How do we communicate better? Boyfriend unhappy because I get upset a lot

[eli9996]

Sorry this is a little long but I'd appreciate any advice on how to communicate better and how to resolve this situation.

 

We have been together a year now, we love each other and get on like two peas in a pod, I'm 19 and he's 21.

Ive suffered from anxiety for a long time and I was depressed for a while during our relationship but I’ve been feeling okay for a few months now and things keep getting better for me. My boyfriends father passed away early on in the relationship suddenly and unexpectedly, he’s at university and managed to carry on with his degree. I am quite an emotional person, if something bothers me slightly I feel as if I've got to say it and sort it out so it doesn't linger with me and I don't over think it turning it into something its not. My boyfriend is quite a closed off person, avoids conflict, doesn't tell me when things I do bother him until way after when I can tell somethings up and have to ask repeatedly after being told it doesn't matter and I am being silly. (this only feeds my anxiety in my opinion, I do wish he would be more straight up with me). I have a lot of respect for him, he’s level headed, managed to push himself through his struggles and not let his grades suffer as a result.

 

For me the relationship is good, I’m dealing with my anxiety problems and I know it can still cause problems when I’m having a bad day, I pick up on little things he says does and want reassurance about them, when he does not give that to me I can get myself in a bit of a rut where I’m seeking reassurance and he doesn't want to/know how to give it to me and it becomes a bigger problem than it started with.

 

For example, I will come out with something like why don’t I ever see your friends, I see one of his best friends quite regularly at the cinema which is nice and met a couple friends on a night out but apart from that I haven’t met any of his other friends and I would like it if he spent more time with mine. He says its because of work, doesn't want to come on nights out cos he’s always working the next day but he does go out a lot with his own friends. I am also in the same friendship group as my ex so I don't get on his case too much about that. He gets frustrated when I ask these kinds of questions and doesn't take me seriously. I don’t get the reassurance I was looking for and get upset at his resistance or inability to calm me down and comfort me.

 

I understand his frustration, my anxiety makes me feel on edge and a bit paranoid and I can raise annoying issues like “why don't you compliment me” “who’s that girl you’re texting” (he does have a lot of friend that are girls that I don't know and he makes out like I'm being ridiculous for being a bit jealous or even just curious). I think he just doesn't know when to take me seriously and it leaves him feeling down when we argue where as I feel better after I've got something off my chest. When I say argue we don't shout and I don't tend to get angry it’s more of a conflict. He can get a bit grumpy and shut down and not contribute to the conversation much.

 

We don’t talk about his dads death much, I tried to connect with him about it but he likes being independent but he knows I'm always here for him, I think when he talks about it it upsets him more. He’s the type of person to get on with life and accept it which is great and I’m definitely going to take parts of that into my outlook on life. I do think however it’s all getting too much for him for him to just get on with life at the moment, he expected things to get easier over time and they're not unfortunately.

 

He told me last night which felt completely out of nowhere for me that he isn't happy and he doesn't know what to do about us because the arguments get him really down and that he isn't coping well with his dad, he loves me but when we argue it gets him in a mood for a few days and makes everything a lot harder. We still laugh together lots and have so much fun I think he's feeling very negative about a lot at the moment.

 

I wish I could be the type of person to brush everything off, not be bothered about the little things when I have moments of anxiety. He wants to work on it and I know he cares a lot about me a lot he just has difficulty showing it when things get tough.

 

What do we do? I know we need to get better at communicating. Maybe I make out like the problems I have with him are huge and the end of the world when they are relatively small in my head. How do I get my point across without upsetting him or knocking his confidence? Feel like we are going in circles, I think we'd argue a lot less if he made small changes here and there to make me feel more valued and loved but he doesn't seem to think so.

 

He is a great person and I love him so much and want the best for him, I would do anything to make him happy and would love if I could help him deal with his problems and he has helped me deal with mine.

[smackie9]

There is no magic bullet....anxiety issues need to be addressed with a therapist and could take years. This isn't just about how to use words, this is about controlling your emotions and changing the way your brain works.

[Wewon]

How do you communicate problems with others?

 

Do you also contribute to lightening the mood, bringing up pleasant things or otherwise relieving some of the stress?

 

It sounds like there is a little of both contributing to this problem. You bring up issues and he needs to remember that you have anxiety problems.

 

A generic answer is that there needs to be a level of empathy for how you impact each other emotionally. A lot of his reaction may also stem from feeling that his plate is full and now he's getting "one more thing".

[Satu]

Get yourself into therapy.

 

It will set you up for a good life.

 

 

Take care.

[eli9996]

I do try to lighten the mood sometimes but he has said it confuses him more when im fine after an argument and he is the one thats suffering by being in a mood for days after ect

 

maybe I should try it during the conflict to make it come across as less of an issue

 

I can be a bit full on until I feel like I've been properly listened to and I agree with the fact it is 'one more thing' for him. I try to see things from his side but I feel like its thrown in my face a lot and he can get quite grumpy

[eli9996]

i agree and im in the process of getting help now, i just dont think its all down to my anxiety at the same time

 

i would like it if he stepped up a bit and did a couple of the things i suggest and see how it goes but he seems resistant to that and I dont see how else it will get better

[ExpatInItaly]

Your anxiety and insecurity is on you, OP. It's not his responsibility to fix your emotions or calm you down and comfort you whenever you need it. That's your responsibility. Emotional regulation is a deeply personal task, and we cannot expect others to do it for us. So, you need to look at what is triggering your anxiety. Are you comparing your relationship to others? Do you generally feel insecure about your looks/weight/whatever else?

 

Having said that, I agree he could probably be much more open with you. The way to get him to do that, in my experience, is give him the breathing room to do so. If you're constantly fretting and seeking reassurance, he's not being given the opportunity to naturally come to you. Have confidence that he's with you for a reason.

 

Just please don't push him to speak about his father's death. Grieving is extremely complicated and those of us who have been through it can tell you it's not something that is often shared openly, even with the people closest to us. He needs time to process it. You can provide your support and a soft place to fall without pressuring him to open up about that. Keep in mind his world has just been turned upside down, so he's probably going to be more sensitive or withdrawn than usual.

 

Do you tell him the ways he makes you happy? When a man feels like he can't please his girlfriend, it's bad news for the relationship. If all he hears is how he's failing to live up to your expectations, he will probably start checking out. Make sure you show your appreciation for him and what he does right, too.

[Satu]

This is my most fundamental rule when it comes to relationships:

 

 

"I only give the best of myself to others. The less than best I work on in my own time."

 

 

That means that I take responsibility for my own issues, and do the work of solving them myself. At various points in my life, I've done this in counselling. At other times, I did some study, or journalling, or body work.

 

I don't put my problems on the table for someone else to solve.

 

Thats very liberating for the people in your life.

 

Other people can be supportive to some extent, but really, we have to do the work.

[eli9996]

Yeah, I think it would be healthy for me if I maybe did keep a little more to myself about my own problems, its mainly when I come to him saying a certain thing bothered me and he takes no interest in comforting me about that issue, not necessarily my anxiety. But he probably is interested just feels insecure because he feels as if he can't make me happy like you said.

 

I don't feel that insecure in myself - no more than the average 19 year old, I'm actually quite a confident person (so it feels weird for me to say I have anxiety issues) I did compare our relationship to others in the past but not so much now, I'm really happy with the way things are and could see myself getting more comfortable and happier as time progressed until last night when he told me how he'd been feeling.

 

I think its my responsibility now I'm starting to feel better to be a little more light hearted in our relationship and understand his resistance isn't because he doesn't care he's just overwhelmed and scared of hurting me probably.

 

Thank you for your advice

[eli9996]

I would like to say I don't feel like I expect him to solve my problems, I only talk about them with him, I don't expect instant replies or for him to drop everything and come see me when I'm having a panic attack. I do a lot of the calming down on my own, rarely lash out at him when I am feeling anxious. But maybe I should talk about it less and try to make him happy and smile more by putting him before my issues.

[katiegrl]

This is my most fundamental rule when it comes to relationships:

 

 

"I only give the best of myself to others. The less than best I work on in my own time."

 

 

That means that I take responsibility for my own issues, and do the work of solving them myself. At various points in my life, I've done this in counselling. At other times, I did some study, or journalling, or body work.

 

I don't put my problems on the table for someone else to solve.

 

Thats very liberating for the people in your life.

 

Other people can be supportive to some extent, but really, we have to do the work.

 

Agree with this ^^.

 

Everyone gets anxious, it is how you handle that anxiety that matters.

 

You deal with it within yourself, no need to burden your boyfriend with what is essentially your issue.

 

For me, I go for a run or do yoga. It increases endorphins which helps to dispel negative thoughts.

 

If you continue to burden him by constantly seeking reassurance, etc, you will drive him away.

 

Remember that every time you are compelled to lash out. Mind over matter.

 

Good luck, anxiety issues are tough to conquer..

 

Hugs

[ExpatInItaly]

I would like to say I don't feel like I expect him to solve my problems, I only talk about them with him, I don't expect instant replies or for him to drop everything and come see me when I'm having a panic attack. I do a lot of the calming down on my own, rarely lash out at him when I am feeling anxious. But maybe I should talk about it less and try to make him happy and smile more by putting him before my issues.

 

It was enough for him to mention it, so there is cause for concern here.

 

I think you just need to consider how you're expressing your needs and concerns, and see what could be improved there. You should always be able to discuss these things with a partner but it very much depends on the delivery. Keep in mind that emotionally he's probably pretty overwhelmed right now and simply doesn't have a lot to give at the moment.

 

You don't need to ignore your own needs to make him happy, but I do think you probably need to put more emphasis on the things he does that you do appreciate. He is likely feeling that he doesn't know how to please you and that can be very frustrating.

 

Make a mental list of the things you love about him. What sorts of things has he done that have made you happy? Are you acknowledging those things, or has the bulk of the conversation shifted to what he's not doing?

[Redhead14]

Sorry this is a little long but I'd appreciate any advice on how to communicate better and how to resolve this situation.

 

We have been together a year now, we love each other and get on like two peas in a pod, I'm 19 and he's 21.

Ive suffered from anxiety for a long time and I was depressed for a while during our relationship but I’ve been feeling okay for a few months now and things keep getting better for me. My boyfriends father passed away early on in the relationship suddenly and unexpectedly, he’s at university and managed to carry on with his degree. I am quite an emotional person, if something bothers me slightly I feel as if I've got to say it and sort it out so it doesn't linger with me and I don't over think it turning it into something its not. My boyfriend is quite a closed off person, avoids conflict, doesn't tell me when things I do bother him until way after when I can tell somethings up and have to ask repeatedly after being told it doesn't matter and I am being silly. (this only feeds my anxiety in my opinion, I do wish he would be more straight up with me). I have a lot of respect for him, he’s level headed, managed to push himself through his struggles and not let his grades suffer as a result.

 

For me the relationship is good, I’m dealing with my anxiety problems and I know it can still cause problems when I’m having a bad day, I pick up on little things he says does and want reassurance about them, when he does not give that to me I can get myself in a bit of a rut where I’m seeking reassurance and he doesn't want to/know how to give it to me and it becomes a bigger problem than it started with.

 

For example, I will come out with something like why don’t I ever see your friends, I see one of his best friends quite regularly at the cinema which is nice and met a couple friends on a night out but apart from that I haven’t met any of his other friends and I would like it if he spent more time with mine. He says its because of work, doesn't want to come on nights out cos he’s always working the next day but he does go out a lot with his own friends. I am also in the same friendship group as my ex so I don't get on his case too much about that. He gets frustrated when I ask these kinds of questions and doesn't take me seriously. I don’t get the reassurance I was looking for and get upset at his resistance or inability to calm me down and comfort me.

 

I understand his frustration, my anxiety makes me feel on edge and a bit paranoid and I can raise annoying issues like “why don't you compliment me” “who’s that girl you’re texting” (he does have a lot of friend that are girls that I don't know and he makes out like I'm being ridiculous for being a bit jealous or even just curious). I think he just doesn't know when to take me seriously and it leaves him feeling down when we argue where as I feel better after I've got something off my chest. When I say argue we don't shout and I don't tend to get angry it’s more of a conflict. He can get a bit grumpy and shut down and not contribute to the conversation much.

 

We don’t talk about his dads death much, I tried to connect with him about it but he likes being independent but he knows I'm always here for him, I think when he talks about it it upsets him more. He’s the type of person to get on with life and accept it which is great and I’m definitely going to take parts of that into my outlook on life. I do think however it’s all getting too much for him for him to just get on with life at the moment, he expected things to get easier over time and they're not unfortunately.

 

He told me last night which felt completely out of nowhere for me that he isn't happy and he doesn't know what to do about us because the arguments get him really down and that he isn't coping well with his dad, he loves me but when we argue it gets him in a mood for a few days and makes everything a lot harder. We still laugh together lots and have so much fun I think he's feeling very negative about a lot at the moment.

 

I wish I could be the type of person to brush everything off, not be bothered about the little things when I have moments of anxiety. He wants to work on it and I know he cares a lot about me a lot he just has difficulty showing it when things get tough.

 

What do we do? I know we need to get better at communicating. Maybe I make out like the problems I have with him are huge and the end of the world when they are relatively small in my head. How do I get my point across without upsetting him or knocking his confidence? Feel like we are going in circles, I think we'd argue a lot less if he made small changes here and there to make me feel more valued and loved but he doesn't seem to think so.

 

He is a great person and I love him so much and want the best for him, I would do anything to make him happy and would love if I could help him deal with his problems and he has helped me deal with mine.

 

“why don't you compliment me” "why don’t I ever see your friends" -- Some of it may be about the way you address issues. These questions in bold, for instance. Putting questions about concerns this way, puts the other person on the defensive right away. "Why don't" or "you never" are accusatory/negative openers to a conversation.

 

A better way to open would be "Hey, I haven't seen (so and so) in quite some time, I'd like it if we could get together with them sometime soon".

 

The "why don't you compliment me" question is another story too. Needing validation like that and pushing him about it, is, well being needy and insecure. You could evoke that from him by bolstering him once in a while to say, set an example. "Hey, you look great today". "I love it when you smile", etc. Sometimes this kinda sets a tone for them to follow suit once in a while.

 

And, when there is a problem, say he's been quite or shut off for a bit, open a casual, supportive conversation -- "I've noticed that you've been quiet lately. I love you. Is there something you want to talk about? I want us to be able to talk about things and work together". If he's not ready to talk, you tell him it's ok but that you hope he will sit down with you at some point. And, let it be for a while. Don't keep coming at him about it. Say what you need to say, and give him an opportunity to respond, and let things sit for a bit.

 

These are little things that are proactive that you can try for a while just see if there is any improvement.

[eli9996]

“why don't you compliment me” "why don’t I ever see your friends" -- Some of it may be about the way you address issues. These questions in bold, for instance. Putting questions about concerns this way, puts the other person on the defensive right away. "Why don't" or "you never" are accusatory/negative openers to a conversation.

 

A better way to open would be "Hey, I haven't seen (so and so) in quite some time, I'd like it if we could get together with them sometime soon".

 

The "why don't you compliment me" question is another story too. Needing validation like that and pushing him about it, is, well being needy and insecure. You could evoke that from him by bolstering him once in a while to say, set an example. "Hey, you look great today". "I love it when you smile", etc. Sometimes this kinda sets a tone for them to follow suit once in a while.

 

And, when there is a problem, say he's been quite or shut off for a bit, open a casual, supportive conversation -- "I've noticed that you've been quiet lately. I love you. Is there something you want to talk about? I want us to be able to talk about things and work together". If he's not ready to talk, you tell him it's ok but that you hope he will sit down with you at some point. And, let it be for a while. Don't keep coming at him about it. Say what you need to say, and give him an opportunity to respond, and let things sit for a bit.

 

These are little things that are proactive that you can try for a while just see if there is any improvement.

Thank you this is good advice

 

I do try to do these things but it's quite tedious waiting for him to open up sometimes and I find it hard to leave him to it and see how things go. I find letting go quite a scary thing to do but I'll just have to give it a go, fingers crossed.

[eli9996]

It was enough for him to mention it, so there is cause for concern here.

 

I think you just need to consider how you're expressing your needs and concerns, and see what could be improved there. You should always be able to discuss these things with a partner but it very much depends on the delivery. Keep in mind that emotionally he's probably pretty overwhelmed right now and simply doesn't have a lot to give at the moment.

 

You don't need to ignore your own needs to make him happy, but I do think you probably need to put more emphasis on the things he does that you do appreciate. He is likely feeling that he doesn't know how to please you and that can be very frustrating.

 

Make a mental list of the things you love about him. What sorts of things has he done that have made you happy? Are you acknowledging those things, or has the bulk of the conversation shifted to what he's not doing?

I agree, I could show my appreciation more, make him feel like he's doing his "job" right and all the things I feel are lacking will come naturally in time.

 

We spoke today and just knowing now when he's closed off it's not because I'm not important to him but it is because he's overwhelmed makes me feel a lot more comfortable with the prospect that he might not have the energy to deal with me when I'm upset.

 

Thanks for your advice

[Redhead14]

Thank you this is good advice

 

I do try to do these things but it's quite tedious waiting for him to open up sometimes and I find it hard to leave him to it and see how things go. I find letting go quite a scary thing to do but I'll just have to give it a go, fingers crossed.

 

It will be a process, not an event. If this approach is going to work, he will need to observe the difference in your approaches for a little while as well. Try not to be "knee jerky" when things come up as well. If you find yourself instantly upset by a remark or comment, what have you, try not to be reactionary. Take a second to collect yourself before responding. It's hard sometimes but with a little resolve, it can be done. Think before you leap You may not be able to change him, but if you are trying to effect changes for yourself, at least, you will have made that attempt for yourself.

[eli9996]

It will be a process, not an event. If this approach is going to work, he will need to observe the difference in your approaches for a little while as well. Try not to be "knee jerky" when things come up as well. If you find yourself instantly upset by a remark or comment, what have you, try not to be reactionary. Take a second to collect yourself before responding. It's hard sometimes but with a little resolve, it can be done. Think before you leap You may not be able to change him, but if you are trying to effect changes for yourself, at least, you will have made that attempt for yourself.

 

I think I do keep having to remind myself it is, like you said, a process.

I'll try my best to not give into the temptation of reacting and giving him some room to relax without worrying how I'm going to react to everything

 

Thank you for replying, everyones given great advice, I wasn't expecting it!

 

This years been hard on both of us (not comparing my problems to the loss of his father because that's just something else but I've still dealt with a lot) and as much as we get on and care about each other we've got into bad habits but I think having other peoples perspective like this is helping me recognise bad behaviours of mine and what needs to change rather than trying to figure it out in my own head.

[Redhead14]

I agree, I could show my appreciation more, make him feel like he's doing his "job" right and all the things I feel are lacking will come naturally in time.

 

We spoke today and just knowing now when he's closed off it's not because I'm not important to him but it is because he's overwhelmed makes me feel a lot more comfortable with the prospect that he might not have the energy to deal with me when I'm upset.

 

Thanks for your advice

 

because he's overwhelmed -- give him plenty of space right now. Don't talk about the relationship for a while and keep things light and supportive. Keep normal communication frequency/pattern. Actually, I'd do a little less reaching out to him first for a day or so. Let him come to you. Be responsive/receptive and supportive when he does. But let things calm down a bit. If you do reach out to him, ask him for something that requires his knowledge/expertise if possible. He's likely feeling a little defeated and somewhat helpless with the situation, like you. Draw him to you by showing him that there are things that he brings to the relationship for you.

[Satu]

Snip

 

helping me recognise *bad behaviours of mine and what needs to change rather than trying to figure it out in my own head.

 

Try not to think of them as 'bad behaviours.' Just think of them as being behaviours you want to change.

 

 

Here are some snippets from an old journal of mine, at a time when I was making great progress in improving my relationships:

 

 

1. "The most fundamental relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. It sets the tone for all your other relationships. With this in mind, it's important to be loving and kind to yourself. Cultivate loving kindness towards yourself, and you will be able to love others freely, and without reserve. You will also be more comfortable receiving love from others."

 

The next clip signaled a very big step forward for me. I live by it to this day.

 

2. "To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

(That list can extend to infinity.)

 

On a personal note, it shows in your posts that you are a very nice and sincere person, so you don't need to change, its just some behaviours that you need to work on.

 

 

Welcome to the Human Race!

[eli9996]

Snip

 

 

 

Try not to think of them as 'bad behaviours.' Just think of them as being behaviours you want to change.

 

 

Here are some snippets from an old journal of mine, at a time when I was making great progress in improving my relationships:

 

 

1. "The most fundamental relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. It sets the tone for all your other relationships. With this in mind, it's important to be loving and kind to yourself. Cultivate loving kindness towards yourself, and you will be able to love others freely, and without reserve. You will also be more comfortable receiving love from others."

 

The next clip signaled a very big step forward for me. I live by it to this day.

 

2. "To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

(That list can extend to infinity.)

 

On a personal note, it shows in your posts that you are a very nice and sincere person, so you don't need to change, its just some behaviours that you need to work on.

 

 

Welcome to the Human Race!

Wow that second snippet is great, I will copy and paste that into the notes section on my phone and look at it when I need a little motivation to keep going when times get tough

 

I really appreciate your kind words - glad I came on this forum it's really brightened my spirits

[Satu]

Wow that second snippet is great, I will copy and paste that into the notes section on my phone and look at it when I need a little motivation to keep going when times get tough

 

I really appreciate your kind words - glad I came on this forum it's really brightened my spirits

 

Thanks

 

Keep popping in here and posting. There are lots of really nice people here and you're one of them

[Redhead14]

Sometimes when a couple has been together for a long time, they kinda stop thinking about each other as "people". In other words, they stop treating them with the level of respect that they would another person, not because they don't respect them deep down, but the frills of respect go away. Little things like, please and thank you even make a difference. They take each other for granted. And, they get too comfortable with the other person. Sometimes you have to take a step back and really look at that person you're with as the "individuals" they are again, not just part of a pairing.

 

Yes, a couple is and should be operating as a unit for most things in the relationship, but there comes a point where individuality comes to the forefront. So the issues the OP has been dealing with are not about the "unit", they are about the differences between the two of them as individuals in terms of how they handle/deal with things and understand those differences and what they each need as an individual, a person in the relationship -- it sounds like she needs at least a little more reassurance from him at least. But, either he's never really been reassuring or for some reason has gotten maybe lazy about it. So, she kinda gets in his space and he feels unappreciated or criticized. But, maybe he just needs a gentle reminder to get him back to it and focused on that kind of thing.

 

It's likely she's done the same thing, just not giving him enough of what he needs either. One drops off, the other follows. On some things it's him that's gotten lazy and on some things, she's gotten lazy -- on an emotional level. "you never compliment me". "well, it's been about 2 years since you've thanked me for doing such and such". It's not a conscious thing usually. They don't realize it.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Redhead14

[eli9996]

Thanks

 

Keep popping in here and posting. There are lots of really nice people here and you're one of them

 

I will do

[Robratory]

I am quite an emotional person, if something bothers me slightly I feel as if I've got to say it and sort it out so it doesn't linger with me and I don't over think it turning it into something its not. My boyfriend is quite a closed off person, avoids conflict, doesn't tell me when things I do bother him until way after when I can tell somethings up and have to ask repeatedly after being told it doesn't matter and I am being silly.

 

Well, there's the crux of the problem. Even if you two were 100% neurosis free (and who is?), the pairing of your personal styles would still make good interaction difficult.

 

Are you two able to get couple's counseling?

[thecrucible]

Well, there's the crux of the problem. Even if you two were 100% neurosis free (and who is?), the pairing of your personal styles would still make good interaction difficult.

 

That's what I believe might be the case.

 

I am going to post something from the perspective of someone with anxiety and that is that not every guy can handle it. It's something you have to work on together. Not everyone is mentally strong enough to be partnered with someone with an anxious disposition. He seems to be the type to avoid issues, which then makes you even more anxious. He'll be emotionally affected by his father's death even though he doesn't mention it so he might feel that it's a lot for him to handle at this time and he just needs space to think about things.

 

I have Anxiety myself and I have completed a course of CBT for it. This was really effective in altering some of my thinking patterns. If you talk to a counselor and take CBT, you may figure out what triggers your anxious thoughts in the first place and learn to slow down your thinking so you become less reactionary when you feel anxious. It's not just dealing with the anxious thoughts, it's having emotional self-control. I'm a lot more controlled now and it makes all aspects of my life so much easier.

 

However I also know that my brain is wired in such a way that I will always have periods where I feel a lot of anxiety. I know this because I will have dips in my mood every so often and lots of ups and downs. I've just gotten out of another rut recently where I had interrupted sleep for 2 or 3 months solid with night terrors. It's starting to go away now, thankfully. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have made strides but some of the anxiety is just part of me.

 

I think the best action is to give him space and to be kind to yourself. Then just know that everything will be okay whatever happens. Try to have a clear mind when you get to talk to him (let him re-initiate the conversation).

 

I've learned to deal okay (for the most part) with my anxiety but I discovered that I'm incompatible with the type of guy who doesn't deal with things head on and instead prefers to bury himself away and pretend it isn't happening. I had a boyfriend like that and I just felt unsafe and unsupported. We were just too different and I knew I needed a stronger guy. I have a good male friend who just gives it to my straight even when I don't want to hear it and that helps me get out of the mood dips I find myself in.