KimmyC Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I am in my late 30s and I have been married for 16 years. I love my kids and I truly love my husband. I'm struggling with thoughts. I know this isn't an emotional affair, but my friend's husband is always on my mind. We interact all of the time socially and because of kids, and he's never made any attempt to flirt or cross a line---but I'm still racked with guilt about how much I think of him. At what point does thinking or fantasizing become cheating? I think of him when I'm with my husband and when I know we are going out as couples I take a little extra time in hoping he'll notice. Nothing egregious, but the guilt still surfaces.
SoulStorm Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Even though your body has not crossed the line, your heart is already there. If this man was to take notice of your subtle advances and pursued you, you would probably be with him at the speed of light. If you are already thinking of him when you are intimate with your husband, that's crossing a line to me. If your husband thought of another woman while being intimate with you, how would you take that? It won't be worth it to get involved with him You will possibly break up his marriage Break up your marriage Your kids they may lose out on having both parents at home (and this seriously affects children, I know because my mom and dad divorced) You will be labeled a home wrecker Your children will be with you 50% of the time They will lose respect for you for cheating on their dad and breaking up their home The fleeting moments of gratification from someone other than your spouse is not worth a lifetime of pain. 3
remorseful_tab Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 You, my friend, is on a very slippery slope. And take this from a fWW, attractions like this always has a way of coming out and their is always a chance of something disastrous happening. Be very careful. Infact, I will encourage you to confess to your husband whatever you are feeling and work on it together. Overcome this. Attractions like these are nothing worth of losing family. Trust me. I did this and my son and husband suffered for it. Give your husband a chance before things truly go out of hand. 1
Midwestmissy Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I think the fact that you're writing this out says it won't progress. Married people can have crushes. The whole fAntasy exists in your head, and that's ok. It'll pass. I'm a betrayed spouse, but I had a crush (existing only in my head) several years ago. It passed but it was a distraction for a bit. Now that my husband cheated, I'm so glad that was only a one sided fantasy. Had I told the crush, I would have blown up the family or I would have been rejected and ruined a good friendship. My crush is now married and has babies and I don't feel the crush at all - I wish the best for his marriage and family. I'm think you're normal as long as it stays unspoken.
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Don't cross the line....you will regret it. You might have a very "generic" discussion about this topic with your husband. It might be enough to keep you accountable for your thoughts and actions... But please be very careful....because it doesn't take much to move your line....and then it is too late. 1
jen1447 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 At what point does thinking or fantasizing become cheating? I think of him when I'm with my husband and when I know we are going out as couples I take a little extra time in hoping he'll notice. Nothing egregious, but the guilt still surfaces. Cheating is an actual thing, but what's more important here is your sense of guilt, which means in your mind you've already crossed the line. You haven't cheated, but you're still 'guilty.' Question is where do you go w/that from here? I have a practical suggestion which may not be popular but that's to masturbate to this guy (a lot if need be) and see if that gets him out of your system. The problem here moving forward is that what's driving you is your sex instinct, not you're rational mind, and you can't reason w/instinct. So playing ball w/it might help. But it's a potentially slippery slope too bc for some women it can just make the desire more profound. It's probably just infatuation tho so eventually it'll fade, and if you can hold it off in the meantime by alternative measures so to speak, that would be a win.
SoulStorm Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Question is where do you go w/that from here? I have a practical suggestion which may not be popular but that's to masturbate to this guy (a lot if need be) and see if that gets him out of your system. Couldn't this backfire and make her want him more? Or possibly want her husband even less wanting the masturbation to actually become the real thing?
jen1447 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Couldn't this backfire and make her want him more? Or possibly want her husband even less wanting the masturbation to actually become the real thing? Yes - I did mention that.
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Ok... If my husbands masturbates while thinking of someone else... He just crossed my line... And that's cheating. So before you get into more trouble here ... You better evaluate what is acceptable to you. What's fair for you is fair for him. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 There's a great book about this slippery slope. It's worth the read. My wife said that if she had read it prior, her affair would have never happened. Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. I'd suggest that your marriage is worth the cost of the book and your time. 2
Marc878 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 There's a great book about this slippery slope. It's worth the read. My wife said that if she had read it prior, her affair would have never happened. Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. I'd suggest that your marriage is worth the cost of the book and your time. Excellent advice. Perhaps add His Needs, Her Needs as well. Both of you could read that together. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Perhaps add His Needs, Her Needs as well. Both of you could read that together. That's another good suggestion. I don't care for it as a post-affair recovery book for a variety of reasons but it's got some great concepts for rebuilding a marriage and affair-proofing it (to the extent that's possible).
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Ok... If my husbands masturbates while thinking of someone else... He just crossed my line... And that's cheating. Can't think of a single person who hasn't cheated then. At least if they are being honest.
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Unfortunately I cheated...but I have never masturbated while thinking of someone else....and if my husband has....I don't wanna know. I think she should talk to her husband about her little fantasy...and see what he thinks. 1
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Unfortunately I cheated...but I have never masturbated while thinking of someone else....and if my husband has....I don't wanna know. I think she should talk to her husband about her little fantasy...and see what he thinks. You are right its wrong of me to speak for others... But I just can't imagine a man who hasn't pictured another woman besides his SO while he masturbates. I mean, we need to think of SOMETHING and we can just have sex with our SO's so why jack off to them when you can just get the real thing ya know?
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I understand what you are saying...but...if you are looking at some chick in playboy.....that's a lot different that imagining screwing this guy you already have the hots for. Geez...I think I am getting old....... I still say...what is fair for one is fair for the other....she better ask...honey is it ok if i imagine making love to George while masturbating? I bet the answer is ...What the ???? 2
JohnAdams Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 OK, I will play, and not because my lovely bride is on here and reads what I say. But, I have never masturbated thinking about f..king another woman. Sure, I am aroused looking at nudes of women, or watching porns, etc. But, no, I am not thinking about f..king them. Perhaps this is a subtle difference. 2
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Fair enough Mr President. Carry on. OP be careful about bringing this up to your husband. I had a crush on another girl once in our relationship before marriage. It was doing to me what its doing to you right now. I felt very guilty. I read online that a good way to end a crush is to expose it to others, namely your SO, so that there wasn't a secret there. The advice was something like "everyone gets crushes, so if you expose it, it kills the secrecy of it which is part of the desire you have for them" So I followed that advice and it blew up in my face! She claimed I couldn't possibly love her if I had a crush on someone else, and on and on. I was really trying to do the right thing by my wife (then girlfriend) and it cause a terrible strain on our relationship for a good while. Even when we were better, if we ever got in a fight about anything, her name was used as ammo against me. That happened for years and years. And this was a stupid crush, I couldn't give a sht about that woman. It's been so long ago now I've forgotten her name even. I would think twice about telling your husband.
JohnAdams Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I agree. No foul done at this point. Is there a reason to bring it up to your significant other and hurt them? It is time to forget them as perhaps an inappropriate fantasy. If it did not move past fantasy, thank your lucky stars! I know that Jesus and Jimmy Carter said if you lust in your heart, it is the same as going through with the action. But, I am not Jesus or Jimmy Carter, so to me there is a huge difference in lusting in your heart and actually F..king someone. Move on and thank God, that it did not go any further. 2
Maddieandtae Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 KimmyC, if you are committed to your spouse and yourself than your line won't move.! You have a crush and you need to work at tapering those thoughts from consuming you to perhaps an acknowledgement to yourself that you find another man attractive. There are all sorts of suggestions on how to move away from these thoughts. Do some research and find what works for you. Lessen your guilt by doing an positive action that is healthy for you and your husband:) 1
Bryanp Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Would it bother you if your husband was thinking of another woman like you have with another man?
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