Ex got gigs

January 27, 2016

So first off, loveshack has been amazing for me over the last 4 weeks. It has helped me understand my ex's mindset and helped me get through all the deep lows. Every time i felt total desolation i would just open a new thread and it would help me to get through it.

my story...

My ex and i had been together for just over 4 years and had a perfect relationship. we lived together, had an amazing understanding of each other and supported each other totally. There were no obvious signs before she ended it. I am 5 years older then her and experienced gigs in my previous relationship so i do understand what she's going through. She was 17 when we started dating and is about to turn 22. Perfect gigs candidate. We are both still in college and she said all the usual stuff, loves me dearly but not in love with me, wants to focus on herself, wants to be free and single. We had an overseas holiday paid and booked for together, which she bailed on, which made it even tougher. Plus it happened just before christmas so to say i was devistated is an understatement. I made all the usual mistakes, begging and pleading. Tried one last time on the 30th of december but she said she had made her decision. She did say she could be making the biggest mistake of her life but it was her decision to make, so i just said i love you and look after herself. I found loveshack that night and read up about nc which i implememted immediately. She broke it 7 days later just for a bull**** reason. i was polite but firm, which wasn't the way she thought i would react. she messaged again a few days later to wish me all the best on my trip, which i replied with a 'thanks'. I decided that night to block her on Facebook and block her on watsapp. Best decision i made! suddenly i couldn't check up on her even if i wanted to plus she would have no way to contact me. So anyway i went on my trip and had a great time without her. problem arouse when i got back to college. She lives literally across the road from me and as i arrived back i suddenly hit a major downer. I've cried everyday since I've been back (4 days). Its so hard because all i want to do is message her but i know that it will not help the situation, only cause me more pain. So it was 3 weeks nc today. My biggest fear about being back was running into her so for the last 3 days I've been really on edge, but I've been carrying on as usual. i said to myself that i wouldn't let her affect my life here. So today, i went to the other end of town to get supper at a thai place, admittedly we both used to eat there a lot, and who do i see as I'm driving past, my ex! so anyway i park my car and get out and she walks straight past me which i knew she would. so anyway i go to get my order and talk **** with the manager for about 15 minutes, we're old friends. So i get back to my car and drive home. My ex is still standing by her car just loitering, when i drive past. I don't even look at her. As i drive past she gets in her car and drives right behind me all the way home. Felt very strange. Anyway i ignore her and park and go up to my flat. I just got a text from her saying, "hey. Im only going to ask now because i know you just walked past me, but are you okay?" All i wanted to do was respond but i know its just breadcrumbs and that she wants attention. So instead i decided to write my story for all you guys. Im assuming she just wanted attention/acknowledgement from me? what do you guys think?

Im sorry the story is so long!

January 27, 2016

For what it is worth, I think you handled that extremely well. It was a hard situation to be in when you were feeling that way.

No, do not break no contact and reply. She would love to get an ego boost hearing you say that you are struggling or that you miss her. Please don't do it.

How you are feeling is none of her business. Just remember, she said she isn't in love with you anymore, so any attention you give her is a wasted effort.

You will be ok, just hang in there and post here for support instead.

January 27, 2016

The thing is she knows you are not okay. It's just another BS reason to get you to talk. If she can get you to talk, it alleviates her guilt. She hates feeling like the bad guy. There was a time when you were begging and pleading and now you're seemingly stronger and resilient in your attempts to move on. It doesn't sit well with her.

Stay NC. It's going to be hard since she is in close proximity but be strong and keep pushing forward. She left to focus on herself. Time for you to do the same.

January 27, 2016

The thing is she knows you are not okay. It's just another BS reason to get you to talk. If she can get you to talk, it alleviates her guilt. She hates feeling like the bad guy. There was a time when you were begging and pleading and now you're seemingly stronger and resilient in your attempts to move on. It doesn't sit well with her.

Stay NC. It's going to be hard since she is in close proximity but be strong and keep pushing forward. She left to focus on herself. Time for you to do the same.

This is it.

I was in her position when I was almost exactly the same age. Had been with an ex from 18-23, we'd lived together, the whole bit. But I fell out of love. There was nothing wrong with him personally, but I just knew it wasn't right anymore.

And I always felt very guilty whenever I saw him in the couple months after the split. It wasn't a mutual decision at the time and I felt awful for hurting him. I also had plenty of growing up to do.

Stay No Contact. It will be hard but ultimately worth it. For what it's worth, that ex and I have both since completely moved on (the break-up was almost 12 years ago now, how time flies!)

January 28, 2016

My ex lives on the next street so I share your frustration, I don't step foot on that street, I pretend it floated off in the sky and lives on as a mythical floating street, it's hard and very anxiety producing living so close by, I admire you for your handling of the situation, I haven't seen my ex since she dumped me and gave me the silent treatment straight afterward, I don't know how I'd react, I'd probably break down and cry knowing I'd have to walk by like she was a stranger, your doing very well, unless she says she's sorry and wants to be together, you really don't have much of a choice but to stay away and heal, as far as I know when it comes to gigs, it's out of your hands and out of your control.

January 28, 2016

Thanks so much for all the advice! So as hard as it is i will continue to go no contact. Ive started journalling, so when ever i want to talk to her i just write in my journal. All my entries are addressed to her, so ill burn it at the end

ExpatInItaly, did your ex go nc after the break up or did he keep asking you to get back together? from what I've read, nc makes them realise a lot faster what they had and what they lost. I would be lying if i said i didn't want to reconcile with her but i also admit I'm in the sadness/grieving stage of the breakup which is always the hardest and you want to do everything you can to take the pain away. A part of me has come to accept that there is a good chance that we won't get back together, as much as i try to ignore it as it makes me feel devastated. And as a lot of threads have said, if they want you back, they will crawl over broken glass to do it. But she is extremely proud so i don't think that will happen anytime soon.

She is was/is also extremely high maintenance and was in constant need of all my attention. she got needy and jealous if i even looked at another girl. Unhealthy right?!! So I'm sure seeing me yesterday and me not reacting at all must have hurt her ego in some way. Im counting it as a win for me none the less! she has a lot of growing up to do.

As for living so close together, I'm sure it will get easier seeing her. Ive got to believe that because we walk the same road to college everyday, sit in the same library to study, eat in the same centre. i am going to see her. its a small university town so i must just get used to it. Im not going to limit myself because of a decision someone else made.

Once again thank you so much for all the advice, it makes life that much more bearable.

N

January 28, 2016

Thanks so much for all the advice! So as hard as it is i will continue to go no contact. Ive started journalling, so when ever i want to talk to her i just write in my journal. All my entries are addressed to her, so ill burn it at the end

ExpatInItaly, did your ex go nc after the break up or did he keep asking you to get back together? from what I've read, nc makes them realise a lot faster what they had and what they lost. I would be lying if i said i didn't want to reconcile with her but i also admit I'm in the sadness/grieving stage of the breakup which is always the hardest and you want to do everything you can to take the pain away. A part of me has come to accept that there is a good chance that we won't get back together, as much as i try to ignore it as it makes me feel devastated. And as a lot of threads have said, if they want you back, they will crawl over broken glass to do it. But she is extremely proud so i don't think that will happen anytime soon.

She is was/is also extremely high maintenance and was in constant need of all my attention. she got needy and jealous if i even looked at another girl. Unhealthy right?!! So I'm sure seeing me yesterday and me not reacting at all must have hurt her ego in some way. Im counting it as a win for me none the less! she has a lot of growing up to do.

As for living so close together, I'm sure it will get easier seeing her. Ive got to believe that because we walk the same road to college everyday, sit in the same library to study, eat in the same centre. i am going to see her. its a small university town so i must just get used to it. Im not going to limit myself because of a decision someone else made.

Once again thank you so much for all the advice, it makes life that much more bearable.

N

Not right away,no. He still called and wanted to see me, sent flowers, and so on. That went on for about 1.5 months after the break-up. But even if he had gone NC immediately, it wouldn't have changed the outcome because I no longer had those feelings for him. So going No Contact is useless as a way to get someone back if they're no longer interested.

I actually met someone else a couple months after breaking up with him, and when I told him I was dating another guy, he went No Contact. (I felt I needed to tell him because I knew he was still hoping to get back together, he was still calling, etc) I went on to stay with that "new" guy for longer than I was with my ex.

That ex is now married and has a family. I am in a happy relationship and live on a different continent now, and we haven't seen or spoken to each other in about 10 or 11 years. My point in telling you this is to demonstrate that you will get past this. It's not to say she definitely won't come back, but some relationships just aren't meant to last a lifetime.

January 31, 2016

Thanks so much for the advice ExpatInItaly. I will be ok as you said but its just hard at the moment. I had a really bad day today but a good day yesterday. Thats how it goes i guess.

What should i do when i see my ex then? Just blank her or say hi? Seems a bit immature just to blank her but maybe thats the only way. Its easy not to respond to a text but seeing the person is more difficult.

Thanks again for all the advice.

January 31, 2016

Thanks so much for the advice ExpatInItaly. I will be ok as you said but its just hard at the moment. I had a really bad day today but a good day yesterday. Thats how it goes i guess.

What should i do when i see my ex then? Just blank her or say hi? Seems a bit immature just to blank her but maybe thats the only way. Its easy not to respond to a text but seeing the person is more difficult.

Thanks again for all the advice.

Just say hello and carry on your way.

After I broke up with my ex, I ran into him at a pub while I was out with my new boyfriend. Not wanting to be a total jackarse, I made the introductions between my ex and my new guy, but my ex then proceeded to try to sit down with us and have friendly conversation. It was so awkward and I made an excuse for my new guy and I to leave. Had we just said hello, the whole situation would have been less weird. That was actually the last time I spoke to him.

February 5, 2016

Thanks so much for the wise words!! So this last week has been tough being nc. I walked past her on Wednesday and just said hi. Each day does get easier it's just in the mornings which are terrible. So out of the blue today I get this text, "Hey. Hope you're well I was wondering, and you obviously say no, but if you'd like to get together for a coffee or dinner or something. Just would like to chat to you. But totally up to you x" which I just ignore. Then about 30 minutes later I get, "". Breadcrumbs?? What should I do?

Thanks!!

February 5, 2016

You should let your silence speak volumes.

Why the hell would you want to be friends with someone who treated you like that? Do you really want to sit at a dinner table in awkward silence staring at a menu while she gives you a list of reasons the relationship failed, most likely making it all your fault, before going on to tell you how great this new guy she's dating is and how she wants you to be happy for her?

That doesn't sound like my idea of a good night out. No, do not reply, do not do coffee, do not do dinner. BLANK her.

February 5, 2016

If you say anything, a simple "No, thank you" will say everything you need. I would advise not responding at all.

She's trying to feel less guilty. I've done it (when I was young and stupid) and had it done to me. It's not about reconciliation.

February 6, 2016

Thanks guys! So I'm just going to blank her. I'm not in a position yet where I can act indifferent to her and it will only be unpleasant. So best thing to do is ignore! Thanks for all the amazing advice! I'll post any further updates I get

February 8, 2016

Hi Guys,

So i had a good weekend with family and friends in a different city over the weekend which was great because i was thinking about the message my ex sent. Anyway i saw her today as i was walking to town she walked right in front of me and blanked me. Thats fine it didn't bug me which was great. My goal is indifference. And tonight i just got back from the library, where my ex was and we were sitting pretty close together. When i got there and saw her sitting close to where my friends were sitting i had two choices, either i could walk away or i could hold my head up high and act indifferent towards her which i did. She was clearly trying to get my attention, looking at me and walking up and down in front of where i was sitting. I assume she wanted me to talk to her, well she has is very much mistaken! Just thought id vent

Thanks again guys!

February 9, 2016

So this situation is getting more ridiculous by the day. I go to the library this evening to work. I go early and get a seat and alls cool. My ex and her friend arrive and decide to sit right behind me! I mean common! Sit anywhere else why right behind me! Any advice?? I need to go to the library to work I have no choice. What should I do?

February 9, 2016

Sorry to keep posting, but my ex just messaged me wanting to meet up and she said she really regrets her decision. She said that we dated for over 4 years and it seems like I've moved on completely and she's destroyed. What goes around comes around! Anyway it's amazing how much better you feel when you know the other person is also going through the breakup. Horrible to say I know. Anyway I know this is when I need to be the strongest.

February 9, 2016

Another update: my ex messaged me wanting to meet for coffee/dinner AGAIN. I asked her what she wanted to chat about. She said us. She said she regrets her decision badly. She said she can't understand how we can have dated for over 4 years and that I seem to be completely over her and that she's destroyed. What goes around comes around! I'm assuming she is just in the needing an ego boost stage where she wants to know that I still want her, and it's obviously killing her to see that I'm moving on. My problem is I hate hurting people. I know I need to be selfish and this is the time I need to be the strongest but it's extremely difficult. I know if we get back together she will just pull the same **** later on. Anyway I was firm and said we couldn't be friends or anything. Hard to communicate all this over text. I feel much stronger now then I did two weeks ago and I'm sure that's partly due to the fact that I know she's suffering. What I find amazing is some of the threads on here that describe what dumpers go through very accurate and described my ex's stages very accurately. They are actually the only things that go me through the tough times. Anyway, I'm just venting

February 12, 2016

So she messaged me again asking to meet. Against my better judgement I agreed to see her. I was strong and confident and I could see she was very upset when we met. She began by telling me all the things she regretted not doing during our relationship and then begged me to take her back. I said we can't go back to the way it was and she started crying. I eventually said I would think about it but so much has happened. I told her had gigs and she agreed with me once she read the symptoms and said it described her situation perfectly. I still love her dearly and a my heart wants to agree to getting back together but my logical brain says no way!! She caused so much pain and hurt but I had gigs once so I do know what she is going through which is again me being too caring. And two months is very short for gigs. Anyway once again thanks guy. Loveshack is the only way that I managed to get through to this point and be so strong. And no contact is the only way.

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