TMonkey Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Hi everyone. I"ve been browsing this site for some time now and just joined. First, I think this site is pretty cool, and it's good to feel how strong some people are. I have been in and out of a disastrous relationship for most of the last year. We started long distance. It was incredibly romantic, and very fun to call and email. However, she had a boyfriend, and was cheating on him with me when I would come into town. She would renounce me often in favor of him only to call me again and say she missed me. She said she loved me, and was quite passionate and strong about it. When I returned to the US it heated up. The problems began immediately. she took her time breaking up with the other guy, and would never commit to me, saying it's to soon for a new relationship (fair enough). We would have very romantic weekends, followed almost immediately by her pulling away and say she doesn't want to be serious. We fought, made up, laughed and had sex, then she would dissappear again. I work with her, as does this other guy. Seeing him in the hallways is awkward, he understandably wants to kill me. Plus she avoids me at work religously, as she says she does not want work and personal lives to mix. She doesn't talk to him (so she says) and actually bad mouthed him quite badly to me. She has broken things off with me several times, even not contacting me for weeks, only to reappear and say she wants to hang out again. Which invariably leads to sex and me feeling intimate for her. She would never take me out with other people she knew. She would never let me over to her apartment. I know what everyone here will say, do no contact (we have now for two months) and move on. But I have some serious questions: Why did she always have such a great time with me, and then immediately reject the whole situation? Was she faking it? Can something this disatrous and painful ever be redeemed? Am I just a giant loser for believing in our connection and letting her set the agenda? Was ANY of her affection real? Why the **** can't I get this girl out of my mind? Is it because I can't have her? She was incredibly personable and charming, very funny and intelligent, and ridiculously sweet and affectionate with me. But the minute we left I felt like she was off scouting other prospects etc. Is karma real? does nayone now of someone getting theirs? I know I have been pretty bad to some women in the past, so I'm getting mine now. I KNOW this girlis a disaster. She has treated men like **** for years. Yet I literally cannot get her out of my head. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. And yet I'd take her back in a second.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 1. Why did she always have such a great time with me, and then immediately reject the whole situation? Was she faking it? 2. Can something this disatrous and painful ever be redeemed? 3. Am I just a giant loser for believing in our connection and letting her set the agenda? 4. Was ANY of her affection real? 1. Because the 'good time' only lasts as long as its convenient for her and its confined only to the time where you and she are experiencing that good time. When she gets what she wants from the situation, she doesn't want to drag that 'good time' into her everyday dealings, or be inconvenienced by your need for more. 2. Not with her, no. It doesn't sound like you'll ever get farther with her than you already have. Once you set yourself up to be used, then used is pretty much all you'll ever be by that person. From her point of view: Why get entangled into a relationship you don't want, when you can just have the good parts any time you want them? 3. No. I feel really bad for you in your situation. My friend R. is in the exact same situation. His heart is a mess, because he mistakes all those 'good times' for something they aren't. He sees 'hopeful signs for a future' in every situation in which he is used. The only guaranteed future is his next 'good time' and that's only if he makes it as easy as possible for her to experience it. He cannot understand that having someone use you like that DOES NOT mean they are in love with you. You are an 'emotional happy meal' in the 'romance drive through' - quick, convenient, fun. You are already out of sight/out of mind as soon as she finishes up with you. 4. Only at the time you and she were experiencing it.
Author TMonkey Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Thanks LB, I appreciate your directness. And I thin your comments are mostly right. I am used to setting the tempo in relationships, and have really just gotten a taste of what it's like on the other side, and I don't like it. If there is to be any future with this girl, we have to completly break and start again, with new boundaries and acceptable behavior. Your very astute btw. I have read several of your posts.
Sal Paradise Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 1) Faking the good times? No. Leading you on? Yes. She enjoyed being with you but she didn't love you. She used you. She used her boyfriend as well. She is a user and abuser. She uses, abuses and then drops for something new. 2) Probably not. It does sometimes happen but its usually only after years of being this way. Don't waste your life on this worthless *****. 3) No you're not a loser, you're weak and you were thinking with the wrong head. But you're also to blame for what happened. You helped her cheat on her boyfriend. In his eyes (and rightfully so) you got what you deserved. You shouldn't be shocked that someone who cheated on her boyfriend with someone he works with, and treated him with total disregard, you shouldn't be suprised that this person would turn around and do it to you. Bad people do bad things, in the future avoid people who are bad. And don't get involved with someone who is in a relationship. Think of how much she hurt you and imagine how the other guy feels. Yes she would of cheated anyways even if it wasn't with you, but why lower yourself to her pathetic standards? 4) In a sexual sense? Yes. In an emotional sense? Not entirely. She enjoyed your company when it convenienced her but she didn't love you in any way, shape, or form. She loved having sex with you. But thats about the extent of her love. She isn't capable of really loving someone.
SoleMate Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 You already have some clear and correct (IMO) answers to your questions, so I won't repeat them. I'll answer a question that I saw as implicit (or maybe I just imagined it), which is, "Once I recover from this hurtful relationship, how will I ever build a relationship that brings me the same kind of joy as the good times, but without the nasty lows of rejection and betrayal?" Interested? Then here's how: 1) Get to know a young woman WELL before having sex with her - that way you don't get so attached and give your heart away before you are sure that she will handle it caringly 2) Never start a r/s with someone who is cheating - it puts the odds against you right from the start 3) If/when you break rule #2, make sure to drop her after the 2nd yoyo bounce at the latest 4) Don't have affairs at work 5) Realize that someone who badmouths her bf would probably badmouth anybody 6) Avoid a woman is so logically inconsistent that "...she says she does not want work and personal lives to mix..." and yet has (at least) two current sex partners at her place of employment If all of the above is too confusing, then just remember this simple rule: WHEN WORDS AND ACTIONS ARE IN CONFLICT, LOOK AT THE ACTIONS. For instance, if she would never let you into her apartment, life, friendships, or even acknowledge you in any way, her actions are saying, "YOU'RE NOT PART OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE - OTHER THAN WHEN MY BF IS BEING DIFFICULT AND/OR I FEEL LIKE JERKING YOUR CHAIN". Put that strong, wordless statement against her spoken words of love, and I hope you see that the actions are meaningful, the words are not. Good luck, follow NC plus distraction with activities, and the pain will lessen. Also get busy looking for a new job so you can be effective at NC.
Author TMonkey Posted June 15, 2005 Author Posted June 15, 2005 Sal and Solemate, good replies. Thanks. But to Solemate specifically, yes, those are great rules to follow. It is INCREDIBLY difficult for me (usually a very logical and intelligent person) to believe the extent of this... what do you call it, deception? Misrepresentation? It felt real because, really why would someone put so much effort into such a sham? I can't ever see myself building something up so well knowing it was all a game. I guess people like that are beyond me. what a colossal waste of time. Yes, actions are everything. they are the only things that matter. Words are ridiculously cheap, and are thrown about with careless abandon all the time. But damn, my logic still doesn't work. Knowing all the above still doesn't stop me wanting her back. This isn't love, it's some powerful obsession that's worked itself into my head and grabbed hold. Surgery is needed at some point. In fact, isn't that what most of this site is about? Obsession, not love. Love doesn't torture this much.
Sal Paradise Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 A lot of the people on here do seem to be obsessed. Seems to be an epidemic of guys posting lately thinking if they remain friends with their ex who treated em like total **** everything will work out. And I agree its not really based in love, its mostly based on a form of obsession. Many of them don't want to hear the truth that its over. They want any crumb the ex will give em.
SoleMate Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 It felt real because...why would someone put so much effort into such a sham? I can't ever see myself building something up so well knowing it was all a game. You wouldn't do it...I wouldn't do it...lots of people WOULDN'T do what she did. Probably because we do look at our behavior every now and then and when it starts to tend towards the ridiculous, we modify it. Your error was in judging this girl's behavior by your own standards and line of reasoning. Again, avoidable if you step back BEFORE getting involved and ask yourself objectively, "Does this person operate the same way as me...or not?" Also, to be fair, I don't think she was strictly "shamming". I doubt if she was deliberately focussed on deceiving you as her prime goal. (It was only a secondary goal. ) Her prime goal was grabbing whatever she wanted at the moment, and doing whatever it took to accomplish that. ...my logic still doesn't work...Knowing all the above still doesn't stop me wanting her back. This isn't love, it's some powerful obsession that's worked itself into my head and grabbed hold. Surgery is needed at some point. Yes, that's right. You are experiencing the powerful force known as human pair bonding, which is often very much enhanced by sexual relations. Your physical activities caused pleasure chemicals (oxytocin and dopamine, I believe) to be produced in your body, thanks to your brain and 1+ million years of humanoid evolution. Those chemicals are way stronger than the cultural construct we call "logical reasoning", and they create an effect that easily appears as "obsession". In fact, maybe it is the DEFINITION of obsession. Psychic surgery does not require a knife, it requires NO CONTACT and DISTRACTION. The chemicals will fade in 6-12 weeks, as long as you go strict NC - which involves getting a new job BTW.
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