What's the point??

[Brando]

I'm probably cynical at the moment, but does anyone ever think....what's the point? I've gone from a guy who loved the idea of finding someone for the long haul, but after a series of 2-3 year relationships they all come crashing. So really, in a hookup culture plagued with social media where women in relationships get messaged and hit on all day, where sex is no longer sacred, but a pass time, divorce rates are soaring, people bail when times get tough (even I'm guilty of this one time), grass always seems greener, people are a flirty text from a random away from cheating, people are friends with their Exs and have way too much access to them via technology etc.

 

I sound bitter....I think I may have lost hope for a LTR...thoughts??

[Droksie]

Reality is that you are not bitter at all, societly simply went downhill. Everything you said is completely true. Its extremely hard nowadays to find

someone that wont leave you after the first bump.

[mightycpa]

Dude, don't go looking for relationships. Because if you do, all your going to run into is people looking for relationships, and they have the same problem that you do. You're all looking for that special thing and whether you realize it or not, you have a vision in mind. When people don't meet your version of the vision, well, a couple years later, it's splitsville, and you have to start all over.

 

The best thing I ever did was refuse exclusivity with my girlfriends. I just flat out refused to do it. Yeah, some bailed, but I was surprised at how many were agreeable. I would date two or three, and if I liked a new one, I replaced #3 with the new one. There was constant churn, and constant improvement in the suitability of the women I dated. The last four were outstanding people with whom I had outstanding relationships, and of course, the last one was someone I would have never been able to date or probably even meet if I was bound to some promise that wouldn't last. I didn't love them, so if they went out with another guy, it was really ok with me. That attitude allowed me to keep an independent perspective, rather than become consumed by the relationship and all the expectations that go along with it. It was a big change in how I viewed the people I dated. A very good one that served me well.

 

The other surprising thing was that given the variety, I think I learned a lot about women, and what I liked and didn't like in them. I noticed that they treated me better, as if they were competing, and actually, I treated them better, because that's part of how you keep them around. I was competing too. It was so much fun, and I never had a bad parting of the ways after I made that decision. In fact, one of them introduced me to the best girlfriend I ever had after we stopped dating. How many times has that happened to you? That's what I thought. The whole idea is counterintuitive to how it actually works.

 

Your first thought might be "I can't be a player" You don't have to be. You don't have to have sex with all of them, although you probably could with most. You just have to be sincere, honest, and willing to dictate the terms of how you will date. You will definitely spend more money, but think of it as an investment in your future.

 

So, kill the search for relationships, and spend your time meeting and getting to know new women instead. I highly recommend it.

Edited January 27, 2016 by mightycpa

[LostOnes05]

This brought tears to my eyes (not literally haha). I completely agree with you on this. I'm not one to go around having sex with random women or multidating. For one, I'm way too busy to keep up with details from 3-4 women. I would rather get to know one woman at a time, but as you basically said they always have a back up in the bleachers or a hovering ex. After this last fiasco, I've given up on dating to just pursue my goals and purpose. I have found dating more difficult and stressful than it has to be. I've even had a woman come back almost a year after she ignored the hell outta me. That was a weird occurrence, believe me. But yea, everyone is looking for the next best thing instead of focusing on who is in front of them.

[louxor]

I think you're just looking at this from the wrong angle.

 

You have to try and get into the habit of being grateful for the lessons you learned, experiences you shared, and feelings you felt whilst in a relationship, and stop dwelling on the fact that at one point or another it's going to end.

 

Everything in life comes to an end. Everything. Imagine how pointless life would be if you adopted this view for everything - You work your ass off for weeks on end, saving small amounts each week until you have enough to afford an overseas trip. You then go on the trip, have a great time, but then once you get back home its back to work and the joy of the holiday comes to a grinding finish. Does this process make you lose hope in holidaying? Because it was sooooo good while it lasted but now it's over and it sucks so you never want to go on a holiday again? No. You hold onto the awesome memories you have from that experience, and you get back to it and work towards the next one.

 

This is much like relationships. If you focus only on the fact that it's over when it's over, then you are missing the whole point of it, and you are wasting your time. Instead of giving up hope for the future because this relationship is now over, use your happy memories, your great experiences as proof that there is more of that to come in the future. If you don't, there really isn't much point at all.

 

Just my two cents coming from someone who has noticed a huge change in perspective by changing my view like this.

[Brando]

I date a lot between relationships. I usually have to rebuild my social circle and make new friends as well. After some time I find a girl I want to be exclusive with. I usually link expectations with becoming exclusive. I don't think I can have that view anymore. I now think that I will just see where things go, but expect that it will last a couple years and then there will be a split.

 

I have an rich, older friend (I'm only 30, he is 65) but he looks and acts much younger. He dates women much younger than him and only married once for a short amount of time (wife came home, packed her bags and told him she was leaving with here new man to Mexico). He went NC immediately haha.

 

His name is Harry. Everyone says "harry don't marry." He comes around all the time with the new "love of his life." After a year or 2 he disappears for about 6 months (breakup recovery) and then pops back up with the new "love of his life."

 

Sorry for the tangent, but....I think Harry is what LTRs have become...

[Brando]

I think you're just looking at this from the wrong angle.

 

You have to try and get into the habit of being grateful for the lessons you learned, experiences you shared, and feelings you felt whilst in a relationship, and stop dwelling on the fact that at one point or another it's going to end.

 

Everything in life comes to an end. Everything. Imagine how pointless life would be if you adopted this view for everything - You work your ass off for weeks on end, saving small amounts each week until you have enough to afford an overseas trip. You then go on the trip, have a great time, but then once you get back home its back to work and the joy of the holiday comes to a grinding finish. Does this process make you lose hope in holidaying? Because it was sooooo good while it lasted but now it's over and it sucks so you never want to go on a holiday again? No. You hold onto the awesome memories you have from that experience, and you get back to it and work towards the next one.

 

This is much like relationships. If you focus only on the fact that it's over when it's over, then you are missing the whole point of it, and you are wasting your time. Instead of giving up hope for the future because this relationship is now over, use your happy memories, your great experiences as proof that there is more of that to come in the future. If you don't, there really isn't much point at all.

 

Just my two cents coming from someone who has noticed a huge change in perspective by changing my view like this.

 

 

Great post! I'm sure I will share you point of view once this heartbreak flue goes away!!!

[louxor]

Great post! I'm sure I will share you point of view once this heartbreak flue goes away!!!

 

Don't even wait until then. Use it now. Use it to boost your recovery. That's what I did, and I credit that to being the major reason why I was able to move on from my break up so quickly.

 

Upset because the ex doesn't love you anymore? Swap that with building yourself up for being able to make someone feel love for you and feel loved by at one stage. This is the biggest gift you can give another person, and there are many people out there who don't have what it takes to give someone this amazing gift. Use this as evidence that if you can make one person feel that way, there's nothing stopping you from sharing it with another one.

 

Upset because you don't have that partner in crime to go on adventures anymore? Swap that with being grateful for all the amazing adventures you've already had with this person. All the fun times, all the new things...things that have made you a better person today. Use this as proof that there is so much more to come. If one person alone could give you all this, just imagine what the rest of the world has to offer! Isn't that exciting?

 

Upset because your bed is now empty? Swap that with being grateful for the fact that this person was comfortable enough with you to fully give themselves to you. That is a testament to you, to the qualities that you have that have allowed a person to feel so safe and comfortable around you. Again, use this as proof that if one person can feel like this around you, there's nothing to say someone else won't do the same, and more.

 

I could go on forever

[brothers343]

Finding the right man or woman at times can take a lifetime but they are found. Society is different in this age. Sometimes it takes just a smile and a decent line to get you in someones pants. Having sex with multiple people these days is the norm. Your amost competing against all odds. But you need to keep going and hopefully sooner than later you will find someone that challenges you in every way. Good luck.

[wow123]

Excellent post. History is the best predictor of the future. Statistics don't lie. The odds aren't good. Gambling with money is easier that gambling with your heart.

 

Also, even many of the people I know that are still married say don't don't it. While they actually seem like haooy/compatible couples.Sad.

Edited January 28, 2016 by wow123

[Wuku]

I think you have something there, unfortunately. It's a throwaway society in so many ways. If you don't mind continuously dating, having more but shorter relationships, then good for you. But if your looking for "the one", invest your time and emotion into the realationship, planning a future and really want that exclusivity and perhaps higher level of love, then it becomes very soul destroying to lose it again, and you end up back here wondering if it's worth it.

[mightycpa]

I think that the time you live in has a lot to do with it as well. You're not scraping by just so you can exist, and you haven't known only the village girls all your life. In those circumstances, it's probably natural to bond with someone for life, because shared struggle for survival will do that to you, and your life won't last that long anyway.

 

But today, most people may struggle to get ahead, but they don't struggle to survive. You also have lots of choices, and the entire world is literally available to you. You will meet a ton more people who are also affluent and mobile and adventurous. You can have sex openly, even anonymously with many people. You won't get shunned, and you won't get thrown in jail. You can also avoid pregnancy, and if you don't avoid it, you can terminate it with little effort. Under these conditions, it is a wonder that any relationship lasts for more than a few years.

 

Maybe you're just an anachronism, a relic of the past living in the wrong time.

[RySant]

But isn't that kind of life seems to be empty?

 

I am not sure what really happened in the "heterosexual" world.... I am a gay man and I thought the hook-up culture is supposed to be for us, alone. Fortunately, since the dawn of acceptance of same-sex marriage, many gay people are already turning from the 70s hook-up culture to monogamy. I am not saying EVERYONE does it as there are still a lot into Open Relationships, but, for people like me who wants something substantial, real and lasting, I am glad that the LGBT Community is somewhat already starting to adapt Monogamy. Pretty weird, huh.

 

The kind of culture we have right now seems a bit harsh, inhuman, and incompassionate. Love is one of the best things life can offer but it is being taken for granted to a great extent. People are being hurt deeply in their soul and people seems a bit indifferent to that. But I have faith that the system will fix itself. I don't think a loveless hook-up is much better than a strong, loving and real connection with one person.

 

There might be just a few left who have the same belief as me, but I will wait and search for them. It's better than having hundreds of meaningless sex.

[Thistooshallpass21]

Don't give up my friend. Everything is looking down right now and society might actually be like this, but remember love always prevails. Keep loving hard and to the fullest otherwise we fall victims to society. She will come brother, she will come.

[Hughes101]

I'm probably cynical at the moment, but does anyone ever think....what's the point? I've gone from a guy who loved the idea of finding someone for the long haul, but after a series of 2-3 year relationships they all come crashing. So really, in a hookup culture plagued with social media where women in relationships get messaged and hit on all day, where sex is no longer sacred, but a pass time, divorce rates are soaring, people bail when times get tough (even I'm guilty of this one time), grass always seems greener, people are a flirty text from a random away from cheating, people are friends with their Exs and have way too much access to them via technology etc.

 

I sound bitter....I think I may have lost hope for a LTR...thoughts??

 

It sucks. People are obsessed with quick fix validation. Sex with random people is meaningless and they lose their ability to pair bond. The concept of marriage is a bit of a joke now.. people spending their 20s getting as much as they can and then reluctantly settling for marriage add their looks can't get them things like they used to.

 

I'm with you brother I'm also wondering what the point is.

 

Or (what I'm currently aspiring to) try to work on yourself, establish your own life goals and do it for you. Don't let yourself become dependant on a partner for happiness. If a good one comes along great but never forget they're a text message away from the next partner.

[LostOnes05]

I was able to get over this last "whatever it was" quickly (was still a bit pissed about her lying, etc.) because I told myself every day in the beginning that she could leave at any moment. I told myself this to avoid attachment, kept my feelings in check and she was all over me. When I let my guard down for a minute...well you can guess what happened. Just my personal story but that's why I'm going to focus solely on my purpose without entertaining women. Definitely not one of those people who gets involved with someone and then says, let me work on myself.

 

And to Luoxor, I agree that everything has an endpoint and you have to be positive about it. I just feel like it doesn't have to end with disrespect. If they lie, cheat, etc. I lose respect for the person. And for me, If I can't trust you we won't be in a relationship and certainly won't be "friends". The negativity I have for them is a means of telling myself, DO NOT GO BACK THERE...IT ISN'T SAFE!!

[louxor]

 

And to Luoxor, I agree that everything has an endpoint and you have to be positive about it. I just feel like it doesn't have to end with disrespect. If they lie, cheat, etc. I lose respect for the person. And for me, If I can't trust you we won't be in a relationship and certainly won't be "friends". The negativity I have for them is a means of telling myself, DO NOT GO BACK THERE...IT ISN'T SAFE!!

 

That's completely true yes, using your past negative experiences as a lesson on what to avoid in the future. This however is a bit different to what OP is saying about giving up on trying again due to a bad experience. Sure, we can take our time after leaving a bad relationship, but with everything in life if you just give up because things have gone wrong a few times, then you get nowhere.

 

Maybe this is just me, but I've been cheated on in the past and while it did hurt, it didn't turn me off relationships, it just turned me off the potentially bad ones, which I am now more effectively able to pinpoint and remove before I get attached thanks to my lessons learned with the one who cheated on me.

 

I just try and see everything I do, be it a good or bad experience, as a learning process which will aid me in some way or another in the future with a bigger picture I am yet to discover. It might not be for everyone, but my life has become a lot smoother and worry-free since adopting these views.

 

Food for thought I guess

[Brando]

That's completely true yes, using your past negative experiences as a lesson on what to avoid in the future. This however is a bit different to what OP is saying about giving up on trying again due to a bad experience. Sure, we can take our time after leaving a bad relationship, but with everything in life if you just give up because things have gone wrong a few times, then you get nowhere.

 

Maybe this is just me, but I've been cheated on in the past and while it did hurt, it didn't turn me off relationships, it just turned me off the potentially bad ones, which I am now more effectively able to pinpoint and remove before I get attached thanks to my lessons learned with the one who cheated on me.

 

I just try and see everything I do, be it a good or bad experience, as a learning process which will aid me in some way or another in the future with a bigger picture I am yet to discover. It might not be for everyone, but my life has become a lot smoother and worry-free since adopting these views.

 

Food for thought I guess

 

You're perspective is refreshing. I do think though that technology and being connected to everyone in today's culture makes a relationship that much less likely to last.

I am still great friends with one of my ex's. She is a great person and really gives me a view on what it's like to be a woman. She let me see her facebook messages. In the last month she has received about a message every couple days from an old ex trying to reconnect, from a old crush trying to reconnect, from random guys saying "she's hot" "your status is single, would you like to meet" and so on. It was a real eye opener to me. Woman are hit on while they are at home sitting on the couch!!! There is always someone trying something. I get it that a good girl that is satisfied in a relationship will handle those types of situations correctly. However, when a relationship is going through a rough point I think these things make it much easier to think "the grass is greener."

Men have it the same way. Relationship is going through a rough patch and they can shoot off a few texts/messages/tinder swipes and it's that simple.

 

I really believe due to how casual sex has become and being connected by technology the "this relationship is going through a rough patch, lets talk about it. This is what I need from you, what do you need from me?" Those talks have turned into...."we need to talk, I'm not happy anymore, I'm moving on"

 

I agree people come and go and some things are not meant to be and we all learn and grow from our experiences, but I truly believe in this day and age it's much easier to jump ship than to keep it afloat!

[louxor]

You're perspective is refreshing. I do think though that technology and being connected to everyone in today's culture makes a relationship that much less likely to last.

I am still great friends with one of my ex's. She is a great person and really gives me a view on what it's like to be a woman. She let me see her facebook messages. In the last month she has received about a message every couple days from an old ex trying to reconnect, from a old crush trying to reconnect, from random guys saying "she's hot" "your status is single, would you like to meet" and so on. It was a real eye opener to me. Woman are hit on while they are at home sitting on the couch!!! There is always someone trying something. I get it that a good girl that is satisfied in a relationship will handle those types of situations correctly. However, when a relationship is going through a rough point I think these things make it much easier to think "the grass is greener."

Men have it the same way. Relationship is going through a rough patch and they can shoot off a few texts/messages/tinder swipes and it's that simple.

 

Women get hit on all the time, wherever they are. Modern technology hasn't caused them to suddenly go from having no options to having hundreds. Sure, it has broadened the horizons a little, but hardly an extreme degree.

 

 

I really believe due to how casual sex has become and being connected by technology the "this relationship is going through a rough patch, lets talk about it. This is what I need from you, what do you need from me?" Those talks have turned into...."we need to talk, I'm not happy anymore, I'm moving on"

 

I agree people come and go and some things are not meant to be and we all learn and grow from our experiences, but I truly believe in this day and age it's much easier to jump ship than to keep it afloat!

 

I totally see the reasons behind your opinion on this part, but I'm going to have to respectfully disagree, here's why:

 

I am totally, 100% in support of the 'normalisation' of casual sex these days. People are able to experience all these things without having to worry about labels so much. Some of the best sex I've ever had was with a women I was dating who has had over 30 sexual partners - Why was it so good? because she knew exactly what she liked, and knew how to communicate this with me. She was 100% open, we were able to connect physically in ways I had never experienced before. This all stemmed from her being able to experience her sexuality freely. There is nothing more frustrating than asking a woman what she likes in bed, only to hear "I don't know".

 

In regards to the "easier to jump ship than keep it afloat" point, you don't think all of this existed as much before modern technology? The thing about modern technology is that everything gets captured and shared. Before it, these same things were going on, it's just the information wasn't publicly available at the click of a button like it is now.

 

I believe you are just looking in the wrong place. There are still plenty of women out there with high integrity. Again, it's just all about using your past negative experiences as guides to lead you away from ones displaying these red flags.

[Brando]

Women get hit on all the time, wherever they are. Modern technology hasn't caused them to suddenly go from having no options to having hundreds. Sure, it has broadened the horizons a little, but hardly an extreme degree.

 

Women and men will always have options, but to say that technology only broadened the horizons a little is a downplay. I talk to all my ex's at some point in time. I have even dated them and slept with them years later. There will always be a comfort level with people you have a history with. Anyway, I think it broadens the horizon exponentially. I can go in my phone and use text/FB or whatever means off communications and get in touch with hundreds of people. How would people keep in touch with ex's or flings in the past? Call their house? Drive by and knock on the door? I just went through a breakup. I can send her a message in 2 second, she could do the same. Emotions would be stirred on either end if that simple message was sent. A whole lot different than in the past....snail mail, frequent where you think she hangs out??

 

I totally see the reasons behind your opinion on this part, but I'm going to have to respectfully disagree, here's why:

 

I am totally, 100% in support of the 'normalisation' of casual sex these days. People are able to experience all these things without having to worry about labels so much. Some of the best sex I've ever had was with a women I was dating who has had over 30 sexual partners - Why was it so good? because she knew exactly what she liked, and knew how to communicate this with me. She was 100% open, we were able to connect physically in ways I had never experienced before. This all stemmed from her being able to experience her sexuality freely. There is nothing more frustrating than asking a woman what she likes in bed, only to hear "I don't know".

 

I do enjoy the casual sex culture when I am single. I do not enjoy it when I am in a relationship haha.

 

In regards to the "easier to jump ship than keep it afloat" point, you don't think all of this existed as much before modern technology? The thing about modern technology is that everything gets captured and shared. Before it, these same things were going on, it's just the information wasn't publicly available at the click of a button like it is now.

 

I think it did exist before technology, but to a much lesser extent. Girl broke up with me. I text my hovering ex or one of my orbiters and it's so easy to replace instead of work something out. Before technology I would have to go out and meet people.

 

I believe you are just looking in the wrong place. There are still plenty of women out there with high integrity. Again, it's just all about using your past negative experiences as guides to lead you away from ones displaying these red flags.

 

I completely agree my friend. This thread has become very interesting to me. I enjoy everyone's thought!

[Brando]

Sorry the above is messy. I guess I don't get the "Quote" thing just yet...

[Itspointless]

I'm probably cynical at the moment, but does anyone ever think....what's the point? I've gone from a guy who loved the idea of finding someone for the long haul, but after a series of 2-3 year relationships they all come crashing. So really, in a hookup culture plagued with social media where women in relationships get messaged and hit on all day, where sex is no longer sacred, but a pass time, divorce rates are soaring, people bail when times get tough (even I'm guilty of this one time), grass always seems greener, people are a flirty text from a random away from cheating, people are friends with their Exs and have way too much access to them via technology etc.

 

I sound bitter....I think I may have lost hope for a LTR...thoughts??

Yes this is a cynical view.

 

If you are looking for that special someone, well, that person isn't called special for no reason. It usually means that people have learned to be alone and not needing the other for being able to function in daily life.

 

Search for someone who is balanced and not full of it.

[Brando]

Yes this is a cynical view.

 

If you are looking for that special someone, well, that person isn't called special for no reason. It usually means that people have learned to be alone and not needing the other for being able to function in daily life.

 

Search for someone who is balanced and not full of it.

 

I agree. Very cynical POV and I am sure it is just part of my grieving process. I am enjoying this discussion though and I do believe technology and culture has had an effect on LTR's. However, I'm not blindly cynical enough at the moment to believe there aren't people out there who will "go the distance." Trust me, I don't search for "the one." I date and have fun and meet people. I myself am guilty of leaving relationships for other people or prefer to be single. I think it is much more difficult in the world we live in today though to maintain a LTR.

[Itspointless]

I agree. Very cynical POV and I am sure it is just part of my grieving process. I am enjoying this discussion though and I do believe technology and culture has had an effect on LTR's. However, I'm not blindly cynical enough at the moment to believe there aren't people out there who will "go the distance." Trust me, I don't search for "the one." I date and have fun and meet people. I myself am guilty of leaving relationships for other people or prefer to be single. I think it is much more difficult in the world we live in today though to maintain a LTR.

Almost nobody does not wish to find someone for the long haul, with some exceptions usually due to severe disappointment, attachment issues or a pd. It always makes me feel people that are a bit full of it when they say this to someone to sound as the perfect partner and trustworthy.

 

People are less bound to traditions now that came forth out of religion and dogma these days. I do not find that a bad thing. At the same time people are more materialistic in western society than ever. It is what I implicitly meant in my other message. These days many people feel no need to reflect about their own behavior and morals, as they are used to using the other as object (instead of as a subject): 'if I have a partner and when I am married than my life will be good.' Combine that with the meritocratic ideal that goes with most no-liberal societies where accomplishment is thought of as merit. If I do not have this at the age of this than I must have failed. So at the same time we also think: 'if I have a partner and when I am married than my life will be rated as good.' These believes make many people rush into things that they are not emotionally ready for. That is of-course combined with some hormonal urges, especially with women. Unfortunately consumerism goes together with this kind of materialism makes which makes people feel in their right when they go shopping elsewhere. What often is lost is people reflecting on the dynamic they both put together and with that taking responsibility for their own role. I do not think that people in the past where more reflective, in the past people just were stuck with each-other. Now more people at least have a choice.

 

Search for someone who is reflective and honest and is willing to really invest (to stick with a capitalistic term).

[Brando]

Almost nobody does not wish to find someone for the long haul, with some exceptions usually due to severe disappointment, attachment issues or a pd. It always makes me feel people that are a bit full of it when they say this to someone to sound as the perfect partner and trustworthy.

 

People are less bound to traditions now that came forth out of religion and dogma these days. I do not find that a bad thing. At the same time people are more materialistic in western society than ever. It is what I implicitly meant in my other message. These days many people feel no need to reflect about their own behavior and morals, as they are used to using the other as object (instead of as a subject): 'if I have a partner and when I am married than my life will be good.' Combine that with the meritocratic ideal that goes with most no-liberal societies where accomplishment is thought of as merit. If I do not have this at the age of this than I must have failed. So at the same time we also think: 'if I have a partner and when I am married than my life will be rated as good.' These believes make many people rush into things that they are not emotionally ready for. That is of-course combined with some hormonal urges, especially with women. Unfortunately consumerism goes together with this kind of materialism makes which makes people feel in their right when they go shopping elsewhere. What often is lost is people reflecting on the dynamic they both put together and with that taking responsibility for their own role. I do not think that people in the past where more reflective, in the past people just were stuck with each-other. Now more people at least have a choice.

 

Search for someone who is reflective and honest and is willing to really invest (to stick with a capitalistic term).

 

Wow, good read. That is a very well thought out response. I agree completely. People of the past were probably stuck due to the lack of the mass connectivity we all experience today. Now it is possible that due to the lack of connection resources people were forced to become more self reflective and stick out relationships. So maybe they were more reflective, but only due to the fact they lived in a "smaller world."

 

The materialistic and mass consumer aspect of our society you've made a great point on. People feel entitled to move on to something they perceive to be better. People may be committed, but have feelers out for the next better option. I do think technology helps as a passive form of "extending those feelers."

 

The self reflection point you made was very well put.

 

A great example: A person who dumps because the grass if greener, or they met someone else (from my experience on being that person) does not find the need to self reflect or grow, maybe a little, but not to a great extent. The dumper in these cases truly believes they don't really need self reflection. They have found someone else and life is good. They don't learn very much or go through stages tremendous self improvement.

 

As for someone who was dumped they are forced into a hurricane of self reflection. They have been let go and they spend a significant amount of time reflecting, processing and healing. I've experienced that being on the receiving end of a breakup is life changing for a person. If the person is healthy and processes the grief in the smartest way (no addictions, stalking, indulging, etc.) they will be a truly changed person having been forced into self reflection by the dumper. They grow, reflect, annalyze and improve on relationship skills, knowing what they want, confidence and strength, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is a powerful process that the dumper does not experience to any comparable amount.