Scarlet1977 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Don't know where to begin on this, but just after Christmas I found out my wife of over 25 years was having an affair. Although I suspected for quite some time, I found out by accident when her texts to her boyfriend kept popping up on my computer. Apparently her facebook love affair was routed through. When I read the texts, I was floored. Both admitted to having sex in the transcript--which I copied--and had decided to "cool it" but were still having a flirtaceous affair via text. Both had been sneaking off to play tennis together and attend events. She even kept him up to speed on the my son's and daughter's search for a college and boyfriend problems. She left me out of these. When she went to Boston with my son to show him schools, she texted him pics and updates. Nothing for me. So, on New Years Eve I decided to go Michael Corleone on her. We were attending a NYE party at some friends house. I had a ball--wasn't going to let her get to me and danced the night away. I also texted her boyfriend at about 10 PM with a simple text "Do you want to play a game?" I kept sending him texts with the "love and kisses" emoticon that my wife and he exchanged incessantly. He tried to say there was no mistake. That's when I called him, told him I had the transcripts of the two talking about sleeping together, and that I would be sending them to his wife in the morning. I then told him to pick up my FORMER wife at 1230 after the party--which he always claimed to my wife he would do. The I told him to F-off and I was going to destroy his life with his own words. After an hour of being somewhat high from the conversation, around midnight I snuck out of party and went outside just before the ball was to drop. My wife, of course, came looking for me. She asked me to come inside, but I told her why would I want to celebrate what is going to be a HORRENDOUS year with her. When she asked why, I dropped the bomb on her. She denied at first, but then I quoted from the texts. She broke down. I had rented her a hotel room to go to that night but she was hysterical, couldn't drive, and her love never showed. So, given she is the mother of my two wonderful kids I felt sorry for her and let her stay that night. I immediately went to a marriage counselor to take of myself and my wife joined me. She has admitted to cheating and apologized, but I have to forgive. The rage is too much right now. Also, she does just the bare minimum when it comes to showing me affection--turns so I can only kiss her cheek, forced conversations, reluctance to talk about the affair. And this weekend given the snow, we had sex. Or at least she did. She lay there like a dead fish and I did all the work--and received no "attention" whatsoever. So, my cherry still hasn't been popped given I last had sex with her a year ago. She hasn't contacted the other guy since (I've checked, and he's probably scared ****less of me). I told him if he didn't contact her, I wouldn't send the transcripts to his wife (he has two daughters my kids' ages and I couldn't bring myself to destroy a family). That said, we've been walking on eggshells, going to counseling, but it seems the marriage is on life support or terminal. I thought a guilty, remorseful, cheating wife would shower her betrayed husband with attention and affection, but it seems I'M THE ONE doing that. Happy New Year--right.
Satu Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Divorce her, and make sure that everybody knows why you did it. You'll never be happy with her, and neither will she be with you. The Marriage Necromancy is too little, too late. Take care. 4
Whoknew30 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 This all just happened. There is no guide book & depending on how long & emotional her A was, she's going to need time to mourn the loss of her OM. There is no wrong or right in reconciliation, there's no time limit & there's no guarantee that a couple will. This way marriage counseling & communication are so important, to know where you're both coming from. I'm sure neither of you are in the right state of mind right now. You'll come to know what you are willing to forgive (or not) in time. Good luck to you 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I am not sure what you are looking for...if anything. Maybe you just wanted to rant... I will tell you this...I did not hear you say you still love her. All I heard was revenge and spite. And all of that is ok....you are entitled to feel exactly the way you do. Marriage therapy at this point is probably futile. It would be more beneficial to you to seek individual therapy to help you deal with the hand that has been dealt to you. Give yourself time...get therapy....and try to deal with your emotions and don't worry about hers. The only reason to be concerned with her is if you still love her and you want to reconcile. If you don't...then see a lawyer....prepare yourself financially to end the marriage. I think it is way more difficult in situations like this where the affair was discovered rather than ended and confessed. Best of luck to you...take care of those babies...they need you dad. 3
TX-SC Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 You don't mention how old your kids are, but it really doesn't matter. You are doing them no favors by staying in a loveless marriage. If you feel the marriage is dead, then bury it. I know from experience, the divorce will be better for them in the long run. You and she can move on and find someone you are happy with. She is angry because she lost the man she loves. Hint: it ain't you. 1
Author Scarlet1977 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 Yes, I'm ranting somewhat but I realized that evening when I exposed the affair that I still love her. If I wanted revenge, I could have destroyed her entire life that night. My kids are in their 20s and both idolize her and they would be destroyed by the news. I'm trying to give counseling a chance that way if my marriage truly is over, then I can look them in the face, tell them I was wronged, but still still tried everything I could to save my marriage. Hopefully my wife will respond but who knows. At the very least my life will get better (she's been cool to me for two years now, sex three times in the past four years) either WITH her, or WITHOUT her. 2
Midwestmissy Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Telling the other wife doesn't ruin the family - the husband cheating on the family does. As the bs I wish so much the other bh had told me. And he knew for almost a year before I did. He was also the om in his wife's first marriage to his brother. So I guess expecting decency from a man who would sleep with his brother's wife was a stretch, lol. Tell. Her. 7
BuddyX Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 It's more difficult to overcome a wife's affair. Generalizing here; but when guys do it, we just want to get our nuts off. Women, on the other hand incorporate a deeper emotional feeling. Not sure why you're sticking around. You're kids are adults. You're not getting booty and she'll give it up for the OM in a second. Odds are, when she's intimate with you she'll either want it to get it over with or she's thinking about the other guy. I would Run 1
JS84 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) You gave her the gift of reconciliation way too quickly and it sounds like way too easily. She lost her lover but she still had her back up Plan B (you) ready and willing to make things work regardless of her actions. No serious consequences = no motivation for her to change. Hell she doesn't even want to show you affection. It takes two people to make a marriage work and when it comes to infidelity the cheater really has to do a lot of heavy lifting. From what you say, she's barely willing to carry a cup of water for her marriage. She should be in individual counseling to figure out why she did what she did before you jump right into marriage counseling. I'd recommend you stop going to marriage counseling at all unless she actually starts to act like she wants to work for her marriage. Again, this is after she does some individual counseling for herself. If you had kicked her out from the start, exposed to all parties involved including your children and both your parents, seen a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn out and put in her face or had her served you'd have a better chance of your wife willing to work on the marriage. Because then she'd truly have to face the consequences of her actions. Instead you're trying to hold her hand, kiss her, still trying to have sex with her, repair the marriage, and keep what she did a secret while she's most likely pining away for her lover and really doesn't want anything to do with you. Your love alone is not enough to fix your marriage no matter how badly you want things to go back to the way they were. And since your children are in their 20s and not little kiddies I suggest you let them know what's going on. My mother informed me and my sister when we were 17 and 15 all about my dad's cheating and the hookers. Guess what? We still love our dad and we didn't fall into the abyss of depression and despair. If anything it gave us a more realistic look at relationships and how to not conduct ourselves in them. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I'm not trying to come off as harsh but after reading through stories like yours for the past 3 years, I can tell you that you're going about this situation entirely the wrong way. You started off strong with threatening the OM and dropping the bomb on your wife but everything else you've done since?? Your wife is either going to run back to that guy, if she hasn't already, is going to cheat with someone else, or is just going to wind up leaving you regardless. Guys who try to instaforgive their cheating wives and dive head first into saving the marriage with no real strategy like you're doing?? Their marriages wind up failing more often than not in the end anyway. The ones who lay down consequences, don't accept Plan B status, expose the affair more often than not have remorseful spouses. Because, as I stated earlier, then they truly see the damage that their actions have caused. Stop with the sex, stop trying to hold her hand, stop trying to kiss her, and stop going full throttle into repairing the marriage all on your own. Have her sleep in another room if she isn't already. Read up on the 180 and start living it. Talk to an attorney, even if it's just to explore your options. Because as long as your wife is in the mental state that you describe, you aren't working on the marriage, you're just living in limbo. Edited January 27, 2016 by JS84 5
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Yes, I'm ranting somewhat but I realized that evening when I exposed the affair that I still love her. If I wanted revenge, I could have destroyed her entire life that night. My kids are in their 20s and both idolize her and they would be destroyed by the news. I'm trying to give counseling a chance that way if my marriage truly is over, then I can look them in the face, tell them I was wronged, but still still tried everything I could to save my marriage. Hopefully my wife will respond but who knows. At the very least my life will get better (she's been cool to me for two years now, sex three times in the past four years) either WITH her, or WITHOUT her. You didn't do any exposure. You only confronting them. Exposure isn't revenge. It's consequences. Of which they've had none. Don't be surprised when it starts back up. They often do. Exposure to his wife will probably end the affair and give you some closure. Right now she is still in the affair fog. She doesn't have sex with you because she feels she would be cheating on him. That's how these things work. You need to calm down and do what's needed here. Or continue to live with a wife that belongs to him. Knock her out of her fog if you want a chance at this marriage. 1
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 You may be angry but your actions speak louder. Nicing her back into the marriage never works. You'd better wake up! It takes two to reconcile and her heads still in the affair. Back off and do the 180 and think if this is really what you want long term. 1
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 You gave her the gift of reconciliation way too quickly and it sounds like way too easily. She lost her lover but she still had her back up Plan B (you) ready and willing to make things work regardless of her actions. No serious consequences = no motivation for her to change. Hell she doesn't even want to show you affection. It takes two people to make a marriage work and when it comes to infidelity the cheater really has to do a lot of heavy lifting. From what you say, she's barely willing to carry a cup of water for her marriage. She should be in individual counseling to figure out why she did what she did before you jump right into marriage counseling. I'd recommend you stop going to marriage counseling at all unless she actually starts to act like she wants to work for her marriage. Again, this is after she does some individual counseling for herself. If you had kicked her out from the start, exposed to all parties involved including your children and both your parents, seen a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn out and put in her face or had her served you'd have a better chance of your wife willing to work on the marriage. Because then she'd truly have to face the consequences of her actions. Instead you're trying to hold her hand, kiss her, still trying to have sex with her, repair the marriage, and keep what she did a secret while she's most likely pining away for her lover and really doesn't want anything to do with you. Your love alone is not enough to fix your marriage no matter how badly you want things to go back to the way they were. And since your children are in their 20s and not little kiddies I suggest you let them know what's going on. My mother informed me and my sister when we were 17 and 15 all about my dad's cheating and the hookers. Guess what? We still love our dad and we didn't fall into the abyss of depression and despair. If anything it gave us a more realistic look at relationships and how to not conduct ourselves in them. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I'm not trying to come off as harsh but after reading through stories like yours for the past 3 years, I can tell you that you're going about this situation entirely the wrong way. You started off strong with threatening the OM and dropping the bomb on your wife but everything else you've done since?? Your wife is either going to run back to that guy, if she hasn't already, is going to cheat with someone else, or is just going to wind up leaving you regardless. Guys who try to instaforgive their cheating wives and dive head first into saving the marriage with no real strategy like you're doing?? Their marriages wind up failing more often than not in the end anyway. The ones who lay down consequences, don't accept Plan B status, expose the affair more often than not have remorseful spouses. Because, as I stated earlier, then they truly see the damage that their actions have caused. Stop with the sex, stop trying to hold her hand, stop trying to kiss her, and stop going full throttle into repairing the marriage all on your own. Have her sleep in another room if she isn't already. Read up on the 180 and start living it. Talk to an attorney, even if it's just to explore your options. Because as long as your wife is in the mental state that you describe, you aren't working on the marriage, you're just living in limbo. Excellent advice. You'd be smart to follow it. 2
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 [After an hour of being somewhat high from the conversation, around midnight I snuck out of party and went outside just before the ball was to drop. My wife, of course, came looking for me. She asked me to come inside, but I told her why would I want to celebrate what is going to be a HORRENDOUS year with her. When she asked why, I dropped the bomb on her. She denied at first, but then I quoted from the texts. She broke down. I had rented her a hotel room to go to that night but she was hysterical, couldn't drive, and her love never showed. So, given she is the mother of my two wonderful kids I felt sorry for her and let her stay that night. I immediately went to a marriage counselor to take of myself and my wife joined me. She has admitted to cheating and apologized, but I have to forgive. The rage is too much right now. Also, she does just the bare minimum when it comes to showing me affection--turns so I can only kiss her cheek, forced conversations, reluctance to talk about the affair. And this weekend given the snow, we had sex. Or at least she did. She lay there like a dead fish and I did all the work--and received no "attention" whatsoever. So, my cherry still hasn't been popped given I last had sex with her a year ago.] No remourse only sorry she got caught. You're bending over backwards for this???? 1
Bryanp Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Get tested for STD's. I have a hunch that your wife knew if she got caught there would be no consequences to her and I guess she was right. She is acting like she is doing you a big favor. Her actions show she has no respect for you whatsoever. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 1
Popsicle Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I'm guessing that most of the time that WS are caught they are in shock and will automatically agree to reconcile due to the sheer shame, humiliation and embarrassment (which are the wrong reasons to R if you ask me). Plus, there's not being prepared for the changes in live that D brings. She has to figure out if she really wants to be in this marriage and wants to reconcile. Hopefully she doesn't have the cake-eater attitude and wants to stay but is just upset that she lost her EXTRA-marital lover. 3
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Bet money they take it underground. Op expose the other man to his wife. She has the right to know just like you do. What if you were being kept in the dark about this? Wouldn't you want to know? 4
Ramius Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Seems like she is just regretful she got caught. She does not give you affection. Lays there like a cold fish. Does not seem to concerned about your feelings. Why again are you keeping her around? Its pretty clear she has checked out of the marriage. 1
drifter777 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Yes, I'm ranting somewhat but I realized that evening when I exposed the affair that I still love her. If I wanted revenge, I could have destroyed her entire life that night. My kids are in their 20s and both idolize her and they would be destroyed by the news. I'm trying to give counseling a chance that way if my marriage truly is over, then I can look them in the face, tell them I was wronged, but still still tried everything I could to save my marriage. Hopefully my wife will respond but who knows. At the very least my life will get better (she's been cool to me for two years now, sex three times in the past four years) either WITH her, or WITHOUT her. Has she given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line yet? If not - be prepared. You seem like the kind of guy who is going to rant and rave and then forgive her and move on. Love & sex isn't everything - you have grown children and have built a life, more or less, together so put all of this behind you. 1
Bufo Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 You agreed to not contact OM wife. A major concession. What dd your wife agree to do or refrain from doing in exchange? Has she: Written and sent a "no contact" letter to OM that was read and approved by you? Agreed to truthfully and fully answer your questions ? Provided you with a written Time line of the A? Open her electronic media to you? Let you have the devices to recover deleted texts and email and search for "cheater " communication apps? Shown any signs of remorse as opposed to regret that the A was discovered? Others will have other suggestions I am sure. But you have managed to set yourself in Limbo where you aren't moving toward healing and have no goal in mind. You can't erase what happened. Your goal should be to get yourself out of a three person marriage. That is move toward R or D/S. Read other posts here. R is hard work and requires two participants. You have at best one (you) even contemplating it now. Until that changes you will continue spinning your wheels. 1
ajaysutton Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I appreciate what Mrs. John Adams had to say, and would echo many of those sentiments. In addition, if this is something you're interested in getting past, then you need to find a way to do just that, and leave it in the past. The longer you dwell on it, the more it will eat you up inside. If reconciliation is what you're wanting, then leave the past behind you and press forward. She knows what she did is wrong. Continuing to bring that up won't solve anything. It's in the past, it can't be changed now. What can be changed is the future, and how your react to it, and respond to it. Great things can still happen in your relationship if you both want them to. It won't be easy, but no one ever promised life would be fair or easy. Either way you go, there's likely a difficult road in front of you. It isn't an enviable position you're in. But you'll be in my prayers. Good luck with this.
strugglinghubby Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 From my perspective there are only four things you need to be doing right now: 1) Talk to someone yourself, you'll need support for yourself first before your marriage 2) Start the 180 immediately 3) Stop being Mr Nice Guy 4) Full disclosure to the other man's wife If points 2 & 3 don't have her changing her behavior towards you remove those points and file for divorce.
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