Author eli9996 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 That's what I believe might be the case. I am going to post something from the perspective of someone with anxiety and that is that not every guy can handle it. It's something you have to work on together. Not everyone is mentally strong enough to be partnered with someone with an anxious disposition. He seems to be the type to avoid issues, which then makes you even more anxious. He'll be emotionally affected by his father's death even though he doesn't mention it so he might feel that it's a lot for him to handle at this time and he just needs space to think about things. I have Anxiety myself and I have completed a course of CBT for it. This was really effective in altering some of my thinking patterns. If you talk to a counselor and take CBT, you may figure out what triggers your anxious thoughts in the first place and learn to slow down your thinking so you become less reactionary when you feel anxious. It's not just dealing with the anxious thoughts, it's having emotional self-control. I'm a lot more controlled now and it makes all aspects of my life so much easier. However I also know that my brain is wired in such a way that I will always have periods where I feel a lot of anxiety. I know this because I will have dips in my mood every so often and lots of ups and downs. I've just gotten out of another rut recently where I had interrupted sleep for 2 or 3 months solid with night terrors. It's starting to go away now, thankfully. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have made strides but some of the anxiety is just part of me. I think the best action is to give him space and to be kind to yourself. Then just know that everything will be okay whatever happens. Try to have a clear mind when you get to talk to him (let him re-initiate the conversation). I've learned to deal okay (for the most part) with my anxiety but I discovered that I'm incompatible with the type of guy who doesn't deal with things head on and instead prefers to bury himself away and pretend it isn't happening. I had a boyfriend like that and I just felt unsafe and unsupported. We were just too different and I knew I needed a stronger guy. I have a good male friend who just gives it to my straight even when I don't want to hear it and that helps me get out of the mood dips I find myself in. I'm aware of CBT haven't done it myself but it is something thats been recommended to me before (my mother is a CBT therapist) and I do practice mindfulness to slow my thinking down and that really is helping I agree with you that it isn't perfect but he's only resistant and held back when I get worked up over issues surrounding us, when I've had a bad day and I've been really stressed because of college or whatever he is always happy to listen and talks to me about it gives me company and really shows his concern. He really does make me feel better, I know I can always rely on him for support. I think I was over exaggerating the clash of our personalities but it's only really apparent in the problems between us and he has opened up to me a lot about his past with really bad relationships and I do feel secure and supported by him.
Author eli9996 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 That's what I believe might be the case. I am going to post something from the perspective of someone with anxiety and that is that not every guy can handle it. It's something you have to work on together. Not everyone is mentally strong enough to be partnered with someone with an anxious disposition. He seems to be the type to avoid issues, which then makes you even more anxious. He'll be emotionally affected by his father's death even though he doesn't mention it so he might feel that it's a lot for him to handle at this time and he just needs space to think about things. I have Anxiety myself and I have completed a course of CBT for it. This was really effective in altering some of my thinking patterns. If you talk to a counselor and take CBT, you may figure out what triggers your anxious thoughts in the first place and learn to slow down your thinking so you become less reactionary when you feel anxious. It's not just dealing with the anxious thoughts, it's having emotional self-control. I'm a lot more controlled now and it makes all aspects of my life so much easier. However I also know that my brain is wired in such a way that I will always have periods where I feel a lot of anxiety. I know this because I will have dips in my mood every so often and lots of ups and downs. I've just gotten out of another rut recently where I had interrupted sleep for 2 or 3 months solid with night terrors. It's starting to go away now, thankfully. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have made strides but some of the anxiety is just part of me. I think the best action is to give him space and to be kind to yourself. Then just know that everything will be okay whatever happens. Try to have a clear mind when you get to talk to him (let him re-initiate the conversation). I've learned to deal okay (for the most part) with my anxiety but I discovered that I'm incompatible with the type of guy who doesn't deal with things head on and instead prefers to bury himself away and pretend it isn't happening. I had a boyfriend like that and I just felt unsafe and unsupported. We were just too different and I knew I needed a stronger guy. I have a good male friend who just gives it to my straight even when I don't want to hear it and that helps me get out of the mood dips I find myself in. its also really good to hear you have been able to deal with your anxiety and thank you for your advice
kendahke Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 i agree and im in the process of getting help now, i just dont think its all down to my anxiety at the same time No, actually is it. You've got a lot of work you need to be doing on yourself. You don't have this under control and he can't be there 24/7 to hold your hand when you have a bad day. You have to develop your own coping mechanisms--that's not his responsibility. It's yours. i would like it if he stepped up a bit and did a couple of the things i suggest and see how it goes but he seems resistant to that and I dont see how else it will get better That's because he understands that this is your part to lift, not his. He gets that until you do step up, nothing he does will be to your satisfaction. The goal posts are always going to be moved depending upon what set you off. It will get better when you stop looking to him to rescue you from your nadir every time something doesn't go your way.
Arieswoman Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Elli9996, "My boyfriend is quite a closed off person, avoids conflict, doesn't tell me when things I do bother him until way after when I can tell somethings up and have to ask repeatedly after being told it doesn't matter and I am being silly. (this only feeds my anxiety in my opinion, I do wish he would be more straight up with me)." As others have said, the two of you have different communication styles. However, before you deal with this you need to work on your own anxiety. I am always suspicious of people that are emotionally closed off after being married for 8 years (now divorced) to someone who exhibited such traits. Repressors -- Going Through Life with an Emotional Flat Line Except for Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka Take care x
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