VJ84 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I've been dating this guy since about October. I met him online as he was separated from his wife and didn't think much would come of it but apparently I was wrong and am at the stage where I really care for him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same. We spend a lot of time together. My issue is this: he hasn't really opened up about his ex and the things that caused it to fall apart. I don't even know how long he has been separated for only that the divorce will be finalized this year. I don't even know her name. He has an 11 yr old son that he is very close to (both ex and son live in another state) and he misses him dearly. His son is not doing well without him and it is really weighing on him. Over the weekend he even broke down and cried about it. His son keeps asking if he and ex will get back together and because he wants his son to know that anything is possible, he just tells him it's not likely rather than no. When I asked him the same he told me a firm no. I get hints here and there that I have to read into about his ex but he doesn't usually say anything about her unless it's in the context of his son. When I've suggested talking about it he says he doesn't want to right now and admits to keeping things in. The fact that he won't is starting to weigh on me as I'm a person that really takes in someone's energy. Should I pressure him into opening up more or is it still too soon? If we were casually dating it would be one thing but we're not. He told me he thought he would be dating many ppl and didn't think he would find someone so quickly which tells me he's serious about us. I'm worried though that he likes me because I'm a distraction from his issues and I'm someone to fill a void. Am I reading into things too much and again is it too soon to be talking or worried about these things? This is my first time dating someone whose been married and has a child. Any thoughts, advice please! Sorry for the long post, it's helpful for me to write it out.
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Why is he living so far away from his child? Hon, his past is his. You don't need to know the details of his marriage. That's private to him and his ex. He doesn't need to open up to you like you're his priest at confession. The smart question would have been to ask how long he's been single because that has a direct impact on you. A smart woman would not get involved with a man that has not been single for at least 2 years but too late for that. I have a lot of respect for people that keep their ex's stories to themselves. The man I am dating was married twice for 10 years each time. I have no intention at all of asking him what happened. Life happened, that's all.
Author VJ84 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 I didn't mean that he needed to confess all details and what not but just some of the stuff that's happening now via son and ex that has an impact on me as well given how our relationship has progressed.
Miss Peach Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) I have a few concerns about this story. 1. He's either withholding information or you're not asking. It's perfectly within your right to know how long he has been on his own and what process he took to rebuild his life post-divorce so you can feel secure you're ore than a rebound. I know someone who was able to get married shortly after a divorce but it's usually the exception rather than the rule. 2. He's not with his kids. This is a big red flag IMO. I don't care how much he says he misses them. He is not being involved. The kids likely feel abandoned. If he did it with his first family he is likely to be able to do it with you. A lot of men show boat and SAY they are good fathers but they do nothing with their ACTIONS to be good fathers. Many of guys who are not near their first family try to start over with a second family. I am in a single parents group and there are tons of women there who had husbands who either treated them exactly like the first wife/family or whose XHs went one to do the same thing with another woman. I'm not saying he's bad. It's just this is not a good sign for the type of guy I'm looking for IME. Edited January 27, 2016 by Miss Peach
Author VJ84 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 I have a few concerns about this story. 1. He's either withholding information or you're not asking. It's perfectly within your right to know how long he has been on his own and what process he took to rebuild his life post-divorce so you can feel secure you're ore than a rebound. I know someone who was able to get married shortly after a divorce but it's usually the exception rather than the rule. 2. He's not with his kids. This is a big red flag IMO. I don't care how much he says he misses them. He is not being involved. The kids likely feel abandoned. If he did it with his first family he is likely to be able to do it with you. A lot of men show boat and SAY they are good fathers but they do nothing with their ACTIONS to be good fathers. Many of guys who are not near their first family try to start over with a second family. I am in a single parents group and there are tons of women there who had husbands who either treated them exactly like the first wife/family or whose XHs went one to do the same thing with another woman. I'm not saying he's bad. It's just this is not a good sign for the type of guy I'm looking for IME. I've been the one whose not really asked much about it. I think that has more to do with the fact that I assumed things would be slow moving, if moving at all. It has been concerning to me about the fact that he's not in his son's life like he should be. I should clarify though that he and family moved down here together and she's the one who took the son and left, moving back to where they were from previously while he stayed. I've yet to talk about my past relationships even though he's asked. But he has more baggage than I do.
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I've been the one whose not really asked much about it. I think that has more to do with the fact that I assumed things would be slow moving, if moving at all. It has been concerning to me about the fact that he's not in his son's life like he should be. I should clarify though that he and family moved down here together and she's the one who took the son and left, moving back to where they were from previously while he stayed. I've yet to talk about my past relationships even though he's asked. But he has more baggage than I do. Having an ex-wife and a child is not baggage. It's having life experience. To me what happened in his marriage is irrelevant. People always put the other one at fault for the failure of their marriage. He can tell you a long detailed story about why it didn't work and I assure you his ex has another version of it. All you can do is learn about him in the 'now'. Who is he now, how does he treat you, how does he treat others, does he keep his word, is he honest with you, considerate, attentive. That's what's important.
Author VJ84 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 Having an ex-wife and a child is not baggage. It's having life experience. To me what happened in his marriage is irrelevant. People always put the other one at fault for the failure of their marriage. He can tell you a long detailed story about why it didn't work and I assure you his ex has another version of it. All you can do is learn about him in the 'now'. Who is he now, how does he treat you, how does he treat others, does he keep his word, is he honest with you, considerate, attentive. That's what's important. That's actually how I've been trying to look at it. "Baggage" is actually the word he used to describe himself. I've never been treated as well as he treats me which is also why I've not asked about his past. It's making me feel better knowing that I don't need to. I've been taking the approach to be there emotionally for him when he needs it but respecting his space. I was just at a place in my head where I was wondering if I should start asking just to know for the sake of the future since its possible there may be one with him.
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