moving on from first love stories

[Vincenator]

So my first love and ex girlfriend of a year and a half dumped me 3 weeks ago, and I've been in NC for two weeks. I've definitely improved (couldn't even sleep or eat the first few days after I got dumped), and started seeing my mistakes. I honestly learned so much from this breakup and I've started talking with old friends and keeping in contact with my family more. After the breakup, I realized how unhealthy my old life was (not the relationship), in that I spent way too much time in the relationship and not having my own identity. I think I became too comfortable thinking that I had a girlfriend that I wanted to stick to for the rest of my life, so I just stopped trying to meet people. I think this played a role in why my ex lost interest in me and the relationship and left me. She helped me overcome social anxiety problems I was having (without even knowing it) when she first got together with me, because that basically told me I wasn't the lonely loser I thought I was lol. Even after she has broken up with me, she has taught me a lot of things, like the value of friends and family. She was such an important part of my life and who I am today, and the thought of losing her after all we've been through is killing me.

 

Even now though, after 3 weeks, I really feel sick. I've been trying to cope with the breakup and it has honestly been really rough. She was my first love and I guess this is one of those first breakups that really change you and make you a better person, which it definitely has I think, but it's seriously been so hard to cope with it. I sometimes still dream about me and her being together, then waking up completely miserable knowing that it's all over. When I look back at the relationship, it honestly felt so perfect to me. We barely argued or fought and always made sure we were there for each other. People say to look back at the relationship and its negatives to help move on, but when I do, I honestly can only come up with negatives that happened after my ex had emotionally checked out of the relationship.

 

I didn't see the signs of the breakup until after it had happened. It feels like my ex checked out of the relationship weeks, maybe even a couple months before she actually ended it, but she always reassured me everything was fine so it really felt like I was just led on lol. I think it's because she wanted to make the relationship work too and didn't want to give it all up yet, but ended up just hurting me more in the long run. It took me until now before I truly accepted the relationship ending and that reconciliation is something that shouldn't be on my mind at this point. I really feel that I still love her though, and that if our love was true, she would come back but that is something beyond my control or knowledge so I shouldn't think about it at all. And I think I'm at the stage where if she was to find someone better than me, I would be hurt but at the same time, feel some comfort that there will be someone watching over her and caring for her lol I think I'm guilty of treating her like she isn't her own independent person just because I wanted to help her succeed and become a better person

 

People keep telling me that you'll always find someone better, and I don't doubt that since I guess I am still young but there's no way I want to be in another serious relationship until I'm over my first ex. And I'm really not looking forward to spending 9 months to get over her and move on, if it really is true that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over an ex lol. I was also never the kind of person to meet new people easily and in fact, only got together with my ex through what seemed like fate at the time. I also feel like the next time I meet my next love, it'll have to rely so heavily on fate, luck, timing and all that stuff I can't even control lol

 

It also hurts that although me and her were such huge parts of each other's lives, it suddenly feels like we were never together in the first place. Right now, I'm feeling like all the memories me and her shared together were just dreams that never even happened. And I keep trying my hardest to stop thinking about all the great times we had together because every time I do, it just hurts me again. Sometimes I start feeling better too but get worried again because I know the pain will come back if I don't "control" it if that even makes sense lol. And I don't even know how I truly feeling. I'm really worried that all this self-improvement and learning that I tell myself that I'm going through is just an excuse to tell my ex that I've changed and have her come back to me, and that by doing this, I'm just setting myself up for more pain. I honestly have never felt so emotionally confused/distressed in my life I think lol

 

It's hard for me to admit but the relationship is done and I just want to stop hurting. I think hearing other people's first love stories and how they moved on would help lol

Edited January 27, 2016 by Vincenator

[Tallman1]

This story is very similar to mine. My ex-gf dumped me right before Christmas this year. We were friends for over a year before I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. We has a wonderful 6 month relationship with hardly any fighting at all. We had so much in common but ultimately the communication between us is what led to the demise.

 

I now realize started getting too comfortable in the relationship for the last two months we were together. I would sometimes choose going out with friends over hanging out with her and didn't realize the consequences of this until it was too late. During the breakup she said I made her feel alone too often and that she hasn't been happy recently, even though I thought everything was fine. What still bothers me the most is I had basically no warning and no opportunity to try and work on things. She just said I can't change

 

She was the first girl I ever truely loved I am well into my 20s. I am currently 6 weeks post BU and 5 weeks NC (has seemed like an eternity). Hardly ate or slept the first week, did a little of the begging and pleading before getting rejected again before going NC. Still struggle with vivid dreams of her right there before waking up. Currently am going to counseling but have been struggling getting up in the morning and at work thinking about her all the time.

 

Hanging out with friends and trying to stay busy has helped some but this being my first true heartbreak it has been unimaginable pain. Have lost 10 pounds due to lighter eating and hitting the gym a lot. I want to tell her how I am changing for the better but I know trying to re-initiate contact now before I am healed will bring probably bring me back to square one. It sucks because all i want to do is go back and change things that i did but need to get out of that mindset.

 

Anyways sorry to hear about your breakup, all I can say at this point is keep seeking help as you feel you need it. Talk to friends, family, professional help as much as you can. Hang in there, we will get through this!

[louxor]

Here's my most recent story - We were going out for 2.5 years and she was the first girl I had strong, deep feelings for.

 

She broke up with me without much straightforwardness, all I really got was "You're an amazing person, you've treated me so well so I don't know why I feel this way, I wish it wasn't the case". Not exactly the most useful explanation to have when trying to move on right?

 

For a while I was certain that she was bs'ing me, just saying that to protect my feelings, that she led me on all this time when she knew she felt something was off yet she didn't tell me, and I came close to reaching out to her many times, demanding she cut the crap and tell me the truth. I am so very glad this never happened however, and this is why:

 

As it turns out, what she told me was and still is 100% correct. She didn't have any answers to why she felt that way, and the fact that it took her so long to finally decided to break up with me was a testament to me - This is because I was still so important to her, that she was willing to push through these feelings as long as she could in order to try and make it work, instead of just leaving the second she felt something was off.

 

In regards to my process of moving on from it all, it was tough to begin with. I did my best to keep myself distracted all the time, but it was always the case that the second these distractions stopped, I was back to my crappy, upset, lost self. The thing that sparked a change in this, was when I swapped distractions, for progress. What I mean by this is, distractions are a short-term fix, and once you're done with it, you don't really have something to show for it so you are back to square one, that being upset. Progress on the other hand, like focusing on your hobbies, working out, taking up new projects, those are things that leave you feeling rewarded afterwards, and also excited for when you will be able to continue with them. In my case, going to the gym, and painting were 2 of these 'progress' activities that really helped me, and still do to this day.

 

So where am I now? 6 months on from the break-up and this is what has happened:

- My commitment to the gym has allowed me to be in the best shape I have ever been, I love going and I equally love the extra female attention I'm getting (yes I know that last point is self-absorbed but hey it helps lol). It has also helped my other hobbies like basketball and rowing.

- My painting has taken a big step forward, and I'm now selling prints on the side which has allowed me to drop my hours at work, and spend more time painting, which I absolutely adore, and with anything like this that you enjoy, the more time you have to do it, the happier you are.

- My life is dictated by myself and myself only. If I want to stay in bed all day ill do that, if I want to go fishing all day, ill do that. I don't have to worry about anyone else and it's f**king amazing.

- I have been able to interact with my ex again - this is probably the biggest thing that has surprised me. She reached out wanting to see me after (3-4 months NC), so that's what we did. We went on 3 dates, making out on the second. However, on the third the topic of us came up, and she basically revealed she was still unsure on what she wanted, and this is where I surprised myself: I told her that as much as I still enjoy hanging out with her, I'm not going to risk my feelings coming back while she's unsure, and I told her to contact me only when she 100% knows what she wants. And that was that. I was able to walk away, not caring if she called me up the next day saying she was madly in love with me, or if she called saying she never wanted to talk again. That right there, that feeling of not minding what is to come, that is the feeling I have been looking for for so long now, and is the reward for all the hard yards I have put in these last 6 months!

 

Bit of a long read, but I hope it can help you in some way or another!

Edited January 28, 2016 by louxor

[Brando]

Every end sucks whether it's mutual, you break it off or they break it off. Definitely hurts more when they break it off and you are "blindsided." Even though once you're a bit removed you will probably see there was a ton of signs of the dumper slowly exiting the relationship and emotionally disconnecting.

Every breakup (I've had 4 relationships from 2-3 year) you grow and change. You have to own the pain in my opinion and use it to create a better you. I am guilty of becoming too comfortable when I am pair bonded. So, when it ends it me time!!!

My first love ended almost 11 years ago. She was a bad girl to me haha. She cheated, dated my friends, broke up with me all the time, but we were young and dumb. I was probably heartbroken for at least a year. I think eventually I just became numb to it. I moved on with my life eventually and left to join the military. 11 years later we still get in touch with each other once in a while (usually when one of us has experienced a breakup haha). I think it's quite common, in my experience that once someone ends a relationship they make contact to there ex's. I do at least, and I still hear from a couple when they break up with someone. Haha I got a call from one recently and I asked "he broke up with you huh?" Anyway, when I visit home if my first love and I are both single we will go out and relive what once was (if you know what I mean) and this is years and years later.

It sounds like you had a more mature relationship than my first. You will grow and heal and get through to the other side soon enough. My guess would be that you will be friends after, but you need to take some time apart. I would say months at least. You seem like you had a good experience with her, but it just didn't work out. I know a ton of people that still talk to their first love now and again.

I'm all over the place here...there really isn't a fluid train of thought in my mind at the moment as I am dealing with my own breakup at the moment.

Just stay positive and take good care of yourself!!