wmacbride Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 this is more of a vent than anything else. My H had a brief affair more than 6 years ago. We've moved on, and for the most part, I don't think about it all that much anymore, except in passing. However, there are parts of it that still really can ignite anger, irritation and annoyance in me, even after all this time. This usually happens when something triggers things. we talk about it, and most of the time, I feel better. he's also told me that it helps him, as we can talk about it calmly and rationally, and actually discuss it without all the raw emotion. A friend of mine found out her H has been having a 5 year long A, and they have separated. It her description of what her H has done and said brought back a lot of what my H did and said. One thing that I still find especially galling and difficult to understand is how, when he was cheating, he did the "I love you but I am not in love with you" thing, and said he wasn't happy with me anymore. This was just maybe a week or two after him telling me how happy he was and how well things we going for us. He wouldn't tell me what he thought the problems were ,and even asked me to write out the reasons why I thought he might be unhappy " to see if I understood him". Is it just me, or was that incredibly jerky? I don't know why, but that really sticks in my mind and has been hard to shake. I don't hold it against him, as that would not be fair to do after all this time, and even he had said it was a stupid thing to have said and done, but still. If you have been a bs who reconciled some time ago, do you still feel ticked off sometimes about what happened, or specific things that your ws said ? If so, what were they? I'm hoping that I am not alone in this. 1
TX-SC Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 The primary reason is that they are trying to minimize and justify their affair by saying that they had fallen out of love with you. It makes them feel better about what they did and it justifies (in their own mind) what they did. If they can convince themselves that their marriage was a mustake, then they can ease some of their own pain and sooth their conscience. For some reason, it seems that cheating wives use that a LOT. 5
M1ke12 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 My wife is currently doing the same. It friggin hurts and is definately twisting the knife. Just a month ago we could talk forever even after 22 years. I'm destroyed. So sad all the time. And her affair was one encounter and a series of texts over a week. Even happens with short affairs. 4
dichotomy Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) If you have been a bs who reconciled some time ago, do you still feel ticked off sometimes about what happened, or specific things that your ws said ? If so, what were they? I'm hoping that I am not alone in this. Yes even after 10 years- I get ticked off fairly regularly (probably 1-2 times a month) when she mentions other peoples affairs or marriage problems in critical way, gives her views or feelings or jokes about sex, when I can see she still does not understand how this changed me and the marriage and says "we are so lucky and happy" as if to reassure herself that's how we both feel. Whew... that was a vent. Ok - thinking positive now... .things are better all these years later, and I am happy my efforts and patience have made them happen. Edited January 26, 2016 by dichotomy 5
ShatteredLady Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 My H A/EA "I love you but I'm not in love with you!" - Yes!! "We haven't been happy for years"....."All that nice stuff I said & did before the A started was just me 'faking it'. Really wasn't happy" "If you love me you would know what to do. I can't tell you what you do wrong or what I need from you because if I did you would do it just because I told you & NOT because you love me!" The last one drove me insane!! For the first about 6 months I didn't know there was an OW. My H made me feel like I was scum. Everything was wrong & he was choosing if he wanted to stay with me or not. He swore that there wasn't another woman. He was VERY adamant on the subject. I felt like I was on trial. If I could only do the 'right' thing I could save my family & my marriage. It has broken me. We are reconciled. Apparently "All that is behind us know". I still get these horrible panic attacks & feel desperately depressed. It's just horrible. I don't know how long it takes for this to go away. The first time, 12 years ago it did completely go. I mean it might occasionally cross my mind if something happened but that A was before we had kids & many family events. I thought of it as something stupid he did in the past, when we were young. I don't know what could happen to make it fade this time. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I certainly said some horrible things to John...as the years have gone by I have forgotten some of the things I said. Several years ago I asked him to write them down for me... He did.. Three pages worth. I have them saved in a file. Every now and then I read it just to remind me of what I had become... And how far I have come. I never want to forget what I am capable of... I never want to go there again. I will say... Once in a while I say something... And I see the hurt cross his face... We talk about it then... And often it was the way he took it rather than the way I said it. Regardless.. I still caused the hurt. We all sometimes talk before we think... Especially those of us who are self absorbed at the moment. Betrayed spouses are also capable of saying hurtful things.... We should all be mindful of what we say ... The troubles with words... Once they have been said they can't be taken back. 4
minimariah Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 A friend of mine found out her H has been having a 5 year long A, and they have separated. does she know about your H's A...? are your friend & her husband divorcing or will they try to reconcile...? do you feel comfortable and confident offering her advice? One thing that I still find especially galling and difficult to understand is how, when he was cheating, he did the "I love you but I am not in love with you" thing, and said he wasn't happy with me anymore. This was just maybe a week or two after him telling me how happy he was and how well things we going for us. i understand. being THAT blindsided is horrible. it's unbelievable, like dealing with two different people... & you wonder what else was a lie and it's an never ending black hole of doubts. my xH did a very similar thing to me; it was all roses and he was full of affection and love and then BOOM... i found out about the A. suddenly, he was confused, couldn't explain himself and also asked ME to name the reasons our relationship failed. it's one of the most fascinating things; how someone can show affection and passion for you, assure you that they're there for you... only to change their tune a week or so later - how convincing they are... it's appalling. i think it's normal to feel the way you do & to wonder. 1
Whoknew30 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 It was jerky but personally I think the "I'm not in love with you" is the worst! That takes a very strong person to forgive that...my husband & I did & said many things we had to forgive each other for & we did but I don't think I could have ever forgiven him saying that. I'm happy for you that you were that strong & you two are happy now...it's always good to see a marriage that made it 1
dichotomy Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 "I love you but I am not in love with you" ... is a classic. But - How about hearing or learning " I can love more than one person at a time" or "Just because your having affairs does not mean you don't love your spouse". Ugh... Yes lots of things stick with you. 2
road Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 "I love you but I am not in love with you" ... is a classic. stickS with you. I remember that as if it was said yesterday and those words made no sense. I do, but, I don't. What? 1
Author wmacbride Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 It's almost as if there is some sort of handbook that people who cheat read and use the same lines from it. I asked him once to explain what he meant by that, and he told me that he really didn't know, but at the time, it felt like a way of excusing his behavior to himslef. 2
jnel921 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 It's been over 3 years now since R and I had an issue with the opposite. My H telling me that he Never stopped loving me throughout his brief A. I have always felt that love brings your a$$ home so how could love make you do this? These things don't upset me like before and I don't try to rationalize anything either. I truly believe there are flaws with our WS that convince them that this behavior is ok. They need to feel justified to do this or to convince you and I that the relationship is in some kind of trouble or not. I guess that depends on the WS intention. In my H's case the A was to be brief and over and he wasn't going to leave me or our family for the OW. I am sure that would have been a dealbreaker for me. If he told me he didn't love me I would have went forward with a D. When you R you need something to work with. Knowing his love was there was what I felt was important. If you both are in a better place and he genuinely loves you then that's good. But if you need your H to explain why he said that to you, you need to have a conversation with him and tell him how this makes you feel to know that at one point he claimed to have no love. Which is serious. Hopefully he can make you feel better about this. Good Luck to you. 2
waterwoman Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 It's been over 3 years now since R and I had an issue with the opposite. My H telling me that he Never stopped loving me throughout his brief A. ...... In my H's case the A was to be brief and over and he wasn't going to leave me or our family for the OW. I am sure that would have been a dealbreaker for me. If he told me he didn't love me I would have went forward with a D. When you R you need something to work with. Knowing his love was there was what I felt was important. Same here. Although it hurt that he 'loved' her for a while. if he had ever told me he didn't love me at any point I would have struggled massively. What would be the point?
portwine Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 The primary reason is that they are trying to minimize and justify their affair by saying that they had fallen out of love with you. It makes them feel better about what they did and it justifies (in their own mind) what they did. If they can convince themselves that their marriage was a mustake, then they can ease some of their own pain and sooth their conscience. For some reason, it seems that cheating wives use that a LOT. This is so spot on true! I encountered the same thing with a married woman whom I was seeing from many, many years. The justification for her wayward actions were rather shallow, and I shared my opinion with her on many occasions. Some women have this uncanny ability to justify their actions by redirecting the blame for their actions on the marriage, or husband, but they refuse to take a poop and get off the pot; they are serial cake eaters and justify and compartmentalize their actions in order to meet their narcissistic agenda. The recurring theme that I heard coming out of her mouth was this notion that her marriage had run its course and became a humdrum arrangement because of her husband's inattentiveness. This was a bunch BS since I was able to deduce that SHE was the selfish inattentive one with the mindset of a rolling stone. She was master at assuaging her actions by blaming everything on the husband....
Midwestmissy Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 "But I never told her I loved her! I told her I was never going to leave you for her! She was a distraction, free p**** at work." Charming man. This was supposed to somehow make me feel better about the whole thing. I also got "I never stopped loving you." Ew.
Recommended Posts