starla33 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 so my boyfriend of a year 1/2 says hes planning to move in but wants to do it slowly and wont tell me an exact date he will be moved in by etc (this to me is horrible as i need dates for peace of mind...maybe I'm crazy, but I'm not cool with this). We both live in rent controlled places and he would be moving out of his. (meaning if it doesn't work out with us and he has to move out he will have to pay triple what he pays now for rent so his 1k rent will go up to 3k a month). Yes i get this would freak a lot of people out. I've also told him a while ago that I want to be engaged at around the 2 years mark and he was ok with this. At this point if he does move in and that does not happen I would be stuck feeling really bad having to kick him out only a few months later. Not sure what to do here. I feel like I've talked this to death with him and don't want to keep bringing it up and nagging. We are both in our 30's and I want a family and kids and do not think it is unreasonable to expect some sort of relationship progression milestones at 1.5 years. He was single for 9 years before me playing the bachelor so it's been an uphill struggle with him figuring out how a relationship works, but he has made an effort hes just been REALLY slow going.
Qboro90 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 What guy would want to move in with someone who is still thinking that it will be "her place" instead of "our place". You said that you would feel bad having to kick him out in a few months if he doesn't meet your timeline for getting engaged. As a guy that's a huge red flag and concern I would have. You're literally telling him that if he doesn't move things forward at your pace, he'll not only be dumped, but he'll have to come up with triple the rent money he's currently paying just to get his old place back... Not exactly motivation to get things moving if you ask me.
CarrieT Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 You have only been a couple for six months?!?! Way too soon to consider living together as you are still in the honeymoon phase. Don't even start talking about living together until the one year mark - after you have seen each other through all four seasons. 1
SpiralOut Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 The OP said they have been together for a year and 1/2. Since you have a bad feeling about living together, it might be better to hold off on it.
Author starla33 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) What guy would want to move in with someone who is still thinking that it will be "her place" instead of "our place". You said that you would feel bad having to kick him out in a few months if he doesn't meet your timeline for getting engaged. As a guy that's a huge red flag and concern I would have. You're literally telling him that if he doesn't move things forward at your pace, he'll not only be dumped, but he'll have to come up with triple the rent money he's currently paying just to get his old place back... Not exactly motivation to get things moving if you ask me. I see what you are saying and I never said that to him. This is just how I feel. Clearly I'm not at the age where I can wait around for someone for years since I want to have kids so it's not out of the question for me to feel the way I do or have a timeline that I stick to. Edited January 28, 2016 by starla33
Timshel Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 so my boyfriend of a year 1/2 says hes planning to move in but wants to do it slowly and wont tell me an exact date he will be moved in by etc (this to me is horrible as i need dates for peace of mind...maybe I'm crazy, but I'm not cool with this). We both live in rent controlled places and he would be moving out of his. (meaning if it doesn't work out with us and he has to move out he will have to pay triple what he pays now for rent so his 1k rent will go up to 3k a month). Yes i get this would freak a lot of people out. I've also told him a while ago that I want to be engaged at around the 2 years mark and he was ok with this. At this point if he does move in and that does not happen I would be stuck feeling really bad having to kick him out only a few months later. { Bolded had me in stitches for some reason. You'd feel bad would you? } Not sure what to do here. I feel like I've talked this to death with him and don't want to keep bringing it up and nagging. We are both in our 30's and I want a family and kids and do not think it is unreasonable to expect some sort of relationship progression milestones at 1.5 years. He was single for 9 years before me playing the bachelor so it's been an uphill struggle with him figuring out how a relationship works, but he has made an effort hes just been REALLY slow going. {He sounds like he's been a project from the start and you are currently still under construction. I would not move in together. Both keep the rent controlled apartments and if he proposes within an acceptable time for you, make plans. If he doesn't, break up and you both can still afford to eat. } 1
Miss Peach Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 If you've been very clear to him that these are your boundaries then I don't see much more then you can do. He has to want to take action on these or risk losing you.
Miss Peach Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 As for the apartment, when I moved in with my XH, I kept my apartment for the remainder of the lease with the ability to renew. It sucked having to pay money for nothing but it gave me a place to go if necessary.
GunslingerRoland Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Given the special situation of where you live, I don`t blame him for being hesitant to give up his place. Even if he moves in, I don`t think it`s unfair of him to want to hold onto the place until at least after you are engaged.
pteromom Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 You do NOT want him to move in with you based on pressure. It has to come from him. If he is the one more afraid of losing his rent-controlled place, why don't you offer to take the risk, and move in with him? 2
CarrieT Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 The OP said they have been together for a year and 1/2. You are right - sorry... Somehow I only saw the 1/2 year and thought it was only six months.
Author starla33 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 You do NOT want him to move in with you based on pressure. It has to come from him. If he is the one more afraid of losing his rent-controlled place, why don't you offer to take the risk, and move in with him? Because his is not big enough for a couple to live in
Author starla33 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 so my boyfriend of a year 1/2 says hes planning to move in but wants to do it slowly and wont tell me an exact date he will be moved in by etc (this to me is horrible as i need dates for peace of mind...maybe I'm crazy, but I'm not cool with this). We both live in rent controlled places and he would be moving out of his. (meaning if it doesn't work out with us and he has to move out he will have to pay triple what he pays now for rent so his 1k rent will go up to 3k a month). Yes i get this would freak a lot of people out. I've also told him a while ago that I want to be engaged at around the 2 years mark and he was ok with this. At this point if he does move in and that does not happen I would be stuck feeling really bad having to kick him out only a few months later. { Bolded had me in stitches for some reason. You'd feel bad would you? } Not sure what to do here. I feel like I've talked this to death with him and don't want to keep bringing it up and nagging. We are both in our 30's and I want a family and kids and do not think it is unreasonable to expect some sort of relationship progression milestones at 1.5 years. He was single for 9 years before me playing the bachelor so it's been an uphill struggle with him figuring out how a relationship works, but he has made an effort hes just been REALLY slow going. {He sounds like he's been a project from the start and you are currently still under construction. I would not move in together. Both keep the rent controlled apartments and if he proposes within an acceptable time for you, make plans. If he doesn't, break up and you both can still afford to eat. } Yeah this is the problem, I'm getting really frustrated that relationship milestones are SO hard for him it's like he doesn't get how a relationship is supposed to end up
Timshel Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Yeah this is the problem, I'm getting really frustrated that relationship milestones are SO hard for him it's like he doesn't get how a relationship is supposed to end up Well Starla, the thing is....there isn't a way a relationship is supposed to end up. Most couples when starting out together do so with *hope* that as the relationship naturally progresses, a healthy, loving union is formed. There is a *hope* that over time, common goals and compatibility create a functioning team of two with the bonus of satisfying sex/love making. Sadly, lots of couples end up growing apart instead of together. There is not enough compatibility, respect and love to create a life long team and commitment. If you or your boyfriend have any reservations about a future together, there should not be one. Maybe your bf will want to marry you one day and he may never. Marriage is not to be entered into like a chore to check off a list. Sorry Starla, but don't live together until you both know and are sure of a future together if marriage is your most important goal. From the sound of your OP, you have been pushing for the progress of your relationship instead of a mutual desire. If your bf's not into it, he's not into it and you'll need to move on. You don't honestly want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Real love and respect is so worth holding out for. Don't settle and please don't harass the man...let him go. 1
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