remorseful_tab Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) This question was asked by husband to many a times. And everytime I answered it the same way, just changing the language. The question is "Why do you want to be intimate with me when I reject you so much?" And the answers that I always gave was basically "Because I love you and I want you. I feel closer to you when we are together. I don't want to ever feel like I am going away from you ever again. So I try even when you don't want me." Sunday he came by to the house (because of son). We were talking. And he again asked this question. But this time while answering I took a few moments to think. Because clearly my previous answers were not enough for him. And its true that I did not tell him the whole truth. The real reason that I tried so much was because I was overcompensating for my affair and I feel a desperation when he rejected. The attraction of him or love for him is part of the reason and the other part was to give him what I took away from him. This I never said because I was always afraid that he would think I was giving him pity sex. But now since we are divorcing why not tell him the truth? And my answer was: "I was overcompensating for my affair. I didn't want to waste your youth because of my bad decisions. Since you were not leaving me, it was my duty to give you as much sex as I could. And the fact that I am so terribly attracted to you, it made it easier" He then admitted withholding intimacy was his way of empowering himself and to show me he didn't need me. (I already knew that in my mind) He never wanted to hurt me but he didn't want to come off as someone who was all dependent on his wife. And he wanted me to feel a fraction of what rejection he felt from me (I knew that too). And (this is the most upsetting part) he only initiated when he felt that he had to reciprocate something to keep the intimacy going After that HE MADE A MOVE ON ME. And I don't have to tell anyone how weak I felt. We had sex P.S. - Husband know I have slept with 2 men multiple time since we separated. So no, I am not lying to him again. Edited January 27, 2016 by remorseful_tab 2
Author remorseful_tab Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 No we are not back together.
TX-SC Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 The correct answeris ALWAYS the truth. If it is truly what you feel and believe, then it is the correct answer. So, you guys are seeing other people and are not a couple? Can you recap where you guys are relationship wise right now?
Author remorseful_tab Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 No where relationship wise. I consider it as another ONS that I enjoyed. No more than that. I have had too many false dawns to make this something into more than it is. My husband has not said anything about dating exclusively neither has he mentioned anything about stopping the divorce process (it will still take a long while to complete). So unless he first approaches me with any kind of idea about us dating or not divorcing, this will be a one-time thing. 1
dichotomy Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ― Oscar Wilde 3
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 My wife went through something similar, although it was during her affair rather than after. During her affair, our frequency increased from about once every month or two to twice a week. Frankly, the increase in sex went a long way towards me suspecting nothing. I actually thought we had turned a corner of sorts and that my patience over a lack of frequency had finally paid off with a change in her drive (I suspected it was hormonal). The reality (if her words are to be believed) is that she increased the frequency of sex at home with me because she didn't feel it was fair to deprive me of a sex life while she was getting hers elsewhere. I guess she felt that if she was getting laid routinely, then I deserved the same. Anyway, if you have any desire to reconnect with your husband then I think that straight honesty goes the longest way. If you are able to share with him even the most difficult truths, then he won't be so wary of lies. He'll feel he can trust you and that it's ok to be somewhat vulnerable around you again.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 No where relationship wise. I consider it as another ONS that I enjoyed. No more than that. I have had too many false dawns to make this something into more than it is. My husband has not said anything about dating exclusively neither has he mentioned anything about stopping the divorce process (it will still take a long while to complete). So unless he first approaches me with any kind of idea about us dating or not divorcing, this will be a one-time thing. Don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing considering the honesty and "cards on the table" aspect you're both bringing. However, much potential for you to be hurt. Have you considered his current "love 'em and leave 'em" approach is a way to continue to punish you for the affair? Doesn't mean you have to participate... Mr. Lucky
Anto_80 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I agree with the others. Honesty is a good thing for the both of you if it makes you civil with each other. I mean, you two have a child who you need to raise together. Obviously, your husband also denied you so many times because of the triggers and images of you with the OM. Aside from the emotional damage, an affair completely destroys our sexual esteem and masculinity. Did you tell your husband that he was the best sex partner you ever had? Is that truly the case? I think your husband wondered that many times. I truly hope the two of you will have at least a friendly relationship. Time will heal!!!
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 The truth and honesty always matters. Good for you
understand50 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 remorseful_tab, You did fine. Your answer was honest, and in some way will help both of you. Maybe this will be a first step, but I am glad you are not seeing any false hope. As always I wish you well.
Just a Guy Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) Lady, I don't get it. On the one hand you profess that you still love your husband, are attracted to him and do not ever want to leave him. I take it that that is a truthful statement on your part even though it may not be the complete answer. The second answer that you gave your husband was an extention of your first answer which then completes your reason for wanting to be intimate with him. The other thing is that you are still not divorced from your husband and as far as any body is concerned there is a fifty per cent chance that the two of you might get back together. You come across as someone who would be very happy to get a second chance at getting back with your husband if he were to only give it to you. Yet inspite of everything you have admitted to sleeping with two different men multiple times since you've been separated from your husband and that fact is known to your husband. I think you have been giving out two different messages to your husband, one being that you love him, are attracted to him and do not want to separate from him and the other is that you care two hoots about him, are prepared to sleep around and just treat him like an FB. I guess you know where that road is going to lead. While I commend you for trying to be as honest as you can, I think you yourself are confused as to what you really want. To give you an example, a case similar to yours was that of Loving DKT3 and her husband. Once she was caught in her affair she exerted every fibre in her body to get back with her husband and remained celibate throughout even though he divorced her and she was heartbroken. Yet she persevered and they finally did get back together. That could have been the path your life took too, if only you were not confused as to what you really wanted. So while your answer to ypur husband may have been correct you have lost out on the chance to get back with him barring a miracle. Warm wishes to you. Edited January 28, 2016 by Just a Guy 1
jnel921 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 it's an honest answer that I personally don't care for, however it is up to you BH to decide how he handles that. A lot of times it's the ego that makes someone submit to all of the sex. Meanwhile there is nothing about it that will lead to any improvement or reconciliation. It's to prove the point that you are still sexually desirable to one another. But once it's done the hurtful feelings remain. I personally need to know and feel that when my H is with me, it's because he wants only ME. Not a part of the selection of a$$ that is available. If you want multiple partners you shouldn't marry. This is why fidelity is written into wedding vows. 2
understand50 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 All, You need to read all of remorseful_tab's posts to understand her situation. Her husband started the divorce, many years after her affair. I think both love each other, but have been hurt by each other. They share a son, and will be in each other life's in any case. RT, is moving on, as she is not going to hold on to any false hope of putting back together the marriage, but she still will love him, because she does. Myself, I wish her well, and I do hope that in the end, both will realize what is being given up. This is a long shot, but I have seen it happen. As for using Loving DKT3, each couple is different, and you may remember he did not stay "pure". My two cents...... 3
66Charger Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Saying that the BS didnt stay "pure" has no bearing on this, because he divorced her for her infidelity. If you did someone wrong and want to make amends and eventually reconcile, you may have to eat crow for awhile. The WW should expect the X to have others. Regardless, however one attempts to save a marriage, this obviously wasnt the correct way. One couple just remarried and the other "couple" is engaged with multiple others. There are very few lovins, MJA or reverse for gender. Funny that he would ask that question over and over. When that happens, usually the person knows the answer. The OP has tied all her love making back to the affair. This marriage is toast. God and Satan have a better chance at reconciling. As it should be. 1
Author remorseful_tab Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 However, much potential for you to be hurt. Have you considered his current "love 'em and leave 'em" approach is a way to continue to punish you for the affair? Doesn't mean you have to participate... Yes correct. I don't have to participate. But it will only hurt if I were to expect something from this. I don't expect anything from the ONS. As I said, earlier I put too much hope. But that was what not to be. What happened was a moment of weakness due to the familiarity with my husband. Sure I was all smiling and giggling with him and the morning after, but as soon as he was gone I put my mind to the daily tasks of day and didn't put much thought into it. It would only make me think if he made a booty call out of me. Like he calls me another day and brazenly ask me for sex. No thats not happening. If he does that he will be facing some serious questions from me. I won't be forcing reconciliation by becoming a convenient lay. I have been a convenient lay to a twat before. Not doing that again to myself. Not even for my husband.
Author remorseful_tab Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 I think you have been giving out two different messages to your husband, one being that you love him, are attracted to him and do not want to separate from him and the other is that you care two hoots about him, are prepared to sleep around and just treat him like an FB. I guess you know where that road is going to lead. While I commend you for trying to be as honest as you can, I think you yourself are confused as to what you really want. There is no confusion. He got the message I was seeing people. He asked me. I answered truthfully. Nothing to hide. But I wasn't broadcasting it to him either. He seemed ok with that. If he wants me to stop seeing other people all he had to do was ask me out on a date and ask me to go exclusive with him. I believe I am going through another dating phase post marriage and neither of the two guys were anything close to seriousness. So my husband will definitely get a yes if he asked me to be exclusive. In return I also would expect him to be exclusive. I have even dropped hints in that direction. But as answers I received deflection and flirting. So why not I am coming on directly and asking him to a date? Been there, done that. If anyone remembers my night out with husband thread, that was me asking out my husband. And a week later I asked him out to dinner. Both time he comes but later I find out he has started to date someone else. And when I ask him about it, I get the answer "But we are getting divorced" Uh huh, if he wants me, he asks me out this time. Because all he has to do is ask and I am there. And I think he knows.
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I have not read your other threads so bear with me as I try to wrap my head around this story. You cheated... You are separated and divorcing... But throughout this process you are both dating... And remain sexually active with each other as well as others. You would actually like to stop the divorce and reconcile. Do you have this right so far? So on your last sexual encounter with your husband he asked you a question and you answered honestly and you want to know if it was the right thing to do. I believe honesty to be best ... Regardless of the circumstances ... Because in most cases if you lie... It will come back to bite you in the ass. My question to you about this is... Why do you care? If you want to reconcile and save your marriage... There may truly be too much water under the bridge. I would say the divorce is probably the best thing. Ending this chapter may be the only way to any future relationship. But I would caution that.. Every choice you make... If reconciliation is your goal... Could certainly determine what the chances will be for that reconciliation. And I say this for both of you. I wonder what it is you might salvage? You both may have an attraction for each other... But is that attraction enough to mend the hurt and pain and distrust that now exists between the two of you. When I had my affair and I confessed to my husband... I believe one of the reasons we did not seperate was his fear that I might find someone else or that I might become sexually active with others... And he knew if either of those things happened... He would not be able to reconcile. Everybody has a line... I had already crossed his... So my question is this... If you have any reconciliation plans whatsoever... How far are you both willing to move your lines? Is it ok that even though you are ending this marriage...that you both continue to be sexually active with others? How many times? And what if feelings for someone else develope?
Author remorseful_tab Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 @Mrs.John Adams I don't know you story but mine is a very long one. We were not separated after DDay. I was caught more than 8 years ago and we stayed together as you have been with your husband. Supposedly reconciling. My husband dropped the bomb he wanted to divorce around 8 months ago and we have been separated for the last 7 months. I abstinated for 5 months and hopelessly pursued my husband till I realized it was not to be. So yes, I started dating. And I don't think we would qualify as sexually active. We only slept together twice since separation. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Ok that helps me to understand better .. Thank you If you are having sex with him ... Then you are sexually active.. Twice in 7 months is more than some folks who live together. So it sounds to me like your husband tried for eight years to reconcile and had a change of heart. Truth be told... You can't reconcile alone... And if he has lost his desire to do so... You can't do it by yourself. My caution to you would be this... Either abstain or make it very clear to him that you both lead seperate lives by his choice not yours... Therefore nothing you do is no longer any of his business. He can't have it both ways... You are either together or you aren't. If you hope for or think you might have a future together... You cannot live like what you do now won't matter then... Because it will. 2
TX-SC Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Okay, there is an old saying that is applicable here "****, or get off the pot!" you need to tell your husband in no uncertain terms how you feel and what you want. If he is incapable of giving that to you, then you need to stop having sex with him and keeping a sliver of hope alive. Just move on now.
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) Tx-sc I agree with you... But which one is trying to keep hope alive? Her or him? He's the one who pulled the plug... He's the one who filed for divorce. If he doesn't want her that's fine.. Both of them seem to be using the other one here ... And as long as they both understand... that no harm done I guess. But I think I hear attachment to him in her voice... And that worries me. Edited January 28, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams
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