The "how are you doing?" texts post break up

[RandomTraveller]

A little thought. How many of you received this kinda of text from her/his ex? When they are the ppl who dumped you?

 

I honestly see those kind of short sms like they are just little tests. To see really how you are doing but just cause they want to know if you are in pain, for narcisistics reasons.

 

I mean how stupid is to ask that? You dumped me retarded! How do you think I'm doing?

 

Also if they really want to know how you are doing why they don't call you or try it harder to get in touch with you? Why they prefer randomly asking you that out of the blue?

 

I ignored that text a total of 5 times. Every single week after the BU she sent that: "How are you doing?"

 

Then the last time she blocked me out of anger. Obv she got mad because I didn't replied to her, I didn't beg her to come back, I didn't cry to her again Basically I didn't feed her damn ego.

 

If she really wanted to know how I was she could call me. But she didn't even try to do that once. So it was easy to see the real damn reason.

[jen1447]

The only thing worse than getting those texts is not getting those texts. :-/

[Learningtowalkagain]

How I handle those conversations:

 

Her: How are you doing?

Me: Great! How bout yourself

Her: I'm good blah blah blah

Me: Well it was nice hearing from you, but I'm really busy today, is there something you wanted?

Her: No, I just wanted to see how you were

Me: Oh ok, take care.

[candie13]

How I handle those conversations:

 

Her: How are you doing?

Me: Great! How bout yourself

Her: I'm good blah blah blah

Me: Well it was nice hearing from you, but I'm really busy today, is there something you wanted?

Her: No, I just wanted to see how you were

Me: Oh ok, take care.

. How I handle those conversations: look at the screen, delete contact, go back to the message, delete message. The end.

 

Ok, maybe not the end, i go running for an hour, attend a Body Attack class and punch the boxing sack a couple of times, hard, when no one's Looking :blush:.

[Miss Peach]

I just always assumed people did that to ease their guilt about the breakup. I've been tempted to reach out with exes a few times but I always stopped myself because i really didn't want them back and it wasn't the right thing to potentially stir their emotions.

[candie13]

The only thing worse than getting those texts is not getting those texts. :-/

i disagree... The worst are the passive aggressive texts or those filled with pity, like "hi, are you ok ? I am so sorry I made you cry, but it's for the best... I am sure you will meet someone spécial really soon"!

 

i don't need anyone's pity, what I need is to see him die a slow & painful death!

[mightycpa]

A little thought. How many of you received this kinda of text from her/his ex? When they are the ppl who dumped you?

 

I honestly see those kind of short sms like they are just little tests. To see really how you are doing but just cause they want to know if you are in pain, for narcisistics reasons.

 

I mean how stupid is to ask that? You dumped me retarded! How do you think I'm doing?

 

Also if they really want to know how you are doing why they don't call you or try it harder to get in touch with you? Why they prefer randomly asking you that out of the blue?

 

I ignored that text a total of 5 times. Every single week after the BU she sent that: "How are you doing?"

 

Then the last time she blocked me out of anger. Obv she got mad because I didn't replied to her, I didn't beg her to come back, I didn't cry to her again Basically I didn't feed her damn ego.

 

If she really wanted to know how I was she could call me. But she didn't even try to do that once. So it was easy to see the real damn reason.

You did good. Now she'll drive herself nuts wondering whether you noticed she blocked you or not.

 

BTW, how do you know she blocked your texts?

[RandomTraveller]

You did good. Now she'll drive herself nuts wondering whether you noticed she blocked you or not.

 

BTW, how do you know she blocked your texts?

 

It's easy: when someone blocks you on whatsapp the current avatar of the contact gets replaced by an old one or the one you saved on ur cellphone.

 

When she left me the first thing I did was following a tutorial to change the image on whatsapp.. The problem is that u can change the "zoomed" avatar but not the small one... So you still see the real one in the avatar miniature.

 

After that goodbye from her, the little avatar changed in the image I added via that damn tutorial (a white square)

+ I don't see her status in my contacts list on wp

 

So it's obvious that she blocked me.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she dumped you and was feeling guilty. The one thing about MOST girls, is that they can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a good person. So, she reached out to you to find out if this is the case.

 

 

When you don't respond back, you give her NOTHING. She has no idea where your head is at. She doesn't know if you are angry or sad. She doesn't know if you're happy or crying. She doesn't know if you care or are indifferent. YOU GIVE HER NOTHING! Those texts actually weren't meant for you. They were for her to ease her guilt. If you responded back saying "Oh, I'm fine. How are you?" She could ease her guilt and say, "Oh Look! He's being civil with me! He must not be mad at me!" BAM! You just eased her guilt.

 

 

The rub is, she gave up the right to "Know how you are". It's none of her business. So, now she's mad at you because your not giving her what she wants. So, she blocked you. But, rest assured, she reaching out to mutual friends to get an update about you from them. She'll look to them to ease her guilt from a third party.

[DarkHorizon]

Dude, she dumped you and was feeling guilty. The one thing about MOST girls, is that they can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a good person. So, she reached out to you to find out if this is the case.

 

 

When you don't respond back, you give her NOTHING. She has no idea where your head is at. She doesn't know if you are angry or sad. She doesn't know if you're happy or crying. She doesn't know if you care or are indifferent. YOU GIVE HER NOTHING! Those texts actually weren't meant for you. They were for her to ease her guilt. If you responded back saying "Oh, I'm fine. How are you?" She could ease her guilt and say, "Oh Look! He's being civil with me! He must not be mad at me!" BAM! You just eased her guilt.

 

 

The rub is, she gave up the right to "Know how you are". It's none of her business. So, now she's mad at you because your not giving her what she wants. So, she blocked you. But, rest assured, she reaching out to mutual friends to get an update about you from them. She'll look to them to ease her guilt from a third party.

 

Perfect. Posts like these are INCREDIBLY helpful, Chi townD.

I needed to read this right now. Thank you so much.

[jonesey0]

After 5 months of limited contact, and 2 months of no contact, i got one those texts 3 months ago.

 

I didnt answer it, and havent received anything since. Do i sometimes regret to have ignored it ? Yes.

 

But if that text had any meaning at all to her, she would not give up at the first one.

 

So, in my opinion, they don't mean anything to the person who sends it, just easing guilt or whatever.

[greenleaves54]

Dude, she dumped you and was feeling guilty. The one thing about MOST girls, is that they can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a good person. So, she reached out to you to find out if this is the case.

 

 

When you don't respond back, you give her NOTHING. She has no idea where your head is at. She doesn't know if you are angry or sad. She doesn't know if you're happy or crying. She doesn't know if you care or are indifferent. YOU GIVE HER NOTHING! Those texts actually weren't meant for you. They were for her to ease her guilt. If you responded back saying "Oh, I'm fine. How are you?" She could ease her guilt and say, "Oh Look! He's being civil with me! He must not be mad at me!" BAM! You just eased her guilt.

 

 

The rub is, she gave up the right to "Know how you are". It's none of her business. So, now she's mad at you because your not giving her what she wants. So, she blocked you. But, rest assured, she reaching out to mutual friends to get an update about you from them. She'll look to them to ease her guilt from a third party.

 

My ex sent me a casual message a few months after BU. I simply told her I was fine and wished her good luck. I guess I eased her guilt. But why not? I'm not mad at her for breaking up. We probably weren't meant to be together. She did a service for me, now I have much more time to spend on myself and in finding the real woman of my life. Whatever happens, happens.

 

I guess I don't see the bad thing in easing the dumper's guilt if he/she reaches out once in several months. Given that the break-up was friendly and didn't involve any cheating or such of course. I'd like to believe I'm not playing any games, and that I'm just being polite and being myself and moving on with my life. She's history but I don't mind being civil.

 

Just my two cents.

[DarkHorizon]

I guess I don't see the bad thing in easing the dumper's guilt if he/she reaches out once in several months. Given that the break-up was friendly and didn't involve any cheating or such of course. I'd like to believe I'm not playing any games, and that I'm just being polite and being myself and moving on with my life. She's history but I don't mind being civil.

 

That works when you finally moved on. The whole point of NC is not about taking revenge in any way - it's not about playing games, or increase their guilt. BUT if you are still hurting, those text messages won't help you, and you do need to heal before engaging. If you are not healed yet, the ex might not be playing games, I agree, but your mind will, and it will hurt you just as much.

[greenleaves54]

That works when you finally moved on. The whole point of NC is not about taking revenge in any way - it's not about playing games, or increase their guilt. BUT if you are still hurting, those text messages won't help you, and you do need to heal before engaging. If you are not healed yet, the ex might not be playing games, I agree, but your mind will, and it will hurt you just as much.

 

I meant that I would feel like I'm playing games by ignoring her in order to make her feel frustrated. I'm not sure that's the best road to reach indifference. But I do agree that any small talk until you're fully healed serves 0 purpose. I kept my reply VERY short and to the point.

[Chi townD]

My ex sent me a casual message a few months after BU. I simply told her I was fine and wished her good luck. I guess I eased her guilt. But why not? I'm not mad at her for breaking up. We probably weren't meant to be together. She did a service for me, now I have much more time to spend on myself and in finding the real woman of my life. Whatever happens, happens.

 

I guess I don't see the bad thing in easing the dumper's guilt if he/she reaches out once in several months. Given that the break-up was friendly and didn't involve any cheating or such of course. I'd like to believe I'm not playing any games, and that I'm just being polite and being myself and moving on with my life. She's history but I don't mind being civil.

 

Just my two cents.

 

 

 

Well, it sounds like you've gotten to a point of indifference for yourself pretty quickly. However, a lot of others don't have that luck or luxury. Some people are holding onto hope that their Ex's will come back to them even months later. So, to get breadcrumbs like that can fill some people up with a lot of false hope and they will only get themselves hurt again.

 

 

See, a lot of people are under the impression that if we say NC. Then, we mean NC forever. And that's not true. We stay in NC until we can get to the point of indifference towards our Ex's. Once all romantic feelings are gone for our Ex's and if you feel you're strong enough to enter into a friendship, then by all means! But, not a moment before.

 

 

So, you had an easy break up that was mutual and no hard feelings. But, not everyone has the same experience. There's always a degree of hurt. And to some, devastating hurt. It's going to take them a lot of time to heal from it. But, doing NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life will only heal you faster.

 

 

When we don't respond to breadcrumbs. we aren't doing it to hurt or punish our Ex's. Some break up's are really bad. Some get blindside. Some get left for other people, some are cheated on, some are leaving an abusive relationship. So, when we DON'T ease their guilt by responding to their breadcrumbs, we want them to hold onto that guilt and learn from it. That you can't treat people the way you did and expect folks to be okay with it.

[Holmes85]

RandomTraveller,

 

Those "how you are doing" are a complete and utter waste of your time.

 

If your Ex really cared about your well being, she wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place to begin with.

 

These are all childish games, that some people play, it's mostly out of guilt or to see how you are coping without them, which automatically feeds to their ego.

 

My advice to you would be not to play her childish games and avoid going on a relapse.

 

Treat others the way you would treat yourself, someone who doesn't realise your value and doesn't treat you with respect, isn't someone you want to be with relationship wise or as a friend.

[Neffer]

Its random fleeting guilt. That's all. I have been the dumper, and if you are a decent person, even if the breakup was handled well, you do feel like a bad person. You didn't want to hurt them, but the relationship had to end. I don't/haven't ever dragged it out and pestered. Its just guilt.

 

For some dumpers who have acted badly, I guess there is some ego mixed into the guilt and pity. A "poor them, missing me" sort of thing. That would be the serial dumpers, cheaters etc. To them its ego and a game.

 

Ignoring it is best. Let them feel guilty if they broke up poorly. They deserve it, and pity is not a great feeling to be the focus of. You don't need any of it. NC is a wonderful thing to get rid of all of that.

[greenleaves54]

Well, it sounds like you've gotten to a point of indifference for yourself pretty quickly. However, a lot of others don't have that luck or luxury. Some people are holding onto hope that their Ex's will come back to them even months later. So, to get breadcrumbs like that can fill some people up with a lot of false hope and they will only get themselves hurt again.

 

 

See, a lot of people are under the impression that if we say NC. Then, we mean NC forever. And that's not true. We stay in NC until we can get to the point of indifference towards our Ex's. Once all romantic feelings are gone for our Ex's and if you feel you're strong enough to enter into a friendship, then by all means! But, not a moment before.

 

 

So, you had an easy break up that was mutual and no hard feelings. But, not everyone has the same experience. There's always a degree of hurt. And to some, devastating hurt. It's going to take them a lot of time to heal from it. But, doing NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life will only heal you faster.

 

 

When we don't respond to breadcrumbs. we aren't doing it to hurt or punish our Ex's. Some break up's are really bad. Some get blindside. Some get left for other people, some are cheated on, some are leaving an abusive relationship. So, when we DON'T ease their guilt by responding to their breadcrumbs, we want them to hold onto that guilt and learn from it. That you can't treat people the way you did and expect folks to be okay with it.

 

I'm just trying to trick my brain by thinking (and writing) positive thoughts. Soon my faked indifference will become real, hehe.

 

But yea, while I was dumped out of the blue 4,5 months ago, there wasn't any drama and we have no mutual friends so I was lucky in that respect, and it helped me. When you're still in big pain or they cheated or something nasty like that though - giving the ex the gift of silence is definitely the way to go. As you said, it depends on the break-up and how the dumper handled it.