Bumped into the ex.

[Apparition]

It's only been a day.

 

 

And today I saw her in a store.

 

 

I know she saw me because we literally bumped into each other. Here's what happened;

 

 

So I was going into the store to cash my scratch card winnings and (F.Y.I I have literally had zero hours of sleep since she "dumped", I've been clumsy today as my attention/focus is incredibly distracted) I had my head down while walking into the store because I was counting how much money I had on the scratch cards. I shoved the door with my side-body without looking and as soon as I opened the door, I looked up and there she was. My Ex. Standing right in front of me. I did not know what to do so I held the door open for her (I always do this for people, anyway, including men, I just see it as polite) and she walked right by, pretended like I did not exist.

 

I have to wonder, H O W in the F U C K can someone, ANYONE, pretend like you do not exist when you have such a history together? I'm not asking why, I don't care for that reason. I am asking H O W. Now, I could understand it if someone cheated in the relationship, someone lied, someone was violent towards the other, someone who never showed love, affection, someone who was overall horrible. What on earth goes through their brain to make them behave in such a manner?

 

 

Has this happened to you?

[mightycpa]

She seems to be pretty good at the body language, whereas you don't. Ignoring you was a message about as clear as anyone could make it.

 

You're focused more on the method of delivery of that message than the actual message itself. Would you rather that she looked you in the eye and actually said the words. DON'T TALK TO ME, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

 

Really?

[Apparition]

Mightycpa, that is not what I asked at all.

 

 

I'm asking in general, HOW can someone behave in such a way? The fact of the matter is, MY ex has did this type of thing before (except ignored me) and contacts me days later to tell me she is confused and misses me. I'm not playing games with her so I do not care how my body language speaks. I'm not asking why she did not say anything, I'm not asking why of anything. I'm asking HOW.

[Learningtowalkagain]

I would have said "Hi ______" with a huge smile like you're on top of the world and went about my day. That's what I usually do when I bump into an ex (actually happened last week)

[Satu]

Mightycpa, that is not what I asked at all.

 

 

I'm asking in general, *HOW can someone behave in such a way? The fact of the matter is, MY ex has did this type of thing before (except ignored me) and contacts me days later to tell me she is confused and misses me. I'm not playing games with her so I do not care how my body language speaks. I'm not asking why she did not say anything, I'm not asking why of anything. I'm asking HOW.

 

*People do what they do because of who they are.

 

She's not the person you thought she was.

 

She's the person you bumped into today.

[mightycpa]

So, you already know how she can do it. Whatever happened, to her it is just like you did one of those things you mentioned in your first post. She's that serious, for now.

 

The question is what's her motivation. Is she driven by a determination to shed her feelings, abject hatred or indifference? Not sure, but determination sounds right. So it might be short lived. She's clearly not happy with you.

 

If she softens in a few days and contacts you with some "I miss you" bull**** then you know she's an uncommunicative drama queen for whom you are not ideally suited.

 

I know it's hard, but you should decide to throw this one back into the sea and find another fish.

[Apparition]

Learningtowalkagain, that's what I probably should have done. I didn't really look sad when she saw me, I more or less looked angry and I was because she was there at the store. What does your ex do/say when you smile and say hi?

 

Satu, thank you for that. But do you think perhaps people do not change themselves, they just change how they are towards you? I know for a fact she's the same old person she usually is with everyone else. We have mutual friends and her best female friend is also my close friend, and I know she's doing the same things she usually does. Apparently, I have "hurt" her, um, WTF!? YOU left me.

[RandomTraveller]

It's only been a day.

 

 

And today I saw her in a store.

 

 

I know she saw me because we literally bumped into each other. Here's what happened;

 

 

So I was going into the store to cash my scratch card winnings and (F.Y.I I have literally had zero hours of sleep since she "dumped", I've been clumsy today as my attention/focus is incredibly distracted) I had my head down while walking into the store because I was counting how much money I had on the scratch cards. I shoved the door with my side-body without looking and as soon as I opened the door, I looked up and there she was. My Ex. Standing right in front of me. I did not know what to do so I held the door open for her (I always do this for people, anyway, including men, I just see it as polite) and she walked right by, pretended like I did not exist.

 

I have to wonder, H O W in the F U C K can someone, ANYONE, pretend like you do not exist when you have such a history together? I'm not asking why, I don't care for that reason. I am asking H O W. Now, I could understand it if someone cheated in the relationship, someone lied, someone was violent towards the other, someone who never showed love, affection, someone who was overall horrible. What on earth goes through their brain to make them behave in such a manner?

 

 

Has this happened to you?

 

Still didn't happened to me. I hope it never will cause to me it would be like getting hit by a train.

 

Anyway I honestly think that being polite and saying at least "hi", a smile (even a fake one!), and move on is the right thing to do.

 

Not saying anything by looking into each other eyes is plain stupid. It's awkward already why make it worse? It's just about being polite that's it.

 

I bet my ass that if I run into my ex she will do the same exact thing: look at me and say nothing. Cause she is a really ignorant person.

Anyway I would still say Hi and continue walking, or at least try it.

[Apparition]

Mightycpa, this is why I have stuck by her for four years because the person she used to be (before she was r*ped) was NOTHING like this. After what happened to her, she has so much anger, bitterness, and it's like a layer of thick concrete has covered all her beautiful layers from above to hide them, as though they no longer exist.

 

Is she taking this out on me? Is that what this is?

[Learningtowalkagain]

Learningtowalkagain, that's what I probably should have done. I didn't really look sad when she saw me, I more or less looked angry and I was because she was there at the store. What does your ex do/say when you smile and say hi?

 

Satu, thank you for that. But do you think perhaps people do not change themselves, they just change how they are towards you? I know for a fact she's the same old person she usually is with everyone else. We have mutual friends and her best female friend is also my close friend, and I know she's doing the same things she usually does. Apparently, I have "hurt" her, um, WTF!? YOU left me.

 

Well this last ex we were still communicating somewhat at the time. She actually hit me up an hour later (we work together) and asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. It wasn't a "lets see if we can work this out hang out"...more like a friendship and we love each others company hang out... I declined and wished her well and have been strict NC ever since.

 

When broke up the first time early 2015 EVERYTIME I saw her I'd say "Hi ____" with a huge smile on my face. I could see she was trying not to look at me but I'd say hi anyway. I didn't want any harsh feelings between us. I actually took it a step further and said "Hi _____" to all of her friends with a huge smile too. Lets her know I'm fine with being separated.

 

I used to do the head down frown move too, but that lets the other person know you're grieving, and post break up that means they're winning. It's a game whether we like to admit it or not.

[mightycpa]

Oh, I remember you...you're the yellow mustachio guy.

 

Yeah, that rape ****ed up everything. Think of it this way:

 

You're two pieces of dust, sitting together in a room. Somebody opens the door, enters, and a small gust of wind rearranges the dust. It was unexpected, disruptive and completely out of your control. Now you're apart and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

She's going through a lot of mental **** that she cannot fully understand, surely hasn't dealt with yet. That may take years.

 

Long story short, she got raped, and you are one of the casualties. You cannot fix this, you cannot make her revert to who she was before this. She probably wanted you to respond in a certain way and you didn't. I'm sure she thinks you failed her when she needed you the most, because you didn't do the right thing, whatever that may be. Didn't you say you doubted her? Kiss of death.

 

She was damaged by this and you'll never figure it out. Apparently she's not going to tell you, so you have to a) let it go and b) cut her some slack.

 

I'll say this as gently as I can. Given the fact that she was raped and now you expect her to react rationally to you given that experience, I think that points to a mindset on your part that she can no longer abide. You don't understand her, and she's so terribly disappointed in you because of that, as if you'd done one of those terrible things you first mentioned.

 

That's HOW.

[JDam]

Oh no, Im sorry about that Let me share my experience and show you how cruel exes can be.

 

Yes, it happened to me. If you remember my story my ex dumped me in April via phone. It was really cruel because we almost broke up a week before that but after about a 5 hour long talk he decided to "work on it" (still the break up was out of the blue because I felt he had changed only about 2 weeks before that). However, I was the only person who made the effort and he was really cold to me. Like when I touched his back to hug him he would say "ugh leave me alone". So you can imagine I was really discouraged. Or when I told him I just need to be sure he cares and loves me (basically that I need some assurance that it all makes sense) he said "But it would be just too dishonest". His behavior led to an argument because I just felt really down (because of what I just mentioned) at a lunch with his parents. when I called him about 3 days after that he would not pick up the phone. When he eventually did pick it up he said we are breaking up. I wanted him to come over and collect his stuff later that day. When he came we had the final talk but I could feel that it does not make sense anymore. He was just really cruel and cold. At the end I said "Well, we are just finished. I want you to get out of my life completely. I dont think I could bear seeing you with someone else." And he was like "why are you saying that? To make me stay? yeah, just block me everywhere, it just confirms what I think of you." Then he walked out the door and said "Um, and give me this book. This is my book. As for the other books that I gave you, you can sell them, but I think they are good books."

 

Though it may sound unbelievable I never did anything to him. I did not cheat, I was not jealous, I did not lie etc. I think I was a pretty good girlfriend. I mean, I would always make sure we would have a nice weekend (where we will go, what we will cook, what movies we will watch, what trips we will take etc.). I can be hot tempered and moody sometimes but that is pretty much everything he can say.

 

Anyway, after we broke up he did not even say hello to me in school. We took the same courses so I would see him about once a week. He simply ghosted me, never acknowledged my existence. I mean, Im a woman and dumpee. I should be the one who deserves at least hello, you know? But he is no gentleman. Just an *******. So the last time I talked to him was in April. I felt exactly as you do. I never did anything to him and was ignored anyway.

[Satu]

Learningtowalkagain, that's what I probably should have done. I didn't really look sad when she saw me, I more or less looked angry and I was because she was there at the store. What does your ex do/say when you smile and say hi?

 

Satu, thank you for that. But do you think perhaps people do not change themselves, they just change how they are towards you? I know for a fact she's the same old person she usually is with everyone else. We have mutual friends and her best female friend is also my close friend, and I know she's doing the same things she usually does. Apparently, I have "hurt" her, um, WTF!? YOU left me.

 

Everybody has a behavioural repertoire.

 

Today you saw a part of hers.

 

Not the whole of her, just an item in her repertoire.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Satu

[Apparition]

Oh, I remember you...you're the yellow mustachio guy.

 

Yeah, that rape ****ed up everything. Think of it this way:

 

You're two pieces of dust, sitting together in a room. Somebody opens the door, enters, and a small gust of wind rearranges the dust. It was unexpected, disruptive and completely out of your control. Now you're apart and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

She's going through a lot of mental **** that she cannot fully understand, surely hasn't dealt with yet. That may take years.

 

Long story short, she got raped, and you are one of the casualties. You cannot fix this, you cannot make her revert to who she was before this. She probably wanted you to respond in a certain way and you didn't. I'm sure she thinks you failed her when she needed you the most, because you didn't do the right thing, whatever that may be. Didn't you say you doubted her? Kiss of death.

 

She was damaged by this and you'll never figure it out. Apparently she's not going to tell you, so you have to a) let it go and b) cut her some slack.

 

I'll say this as gently as I can. Given the fact that she was raped and now you expect her to react rationally to you given that experience, I think that points to a mindset on your part that she can no longer abide. You don't understand her, and she's so terribly disappointed in you because of that, as if you'd done one of those terrible things you first mentioned.

 

That's HOW.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I doubted her. I doubted her because of her actions and she wasn't being truthful with me, she admitted that much. My wrong doing was the fact I even thought she could lie about that, and that's my own fault. I made a huge mistake, I told her this, she knew how sorry I was and still am. I worked my ass off to show her how sorry I was once we started speaking. She believed me, she forgave me, we had a few months together where we got closer than ever before and for the first time she let me touch her, and I am not talking just sex, I mean hug her without her flinching. We spoke of having sex before we even tried because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and it was HER idea. She told me she wanted me one night. I told her I wanted her, too. She said, "sexually?". It went from there and we had a wonderful time together, just like old times. So if that is her reason for NOW "dumping" me, well, I just don't believe it because that was then

and this was now. It makes zero sense.

 

You know why all this started? Her reason for not wanting to speak to me? It's because I asked her when we were discussing one of her old guy friends, IF she was the one who told me he was bisexual. Someone told me the guy was bisexual and I felt bad because he wasn't and It was a meaningless conversation we were having. She got upset because I simply said, "I thought it was you who told me, now I can't remember who it was". She flew off the handle, OVER SOMETHING SO SMALL AND STUPID. That was one of my true "WTF" moments from her because W T F ?

 

I do not expect anything from her, man. Before we agreed to even test the waters, she asked me not to hurt her and I asked her to do the same. We both agreed and she said she would forever be with me, even if it's just as a friend because she "loves" me, as long as I do not hurt her like I did before and I haven't. I can cut her slack, absolutely. I do not hate her. I do not resent her in any way, the only thing I dislike is that we were so close and something very...small...could trigger her to behave like this towards me. It doesn't even add up why she got upset over that which is why I am C O N F U S E D.

 

Listen, I love this woman with all my being, right? And many people come on this website and say the exact same thing, but I do. I don't love her for the way she makes me feel because right now she makes me feel like sh*t. I love her because the woman I fell in love with was a very gentle, kind, passionate, intelligent, hilarious woman that I clicked with so damn well on multiple levels. I love her because even if she had no arms, no legs, no damn mouth to speak, a complete mute forever who could not even look at me who resembled the elephant man I would sure as hell still think she was a beautiful person. No matter how ugly her behaviour can be I still think she's a beautiful person and I still love her. Sure, I could stick with my NC and move on, for whatever move on means but I know for sure my heart will forever hold a special place for her and that's MY love for her. I probably made the worst mistake of my life doubting her and that's something I have to live with. But you know what? I had hoped she was lying. I had hoped it was all a lie and none of it was true because that would have been better, anything would have been better than that. Even as a person who hasn't suffered that trauma but has to watch a loved one go through it, it's the worst pain you can imagine. And not only did I hurt her with that doubt, but I hurt myself. I was less of a man for it. But, I do forgive myself because she did.

 

Thank you for your insight.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

"Falling in love seems much, but is little.

 

The slow discipline of love seems little, but is much."

[Apparition]

Well this last ex we were still communicating somewhat at the time. She actually hit me up an hour later (we work together) and asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. It wasn't a "lets see if we can work this out hang out"...more like a friendship and we love each others company hang out... I declined and wished her well and have been strict NC ever since.

 

When broke up the first time early 2015 EVERYTIME I saw her I'd say "Hi ____" with a huge smile on my face. I could see she was trying not to look at me but I'd say hi anyway. I didn't want any harsh feelings between us. I actually took it a step further and said "Hi _____" to all of her friends with a huge smile too. Lets her know I'm fine with being separated.

 

I used to do the head down frown move too, but that lets the other person know you're grieving, and post break up that means they're winning. It's a game whether we like to admit it or not.

 

 

That makes sense. You shouldn't change who you are just because of them and smiling and being polite would obviously be a natural thing to do, so why change it? I wouldn't do it to be spiteful or game-play, that's just not my way, but I can see what you're saying. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

Oh no, Im sorry about that Let me share my experience and show you how cruel exes can be.

 

Yes, it happened to me. If you remember my story my ex dumped me in April via phone. It was really cruel because we almost broke up a week before that but after about a 5 hour long talk he decided to "work on it" (still the break up was out of the blue because I felt he had changed only about 2 weeks before that). However, I was the only person who made the effort and he was really cold to me. Like when I touched his back to hug him he would say "ugh leave me alone". So you can imagine I was really discouraged. Or when I told him I just need to be sure he cares and loves me (basically that I need some assurance that it all makes sense) he said "But it would be just too dishonest". His behavior led to an argument because I just felt really down (because of what I just mentioned) at a lunch with his parents. when I called him about 3 days after that he would not pick up the phone. When he eventually did pick it up he said we are breaking up. I wanted him to come over and collect his stuff later that day. When he came we had the final talk but I could feel that it does not make sense anymore. He was just really cruel and cold. At the end I said "Well, we are just finished. I want you to get out of my life completely. I dont think I could bear seeing you with someone else." And he was like "why are you saying that? To make me stay? yeah, just block me everywhere, it just confirms what I think of you." Then he walked out the door and said "Um, and give me this book. This is my book. As for the other books that I gave you, you can sell them, but I think they are good books."

 

Though it may sound unbelievable I never did anything to him. I did not cheat, I was not jealous, I did not lie etc. I think I was a pretty good girlfriend. I mean, I would always make sure we would have a nice weekend (where we will go, what we will cook, what movies we will watch, what trips we will take etc.). I can be hot tempered and moody sometimes but that is pretty much everything he can say.

 

Anyway, after we broke up he did not even say hello to me in school. We took the same courses so I would see him about once a week. He simply ghosted me, never acknowledged my existence. I mean, Im a woman and dumpee. I should be the one who deserves at least hello, you know? But he is no gentleman. Just an *******. So the last time I talked to him was in April. I felt exactly as you do. I never did anything to him and was ignored anyway.

 

Thanks for this, I enjoyed reading your experience and it helps when someone can relate. I feel like when the dumper finally dumps you and it's time to grieve, they have sort of lost respect for you in a way and no longer recognize you as a human being with emotions just like them. It's as though we are alien to them. I have never broke up with someone I love and never could because I couldn't bring myself to leave a person I love and want to be with.

 

 

 

 

Everybody has a behavioural repertoire.

 

Today you saw a part of hers.

 

Not the whole of her, just an item in her repertoire.

 

 

 

Satu, you're sort of a wise guy and you remind me of a book of prose. I like your style and your words. You have a way with words.

[basil67]

My gut feeling upon reading this was that you'd done something to really upset her - because her actions make sense if they come from a place of hatred.

 

Then I read that this is the girl you accused of lying about being raped. Yep - that will product the kind of hatred required to ignore you like this. Even if it was talked over in the past and you think she'd gotten over it, it's a thing which can't be unsaid and could fester away inside her.

 

I know this isn't the answer you want - but at least it's an explanation.

[Apparition]

basil67, I don't believe that, and it's not because I want to not believe it, it's just because I know her well enough to know when I've done something wrong that upsets her. She was literally begging me just a couple days before this never to leave her no matter what happens. And how she will always love me.

 

So, no, I don't think it's that. I'm not going to pay for something I have been forgiven for. It's in the past. She's not the sort of person to hate anyone, not even the person who r*ped her. She's a very forgiving person, sometimes too forgiving for her own good. Anyway, I am not going to comment on what I did before if it's brought up again.