oberkeat Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I'm in this book club type group that meets once a month. It's basically a group where everybody gets together and takes turns presenting their research. There's one girl in there who has caught my eye. The trouble is that getting one-on-one time to talk to her has proven virtually impossible. She has female friends who she talks to before and after the meeting. They circle her constantly like the royal guard. Even a man who is an artist at approaching women would have a hard time approaching a group of women. I'm thinking of sending her an email, where I ask her about her research etc. and maybe set up some one-on-one time. The trouble is that's awkward. Again, chatting her up at the meeting is not an option. Should I send her the email or just forget her?
MissBee Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Does she always arrive at the same time as her friends? If she doesn't, then try to get there when she gets there, or try to sit beside her so that right as it ends you can talk to her. You could also email... Also...are her friends deliberately blocking you? I'm confused. You say they are like the royal guard which makes it seem like they see you coming and deliberately try to block you or are you exaggerating and are they just her friends, interacting with her as normal, but you feel awkward about stepping in?
Shining One Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 This is what wingmen/women are for. Bring some friends of your own to distract them.
Popsicle Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 If you think you'll never get to talk to her, sure, send her the email.
jen1447 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Even a man who is an artist at approaching women would have a hard time approaching a group of women. I make a point of approaching groups. Nothing like it to show her you've got balls. 3
Ami1uwant Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I'm a littke confused here.... Are her girlfriends part of the group? Do the girlfriends just meet her up right afterwards? If the GFs are part if it, just approach the group and talk.
Robratory Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I'm not visualizing the situation here. Do she and her friends arrive and leave together in a bus? You're making it sound like you've haven't met her and like she doesn't even know you exist. Aren't there any group discussions? Are you the only guy in the group? Don't send her the email. What if she doesn't reply? Talk about awkward! And whatever you do, do not make it about the club or about research or anything like that. Don't put yourself in the friend zone. Make it about the fact that she's caught your eye.
Author oberkeat Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) Does she always arrive at the same time as her friends? If she doesn't, then try to get there when she gets there, or try to sit beside her so that right as it ends you can talk to her. You could also email... Also...are her friends deliberately blocking you? I'm confused. You say they are like the royal guard which makes it seem like they see you coming and deliberately try to block you or are you exaggerating and are they just her friends, interacting with her as normal, but you feel awkward about stepping in? This bolded part. By saying they are like the royal guard, I'm exaggerating, but not by much. They aren't intentionally trying to block me, but approaching a group of women is intimidating. I'm a littke confused here.... Are her girlfriends part of the group? Do the girlfriends just meet her up right afterwards? If the GFs are part if it, just approach the group and talk. Her friends are part of the group. They're chit-chatting with her before the meeting starts, and they chat with her and leave with her after the meeting ends. I will not approach her unless she's on her own. Approaching a group when you're trying to get one girl's number is too much pressure. I'm not visualizing the situation here. Do she and her friends arrive and leave together in a bus? You're making it sound like you've haven't met her and like she doesn't even know you exist. Aren't there any group discussions? Are you the only guy in the group? There are general group discussions during the meeting, and I always throw out my opinions and ask questions and tell jokes. But I have never had a one on one conversation with this girl, and I get no indication that she knows I exist. There are 10-12 girls in the group, and I am one of only 2 guys. Don't send her the email. What if she doesn't reply? Talk about awkward! And whatever you do, do not make it about the club or about research or anything like that. Don't put yourself in the friend zone. Make it about the fact that she's caught your eye. Sounds like I should just move on and find some girl who's more approachable. Edited January 27, 2016 by oberkeat
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I make a point of approaching groups. Nothing like it to show her you've got balls. This is what an experienced confident man would do. When you approach a group you address them all, make them laugh and introduce yourself, get to know their names, etc. That's how it's done. **Tip: you want to get with a girl right, you need to score points with her GFs because they will be deciding factor on your chances of dating this girl. 4
Wewon Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 First, get it out of your mind that you have to be some ultra smooth, silver tongued guy to approach women or groups of women. What you need is a reason that you will be invading her space. A few things: Try to strike up some low stress chit chat during the group discussion. If you stand out as knowledgeable or interesting, you will have a better pretense for a one-on-one with her. And at the end of the day, a plausible pretense is important to approach anyone versus otherwise doing it cold. Maybe find a wingman if possible to approach the group. This takes off some pressure but can be tricky for a variety of reasons. Last, try to get comfortable approach groups. This goes beyond women and can be a good skill in work and other social situations. Again, finding some kind of pretense is key, but you have to address the whole group.
hasaquestion Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I make a point of approaching groups. Nothing like it to show her you've got balls. Listen to this OP. Don't approach HER. Approach the group. Introduce yourself to everyone. Its a book club not a nightclub, you're not taking anyone home. Just let em know you're cool and laid back and funny and hit up the girl herself later when she knows her friends like you. 4
Author oberkeat Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) Most guys are like me. They are intimidated by the prospect of getting humiliated in front of a group of women. It's enormously frustrating because, when you think about it, women are almost always in groups. They travel in packs. They are rarely on their own. And these same gals who are never alone still have the nerve to complain that guys don't approach them. Edited January 27, 2016 by oberkeat
Blanco Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 OK, but no one says you have to ask her out right off the bat. Can't you just approach the group and chit-chat with them about the book? You are all there for the same reason, after all; not like you're cold-approaching her in a bar where your motives are much more obvious. If you can engage in some casual banter with her and her friends, you're going to put them all at ease and probably increase your chances of progressing anything with her, assuming she has any interest. I think that's a way better approach than emailing her or trying to find a moment to snag her away from her friends. Win her friends over and you probably stand a better chance of winning her over. 2
hasaquestion Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Most guys are like me. They are intimidated by the prospect of getting humiliated in front of a group of women. It's enormously frustrating because, when you think about it, women are almost always in groups. They travel in packs. They are rarely on their own. And these same gals who are never alone still have the nerve to complain that guys don't approach them. Maybe part of the reason they 'travel in packs' (this sounds like something in a nature documentary) is because they want a dude who has stones and isn't afraid of them.
jen1447 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Women in groups do tend to buffer each other as a defensive tactic. I can tell you it's worse for a woman trying to penetrate that than a man tho. Guys can get roughed up by the pack but we reserve a special length of claw to scratch at other women - esp if the defenders happen to be hung up on the whole bi thing. Doesn't matter tho - going into 'dangerous' situations shows courage, plain and simple. That's attractive, and timidness generally isn't. 1
Wewon Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Most guys are like me. They are intimidated by the prospect of getting humiliated in front of a group of women. It's enormously frustrating because, when you think about it, women are almost always in groups. They travel in packs. They are rarely on their own. And these same gals who are never alone still have the nerve to complain that guys don't approach them. Well don't get discouraged, approaching a group of any kind is intimidating. The only people that have zero reservations about it are usually extremely obnoxious and end up having fist fights in you-tube videos. Everyone else at least considers that the situation is intimidating and has to work up to it. And don't feel bad when people make it sound as though its second nature, it isn't, public speaking is one of the most common fears people have. Think of it the same way as people that spend their entire lives sitting in the audience saying, "Gee whiz, stand up comedy sure looks easy!" it is...for the person that doesn't have to execute.
truth_seeker Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 In this situation you have to grab your grapes and and say hi to all of them. To ease your nerves, target one of her girlfriends. Warm up to the women who don't interest you. Slowly work your way to the woman you like. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I'm in this book club type group that meets once a month. It's basically a group where everybody gets together and takes turns presenting their research. There's one girl in there who has caught my eye. The trouble is that getting one-on-one time to talk to her has proven virtually impossible. She has female friends who she talks to before and after the meeting. They circle her constantly like the royal guard. Even a man who is an artist at approaching women would have a hard time approaching a group of women. I'm thinking of sending her an email, where I ask her about her research etc. and maybe set up some one-on-one time. The trouble is that's awkward. Again, chatting her up at the meeting is not an option. Should I send her the email or just forget her?j Just be patient and wait for the opportunity. There will be a point when the opportunity presents itself. Be patient. Don't force it with an email when you haven't even spoken yet. Or, as soon as the meeting ends, and when you are both getting up from your chairs, you go over to her right away. Or as you are getting up, you call over to her by her name, "Mary, I have a question about something you said about Xbook, can we talk over here for a minute?" Cut her from the herd. But, you better really have a question to open with "What's your take on X character"?
Miss Peach Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Here's what I've noticed men do... 1. Approach the group and join in. Many times they won't ask me out in front of the group but at least it gives me the chance to notice them. 2. Wait until I'm alone to ask out/approach 3. Try to cut me off from the group. This could be through a question. Or asking me to check something out in the room. Etc.
SoulCat Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 women are almost always in groups. They travel in packs. They are rarely on their own. And these same gals who are never alone still have the nerve to complain that guys don't approach them. Oh I see. It's all the women's fault that you are too chicken to start a normal, adult conversation with them. Alrighty then.... 1
Author oberkeat Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) Oh I see. It's all the women's fault that you are too chicken to start a normal, adult conversation with them. Alrighty then.... Since you are a woman I don't expect much empathy from you. Women never have to approach to catch men's attention. They never have to risk rejection.All they have to do is just stand there and look attractive. Edited January 28, 2016 by oberkeat
scorpiogirl Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Since you are a woman I don't expect much empathy from you. Women never have to approach to catch men's attention. They never have to risk rejection.All they have to do is just stand there and look attractive. Wow, turns out I've been going the extra mile by offering conversation, showing an interest in the men I'm attracted to, being funny. Didn't know I could just stand there. You don't get empathy because you're a whiner. 2
Blanco Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Since you are a woman I don't expect much empathy from you. Women never have to approach to catch men's attention. They never have to risk rejection.All they have to do is just stand there and look attractive. I'm not a woman, so I understand how intimidating it can be to approach someone you're into, let alone approach her and her friends. However, I think you're kind of hiding behind this "pack mentality" argument to justify taking the easier approach (emailing her). Again, it's not like you are approaching someone you don't know at a bar. In those instances, your motives a perfectly clear. That's when the "pack mentality" can kick in, because let's face it, it's not uncommon for attractive girls to get hit on by creeps in places like this. But as you tell it, you are all at this place for a common reason; you ostensibly vaguely all know each other. I don't see the harm in approaching her group and chit-chatting about something, even if it's just the book or whatever it is you are all there to discuss. I'm of the mind that you should be looking to build a bit of a foundation with this girl (and her friends) before you jump to, "Hey, go out with me" stuff. Win over her friends by making sure you talk to them, as well, and not just the girl you're interested in. Unless you're really socially awkward, or these girls are awful people, nothing terrible can come from this approach.
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Since you are a woman I don't expect much empathy from you. Women never have to approach to catch men's attention. They never have to risk rejection.All they have to do is just stand there and look attractive. Women never have to approach to catch men's attention -- I guess you've missed the countless posts from women who took the leap like men do and come here because the guys turn them down so often . . . Or, a guy asks them out and never calls them again. Women experience the same things men do. And, guess what, I've not approached a man in my life, because I just stood there, looked good, smiled at them and, if that worked for them, they had the balls to come over to me and talk and sometimes they asked me out and sometimes they didn't. And, if they didn't, I was fine without them before we met and I was fine afterwards as well.
Author oberkeat Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 Women never have to approach to catch men's attention -- I guess you've missed the countless posts from women who took the leap like men do and come here because the guys turn them down so often . . . Or, a guy asks them out and never calls them again. Women experience the same things men do. I've never seen any of the threads you reference where women are specifically approaching guys and getting rejected. Please point these out to me. It's usually women complaining about their misguided belief that if they ask a guy out he will think they're a slut or desperate . Those are the threads I've read. And I usually tell those girls that this is the 21st century where women are sexually free, and they don't have to wait for men to approach them. And, guess what, I've not approached a man in my life, because I just stood there, looked good, smiled at them and, if that worked for them, they had the balls to come over to me and talk and sometimes they asked me out and sometimes they didn't. And, if they didn't, I was fine without them before we met and I was fine afterwards as well. The point is, unless a woman herself has ever approached a guy (let alone a group of guys, lol) and been rejected, she has no business referring to men who have reservations about doing so as lacking balls, chicken, etc. I'll bet 99.9 percent of the gals on this forum have never approached a man first. Most women would never even consider approaching a man first. It just doesn't happen.
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