Lily blue Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Hi everyone. I have more question.... Ok so, you been dating and living together long enough and both are in love very much and want to spend life together but... What if he propose later and you want to decline? I have feeling that my boy friend will propose soon because he been looking at rings and when we watch movies or shows that people propose and getting married, he always glance me and hold my hands.... I never told him I want to married nor I don't but I don't want to get married yet I want to spend the rest of my life with him without marriage... He talks about spending rest of our life together and he plans our future and he did mention if we get married later and so on.... If he propose and I turn down, things will get awkward? Is this will make him pull away or break up? Should I let him know now? My friends think I m crazy not want to get married again but I don't want to marry anyone never but like to settle down with one person...him but without tying the knot. I don't want to loose him but I don't want to get married again. What and how do I handle if he do propose later?
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Hi everyone. I have more question.... Ok so, you been dating and living together long enough and both are in love very much and want to spend life together but... What if he propose later and you want to decline? I have feeling that my boy friend will propose soon because he been looking at rings and when we watch movies or shows that people propose and getting married, he always glance me and hold my hands.... I never told him I want to married nor I don't but I don't want to get married yet I want to spend the rest of my life with him without marriage... He talks about spending rest of our life together and he plans our future and he did mention if we get married later and so on.... If he propose and I turn down, things will get awkward? Is this will make him pull away or break up? Should I let him know now? My friends think I m crazy not want to get married again but I don't want to marry anyone never but like to settle down with one person...him but without tying the knot. I don't want to loose him but I don't want to get married again. What and how do I handle if he do propose later? Are you telling us that you two never had a conversation in the early stages of your dating scenario about what you each wanted for yourselves for the future? If he does propose, you have to be honest and it may get awkward. Just be upfront and tell him what you do want and take it from there. This may be important to him and if he wants marriage/children, you may have to part ways I'm sorry to say. This is something that should be addressed towards the beginning of a relationship because if you're not on the same page with all that, this is the kind of situation you run into. Good luck.
Author Lily blue Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 Oh by the way, we are both been married and divorced before and he is 52 and I m 46
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Oh by the way, we are both been married and divorced before and he is 52 and I m 46 Either way, if he's the marrying kind, he may be really disappointed. It can work though. My SO and I have no intentions of marrying or even living together. Both married and divorced as well. Our "arrangement" is working very nicely for us both. We have kinda the best of all worlds 1
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Either way, if he's the marrying kind, he may be really disappointed. It can work though. My SO and I have no intentions of marrying or even living together. Both married and divorced as well. Our "arrangement" is working very nicely for us both. We have kinda the best of all worlds I am 56 and he is 62, by the way
xcupid Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Talk to him and find out what he's thinking for the future. 2
newmoon Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 you should probably start talking with him about your goals/plans for the future and voice your disinterest in marriage. it seems odd that this hasn't come up before, especially given your ages. at 52, he might be open to just being together and not remarrying... talk about it 1
Arieswoman Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 If he seems interested in marriage and you aren't then you need to tell him, because you're not on the same page here. I'm also surprised that this hasn't come up in conversation before now? Please raise this subject ASAP, so he know where he stands. How long have you been together BTW?
Author Lily blue Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 We been together 2 years. He talks about future a lot and his kids and his mom loves me and my kids loves him and he always talks about when we get older together what he wants to do with me when he retire and what things we will do together and buy bigger house later so we have plants of room for our grand kids someday. None of us has grand kids yet and both of our kids are stil very young in colleges. He is well off financially and I don't work anymore because he don't want me to work and pays everything and I do offer to pay some but he always refuse and we both have no bills or debt other than utilities. I am not in to money nor seek anything from him. My friends think I m crazy not wanting to remarry because I will end up very rich if something happens......I don't understand women fights for money or marry for money .....i m not like that nor want to be that ever. And marriage isn't my priority nor interest in his money. Yes I think I better tell him I think he will understand and be ok with it...I hope.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 We been together 2 years. He talks about future a lot and his kids and his mom loves me and my kids loves him and he always talks about when we get older together what he wants to do with me when he retire and what things we will do together and buy bigger house later so we have plants of room for our grand kids someday. None of us has grand kids yet and both of our kids are stil very young in colleges. He is well off financially and I don't work anymore because he don't want me to work and pays everything and I do offer to pay some but he always refuse and we both have no bills or debt other than utilities. I am not in to money nor seek anything from him. My friends think I m crazy not wanting to remarry because I will end up very rich if something happens......I don't understand women fights for money or marry for money .....i m not like that nor want to be that ever. And marriage isn't my priority nor interest in his money. Yes I think I better tell him I think he will understand and be ok with it...I hope. You are very naive. If he proposes then accept. If you live together 30 years and then he dies you will have nothing. Not only you will have nothing but you will have no say in how his body should be handled and where he'll be buried. In 30 years you'll be 76 and in the streets after devoting 30 years to him. This is not about ending up rich. This is common sense that if you spend the rest of your life with him that when he dies you are well taken care of. 2
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Also, are you rich yourself? All those years you will be living with him and NOT working you are not building yourself any financial security and you are not saving for your old days. You're the big loser here. Sure it's dandy for now that he pays for all of your expenses but lets say in 20 years he's got enough of you. You'll end up alone, no money, no saving, no work experience at 66. 1
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 If you don't want to get married, how about a civil partnership? It's what gay couples used to get before they were allowed to marry. Essentially all the same legal ties, tax, inheritance and pension benefits of being married (as Gaeta outlined above), but without the actual marriage. It would be discriminatory to allow a gay couple to have a civil partnership but not a hetero couple. These days hetero couples can choose a civil partnership using the same anti-discrimination laws that gay couples used to marry.
Author Lily blue Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 I didn't think too much about where I end up later when I get old and he dies....I guess you guys make sense. Few months ago he was talking to me about what if something do happen to him Where do I go? I say I may go back to Korea to my family because I have no one here but my kids and my Ex. He say I don't want you to do that because m kids needs me in the state....and he want his kids have a relationship with me even after he is gone. He say he want to talk to lawyer and write his will. That is he want me to keep the houses and everything in it and he will leave enough of money for me to live on for the rest of my life and his kids don't really need or want anything he already talk with them. Only thing his son wants is white sports car so he will give it to him and so on and that he cares about me and respects me, loves me and he don't want anything bad happen.He is very sincere and truthful person and very caring to me, to his mom and his kids. But I don't know.....I have mix feelings and don't want to be on the street. I hope I die first lol Thank you for great advise. You do make a lot of sense and I may have to think hard on this....before he go ring shopping....
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 If he has a clear stated will that you get everything you don't need to get married. You won't get his pension that is all....you have your own money anyways right? By the time he passes away, one of your kids will probably invite you to live with them to live out your days.
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 If he has a clear stated will that you get everything you don't need to get married. A will is a good start, but it's certainly not a guarantee, and doesn't cover all bases. He has been married before; his ex wife could make a claim on his estate. Other people could contest the will, say you coerced him, say it's not legally binding, etc. If you're married it gives a lot more security and quashes most of these potential challenges immediately. Many insurance policies or pensions pay out to a surviving "spouse". Girlfriend (even a long-term live-in partner) does not equal spouse in legal terms. In most jurisdictions there is no such thing as "common law marriage", it's urban myth. You're either a spouse, or you're not. That includes the state pension, at least in the UK. If you're a widow(er), you get widow benefit. If your boyfriend dies, you get nothing.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 He say he want to talk to lawyer and write his will. That is he want me to keep the houses and everything in it and he will leave enough of money for me to live on for the rest of my life and his kids don't really need or want anything he already talk with them. Only thing his son wants is white sports car so he will give it to him and so on and that he cares about me and respects me, loves me and he don't want anything bad happen.He is very sincere and truthful person and very caring to me, to his mom and his kids. His house is probably already paid off and I don't think it should go to you. I think what he worked for all of his life (before you) should go to his children and you get a life insurance and some of his investments to assure your old days. The kids may just want a white sport car now but in 20 years time I assure you they will think differently and they won't appreciate their father to totally disown them in his will. If you are a good person you will not agree that everything goes to you and nothing to his children.
Author Lily blue Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Oh I see. He has great retirement from his work and he has a lot of investments and multiple stocks and few houses and 3 different savings accounts. He showed me everything. He don't hide his financial stuff and his assets. Yes when he divorced 7 years ago, his ex took 50% and alimony and child support payment as well. But he has build up. He saves almost everything he earns from his excutive job which $25,000 a month paycheck and buy and sell stocks on the side and did very well too. His mom want us to married too I don't want to hear some of my friends and ex coworkers saying I m a gold digger.....some of them they do say that. I don't know...maybe I m naive.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Oh I see. He has great retirement from his work and he has a lot of investments and multiple stocks and few houses and 3 different savings accounts. He showed me everything. He don't hide his financial stuff and his assets. Yes when he divorced 7 years ago, his ex took 50% and alimony and child support payment as well. But he has build up. He saves almost everything he earns from his excutive job which $25,000 a month paycheck and buy and sell stocks on the side and did very well too. His mom want us to married too I don't want to hear some of my friends and ex coworkers saying I m a gold digger.....some of them they do say that. I don't know...maybe I m naive. They're jealous. At 46 and him 52 you're not a gold digger, you're in love. If he were 80 yo then it's be a different story. That being said there are other issues in your relationship I think you should consider. I remember a thread from you talking about how controlling he is.
Author Lily blue Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Yes he has OCD too and he like to be in control but he has been changing slowly Not easy for him but he is changing for me. For instance, I leave dirty cups or few dishes on the counter overnight he don't say nothing and just leave it alone. I rearrange stuffs around the house he is ok with it. It use to bother him a lot and he do it him self. He helps a lot with house chores and I want a puppy so bad but he say dogs are dirty and leaves fur on everything and I can't handle it .....well, he is thinking about getting one for me. His mom say he is always like that and most of their family has OCD cleaness And afraid of germs....so by him changing slowly is huge deal because he never change his way for no one and that he truly love me and he told her that I m his true love and soul mate he been searching for his whole life and she say I am her answer of prayer for his son and he don't want to loose me. So things looking better and I m happier than few months ago.....
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