cocoluv Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Hi, so I am a 23 year old girl living with my partner, we have a 12 year age gap. My family want nothing at all to do with him so it makes it harder. Weve been together for about over 2 years now and i met him when i was 20 and a virgin. I had no confidence or anything, but now I do, i just want to go and meet people and have fun. My parents said if i leave him i can live in my grandmothers old house by myself rent free. I imagine this everyday, living stressfree alone, eating what i want to cook for dinner, no arguments about it, no cleaning up after him, just doing what i want. Plus inviting other guys over but this would mean we break up. Now i do love him and he loves me, but his past is horrible and to be honest we havent had the best past either, hed never cheat or create a dating site account, hell he doesnt even think its appropriate to have female friends. Hes settled down, he doesnt do stupid things and he pretty much just wants a family. But i imagine myself single living alone every day and how stress free i would be, plus i went to a family even and one of my brothers friends who i fancied was there and i was flirting with him. I get very tempted and i have met up at a bar with a male friend but i would never kiss or cheat. But already what i did was wrong. I am also physically unattractive to him because hes fat and all he does is whinge about it not change it. I dont feel ready for this relationship but what if hes the love of my life? what if i loose him just because i want to know what its like to take home other men? I feel this is a normal thing to go through but the though of the rest of my life like this is very daunting, plus my family hate him. what would you do?
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Why do you say living alone would be stress-free? Why is living with him causing you stress? If he is the love of your life then that should not be the case. You should not get frustrated, stressed, arguments, unable to do as you please, etc. And you certainly would not be having feelings that you want to try dating others. You know he is not the right guy for you, because if he were, you wouldn't be having these thoughts. I think you to break up with him, but you're scared of being alone. You need to take the plunge here and just do it. In a year's time you'll be glad you did, trust me. Having a great stress-free life, or still stuck with the same guy in an unhappy relationship. There's no contest. 1
basil67 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 He really doesn't sound like the love of your life. Tell me, do you still look forward to seeing him after work each day? Is he your comfortable place to be? Quite often with relationships which have such an age gap, it's because none of the girls his own age would tolerate his behaviour. It's very likely that you have already outgrown him. That place of your own sounds very tempting.
cocorico Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Hi, so I am a 23 year old girl living with my partner, we have a 12 year age gap. He's 11??? no wonder your family don't approve 2
Author cocoluv Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 He's 11??? no wonder your family don't approve no hes older
GunslingerRoland Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 There are quite a few gaps in your story. You talk about how stress free living on your own would be. What is the stress that he is causing you? Also you talk about how your relationship has a bad past but again you don't elaborate. Maybe it's irrelevant though, if you aren't that attracted to him anymore, and are obsessing over dating other men, it might be time to move on...
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 no hes older Interesting that you respond to the obvious joke but not to the questions that have been asked by people genuinely trying to help you?
stillafool Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Hi, so I am a 23 year old girl living with my partner, First off you are now a woman and not a girl. You are ready to live your life as you should at your age and there's nothing wrong with that. If you have feelings for these other guys you need to be single to explore them. That is every young persons right to enjoy their youth. It only comes around once so don't waste it. You can't live your life in fear that you will never get another bf or love. It will happen.
Toodaloo Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 He is not the love of your life. You are trying to rescue him and be the knight in shinning armour. Doesn't work. Break up with him. You are too young for all this stuff. Get out of there.
devilish innocent Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 You're holding on to him because you're scared of being alone, not because you really want a future with him. That's not a good reason to stay with somebody. Especially when you're still just 23.
preraph Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 You don't need to break up with your boyfriend to go have your own place. But if your parents say he can't go over there and visit, then obviously, that's not going to work. And I guess that's what they want, but maybe not. Everyone should live alone for at least a year or two. Honestly, it's the only way to see who you really are without the influence of another. And you're tired of picking up after him, so why not. And before you ever move back in together, ask him if he's matured enough to pick up his own crap now -- or don't. 1
Author cocoluv Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Thanks for the replys. I love him so much but we argue over stupid things like, he was eating take away for lunch yesterday just because we were out. He has a weight problem and I was getting angry saying you shouldnt eat that crap. Anyway sometimes I feel like our problems are nothing compared to other peoples problems but i long for a life that i can blast my music and get high and eat sushi day and night and not worry about the stack of dishes. We did have problems that if i met in a guy now i would have walked away but things seemed to have ironed out. If i stay with him i will be poor and struggling, not seeing my family. But I was thinking about your replys in the shower just before and i thought its not the love! i have the love for him, i am IN love with him but hes not the love of my life. I have done things in this relationship that prove that already, but smoking weed behind his back and seeing a few guys (no sex). If he was the love of my life i simply would not have done those things. am i right? But then my strange brain starts to think "no you are young you met him too young you just did those things because your still really growing up, its ok if you dont do them again, start new today" Its like when we broke up the first time i moved back to my parents and i said no its ok i forgive him i love him i dont care about that fight - the brain starts thinking that weird stuff to make you go back. Why is the brain against leaving? My fear is that i will leave and think why did i leave him? getting high and living alone is not a big deal, love is all that matters! you will never find another guy, all guys are sleazy and perv on anything that moves, like realistically it breaks my heart even thinking of myself going on a date with another guy. Then again do people that are with the love of there life write questions like i am on this forum? i just keep questioning an questioning and its going in circles.
Tayla Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 sounds like you may need some help in communicating with assertiveness. Share responsibilities. Its what happens in relationships. Boppin the boy next door will not encourage problem solving. Treat people respectfully. Sometimes you can refrain from negative comments ... I've yet to see someone lose weight via comments that you conveyed. If it did, you'd be rich. I think he'd fair well alone too. He already has a place he pays for. He'll be fine. Go find a place of your own that you'll be accountable for mortgage or rent and all the luxuries afforded us adults. Utilities, food ,furnishings, health care. Yes, blast that music ! After you've worked those long hours to pay for your electric and heat. Get stoned and dance the night away, because thats clearly what us adults do with our time after work and other priorities take center stage. Nothing wrong with desiring a bit of freedom.. do so with the understanding that it comes with a price. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 The biggest problem you have, aside from being with someone you don't need to be with, is that you never gave yourself a chance to live life before settling down. Not only have you settled down, you're completely bored with this guy. I can assure you that many, many people have been in your position, have gone against their instincts and stayed with whoever they shouldn't have stayed with, and then 15, 20 yrs down the road, they're ready to shoot themselves. Do yourself a huge favor and disentangle yourself from a life that you're screaming to get away from. Live life, have fun, see the world. You've got way better things to do than be in a relationship that's putting you to sleep. 1
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 My fear is that i will leave and think why did i leave him? We can play the "what if" game all day long if you like. What if you leave him and have a great time for the next year, dating guys, and find someone who is 10x as good and you never fight like this and you live happily ever after? On the other hand what if you stay with your current guy and in 5 years time he hasn't changed and you're exactly where you are now, 5 years older, and even more depressed? All life decisions are gambles. You can either stick with what you've got, or you can take a chance on the unknown. As with all gambles you need to look at the odds: risk vs reward. If you gamble, your stake is your current relationship. The reward if you win, is a much better and happier one. Believe me, there are a LOT better out there. To say that all guys are sleeze or perv on anything that moves is highly insulting to 50% of the population of the planet, including me, your dad, your male friends, and all the other good guys out there. Of course there are some sleezy pervs but there are plenty of good guys too. You have to find them. Or you can stick with what you've got. In which case, in a few years time, you'll be exactly where you are now. It doesn't sound like much of a choice to me.
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