I don't know what he wants and I'm falling for him

[amclueless]

I'm 21 and I met this 22 year old guy about two months ago. We clicked instantly. We have great chemistry and I feel like I've known him for years. We went out on three dates and everything was perfect, moving rather quickly, but I was following his lead. Then all of a sudden he stopped talking to me. Just stopped. I did not contact him again because I thought that if he wanted to be here he would. About a month later, he contacted me. Said he was sorry and that he was just dealing with a bunch of stuff - new jobs, a death in the family, stress - and he just wanted to be alone. I decided to give him another chance. I met up with him and I was introduced to his family. A few days later I slept over at his house, but we just slept. Again, we began seeing each other and about a week or so later he went away for the weekend and just stopped talking to me again. Now let me just say, I'm falling for this guy. I've never felt so close to someone in such a short amount of time. I've never felt more understood by a guy. Men don't usually try to get to know me, they usually give up when they realize I'm not going to have sex with them right away. But this guy didn't. He wants to make a connection, he wants to get to know me, he wants me to be completely comfortable around him and it's wonderful. So this time, actually quite heartbroken, I gave it about a week and then I contacted him. I told him that unless everything he has ever said to me was a lie then it doesn't make any sense for him to keep disappearing, and that I miss him and that its in his hands now. To which he told me that he was scared of how fast it was moving and that he doesn't want to hurt me. A few days went by and he called me at night time and we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. The next day he came and visited me at work after meeting up with his father for advice regarding our situation. He told me that he does really care about me but he can't be with me right now. He said that he has too much going on and he doesn't want to hurt me and that he doesn't think he can give me what I need right now. However, he would like to keep seeing me and he wants to focus on being my friend for now and in the future possibly being more. He's not talking to other girls, and if he does talk to a girl it's going to be me. He's said that he doesn't want anything casual for us at all. His father thinks that after only meeting me once, that I would be good for and "wholesome" for him. Also, I don't think that someone who only has sex on his mind would go to the trouble of coming to my job and explaining himself, asking for redemption and another chance. I'm just trying to figure out if I've been friend zoned or if he envisions us simply taking it slow while he gets his life in order. Should I stick around for a bit or give up?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This guy thinks it's ok to pop in and out of your life whenever he feels like it. Those are not the actions of someone who cares about your feelings at all. He can argue that point all he likes, but his actions say a lot more than his words.

 

It is ok to admit you are not ready for a relationship, but to not even discuss his concerns prior to disappearing is completely disrespectful and selfish.

 

There is an old saying, "You teach people how to treat you". I think that applies here. The fact that you allowed him to get away with it means that he will do it again. You are also getting an insight into his character flaws which are huge red flags.

 

You are already developing feelings for this guy which is bad news for you because the stronger your feelings get, the more rubbish you will put up with. The idea of being "friends" at this point is a bad idea because of your feelings.

 

It is time to consider the big picture, with all the facts you have. He will continue to play games as your feelings grow. The friendship will keep crossing the line, making you even more confused and hurt when he backs off again.

 

I would advise you to cut him out of your life now, but it is up to you what you decide to do. Just be aware of the heartbreak and disappointment you are signing yourself up for.

[pteromom]

If he was only interested in talking to you, and only interested in pursuing something with you, the conversation would have been more like this:

 

"I am sorry. I don't want to move too fast, and I really have to wade in and take it slow. Would you be ok with only seeing me once a week or so and not communicating constantly so I can try to slowly integrate you into my life? I know this is asking a lot, but this isn't easy for me."

 

Instead, he is just saying NO to dating.

 

So there are a few possibilities:

 

1 - you are being friend-zoned and he has no intention of dating you but he doesn't want to deal with the fallout of a real "breakup"

 

2 - he doesn't want to be your bf, but he'll keep seeing you in hopes for sex

 

3 - he doesn't want to date you, but you are a convenient # in his phone when he is lonely. Note that this doesn't always mean sex - maybe he just wants someone to hold, or kiss, or talk to, and he knows you are open to it.

 

4 - he is telling the truth. He wants to date you but he "just can't". In which case, he is a very high-anxiety person and may not make a good partner. He would be one of those husbands who disappear for a week after every fight; who break up and come back over and over.

 

In any case, this doesn't bode well.

 

Part of growing up is learning to do what is right for you, even if it is hard, and even if it hurts. This is one of those times. It is up to you if you want to see what happens, but I wouldn't have high expectations.

[Redhead14]

I'm 21 and I met this 22 year old guy about two months ago. We clicked instantly. We have great chemistry and I feel like I've known him for years. We went out on three dates and everything was perfect, moving rather quickly, but I was following his lead. Then all of a sudden he stopped talking to me. Just stopped. I did not contact him again because I thought that if he wanted to be here he would. About a month later, he contacted me. Said he was sorry and that he was just dealing with a bunch of stuff - new jobs, a death in the family, stress - and he just wanted to be alone. I decided to give him another chance. I met up with him and I was introduced to his family. A few days later I slept over at his house, but we just slept. Again, we began seeing each other and about a week or so later he went away for the weekend and just stopped talking to me again. Now let me just say, I'm falling for this guy. I've never felt so close to someone in such a short amount of time. I've never felt more understood by a guy. Men don't usually try to get to know me, they usually give up when they realize I'm not going to have sex with them right away. But this guy didn't. He wants to make a connection, he wants to get to know me, he wants me to be completely comfortable around him and it's wonderful. So this time, actually quite heartbroken, I gave it about a week and then I contacted him. I told him that unless everything he has ever said to me was a lie then it doesn't make any sense for him to keep disappearing, and that I miss him and that its in his hands now. To which he told me that he was scared of how fast it was moving and that he doesn't want to hurt me. A few days went by and he called me at night time and we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. The next day he came and visited me at work after meeting up with his father for advice regarding our situation. He told me that he does really care about me but he can't be with me right now. He said that he has too much going on and he doesn't want to hurt me and that he doesn't think he can give me what I need right now. However, he would like to keep seeing me and he wants to focus on being my friend for now and in the future possibly being more. He's not talking to other girls, and if he does talk to a girl it's going to be me. He's said that he doesn't want anything casual for us at all. His father thinks that after only meeting me once, that I would be good for and "wholesome" for him. Also, I don't think that someone who only has sex on his mind would go to the trouble of coming to my job and explaining himself, asking for redemption and another chance. I'm just trying to figure out if I've been friend zoned or if he envisions us simply taking it slow while he gets his life in order. Should I stick around for a bit or give up?

 

This man is depressed and emotionally unavailable for a relationship with anyone. A man who comes in and out of a woman's life like this one simply doesn't know what he wants or he does want a woman/relationship but he knows he can't maintain it properly. He doesn't want to let go, so he'll keep you in a holding pattern for as long as you will tolerate it.

 

Men like this sometimes will come back at some point and appear to be all in for a while and the disappear again, back and forth, until he simply disappears forever without explanation or even a warning. You've seen it twice already. There are women who spend years with men like this, suffering basically in silence. It's a very lonely existence for a woman.

 

I've never felt more understood by a guy. -- It's one thing to understand you, it's another to be able to empathize and realize how what he does hurts you. Otherwise, he would not keep doing that. He can do what he does, because he is not emotionally connected to you.

 

Given his history of retreating at times of stress, grieving a recent death, and the fact that after he consulted his father he said "that he does really care about me but he can't be with me right now. He said that he has too much going on and he doesn't want to hurt me and that he doesn't think he can give me what I need right now." tells me that his father understands that his son is depressed and struggling and probably coached him about what to tell you. I know you say his father thinks you would be good for him, and that may be true, but he understands that it won't be good for you.

 

if he envisions us simply taking it slow while he gets his life in order -- He may envision that, but it's unlikely to be a near-term reality.

 

Also, I don't think that someone who only has sex on his mind would go to the trouble of coming to my job and explaining himself, asking for redemption and another chance -- According to what you wrote, he didn't come there for redemption and another chance, he came there to tell you that he can't give you or be what you want and basically asked you to wait for him to get his life in order. That isn't asking for another chance or for redemption.

 

taking it slow while he gets his life in order -- What is his plan for that? What steps is he taking/going to take to accomplish that? What is his goal in terms of timing for the various aspects of his life that he needs to get in order? "Get his life in order" is a very open ended statement.

 

What do you know about his life/history?

 

You would be wise to end this once and for all and go no contact. I promise you he will attempt to reach out to you for comfort, etc. at some point and you will go through this again and again if you don't.

[iphone_user1]

Find another guy meanwhile he gets his bs in order... if ever. Maybe it will be too late for him since you'll probably have already moved on.