Are his excuses legitimate or is he just losing interest?

[PacificPlain]

I've been interested in this guy for about a month. At the beginning of the month, we kissed. I kind of figured it was a one time, drunk on New Years thing. And then it happened again, sober. And again. And again. And so forth.

Initially, I saw him a lot kind of by chance--that first week alone I saw him several times. And we started texting every day. Pretty much like clockwork, I could expect to hear from him every day.

 

A couple weeks ago, he got sick. I know it's flu season and it's been going around, but after that, I haven't seen him...literally at all. I've invited him to something twice (without giving out too much info, it's a recurring thing every week one night a week), and he's been "too sick to go" both times. The first time I believed. The second time, I felt suspicious.

At the same time, in the last week, the texting as eased off. It's gone from every single day, to every other day.

 

And there's other little things that make me go "huh???" Example: weekend before last, we found out we were both going to the same festival, and he told me 'I'd say you should hang out with my friends and I, but with these friends it wouldn't be a good idea'. So naturally I felt like kind of strange, but then he called the next day and explained these were his "rough" friends, and he ended up not going to the festival at all (I went though and had my own great time).

But then he calls me last week from the pharmacy (after I've made a joke about a drug I needed), trying to find out the precise details because he's seriously trying to get it for me while he's there--oh and he's at the pharmacy because he's picking up his own meds for STILL being really sick.

 

He plays a sport (that I previously had never seen) in a league, and invited me to his first few games earlier this month. But then this past weekend...even though we were texting an hour before the game time would be (I have some dumb like a fox tendencies), NO INVITE. Afterwards, like immediately afterwards, he announced to me 'just played a whole game sick'. When I said thanks for the invite sarcastically, his response was 'well I didn't invite you because I was afraid it wasn't going to go very well, and I was going to play badly'.

 

So I'm on the fence of...are his excuses legitimate, or is he just losing interest? And I need opinions.

 

We're both on (insert your favorite dating app here), so it's not like I don't think he could be seeing other women. But I do have a really good time with him every time I'm with him, I actually ENJOY talking to him, he makes me laugh and we get along really really really well--the personality chemistry is great. Better than with any other man I've met in a really long time.

I'm in my mid 20s and he's in his mid 30s.

 

I'm very suspicious by nature (just kidding, men of my own age demographic helped me cultivate it!), so I expect any time something like this happens, the guy is just losing interest and fading out. So I need more unbiased opinions--Just wondering if it sounds like he's legitimately been sick and unavailable, or if this is a man classically slowly losing interest?

Edited January 27, 2016 by PacificPlain

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter if they are legitimate excuses or not.....you are not having your expectations being fulfilled. You want better you move on and find someone who does....it's that simple.

 

Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.

[Redhead14]

I've been interested in this guy for about a month. At the beginning of the month, we kissed. I kind of figured it was a one time, drunk on New Years thing. And then it happened again, sober. And again. And again. And so forth.

Initially, I saw him a lot kind of by chance--that first week alone I saw him several times. And we started texting every day. Pretty much like clockwork, I could expect to hear from him every day.

 

A couple weeks ago, he got sick. I know it's flu season and it's been going around, but after that, I haven't seen him...literally at all. I've invited him to something twice (without giving out too much info, it's a recurring thing every week one night a week), and he's been "too sick to go" both times. The first time I believed. The second time, I felt suspicious.

At the same time, in the last week, the texting as eased off. It's gone from every single day, to every other day.

 

And there's other little things that make me go "huh???" Example: weekend before last, we found out we were both going to the same festival, and he told me 'I'd say you should hang out with my friends and I, but with these friends it wouldn't be a good idea'. So naturally I felt like kind of strange, but then he called the next day and explained these were his "rough" friends, and he ended up not going to the festival at all (I went though and had my own great time).

But then he calls me last week from the pharmacy (after I've made a joke about a drug I needed), trying to find out the precise details because he's seriously trying to get it for me while he's there--oh and he's at the pharmacy because he's picking up his own meds for STILL being really sick.

 

He plays a sport (that I previously had never seen) in a league, and invited me to his first few games earlier this month. But then this past weekend...even though we were texting an hour before the game time would be (I have some dumb like a fox tendencies), NO INVITE. Afterwards, like immediately afterwards, he announced to me 'just played a whole game sick'. When I said thanks for the invite sarcastically, his response was 'well I didn't invite you because I was afraid it wasn't going to go very well, and I was going to play badly'.

 

So I'm on the fence of...are his excuses legitimate, or is he just losing interest? And I need opinions.

 

We're both on (insert your favorite dating app here), so it's not like I don't think he could be seeing other women. But I do have a really good time with him every time I'm with him, I actually ENJOY talking to him, he makes me laugh and we get along really really really well--the personality chemistry is great. Better than with any other man I've met in a really long time.

I'm in my mid 20s and he's in his mid 30s.

 

I'm very suspicious by nature (just kidding, men of my own age demographic helped me cultivate it!), so I expect any time something like this happens, the guy is just losing interest and fading out. So I need more unbiased opinions--Just wondering if it sounds like he's legitimately been sick and unavailable, or if this is a man classically slowly losing interest?

 

Just wondering if it sounds like he's legitimately been sick and unavailable, or if this is a man classically slowly losing interest? -- It doesn't matter. Sick back and observe. Let him come to you if he is going to. Sit on your hands and wait it out. Don't let you insecurity get the best of you and reach out to him first at all. Just let it play out.

 

Make plans, go out with friends, etc. Focus on you and your own life. If he wants to be part of it, you can decide whether to fit him in or not.

[Erik30]

There might be another girl, so maybe that's why he seems to have lost interest.

He basically said that he didn't want to see you at that festival you're both going to, but blamed it on his friends.

If he was really interested, he would be more available and suggest dates.

[truth_seeker]

1) He sounds like an idiot jock.

2) Is he in a rugby league? Those guys can be womanizers.

[fitnessfan365]

It doesn't matter if they are legitimate excuses or not.....you are not having your expectations being fulfilled. You want better you move on and find someone who does....it's that simple.

 

Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.

 

That's the thing though. This is a guy she's known less than a month who she's not in a relationship with. So she shouldn't really have any expectations yet IMO. I mean it's great the sex has been good a handful of times, they get along well, started texting more, etc.. But it's WAY too soon to be questioning motivates and interest level yet.

 

For what it's worth, my advice would be to relax a bit OP and try to be a bit more realistic in terms of how long you've known the guy. It hasn't been that long at all and you aren't in a relationship. If you're still seeing the guy a few months from now and he keeps acting "sick", then that's a different story. But if he is legitimately sick, that can take 2-3 weeks to fully get over which is almost as long as you've known him..LOL So chill out a bit.

[PacificPlain]

He texted me yesterday and excitedly told me he finally is on antibiotics (I'm happy for him). So the sickness is legitimate.

 

 

2. It's not rugby.

 

 

I would fully expect him to be seeing multiple women, just as I would expect myself to go on dates with other men (if I actually met any I found interesting). We're just hanging out. I'm not setting expectations. It likely won't turn into anything.

 

I'm just wondering if his recent behaviors indicate someone who's losing interest.

[truth_seeker]

He texted me yesterday and excitedly told me he finally is on antibiotics (I'm happy for him). So the sickness is legitimate.

 

 

2. It's not rugby.

 

 

I would fully expect him to be seeing multiple women, just as I would expect myself to go on dates with other men (if I actually met any I found interesting). We're just hanging out. I'm not setting expectations. It likely won't turn into anything.

 

I'm just wondering if his recent behaviors indicate someone who's losing interest.

 

You're sleeping with this guy and pass it off as hanging out that won't go anywhere?

Edited January 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and decency

[Redhead14]

I'm just wondering if his recent behaviors indicate someone who's losing interest. - If you sit back, it will become clear in due time. And, what would you do if we said yes, he's definitely losing interest? What will you do with that information -- will you leave it alone or will you start doing things to try to pull him back in?

 

Bottomline, if you really want to know what's going on for sure, let him show you.

[PacificPlain]

?

You're sleeping with this guy and pass it off as hanging out that won't go anywhere?

 

I'm not sleeping with the guy. I've never SAID I'm sleeping with the guy! Fitness inferred that. I definitely wouldn't sleep with someone at this point in the game.

Edited January 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

That's the thing though. This is a guy she's known less than a month who she's not in a relationship with. So she shouldn't really have any expectations yet IMO. I mean it's great the sex has been good a handful of times, they get along well, started texting more, etc.. But it's WAY too soon to be questioning motivates and interest level yet.

 

For what it's worth, my advice would be to relax a bit OP and try to be a bit more realistic in terms of how long you've known the guy. It hasn't been that long at all and you aren't in a relationship. If you're still seeing the guy a few months from now and he keeps acting "sick", then that's a different story. But if he is legitimately sick, that can take 2-3 weeks to fully get over which is almost as long as you've known him..LOL So chill out a bit.

Everyones expectations and dating styles are different. I dated someone who was like this...after about a month I just simply dumped him because MY expectations were not being fulfilled. He's not a jerk or a bad person BUT if she wants more communication, wants to see him more or have him show more interest, she is with the wrong guy. WHY should she change her expectations for him?

[truth_seeker]

I'm not sleeping with the guy. I've never SAID I'm sleeping with the guy! Fitness inferred that. I definitely wouldn't sleep with someone at this point in the game.

 

My apologies.

[Grewd]

I would like to think he'd make more of an effort trying to see you. I mean if I was him I'd get that you're attempting and wanting to see me, if I was interested I would probably assist in making that happen.

 

That response after the game sounds like an excuse. Mostly because it's weird he's not too sick to play sports, but too sick to simply be with you. It doesn't make sense, it takes much less effort just being in anyone's presence than to play sports.

 

I remember when my girlfriend got sick before she was my girlfriend, she still wanted to see me (of course if I didn't have a problem with her being sick). Same when I got sick (from being around her when she was sick, lol couldn't resist), I really wanted to see her and did my part in making it happen.

[katiegrl]

That response after the game sounds like an excuse. Mostly because it's weird he's not too sick to play sports, but too sick to simply be with you. It doesn't make sense, it takes much less effort just being in anyone's presence than to play sports.

 

I remember when my girlfriend got sick before she was my girlfriend, she still wanted to see me (of course if I didn't have a problem with her being sick). Same when I got sick (from being around her when she was sick, lol couldn't resist), I really wanted to see her and did my part in making it happen.

 

When I first started dating my ex (we recently broke up after six years-- long story) -- HE really wanted to see me, and I was sick with a super bad cold.

 

He did not care, he STILL wanted to see me (and I him), so he came over. We had a great time (as we always did).... and about three days later HE got sick with the cold I had.

 

He STILL didn't care!

 

That's how it goes down when two people are super into each other.

 

OP, he sounds meh. If that's good enough for you, carry on. It wouldn't be for me though.... but I'm not dating him you are, so your call.

 

Good luck, hope it works out!

[Grewd]

Not saying it's a good idea to consciously subject oneself to getting sick, but I did feel it was worth it. Just a small disclaimer, it's entirely understandable if someone doesn't want to do that and I believe it should be respected. Wouldn't be a dealbreaker as long as we found the time afterwards.

[fitnessfan365]

I kind of figured it was a one time, drunk on New Years thing. And then it happened again, sober. And again. And again. And so forth.

 

This comes off like you started having sex.

 

But the fact that you aren't, makes it even more confusing to me as to why you're so wrapped up after three weeks. As I said, it's awesome that you like the guy, get along well, have good chemistry, increased texting, etc.. However, isn't it really early on to be developing expectations of the guy?

 

I know some people will feel differently. But I've always associated expectations with the amount of time you're seeing someone. Less than a month is still in the casual, shouldn't expect anything, and enjoying what happens phase IMO. So if a guy you've barely known for less than a month doesn't invite you to a game, it shouldn't rattle your cage is all I am saying. He isn't your BF yet or even exlcusive with you.

[PacificPlain]

That response after the game sounds like an excuse. Mostly because it's weird he's not too sick to play sports, but too sick to simply be with you. It doesn't make sense, it takes much less effort just being in anyone's presence than to play sports.

 

That's what I felt like too. Except he followed it up with "I shouldn't have played. If I had the contacts phone number, I would have cancelled." He has told me before they unless he is deathly ill, he WILL still play. But both of the other games he's told me "oh my game is at 5, if you're still planning to go."

[Grewd]

Could be he was spotting how bad of an excuse it was and then trying to save it. This is just speculation though, take it as such. Still this entire thing sounds dodgy, but maybe only time will tell.

[hippychick3]

Within the first month I started dating my boyfriend, he texted me on a Friday afternoon that he was feeling really sick. It was a weekend we were supposed to spend together, so I was disappointed as I expected he was canceling on me. My suspicious self (and I admit, a little insecure self) also assumed he was making it up to get out of seeing me. So when he told me that, I said I hoped he felt better and I was sorry we wouldn't be able to get together. His response? "What?? Why not? I thought you would come over and take care of me and stay with me." I brought him soup, and we had the best weekend cuddled up on the couch (after he insisted I take some airborne stuff and vitamin c so I wouldn't catch it from him).

 

Most men like to be taken care of and babied (which does get annoying after awhile. Lol) when they're sick IF it's from someone they're really into.

 

He's not into you enough especially given the fact he's on a dating site and hasn't been asking you out on legitimate dates.

 

Pull way back and stop initiating any contact. If he's interested, he will contact you. Carry on with your life and detach yourself from someone who isn't attached to you right now.

[PacificPlain]

Within the first month I started dating my boyfriend, he texted me on a Friday afternoon that he was feeling really sick. It was a weekend we were supposed to spend together, so I was disappointed as I expected he was canceling on me. My suspicious self (and I admit, a little insecure self) also assumed he was making it up to get out of seeing me. So when he told me that, I said I hoped he felt better and I was sorry we wouldn't be able to get together. His response? "What?? Why not? I thought you would come over and take care of me and stay with me." I brought him soup, and we had the best weekend cuddled up on the couch (after he insisted I take some airborne stuff and vitamin c so I wouldn't catch it from him).

 

Most men like to be taken care of and babied (which does get annoying after awhile. Lol) when they're sick IF it's from someone they're really into.

 

He's not into you enough especially given the fact he's on a dating site and hasn't been asking you out on legitimate dates.

 

Pull way back and stop initiating any contact. If he's interested, he will contact you. Carry on with your life and detach yourself from someone who isn't attached to you right now.

 

Very true. Also, I'm not initiating contact. It's still at that point where he needs to reach out to me first.

I have brought him food once during his illness (right at the beginning, long story, at his request), but that's been the extent of our in person contact while he's been ill

[PacificPlain]

Oh, and tonight is the weekly event I've invited him to the last two weeks. I don't feel like being told no again, so I'm not saying anything.

[Versacehottie]

Lots of good advice on your thread. When I read your OP, to me, he seems into you. Especially for how long it's been. There's was nothing I noticed that sounds like you should be worried. Just relax and go with the flow. Worrying about it won't change the outcome for the better, only the worse. Have your own standards in place and just move on if he's not meeting them. So far it sounds reasonable to you (and to me as an neutral and reasonable outside observer).

 

I also wanted to add: I have the sickness that is going around California at least and it's pretty killer. Wiping me out, no energy. If your guy is like some people, in new stages of dating, I can understand why he wouldn't be as available. He also probably doesn't want to get you sick! Kinda embarrassing to be hacking up a lung and sniffling the whole time he was on a date with you--so totally understandable that he would wait until he is getting better. Even if he could muster up the energy due to his excitement to see you, maybe he just doesn't want to when he's not at his best for fear of turning you off or not being at his best for you.

 

I know some guys (and girls) can like the attention and pampering while they are sick. He may just not feel that close or open about that yet or be that type of person in general. It can feel like a serious bf/gf to hang out when one is sick. I know we are giving you analysis and possibilities but I don't think you need to get the bottom of it. Take him at his word, pull back just as a result of giving him space to get well and let him pursue again when he's up to it. That's what a girl with expectations that are in line and her own life would do, which will convey a good message to him that you care about yourself. It sounds like you do anyway, if I was interpreting the tone of your posts correctly. Good luck

[PacificPlain]

Lots of good advice on your thread. When I read your OP, to me, he seems into you. Especially for how long it's been. There's was nothing I noticed that sounds like you should be worried. Just relax and go with the flow. Worrying about it won't change the outcome for the better, only the worse. Have your own standards in place and just move on if he's not meeting them. So far it sounds reasonable to you (and to me as an neutral and reasonable outside observer).

 

I also wanted to add: I have the sickness that is going around California at least and it's pretty killer. Wiping me out, no energy. If your guy is like some people, in new stages of dating, I can understand why he wouldn't be as available. He also probably doesn't want to get you sick! Kinda embarrassing to be hacking up a lung and sniffling the whole time he was on a date with you--so totally understandable that he would wait until he is getting better. Even if he could muster up the energy due to his excitement to see you, maybe he just doesn't want to when he's not at his best for fear of turning you off or not being at his best for you.

 

I know some guys (and girls) can like the attention and pampering while they are sick. He may just not feel that close or open about that yet or be that type of person in general. It can feel like a serious bf/gf to hang out when one is sick. I know we are giving you analysis and possibilities but I don't think you need to get the bottom of it. Take him at his word, pull back just as a result of giving him space to get well and let him pursue again when he's up to it. That's what a girl with expectations that are in line and her own life would do, which will convey a good message to him that you care about yourself. It sounds like you do anyway, if I was interpreting the tone of your posts correctly. Good luck

 

Thanks Versace. And I appreciate the great advice I've received in this thread for sure.

 

Today, hasn't been my day. I woke up with a zit the size of a small house on my face, raced out the door with no makeup and hair that I barely brushed. And then...I go to lunch...and guess who I run into at the cafe I stopped at? Yes. So we sat together and I was extremely awkward because 1. I've kind of missed him 2. I don't want him to KNOW I've missed seeing him. And I didn't really want him to see me with the giant zit on my face. So it was awkward.

[GemmaUK]

I did skim read admittedly but how many 'dates' has he asked you out on?

 

If he hasn't asked you out on dates then I would guess he is up for a kiss now and then and some texts, maybe some sex if you are both agreeable?

I doesn't sound like more than that to me.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks Versace. And I appreciate the great advice I've received in this thread for sure.

 

Today, hasn't been my day. I woke up with a zit the size of a small house on my face, raced out the door with no makeup and hair that I barely brushed. And then...I go to lunch...and guess who I run into at the cafe I stopped at? Yes. So we sat together and I was extremely awkward because 1. I've kind of missed him 2. I don't want him to KNOW I've missed seeing him. And I didn't really want him to see me with the giant zit on my face. So it was awkward.

 

Thank you. Well yeah, now you can imagine how he might have felt with a runny nose, etc. Don't worry though. All this awkwardness at the beginning can be part of the nerves and add to the excitement. I think if it fits your personality, you can make a joke about it. I think it shows confidence which outweighs the awkwardness (and explains it too) when you call yourself out for stuff--in supremely confident and self-deprecating way. I have done and always better than acting awkward/insecure and shying away from things. Plus you typically get closer from things like that. Good guys usually like a girl who is genuine and real and who by nature of being herself, they feel like they can be themselves with. You can say it next day or so with pretty much the same effect.