Jax13 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) My ex and I had been in no contact for about 3-4 weeks and I still cared about her and thought about her all the time. I had heard she was with someone else and that it was getting pretty serious (hardcore rebound) from a friend of a friend. My ex suddenly texts me right around the 4 week mark and we started some friendly conversation. I was mentioning the different things I had been doing in NC and she was quite intrigued. After a couple days of this conversation, she eventually broke down and told me that this guy was nothing but a rebound, there's nothing there, and over the last weeks when we've been in NC, she has constantly thought of me, and wished we could give it another try. She came flat out and said she was sorry for what she was doing, and that she wanted to work on things with me because I am the one guy who truly understands her. I said that I would like to give it a try, but she needs to first get rid of this other guy for me to entertain getting back together. She said that she knows, and will do it after she gets back from holidays with her family, they were leaving the next day for a week. We texted and sent pictures back and forth the entire time she was on vacation. She told me she had heart to heart conversations with her parents and that her and her family were so happy we were talking again and wanted to work things out. The day after she came back, she called me up and I went to meet her in person. Again we talked about how much we are perfect for eachother, how I understand her, etc.... And that she still needs to get rid of this guy but it's hard because he essentially thinks they are married. I again tell her that needs to happen before we can start working on things. She agrees again. It has been 1 week since that conversation and she still hasn't broken up with him to try to work on things with me... She keeps telling me that she needs to do it but is worried she'll crush him. She also is scared because he shows her attention and affection and if she leaves him, she's throwing that away. I know for a fact that they have hung out a couple times during this past week and she still hasn't broken up with him. What is going on???? What is she waiting for??? I know that if I ever decided I needed to end things with someone, I wouldn't drag it on for any longer than a day because it would just eat me up inside. Looking for some guidance here... I am considering dropping off the face of her world and going NC again. The last time I talked to her was Monday and she said that she had talked to a friend who was going to keep her focused on breaking up with this guy. It is a mutual friend of mine and I know this girl doesn't think to highly of this new guy either. Monday is also when she told me that she's scared to break up with him because he thinks they are married and he'll be absolutely devastated. I asked her if this changed how she felt about me or changed wanting to work things out with me and her response was "Absolutely not! nothing has changed! that is why I'm telling you all this". She again said she needs to do this soon. But then she goes and sees him the next day and doesn't break up with him. It is almost exactly like a drug addiction...where he is the drug. She knows what she needs to do when she's away from him but the second she is around him, he makes her feel good and she doesn't break up with him. That's pretty much the definition of a toxic relationship right? Edited January 27, 2016 by Jax13
Brando Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 When I left a long term relationship for another girl I did very similar things as your ex is doing. Truth was I was really happy with the new person, but I didn't want to let my ex go. I would tell her maybe we can work it out and that I missed her. We would talk a lot, but in my heart I knew I didn't want to take her back. Reflecting I did love the girl I left, just not enough to go back. The only reason I kept dragging her along was because of my ego (I couldn't stand the thought of losing her completely), but didn't really want to be with her. I'm not saying this is your situation, but it certainly could be. If I was you I would be direct "hey, I am not interested in being friends, I want you as my girl and I want to work this out and build something that will last, if you are willing to do this please, let me know and if by time you make your decision I am still available and willing we can start then. If this is not what you want, please respect me and do not contact me again." BOOM. You've said your part, and now you disappear off the face off the earth and consider it a lost cause, begin healing and maybe she will come around. Then again, maybe not, so start the proper healing process!!! 1
Author Jax13 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 If I was you I would be direct "hey, I am not interested in being friends, I want you as my girl and I want to work this out and build something that will last, if you are willing to do this please, let me know and if by time you make your decision I am still available and willing we can start then. If this is not what you want, please respect me and do not contact me again." Funny thing is that I actually said almost this exact thing to her just over a week ago. I told her that I do not see her as just a friend and that I really couldn't be her "friend" if she had someone else. I then asked her if she'd be ok being friends with me if I had someone else and she said she couldn't because she wants me. Right after this I asked her if she wanted to work on our relationship and be with me and she said Yes without hesitation. She says that and everyday after that talk, she says she needs to get rid of him but can't seem to do it on her own. I'm so confused on what to believe... her words, or her actions (or lack of action at all).
PegNosePete Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 It has been 1 week since that conversation and she still hasn't broken up with him There is a phrase which totally sums her up. All mouth and no trousers. Her words say she wants to get back with you but her actions say she is happy to stay with the new guy. Tell her you are not interested in being her bit on the side, and that if she wants to get back with you she needs to get rid of him first. Then tell her that you will not be communicating with her again until she is single. Then say goodbye. Then comes the difficult bit: stick to it!
Author Jax13 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 There is a phrase which totally sums her up. All mouth and no trousers. Her words say she wants to get back with you but her actions say she is happy to stay with the new guy. Tell her you are not interested in being her bit on the side, and that if she wants to get back with you she needs to get rid of him first. Then tell her that you will not be communicating with her again until she is single. Then say goodbye. Then comes the difficult bit: stick to it! I have told her that I am not a second option. To which she replied "The other guy isn't even an option and I know that...I'm being selfish because he makes me feel good about myself and I have a hard time giving that up. I can't stay with him because long term it would never work out. We are too different and want very different things out of life". She knows that her and I both have the same goals and values in life.
PegNosePete Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 So, stop acting like a second option. And don't accept her treating him like a first option. Tell her that you're sick of waiting. Tell her that she leaves him today, or she loses you forever.
Toodaloo Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Jax I know everyone is saying don't speak to her until she is single but you know what... I think you are yesterdays news for her. Don't be a chewed up old newspaper. Move on and don't contact her again. She only wants to feed off of you because you are getting on and living your life. How about you get on, live and get together with a girl who supports your dreams and desires... 2
Chi townD Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Stop letting her play these games with you. Fact of the matter is, you are giving her the emotional needs that she wants and he's filling all her other needs (including physically). She's got the best of both worlds right now. I call BS on her reasoning. She hasn't broken up with him because it will devastate him? But, she had NO PROBLEM kicking YOU to the curb. She didn't care about your devastation! Dude, she doesn't know what she wants. Time for you to go back into NC. Because you're slowing killing yourself KNOWING that at certain times, she's spending time with him. Just let this one go and start back into NC. Start making positive changes to your life. 1
Author Jax13 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 I know her reasoning is flawed majorly... I just don't understand how she can tell me that she wants to work things out and that I understand her better than anyone and she wants to be with me. She also has talked about us hanging out, going on trips together, getting Netflix together as recently as 2 days ago... I just don't understand how she can keep saying all this stuff and having those thoughts, then going to see him! I have talked to our mutual friends who have been friends with both of us for a lifetime and they say it doesn't make sense either. They agree it's like an addiction to his attention. She knows it's bad, tells that to everyone, but yet still sees him and doesn't do anything to end it.
Brando Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I know her reasoning is flawed majorly... I just don't understand how she can tell me that she wants to work things out and that I understand her better than anyone and she wants to be with me. She also has talked about us hanging out, going on trips together, getting Netflix together as recently as 2 days ago... I just don't understand how she can keep saying all this stuff and having those thoughts, then going to see him! I have talked to our mutual friends who have been friends with both of us for a lifetime and they say it doesn't make sense either. They agree it's like an addiction to his attention. She knows it's bad, tells that to everyone, but yet still sees him and doesn't do anything to end it. Sorry man. That really sucks. I suggest the same thing I did before. Make one last demand. "Don't contact me again unless you want to work this out and commit 100%" Then walk away! Truly, really move on. Let it go completely. Plan on never talking to her again. Start moving on with your life. If she reaches out it had better be to tell you she's lost the guy and is ready to commit! Otherwise she is really disrespecting you and your healing process. Honestly, rebound or not. I would never pick a girl who went off with another guy. Kick rocks woman.....I'm out. There's plenty of them and plenty of them who will be SURE you're the man they want.
Chi townD Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Dude, talk is cheap. She can tell you ANYTHING. But, it's just words. Her actions should tell you otherwise. She can talk to you about the future until the cows come home. But, after she talks to you about this fairytale life she wants with you; leaves your place and then goes to his place and into his bed, how much water do those words have? Her actions are speaking louder than her words.
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 She knows it's bad, tells that to everyone, but yet still sees him and doesn't do anything to end it. So did you tell her to end it today, or lose you forever? Guessing not, from your passive doormat attitude.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 You're her emotional tampon right now because you don't have the backbone not to be. No more talking, no more hanging out, it's time to detach completely. She's using you because you have established little to no value.
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