doeblin Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 The point is, unless a woman herself has ever approached a guy (let alone a group of guys, lol) and been rejected, she has no business referring to men who have reservations about doing so as lacking balls, chicken, etc. I'll bet 99.9 percent of the gals on this forum have never approached a man first. Most women would never even consider approaching a man first. It just doesn't happen. This is just the way it is, dude. Sending an email is always lamer than approaching in person. Also, in person you have a whole other set of signs: body language! The context is important tho. Approaching a group of people in a bookclub you are attending is completely normal. Approaching a group in a restaurant is more unusual. Approaching a group in a nightclub is pretty normal. etc. Be cool.
Blanco Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I've never seen any of the threads you reference where women are specifically approaching guys and getting rejected. Please point these out to me. It's usually women complaining about their misguided belief that if they ask a guy out he will think they're a slut or desperate . Those are the threads I've read. And I usually tell those girls that this is the 21st century where women are sexually free, and they don't have to wait for men to approach them. The point is, unless a woman herself has ever approached a guy (let alone a group of guys, lol) and been rejected, she has no business referring to men who have reservations about doing so as lacking balls, chicken, etc. I'll bet 99.9 percent of the gals on this forum have never approached a man first. Most women would never even consider approaching a man first. It just doesn't happen. You let your biases cloud reality. My last girlfriend is super attractive; like, can't go most places without someone making a pass at her. Guess what? Her last three relationships (including me) got started because SHE made the first move. And I've known girls who have started dating a guy because they made the first move. Know why? Because there are too many guys of our generation who are wimps about approaching a woman or conveying interest in her. Once again, no one is saying to approach the group and outright ask out the girl. We're saying to approach the group, talk to them like they're actual human beings (because, spoiler alert, they are), and then go from there. 2
jen1447 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 ^ Ha, I've approached coliseums full of women (somebody's gotta do it) and at least conference halls full of men.
SoulCat Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 The point is, unless a woman herself has ever approached a guy (let alone a group of guys, lol) and been rejected, she has no business referring to men who have reservations about doing so as lacking balls, chicken, etc. I'll bet 99.9 percent of the gals on this forum have never approached a man first. Most women would never even consider approaching a man first. It just doesn't happen. And who are you to tell us women what business we have or haven't got to do anything? For your information, since you clearly referred to my post, I have asked a guy out (yes, even when they're among a group of other men) and been turned down. Several times. It happens, you deal with it. I'm sure as hell not going to blame the whole of the male gender for being 'rejected' by a few men. Face it, a lot of women like a man who has something about him, who can hold his own, who's comfortable with who they are and who is confident. Confident enough to start a casual conversation, confident enough to engage on a peer to peer basis. If you want to hold that against 'women' go right ahead. It's your prerogative. But you'll be the one going home alone at the end of the night. 1
Miss Peach Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 However, I think you're kind of hiding behind this "pack mentality" argument to justify taking the easier approach (emailing her). Again, it's not like you are approaching someone you don't know at a bar. In those instances, your motives a perfectly clear. That's when the "pack mentality" can kick in, because let's face it, it's not uncommon for attractive girls to get hit on by creeps in places like this. But as you tell it, you are all at this place for a common reason; you ostensibly vaguely all know each other. I don't see the harm in approaching her group and chit-chatting about something, even if it's just the book or whatever it is you are all there to discuss. I'm of the mind that you should be looking to build a bit of a foundation with this girl (and her friends) before you jump to, "Hey, go out with me" stuff. Win over her friends by making sure you talk to them, as well, and not just the girl you're interested in. Unless you're really socially awkward, or these girls are awful people, nothing terrible can come from this approach. Agreed. This is a good way to approach it with this girl IMO. If I like how you act in the group and talk to me I am more likely to want to go out with you and be excited about it. This is just the way it is, dude. Sending an email is always lamer than approaching in person. Also, in person you have a whole other set of signs: body language! The context is important tho. Approaching a group of people in a bookclub you are attending is completely normal. Approaching a group in a restaurant is more unusual. Approaching a group in a nightclub is pretty normal. etc. Be cool. Agreed. Guys I don't know exist email me all the time. I ignore all of them. It comes off as douchey. I know some guys who have emailed me through the same sites but I already had met them, had a few conversations with the, etc. so it lowered my guard and didn't seem as douchey to me. A few of them I hoped would ask me out. You let your biases cloud reality. My last girlfriend is super attractive; like, can't go most places without someone making a pass at her. Guess what? Her last three relationships (including me) got started because SHE made the first move. And I've known girls who have started dating a guy because they made the first move. Know why? Because there are too many guys of our generation who are wimps about approaching a woman or conveying interest in her. Once again, no one is saying to approach the group and outright ask out the girl. We're saying to approach the group, talk to them like they're actual human beings (because, spoiler alert, they are), and then go from there. There are a lot of women who think THEY have to hunt for a man (or at least act like it). There are a lot of women who wait for the man to hunt for her. Men really don't know which to do anymore. Both types of women will respond differently to things. It's a bit of a minefield. Still think your best chances are to get into the group conversation and take it from there. I know for me, if I enjoy your company in that type of setting I would be much more likely to give you my number or go out with you. If you just email me but haven't really spoken to me I would probably just ignore it.
PinkElephants Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I'll bet 99.9 percent of the gals on this forum have never approached a man first. Most women would never even consider approaching a man first. It just doesn't happen. When I was single I approached men all the time. I wanted to make sure I snagged the one I wanted and didn't want to risk his weird friend talking to me instead. Once, I was out for drinks with a bunch of friends from work, 11 guys and me. I'm in a male dominated field so this happens. A guy sent me a drink from across the room and later introduced himself. This move was met with universal admiration and expressions of "wow, that was ballsy" from the group I was with. If he could do it, you can. If I could approach men, you can. You just won't because you'd rather whine than act. It's the same in every thread you make. 2
lino Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) If you aren't able to approach her through the group, it'll be very difficult for you. It is indeed very intimidating, despite the typical mud you've had slung at you here by this friendly lot. This discussion illustrates perfectly though the difference in reactions when a struggling guy opens a topic and a struggling woman opens one on loveshack.org Very stark contrast! Edited January 29, 2016 by lino Corrected spelling. 1
doeblin Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 This discussion illustrates perfectly though the difference in reactions when a struggling guy opens a topic and a struggling woman opens one on loveshack.org Very stark contrast! Sorry, but no. The words he used are suspect: "royal guard", "blocking" etc. The danger is an illusion. It is in his head. It's just a bunch of ladies chatting in a bookclub. It is completely normal for another person to step in and have a chat about the book. But OP conjures this absurd scenario that the girls are against him. It's silly. Sure, there are situations were approaching a group is more out of the norm and more intimidating, but a bookclub is not it. He should just stop worrying and chat them up, then go from there. 4
hasaquestion Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Here's what I've noticed men do... 1. Approach the group and join in. Many times they won't ask me out in front of the group but at least it gives me the chance to notice them. 2. Wait until I'm alone to ask out/approach 3. Try to cut me off from the group. This could be through a question. Or asking me to check something out in the room. Etc. Personally I would not recommend this to the OP. Women want to be chosen. Part of the value of approaching the group, is you aren't choosing. You're playing it close to the vest and you are being confident and in control. If she thinks you are really hot then she won't care. But if you're in the grey area, the bolded approach isn't flattering. Because when you walk up to the group with your eyes on the prize and 'cut her off' or ignore everyone else, you're telegraphing that you're trying to get her to choose you. You're trying to win her approval. Which is the opposite of how women usually want things to be. You should aim to be a buyer not a seller. Talk to them so she (and not the one of the rest) gives you a reason to ask her on a date.
RedRobin Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 They are just people. You know nothing about this woman or her friends. All you know is that you like the way a particular woman looks and you'd like to tag that. Big deal. It's a book club. Start by pretending to have an interest in the book and having something interesting to say about it. Most women don't go to these things to be treated like fresh meat to every swinging d*ck that walks in the room. Besides, every smart woman will notice if you are trying to ladder climb your way in and have no genuine interest in getting to know people there, including her. Using her friends to get to her is a d*ck move... And likely to backfire if she has a 'sisters before misters' attitude like a lot of conscientious woman. I wouldn't date a guy who did that. He'd be out of the running based on that alone.
Author oberkeat Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) If you aren't able to approach her through the group, it'll be very difficult for you. It is indeed very intimidating, despite the typical mud you've had slung at you here by this friendly lot. This discussion illustrates perfectly though the difference in reactions when a struggling guy opens a topic and a struggling woman opens one on loveshack.org Very stark contrast! 100 percent true. The men on these forums get a very different type of advice (often hostile) than the women. Sorry, but no. The words he used are suspect: "royal guard", "blocking" etc. The danger is an illusion. It is in his head. It's just a bunch of ladies chatting in a bookclub. It is completely normal for another person to step in and have a chat about the book. But OP conjures this absurd scenario that the girls are against him. It's silly. Have you ever been on the receiving end of an approach that was not well received? I'd put that question to everyone. Because some girls can be downright brutal when they reject a guy. All I'm saying is that it is logistically difficult to approach a groups of girls, and not without risk of embarrassment. Edited January 30, 2016 by oberkeat
doeblin Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 10 Have you ever been on the receiving end of an approach that was not well received? I'd put that question to everyone. Because some girls can be downright brutal when they reject a guy. All I'm saying is that it is logistically difficult to approach a groups of girls, and not without risk of embarrassment. Yep. I'm typing this from the afterlife because I died of embarrassment. 2
Recommended Posts