Vixi Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I got dumped last night. It really hurt, especially given that I should ended things myself a long time ago. But I was still holding on, trying to work things out, going to therapy...doing everything in my power to save the relationship. I could see that he was unhappy with me for months; he pretty much sat on the couch all day and night, doesn't work, and just ate really junky food which caused him to gain 30 pounds. I am 32, and he's 28 so there has been a bit of an age gap between us. And I believe that that is where most of the problems stem from. I have a career, a social life, and goals. He doesn't. He is still trying to get a college education and flunking out of his courses. I have a feeling that he has always felt competitive with me and resents me for having a life outside of him. But at the same time, he treats me like **** whenever we're together. He's CONSTANTLY down in the dumps. He's pretty firm in his decision yet he's clearly stated that he "stopped caring" about me because of how I've treated him in the past. I have been in therapy for over a year trying to figure out how to be a better partner to him and even friends have noticed that I have done a complete 180 and he is still drudging every hurtful thing I have ever done in an attempt to justify his bad own behaviour. F*ck. This hurts really bad. But I know that I can't be in a relationship with someone like this. I have been taking way too much responsibility for trying to salvage the relationship. Now HE'S ticked off and sent me a long text about how I SHOULD be begging him to stay because I am basically to blame for everything that has happened. Am I crazy for wanting to ignore him forever? I sort of want to tell him off, but I know that he will NEVER understand my perspective. He doesn't care that I want him to get a job, brush his teeth, and finish school. He doesn't care that I am in therapy and trying to improve. He is resistant to trying to work on things...he just expects people to be happy without trying.
LostOnes05 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 GTFOH!! You are upset about a lazy,fat ass that doesn't even brush his teeth (lol, by the way) at 28 years old??! You weren't in a relationship...you were a caretaker. Get yourself a guy that is on the same level mentally as you and cut the fat from your life (no pun intended). Best of luck! 5
mightycpa Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) I got dumped last night. It really hurt, especially given that I should ended things myself a long time ago. But I was still holding on, trying to work things out, going to therapy...doing everything in my power to save the relationship.You should really ask yourself why, and don't stop asking until you get some serious answers.I could see that he was unhappy with me for months; he pretty much sat on the couch all day and night, doesn't work, and just ate really junky food which caused him to gain 30 pounds.Are you sure it was just you? I am 32, and he's 28 so there has been a bit of an age gap between us. And I believe that that is where most of the problems stem from.No. I have a career, a social life, and goals. He doesn't. He is still trying to get a college education and flunking out of his courses. I have a feeling that he has always felt competitive with me and resents me for having a life outside of him.THAT is where most of the problems stem from. But at the same time, he treats me like **** whenever we're together. He's CONSTANTLY down in the dumps.BONUS!He's pretty firm in his decision yet he's clearly stated that he "stopped caring" about me because of how I've treated him in the past. I have been in therapy for over a year trying to figure out how to be a better partner to him and even friends have noticed that I have done a complete 180 and he is still drudging every hurtful thing I have ever done in an attempt to justify his bad own behaviour.Again, WHY? F*ck. This hurts really bad. But I know that I can't be in a relationship with someone like this. I have been taking way too much responsibility for trying to salvage the relationship. Now HE'S ticked off and sent me a long text about how I SHOULD be begging him to stay because I am basically to blame for everything that has happened. He apparently thinks your capacity to act like a doormat knows no bounds. Am I crazy for wanting to ignore him forever? I sort of want to tell him off, but I know that he will NEVER understand my perspective. He doesn't care that I want him to get a job, brush his teeth, and finish school. He doesn't care that I am in therapy and trying to improve. He is resistant to trying to work on things...he just expects people to be happy without trying.You seem to know all the words, but you cannot yet grasp their plain meaning. I hope my analysis has helped you understand what you've told us. Now for my advice: Hold up your right hand, palm out, and close it into a loose fist. Next, extend your index finger straight up towards the ceiling, and simultaneously extend your thumb perpendicular to it, forming a right angle between the two digits. Hold this shape while you place your hand directly in front of your forehead. The palm side of your hand should remain facing away from you. Take a selfie using this pose, and send it to him. Or, thank your lucky stars and run, as quickly as you can to the exit. Edited January 28, 2016 by mightycpa 4
mrldii Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 In addition to LostOne's post, IMHO that's one of the perks of being "dumped": the dumper no longer has the privilege of me caring what they say/think/do. 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 You're hurt because you cared about him. That is a good thing..you have the ability to love and, more importantly, love yourself enough to take inititative in growing as a person. Let him rant, whine, cry, curse, and blame all he wants. He is still stuck in the same unmotivated situation that you had to put up with. He doesn't even brush his teeth? Ew. You, my dear, are clearly moving on to better things. Continue your therapy and be relieved that you are now free from a dying relationship. Silence is the greatest form of punishiment. Delete your ex from your life and move on. Always remember that it takes TWO to work in a relationship... Two equally willing and mature partners. Good luck! I suspect you won't be needing it though as you'rve already got the right mindset! 3
Cg_863 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Its sounds like you got a lucky escape, it doesnt feel like it now but you will look back and breath a sigh of relief thats hes gone, he sounds like a loser... how dare he tell you, you should be begging for him back, he has done you a favour walking away.. you will feel better, as cliche as it sounds, time is a great healer 2
LostOnes05 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 How's he gonna be upset when his breath smells like old tacos?! Hell, you could call me...I brush my teeth 2x daily, floss, wash my hands, and for a limited time only I also wash and fold laundry. Sound like a date? P.S. I also put the toilet seat back down...I know women hate that. 1
BlueIris Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 It would not be crazy to ignore him forever. It would be wise. I'm sorry you're hurting, but all I can think is, life is going to be much sweeter without him and the negativity. 2
Zahara Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 This hurts really bad. That's natural. You were in a relationship with him. You will mourn this and move on. Now HE'S ticked off and sent me a long text about how I SHOULD be begging him to stay because I am basically to blame for everything that has happened. [/Quote] That's natural because you've played doormat, twisting yourself into a pretzel for him. Never having any standards or boundaries in terms of what a partner should bring to the table, you bent over backwards for him so why would he not expect you to hang your head low and come crawling back? Blaming you is much easier that pointing the finger at himself. Am I crazy for wanting to ignore him forever? It would have been the wise thing to ignore him a long time ago. I sort of want to tell him off, but I know that he will NEVER understand my perspective. He doesn't care that I want him to get a job, brush his teeth, and finish school. He doesn't care that I am in therapy and trying to improve. He is resistant to trying to work on things...he just expects people to be happy without trying. He's not even motivated to brush his teeth. Aim higher OP. 3
Author Vixi Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Thanks to all of you for your perspective. It's unfortunate that this is how we had to leave off, but I feel like everytime I try to come up with solutions for working on things together, he just starts bickering with me and coming up with reasons why things won't work, or bringing up the past. And I just can't do it anymore. I guess my boundaries have been tested. I didn't think of myself as a doormat though, I am definitely the more vocal, aggressive partner of the two of us. And by the way he makes it sound, I am also the cause of all of our problems. He has taken NO responsibility for the ways in which he has emotionally abused me. And there have been many. The fact that he sees all of our problems as my fault is abuse in itself. He is generally a very 'difficult' person to reason with. I don't understand how he can claim that I am the one walking away and then say that the relationship isn't working and it's the worst he's ever been in- in the SAME text message. Before this all happened, I moved out of his parent's house about a month ago. I felt awkward living there with his parents and not paying rent at 32 years old. We were constantly fighting and I also felt like he was absolutely miserable. I couldn't stand watching it every day...coming home to him on the couch. I thought my moving would make things easier for both of us and that maybe we could reconnect and start building the relationship again. Maybe it would inspire him to get off the couch. I should have known that he wasn't mature enough not to see this as a personal attack and break up with me... 1
Satu Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 A 32 year old woman and a 28 year old guy gives you an age gap of about 20 years. Some men only begin to grow up after they hit bottom in some way. I think your boyfriend is one of those who need to have that experience. Please don't protect him from it. 2
testmeasure Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 This sounds horrible. On the next round, don't settle for something just because it's better than this. This sounds like it was horrible. You need a lot better than this before you even reach "healthy". Next time, try to find something that's at least "healthy" as opposed to just better than what you experienced this time. At 32, you don't want to spend the next decade making slow incremental improvements with relationship after relationship that fail because you started out judging each one by the standard of the previous relationship. You need to somehow figure out how to aim a lot higher with one big leap. Does that make sense? Do you see what I'm concerned about? If you still have that therapist, this might be a good topic to raise. . 2
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