Dealing with guilt of having been an ahole, and romanticizing the past

[PBK]

Hi guys,

 

Here is a real wall of text. Any input is deeply appreciated.

 

My roughly one-year long relationship ended almost two weeks ago, after about a week of agony realizing that my ex girlfriend suddenly had grown distant. I will try to summarize my insights so far:

 

Around two years ago I moved to a new country to join a new company. There is a lot to tell about this journey, but overall it's been pretty chaotic. There has been close to zero financial stability during these two years, and the stress level has been high. It has been hard to feel rooted and stable, fully able to plan a future, or even to know where I'd be in six months.

 

There, I found my ex roughly a year ago. We started dating, and things were generally fine at first. She was nice and loving, and seemed very stable. However, after doing a relationship inventory, I realize things were not really good, and a lot of it has probably been my fault.

 

I'm currently back in my home country since the past two months, and just planned my return. Suddenly, I felt something was wrong. As I had left, she started acting differently, partying a lot and around a three weeks ago I felt she grew very distant. She explained how she felt "trapped in the relationship" and "didn't know what she wanted", which was understandable based on the unstable base of our relationship, neither of us having a stable life or job for the past year. It did still come as a shock to me. I never would have thought she had these feelings. It was an amicable and loving breakup, as much as they can be so, we ended things by saying that we loved each other and wished each other well. I then deleted her from social media, phone, and photos.

 

Now, here are the issues. She said that she thought I should stop "being mean to her" and be less angry, which is something that struck me very hard. I've always seen myself as a good guy, and I sure as hell never wanted to hurt her. Having said this, I'm easily stressed and when I get stressed I get angry and annoyed. I've been through a very rocky phase during these past two years, and for throughout the relationship.

 

Here is a summary of my major contributions to this failure:

• I have, since the beginning of the relationship, never felt 100% sure of it. I've always had doubts, which have periodically manifested as me being distant. Regardless of this, however, I do love her. And I never wanted to see her in pain. I discussed this with her many times, that sometimes I just felt off, and I didn't want to feel that way. I still loved her and wanted to be with her, and I apologized for how I acted distant. Usually, these feelings subsided, only to rise again later.
  
• I'm enormously ashamed of writing this, but she was a few pounds overweight that I was never comfortable with, sometimes embarrassed. In the beginning this led to me going out a lot alone, not involving her in my life as I should have. She said she felt "more like a mistress" than a girlfriend. Terrible, but I have to admit it.
  
• I have attributed this to a fear of intimacy. I don't know if I have it, but I know my feelings have never been 100%, and I'm not sure this is because we were simply incompatible, or if I do have some residual fear of hurt after my last relationship ended, which was very hard on me.
  
• Relating to the above, and the general instability of our lives, we have never been able to work on the relationship as much as needed. I should have put in a lot more work than I have, and I should have focused more on the relationship. I didn't know it was this bad.
  
• The last six months I was not feeling very attracted to her, and our sex-life has suffered a lot. Sex is very important to me in a relationship, and I always felt this was a thorn in my side.
  
• I have high standards for myself in life. And I tend to impose, and expect, those standards from people close to me at times. I know this is wrong, and I know I shouldn't, but it has probably resulted in me being overly critical of things at times (clothing, etc.), and not as supportive as I should have been ("stop being so mean").
  
• When writing this, I really come across as an ahole. I probably have been at times, but I still feel like the base of the relationship has been stable and loving. I have loved her, and she has made me want to explore new areas in life from that stable base, and I've always loved falling asleep next to her at night. And I know she has loved me too, and I don't think things have been all bad.
  

 

In short, I realize I have to bear a lot of the blame for this relationship and I truly feel bad about that. I don't want to be a "bad guy". She has many great qualities, though I'm not sure we were fully compatible in the end. She was nice and loving, but at the same time I felt the relationship missed a lot of things. She explained she even started fantasizing about names for our children, and didn't want to feel the way she did, but it was best to end it. Right person at the wrong time, she concluded. And we said goodbye.

 

I found some last old pictures of her yesterday and I broke down. I feel like breaking NC, because she looked so beautiful and loving. I know I wasn't super happy in the relationship, but I can't help romanticizing it and thinking I've made a huge mistake.

 

Sorry for this wall of text. Finally, I have a couple of questions:

How do I know if I have issues with closeness, or if it was just this relationship? Like I said, I never felt 100% sure about the relationship, and I asked her at first we take things slow since I seem to be afraid of getting hurt and committing. I never had this in my last relationship really, but that relationship scarred me as well. What can I do about it?

 

Now my life is in the dumps. The company is failing, I'm more broke than I've ever been in my adult life, and I'm stuck in my parents' basement. I'm contemplating breaking NC to see how she's doing, apologize for my shortcomings, etc. even though I know it's a horrible idea.

 

Ultimately, I felt things were stable enough, and I hoped for a future. Now those hopes and dreams are but ash, and I'm trying to learn from the situation. Any input is welcome.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you should break No Contact. It doesn't sound like this relationship really had legs, given your lack of attraction to her and your apparent unwillingness to integrate her into your life. I don't think that's an intimacy issue - I think that's your gut telling you she wasn't the right person for you.

 

Moving forward, I would think about how you can better express your feelings and manage your emotions in a relationship. Being overly critical or cutting someone down is never acceptable and I have a feeling you were projecting your general unhappiness and frustration on to her. I also think you knew, deep-down, that you weren't compatible long-term. But you can learn from this. Listen to your instincts and don't stay when there are so many doubts.

 

I think when your personal situation improves, you will feel a lot more prepared to be in a relationship again. Otherwise, you'll probably continue to view relationships through a negative filter, due to the other stress in your life. Give yourself time to feel happy with yourself again.

[PBK]

Thanks a lot ExpatInItaly, what you're saying makes a lot of sense. I appreciate it.

[losangelena]

In short, I realize I have to bear a lot of the blame for this relationship and I truly feel bad about that. I don't want to be a "bad guy". She has many great qualities, though I'm not sure we were fully compatible in the end.

 

Your list sounds like my ex could have written it, so if I sound unnecessarily harsh, I'm sorry.

 

I get that you're uncomfortable with thinking of yourself as a "bad guy," but I think you need to reconcile the fact that you're capable of breaking someone's heart. My ex also was not ever 100% sure, and let me tell you, questioning your BF's feelings for you, feeling insecure in what should be an ever-deepening relationship, is s****y, full-stop. So I understand how your ex feels, and for that reason alone (sorry to say), I don't have a ton of sympathy for you.

 

I know what you did not come from a malicious place (like you were intentionally dragging it out), and I'm also not suggesting that she didn't have a hand in all this as well, but I don't see how continuing to date her, if you were embarrassed of her, if you were unsure, was going to result in anything other than heart break for her, as her feelings for you continued to grow.

 

So, for your sake, come to terms with what you've done, that your actions (or inactions) have inevitably led you to this place of being "the bad guy," and then try and forgive yourself. And then take what you've learned and move on to the next relationship. I also think you should stay no contact, as I'm sure your desire to reach out is rooted in wanting to absolve your own guilt in this situation, and not a genuine desire to reconnect with her.

 

Sorry things have been so tough for you lately. Whenever I go through periods like that, I tell myself that things won't always be that way. Lastly, I think the only way to gauge whether you have a fear of intimacy, is to see what happens the next time you date someone, if any patterns develop.

[PBK]

Your list sounds like my ex could have written it, so if I sound unnecessarily harsh, I'm sorry.

 

I get that you're uncomfortable with thinking of yourself as a "bad guy," but I think you need to reconcile the fact that you're capable of breaking someone's heart. My ex also was not ever 100% sure, and let me tell you, questioning your BF's feelings for you, feeling insecure in what should be an ever-deepening relationship, is s****y, full-stop. So I understand how your ex feels, and for that reason alone (sorry to say), I don't have a ton of sympathy for you.

 

I know what you did not come from a malicious place (like you were intentionally dragging it out), and I'm also not suggesting that she didn't have a hand in all this as well, but I don't see how continuing to date her, if you were embarrassed of her, if you were unsure, was going to result in anything other than heart break for her, as her feelings for you continued to grow.

 

So, for your sake, come to terms with what you've done, that your actions (or inactions) have inevitably led you to this place of being "the bad guy," and then try and forgive yourself. And then take what you've learned and move on to the next relationship. I also think you should stay no contact, as I'm sure your desire to reach out is rooted in wanting to absolve your own guilt in this situation, and not a genuine desire to reconnect with her.

 

Sorry things have been so tough for you lately. Whenever I go through periods like that, I tell myself that things won't always be that way. Lastly, I think the only way to gauge whether you have a fear of intimacy, is to see what happens the next time you date someone, if any patterns develop.

 

That's probably a fair assessment, I understand what you say even though I hate hearing it. I'm not proud of it, and I do feel genuinely ****ty. Why this happened, I don't fully know either, though I suspect it stems from low self-esteem.

 

I did (do) love her, and I do think she loved me, and we shared a lot of great moments. So it wasn't all bad, but I realize what you're saying. Now I feel even more terrible, but I guess that's deserved. Thanks for the reality check.

[Qboro90]

I think lossngelena's reply was on point and well said. From a guy's perspective I think you are being a little drastic in your self criticism simply because there's nothing you did towards her that was specifically done with Ill will or malicious intent.

 

Being able to see that you could've done this better, or done that differently is something that is much easier to do in retrospect and nothing that most people can say they weren't guilty of as well. Anyone who has an Ex, or who has ended a relationship, or turned someone down... Can look back later on or as they matured in their life and say "you know, they were a genuinely good person who I don't think I appreciated enough during our time together and could've done a better job at showing her that during our Time together"

 

That's all you really are going back and forth over right now.

 

And perhaps what's most important is why you've been thinking this as of late. The answer is at the end of your post. Look at what stage you are in your life and what's going on at the moment. Things aren't peaking and going the way you planned, hoped, or have struggled to achieve. You're at a low point. It happens man. Job isn't going well, you're still at home, career not going as you planned, dollar bills in your pocket instead of 100's, no girlfriend, likely no crush or prospects you find appealing.

 

So what is the natural thing to do? Go back and think that what you had before wasn't so bad and maybe it's worth a shot to go back to. However that thought Is misguided and not something you would consider doing if in fact the trajectory of your life was on the way up right now instead of down.

 

Ask yourself this. If you broke up with her... And then your job troubles worked out for the best, or you got a new opportunity with another company with a raise... We're able to, or in the process of moving out... And had a couple girls giving you some attention, or even 1 girl who gets you're juices flowing and you look forward to the challange of trying to win her over.... If you would still be thinking these things about your ex?

 

I highly doubt that you would. But since you don't have those things... You look back and say "you know.. She wasn't that bad... She looks really good in a couple of these pictures from a while back.... Maybe she wasn't the most amazing or gorgeous girl in the world... But she's better than what I have now, right?"

 

Can't think like that. You weren't attracted to her from the start. While you can feel bad about bringing up her weight or appearance... You're also not the devil for feeling that way either. And if she showed no signs of changing that and you weren't excited to see her come out of the bathroom once she was all ready for a night out... Then she wasn't the girl for you.

It's not bad to have or want high standards. You're not being unrealistic like some guys are. Personally, I want to date a girl that whom I actually look forward to bringing out with my friends because I know they're gonna be telling me "damn dude, nice job man... She's an awesome chick... Plus she's a smoke show".....

 

If you never felt that towards your ex. Then it's not gonna develop because you now realize she was a really nice girl who you could've been a little better towards.

 

Just take that awareness and maturity into your next relationship. And focus on progressi your career right now. If your company is failing, then stop waiting for the corporate letter saying your job is gone... And proactively get out and interview and find a job in the same field where you can have a better opportunity... Even if it's a step back financially or responsibility wise... If the company is stable, and you can rise up as long as you hustle and work hard... Then I think your overall outlook and self worth will begin to rise and give you confidence in the other areas of your life.

 

You admitted that this was the big issue stressing you out during your last relationship. If you went back to dating her now... Would that change how you feel about your job, finances, and future? No... It's just a bandaid to make you feel like someone thinks your worth their time.

[mightycpa]

I think lossngelena's reply was on point and well said. From a guy's perspective I think you are being a little drastic in your self criticism simply because there's nothing you did towards her that was specifically done with Ill will or malicious intent.

Although, if you've found that you are a nice guy with an ahole personality, then malicious or not, that might be an area that you want to work on.

[Qboro90]

Although, if you've found that you are a nice guy with an ahole personality, then malicious or not, that might be an area that you want to work on.

 

If you have an ******* personality, then you wouldn't be a nice guy.

 

If a 16 year old guy cheats on his hs gf of 5 months... Then at 18yo looks back and thinks "man I was a dick back then, she deserved way better, I can't believe I would do that to someone" then is he an *******? Or a nice guy?

 

He's just someone who's growing up and reflecting on things he thinks could've been done or handled better .

 

I'm sure OP can find a ton of areas that be can work on. So can everyone else in the world. But it's not like he's saying he cheated on this girl or abused her and doesn't know why or can't be sure he never would again.