, it just makes me happy. I think sometimes that he can't have a relationship with me, a steady one, and he told me last time we broke up or whatever that he can't do anything for me and that he doesn't want to hold me back somehow. He has said a lot of things, and why does he say those things and then stare at me and hug me and want to spend so much time with me?

Last time, I could tell he was better. I think he likes me, he just can't have a real relationship with ANY girl because he had a bad problem, and has been trying to get better. Some people tell me he really isn't trying to get better, and that he is always doped up. I wish I could just face that. It hurts too much, cause I want to be his friend, and I think I can handle it, and then when I get back around him, it starts hurting real bad. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think that I am wasting my time, but then again, I am not. Cause no matter what or how long I go and not see him, I always have that same feeling for him again. It;s like it just never goes away. We have cried together and so many other things. And he is always asking about my little boy who is 2.

I hope someone on here understands, I am just needing some kind of advice as to maybe what I should do. I can't always keep hurting, but it's kinda unavoidable, considering I will end up running into him or something. I think he misses me sometimes, too. Why else would he say some things he says?

Should I just not talk to him about any of this next time I see him, or should I act like I want to be with him? I don't want to make things more complicated by talking about it. Even after everything changing a lot over the past year I still want to be with him. Maybe I should just stay away? I know after I put my foot down and wouldn't even wave at him hardly, soon he was wanting to be with me all the time. I don't know if his drugs make him disappear or if he just doesn't give a damn(which is kinda hard to believe) I have plenty of reasons to think he really does give a damn.

Well, this is day 2 I haven't seen him. I know he will call me sometime soon prolly, I don't know. I just don't get the mixed messages I have always received from him once we broke up. What to do? ha

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

[runner]

if you think about him that much, you might be in love; and it sounds like he prolly feels the same way about you too.

 

bear in mind, love usually does come from where, when and how you both least expect it. sometimes its just a matter of accepting the situation. good luck

[blue_eyes18]

He called me last night like right after I posted this! lol

He said he was sorry he didn't call Monday, that he ended up working with his friend and his friend kept stopping and talking to people. I don't know, I am just glad he called! I love hearing from him. We didn't get to talk long cause he called from someone's phone and they got a beep. He asked me how my day was at work and stuff. He said he would call me "tomorrow or something" and then he got a beep. He told me to hold on blut those people stayedo n their phone so I hung up. I wonder if he will call me today.

I mean, if he thinks he can't handle a relationship, I don't want to scare him away because I like him in my life. When I saw him the other day like I was talking about, I asked him why he acts like he is afraid to talk to me sometimes, like why does he go for weeks sometimes and not talk to me? He said he didn't mean to, and another t ime he said he just didn't want to get anything started. THen I told him I am tired of him shoving that in my face. That I just want him around and stuff. And that I want to keep it simple. If I don't ask questions, that will prolly help more than nagging ro something. Yan know? I just odn't get why he has to hug me and try to kiss me, and say that he was thinking of me and how this song he hears reminds him of when we went somewhere together and all that stuff. I think it just scares him maybe, to think he is a real serio9us relationship or something?

 

Runner said you think he might have the same feelings I do, but how could he if he says he isn't trying to date someone? Like I said, I think he is just scared and thinks he can't do anything for me cause I am a single mother and trying to work and get through college. He had a drug problem and his mom and dad hand him money. So I can understand the problem and what he might be feeling, it's just that sometimes I wonder if it is just a waste of time and what if he doesn't feel the way I think he does? I think? It's like when he wa sholding me the other day, I was just crying and he would hold me even more. I oculdn't tell him, I just told him that I don't need him rubbing it in my face that we aren't together, that if he wants to hang out with me or something, then why not just do it and leave the other **** out. It is mixed messages all the way.

It is so crazy that he acts like he really wants me and everything the way he does, and then says we aren't together. I think a lot of this just has to do with the drug problems he has had in the past, and he is no longeron methadone maintenance. So that's great! But anyways, thanks again for reading.

I just know how I feel about him, so it doesn't matter. I guess I will just see what happens. . .

[NiCoLe20]

i understand that u may have strong feelings for this guy... but why?

 

from the looks of it, he doesnt want a commited relationship, and who knows if he does anytime soon. right now it seems like he is just happy keeping you around whenever he needs someone to talk to, or have sex with. he might not be ready but then what are u guys now? just friends with benefits basically right?!! and, why would you want someone like this around your child?!! kids pick up on things, even at 2 years old, that could affect their life in the long run... would you want someone that would take you and your son to a baseball game or hell, even the park?! does this guy now even do things like that?! its not important, but if he truely liked you or had any feelings, he would do this to make you happy.

honestly this guy isnt worth it. your only 1 year younger than me, and from my experience.. leave this guy. my X was a bad user and he wouldnt get help, so i left. you cant change people. drugs change people. my x was bad with coke and if thats this guys case, coke destroys serotin which leads to your emoitions. you can feel sad, but cant show it or express it... it really messes up ur body. girl, you can do better than him... he keeps beating around the bush with ur feelings and playing games. focus on urself and ur son, not if this guy loves you, if he does he wouldve let you known a while ago

[blue_eyes18]

Yeah, you are right! I mean, he took my son and I to the movies, but still. No matter what, it's not right that I am always having to wonder what's going on. I just thought that it maybe was somethign I just needed to be patient with, considering I do feel really happy with him. I think I just need to focus on staying friends with him, cause we already are friends. I just need to forget about anything good coming out of this, cause he was on drugs and still is a little. Thanks for the info. I didn't know coke did that about your feelings. I know it makes you act weird. Hell, I see that in his sister. She acts like a dumbass now cause she used to do coke and stuff. I don't like her anyways, lol

THanks!

[blue_eyes18]

He did call me Tuesday, but I didn't hear from him last night. I am not surprised. I knew it wouldn't be yesterday. He is distant right now, but never again will I let him pull that **** with me again. I know now that even when he acts like he wants to be together and all that, he will eventually disappear again, and it hurts too much. It's not fair to me, and I am too good for that, yet I have always allowed that to happen. I am sick of it. I care for him, but damn, why can't I just move on? I have moved on in a sense, but I always end up letting him get his way. I always take it as he is having a rought time with the drug stuff or that he is just trying to stay clean or I have so much on me that it's not good too see each other everyday, I always think about those things. Or I think about how we laugh and have a good time and all that and how close I feel to him sometimes. I am too good to be done that way, regardless of whether he means to do that or not. THat's why I have always stuck around, making excuses for him, like he really wants to be with me but doesn't want to hold me back, and so many other ones. But it's stupid, I just know that I miss him sometimes, even when I am dating other guys. That's weird to me, I just don't understand it! That's what makes me feel that I love him. And other things too, but still.

Hell, half the time this guy acts like if he could he owuld be better to me. He tried I think to make me happy, but just gets down again or something. I don't know. Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong. I do know I am very busy working , taking care of my son, and taking classes, and I STILL miss him! ha!

[blue_eyes18]

Ok,. maybe I messed up? BUT, I stopped by his house on the way home from work yesterday. He acted happy to see me, then I stayed about 30 minutes. He said"What are you doing later? DO you wanna come by in a couple of hours and us do something?" I agreed. Well, on my way to his house, I noticed he had called my cell and left a message. So I called him back and he told me he wasn't able to do anything that night, that he had to pack to go outta town to some festival. I was almost there at his house, and my phone cut out, so I stopped and we talked. He then said he was leaving with someone that he had made prior arrangements with and forgot about. Yeah, I know who the hell it was, it was his friend C. I told him I was mad and told him to **** off, and he got mad for a minute and I just asked him why he does that confusing **** to me. He said he wasn't trying to blow me off. He stayed out there talking to me for a while, and then i left. I ended up calling him again and asking him straight up why he didn't want to be with me in a relationship, that if he doesn't like me, that he should jsut tell me instead of everytime he wants me to be around, then when I come around, he has sometihng to bitch aobut. He said it's not like that, and I odn't know what to think. I asked him why he didn't want a relatoinship with me, he said he doesn't want one with anyone right now, that if he did, he'd either be with me or out every nightl ooking for one. I mean, I understand and i think he is being honest about that, but why does he act like we are together and stuff and then act totally opposite sometimes? He can change his ways withiin like 2 inutes sometimes! What the hell? Is it just me or is it him, maybe some effect off of drug use in the past? Or present? I don't know, I told him I cared about him so much, and that I can't take this anymore with him doing this, and that I never should have talked to him the second time he came calling my ass.

Then he has tried to say also that he doens't understand why I get so mad at times cause that he doesn't owe me something, that he isn't obligated to me, and that it's stressful to him, that's why he doesn't want a relationship basically, with anyone! I understand that, who would want one when they are on drugs?

I don't know maybe that's not it. I asked him if he sees us being together sometime in the future, like how he feels about me, and he said"I don't know, I mean, I like you though, I just don't know what's gonna happen." And he said I just don't like relatoinships right now. He told me onetime I was too good for him, that he coudn't give me anything. Plus, I think since I am actually doing something with myself and my life to make it even better,. he isn't really. He is 24 and doesn't work except for what he calls working with his friend, which is play. Well, just wanted to get this off my chest.