In a lot of pain

[Paper]

Hey all, I could really use some advice or encouragement on how to deal with a breakup wound I have no choice but to keep open, and like a masochist my actions constantly rub salt in it.

 

Haven't dated in a long, long time. I'm 30 and have dated since early college (ten years). I was interested in a woman I work with for almost a year now, and through circumstances I actually ended up dating her. We talked marriage, raising her children, and our future. She became distant after a while, and she broke up with me. I don't think I was too clingy, if anything it was the opposite. I never acted disinterested, but she often was upset it would take me a while to respond or if I ended our conversations first.

 

Well I have been absolutely destroyed by this the past month. I can't not contact her to heal myself, as I work and have to speak with her daily. I hear other guys flirting with her and it destroys me. I've never suggested getting back together, and keep our conversations short, but I cannot stop thinking about her and going to work every day just reopens that pain.

 

Well, in my brilliance, I took it a step further. I've read about how putting down the guy she's with (she's not with anyone) is an attraction killer, so my flawless plan of 30 seconds was to try and set her up with another guy we work with.... Let that sink in.

 

Lo and behold, she's interested. It's a guy I hang out with occasionally, and I never mentioned anything to him about her at all, he isn't even aware we dated. He's flirted with her in the past and is a pretty good, succesful dude. The ex and I don't talk much, so when we do I feel like I have to say something. Spur of the moment today I suggested she comes hang out with us Thursday, to which she agreed.

 

So let me explain this brilliant theory in short. I'm heartbroken over someone I have to see daily, and it kills me to even see her talking to other dudes, so I (from her end) set her up with another guy I see daily. Not only that, but I put myself in a position where I get to witness firsthand as their attraction builds for eachother, like I am physically there watching it, and have to play it off as though I'm not bothered. All in the hopes she regains attraction for me... What in the hell is wrong with me.

 

I will say I think I've played the "I'm over it and have moved on" card fairly well, and she's shown signs that she may be interested in a future relationship. I'm basing that off something I may be over analyzing, but after we hadn't spoke about us in a few weeks she out of nowhere mentioned a friend had got upset with her and said I would've been a great dad and husband, and she was "dumb" to have broke up with me. There was no context to that, she just randomly let me know. So I didn't really address what she said, just played it off.

 

So it's pretty clear I'm awful at relationships, and the reason I avoided them for so long is to avoid this pain associated with it. I've set myself up for the perfect storm of unhealable pain and I don't know what I can do. What is wrong with me.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Paper

[mightycpa]

What is wrong with you? You didn't ask her who that friend was, and if you could have her number!

 

Maybe you'll get lucky and you'll develop a romantic revulsion to her fawning all over your new pal. I have to say, your tactical strategy on this is baffling.

 

Maybe you should pull her aside and ask something like

 

The fact that I'm still really, really attracted to you isn't a secret, right? You do know that?

and see where that goes. It has broken ice for me before, many times.

[LostOnes05]

Bro...what in the actual ****?! Did you eat paint chips as a kid? (movie reference...not being mean). That's probably as bad as sticking a fork in a socket. I honestly hope it works out for you though.

[Captivating]

"What is wrong with me ?"

In a relationship you need to put yourself out there and be honest about your feelings.

These reverse psychology games....I don't know. When she mentioned that her friend got upset with her, well, I think it was made up, it is her way of telling you what she thinks, but was fearful of your rejection.

If you don't show affection for your loved one, she won't feel loved.

If you want her, go and get her ! Send her a message "I'm going to pick you up at 7 tonight, we are going out See you soon Beautiful" She will be smiling getting this message. (flower, dinner, movie? and be well groomed)

 

You need to change your ways in a relationship though. If you love someone, show it to her. Actions talk louder than words. People leave if they don't feel loved or appreciated.

Look, I know she broke up with you......but sitting back not fighting for her at all, not trying to change your ways a little bit, will not do any good. I think regret is the worst.

Even if she rejects you, YOU ACTUALLY TRIED TO FIGHT FOR THE WOMAN YOU LOVE. Right?? Women generally like guys with "balls" Go for it!

[Paper]

I appreciate the genuine replies, I wasn't expecting "good move bro!" but I also wasn't hopeful anyone would look past the insanity of my actions

 

My mind is playing tricks on me with all these little "games" to GeT yOuR Ex Back!!! Techniques. I feel like I've followed enough tactics and went against my gut one too many times, to the point I've nearly tortured myself. I realize no guru advises to set her up with someone and painfully watch, I'm not quite sure how I got to that point. But I went to yoga between my post and this, tried clearing my mind, and decided enough is enough. I'm not going to crawl and beg for her, I think I knew before reading relationship advice that would scare her off, but I'm not going to sit back and torture myself anymore by acting like I agree with her that we are better off as friends while I watch her fade away.

 

Why can't I just tell her how much I miss her though, I despise our mentality sometimes. I hate that I can tell everyone BUT her that I would walk through a thousand cacti covered in icy hot just to be with her one more night (though her tending to my infected wounds might be a turnoff. Damn games!). It would be so much easier if I didn't have to see her daily.

 

So since my last post, I broke the "No contact" and asked why she let me know her friend sent that. She said she had no one else to tell, and everyone including her friends, family, even ex-husband, is saying she made a huge mistake. At this point the yoga mind hadn't kicked in and I convinced her she can't choose her feelings and attractions and her friends weren't in our t relationship, essentially convincing her she made the right choice (f***). I finished it with "to be fair to them, I am awesome like 60% of the time". She said you are pretty awesome lol" and I went with captivating's advice and didn't ask, but said "I'm busy this weekend, but let's get Starbucks and sit down for a bit". She has kids so I don't have the option of sweeping her off her feet outside of predesignated times.

 

I'm pretty sure I nailed it. It's been an hour and she's said nothing

 

Edit: I take that back, she just responded. . She gave me a resounding "Why?"

 

Edit edit: I said" to communicate". She said "ok"

 

I'm not sure if her hopes were that I try and win her back, or she was skeptical I'm only trying to win her back. This is hard. I guess I'll update this weekend with details. Though my entire post was despising following advice from experts.... Any advice?

Edited January 27, 2016 by Paper

[Jay87]

"I would've been a great dad and husband, and she was "dumb" to have broke up with me."

 

If she said that to you then that was a queue or an opportunity to bring up the subject. If you really are interested in her then simply ask her for coffee or lunch and talk about what you feel for her.

 

That said, you should ask yourself why you want to be with her. Is it because she is the first woman in a while or? She broke up with you for what it sounds like, no good reason. Do you think this person is emotionally stable?

 

It is crazy that you have to see her everyday at work and have those aches in your stomach all day. I must say, it's a difficult situation to give advice on, because I'm not sure how one gets over a relationship if you have to see the other person all day.

 

The last thing I will leave you with is that it sounds like she gets a lot of attention in the office. Does she thrive on it? I personally would not want to be with someone who invites that constant attention from the opposite sex. Especially in the work place. If she is participating in daily flirting in a professional environment where she should be wanting to build a professional image, then imagine what she is like in social arena's.

 

Sorry I can't be of much help with this one.

 

All the Best,

 

Jay

Edited January 27, 2016 by Jay87

[Paper]

Thanks Jay. There are times when I feel I could spend my life with her, and times where I think about some of the pain even when we were dating. I have pretty low confidence, and was an alcoholic for the majority of my 20's (20 months sober!), and part of me says I will never meet someone as beautiful and great as herself. My main enemy is consistency. I can be at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the office full of confidence and by the time I get to the top I feel like it's the end of the world. It's hard to determine whether our relationship was toxic, or whether I myself am toxic and need to work past personal issues, such as confidence, jealousy, insecurity..

 

I have no idea what my state of mind will be when I meet her Saturday for coffee, I can only hope it's in one of my confident spurts.

[Orion39]

That is gut-wrenching, knowing you can't get away from that love lost. Have you talked to her at any length about what happened? If not do you think she would be open to that? It's something you could do over dinner or coffee-keep it casual and not appear to be a date. After that conversation I would wage you both would be able to gage where you are and if anything could happen after that.

 

It sounds like you are doing your best to be professional as well as be a good friend to her. If it were me I'd do my best to keep it strictly business when I had to and not worry about having a casual conversation or gathering if I didn't have to. Hopefully things will get better and you can continue to move forward and get come clarity/closure in process. Good luck.