LookAtThisPOst Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I common thing I've found in the dating community for us daters and a reason to feel sympathy for some of them. Ever been that person that was in a relationship with someone, to only be dumped for their EX? Instance 1 - Woman dated a guy who was divorced, she was really starting to like him, but he was angling at sex...she wasn't quite ready for that yet...he does the fade and she realized later he went back to his ex-wife. Instance 2, and this is interesting - A man dating a woman, he's totally head over heels in love with her, dated for several months...she's seperated, divorce in process. The divorce is FINALIZED. She dumps the current boyfriend, and starts dating the NEW EX-husband The latter is quite mind boggling. So boggling that the guy that was dumped was STILL holding out for her, convinced that maybe it was just a psychological phase she was going through. Why do people go back to their exs? Is it because they are just simply most familiar with that old life? I know a lot of daters that have dated people, then after they got sick of dating or nothing "clicking" they go back to the ex as they only final solution. Thoughts?
stillafool Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Some people can't move on or don't have the courage to move forward. That has never been me. I just don't go back no matter what. 1
Popsicle Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I common thing I've found in the dating community for us daters and a reason to feel sympathy for some of them. Ever been that person that was in a relationship with someone, to only be dumped for their EX? Instance 1 - Woman dated a guy who was divorced, she was really starting to like him, but he was angling at sex...she wasn't quite ready for that yet...he does the fade and she realized later he went back to his ex-wife. Instance 2, and this is interesting - A man dating a woman, he's totally head over heels in love with her, dated for several months...she's seperated, divorce in process. The divorce is FINALIZED. She dumps the current boyfriend, and starts dating the NEW EX-husband The latter is quite mind boggling. So boggling that the guy that was dumped was STILL holding out for her, convinced that maybe it was just a psychological phase she was going through. Why do people go back to their exs? Is it because they are just simply most familiar with that old life? I know a lot of daters that have dated people, then after they got sick of dating or nothing "clicking" they go back to the ex as they only final solution. Thoughts? It's baffling to me too.
introverted1 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Impossible to say without knowing a lot more about the people. It could be that a relationship broke up for reasons that have been mended -- for example, one partner was drinking/drugging but has sought treatment. Or there was infidelity but the unfaithful partner has taken steps to establish there will not be a repeat (and there is enough investment that the other partner wants things to work - more likely when there are kids involved, imo). It could be that people are stuck in unhealthy patterns and return to the "devil they know." Lots of possibilities.
lilmissjava Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Going back to what you know is certainly one of them, and the good memories of the old relationship is what stands out more than the bad as time goes by.
bluefairy812 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) I too was one who left an ex who was into drugs and as a result, the relationship was greatly affected (manipulation, lies, aggressiveness, etc.) and began "talking"/getting to know someone from my class. Me and my ex were still living together... However, I thought he will be moving so screw him! I just met this new guy.... we spoke every day and had a nice relationship about to bloom when my EX began giving the manipulative talk how I was the one who screwed up and never gave him the right chance (again he's a drug addict so he knew how to mold me)...and how we have good times together, etc. well, he convinced me enough to where I told my new guy peace out. Like someone said above, my ex was the devil I knew. Of course, the new guy was heartbroken. My ex ended up BEING WORSE with his addiction, aggressiveness, lying and even stole from me. We were on and off for a long time until finally sh*t hit the fan and I kicked him out of my apartment. We kept in touch for a few months after that but I cut him off for good. Every day I was with my ex I was living in regret because I knew in my heart this nice guy from my class wouldn't have done not even an ounce of all the sh*t my ex did. For two years the new guy held so much hurt and anger against me. It took a lot for him to forgive me especially knowing how my ex was totally toxic for me. In the end, me and the "new guy" finally got together - it has not been easy AT ALL - he didn't trust me and never understood why I did what I did, but we having been dating nearly 6 months and we are happy together. I have been very open and although we won't forget the mistakes from the past, I feel we went through it to get where we are today... I learned my lesson... big time. I will never deal with a sorry ex ever again! #NOTworthit Edited January 26, 2016 by bluefairy812
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 26, 2016 Author Posted January 26, 2016 I too was one who left an ex who was into drugs and as a result, the relationship was greatly affected (manipulation, lies, aggressiveness, etc.) and began "talking"/getting to know someone from my class. Me and my ex were still living together... However, I thought he will be moving so screw him! I just met this new guy.... we spoke every day and had a nice relationship about to bloom when my EX began giving the manipulative talk how I was the one who screwed up and never gave him the right chance (again he's a drug addict so he knew how to mold me)...and how we have good times together, etc. well, he convinced me enough to where I told my new guy peace out. Like someone said above, my ex was the devil I knew. Of course, the new guy was heartbroken. My ex ended up BEING WORSE with his addiction, aggressiveness, lying and even stole from me. We were on and off for a long time until finally sh*t hit the fan and I kicked him out of my apartment. We kept in touch for a few months after that but I cut him off for good. Every day I was with my ex I was living in regret because I knew in my heart this nice guy from my class wouldn't have done not even an ounce of all the sh*t my ex did. For two years the new guy held so much hurt and anger against me. It took a lot for him to forgive me especially knowing how my ex was totally toxic for me. In the end, me and the "new guy" finally got together - it has not been easy AT ALL - he didn't trust me and never understood why I did what I did, but we having been dating nearly 6 months and we are happy together. I have been very open and although we won't forget the mistakes from the past, I feel we went through it to get where we are today... I learned my lesson... big time. I will never deal with a sorry ex ever again! #NOTworthit Yeah, I recall going on an online date with a woman, very attractive, until she started bring up an ex that she broke up with 10+ times. Apparently, she was one of those domestic situations where she would kick him out..., then he'd be back at her door, yelling through it, "Hon, you ALWAYS take me back...you always DO!" in a cocky tone. Wash, rinse, repeat. I never really understood that once someone got involved someone, and that "new" someone gets attached, the person goes back to the ex. Some people are like "An ex, is an ex for a REASON" and htere's NEVER going back to them....finito!! Once they are DONE, they are DONE...forever!
Toodaloo Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Better the devil you know... Sometimes people need time apart to sort out their issues. Sometimes they really need to stay apart.
bluefeather Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 addiction to pain fear of change comfort in familiarity
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 It's simple. They realize that they married for a reason....they love each other, but sometimes life takes over and they forget that. They get buried in responsibilities, changes in their life and stop being a romantic couple. They separate, and that gives them time to reflect. Dating someone new makes notice that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and who they are dating isn't the one that makes them feel complete, not to mention they have a history of good memories. Stepping away makes things clearer, what the issues are, and how they are solved. People always just assume leaving is the best resolution, then they find themselves regretting it. 2
Blanco Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I think if the person finds someone they click with, and they've had time to fully get over their ex, the odds of them going back to the ex decrease dramatically. I haven't dated since my last relationship ended a year ago, so obviously I haven't clicked with anyone. But I've used this time to reflect on the relationship and focus on myself. I wouldn't go back to her now. I don't even really want anything to do with her. Now, that wasn't at all the case for the first few months after the breakup, even after she took up with someone new. There's a strong chance that if I had gone against conventional wisdom and jumped into a new relationship during that time, there's a chance my ex could've won me back. This goes back to why I think it's so important to take some time out from dating after a serious relationship ends. I know some people think that if you move on to a new partner, that gives your previous situation finality. Sometimes that's true, but it seems like that can often just mean there's unfinished business that the person might eventually feel the need to address. My ex barely talked to me the first couple months of her new relationship, even though I hadn't said we should be NC or anything like that. Nearly a year later, she's reached out a few times despite me making it clear that I don't wish to have any part of her life at this time. I don't think she has a desire to get back together, but I do think it bothers her that she feels like she's losing or lost easy access to me in case things with the other guy go south.
bluefeather Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 It's simple. They realize that they married for a reason....they love each other, but sometimes life takes over and they forget that. They get buried in responsibilities, changes in their life and stop being a romantic couple. They separate, and that gives them time to reflect. Dating someone new makes notice that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and who they are dating isn't the one that makes them feel complete, not to mention they have a history of good memories. Stepping away makes things clearer, what the issues are, and how they are solved. People always just assume leaving is the best resolution, then they find themselves regretting it. ...or that.
WhirlwindGuy Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 In my case I did everything in my power to rekindle, assess, fix, etc my marriage. My ex wife refused to have any of it. She refused to go to counseling, to give it a chance, to talk, to anything really. I warned her that eventually I would move on and stop loving her, and when that happened, it was completely over. I warned her that we could have all of the things she wanted now that she told me what she wanted, and it could be better than ever going forward. She never acted like it mattered. So I made a conscious effort to break the bond, and I did. I started dating, I worked on myself, improved myself, improved how I looked at relationships, etc. I found someone and I could not be more happy. Guess who text me the other day asking to go out for coffee or lunch some day. Sure, the ex wife. Before I had recently got serious with a new girlfriend, I had asked her numerous times to just go to lunch, just go have a chat and bury the hatchet and be happy, she always refused. While I do really care about her still, and I want her to be happy, I am moved on. She cried, asked me why I never cared before, etc. I told her I did, but I was confused or lost, and that I offered to fix it at the time, and she didn't want to. We hugged and I told her I hope she can find peace and happiness and that was that. Was pretty hard, but I am confident in my decision, and I am confident that her and I were just never meant for each other. We are going to be happier this way, regardless of how much it hurts us right now. Just a perspective from the other side, I guess...not sure if it relates.
MissBee Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) The first red flag is, he's dating a separated women, i.e. she's technically still married. Separated people are notoriously bad dating prospects, because even if they don't go back to their ex, you are with someone who is actively disentangling themselves from a life with someone else. It doesn't take much to see why this often doesn't work out well, as people need time to be stable. Often, newly divorced and separated people are not emotionally in a space for new love. Rebounding is why a lot of people go back to their ex, that is, either they didn't want the relationship to end or ended it but regret it and are diving headlong into something new to soothe themselves. You have to also be careful of that when dating, find out when their last relationship was, who ended it, and just listen to how they talk about their ex, that can often tell you whether it is old news or something they are actively still bothered by. In case of the still married person who is separated...well that's one version of rebounding in that they are still involved legally, through court processes, and otherwise with their soon-to-be-but-not-yet-ex, and like your friend's ex, they may still have feelings for them. I am very wary of this while dating...I've rebounded, it happens, so I pay attention. I haven't had anyone leave me for an ex. But my ex is back with his ex. I broke up with him and I guess at some point they got back together. I don't know why, it was a little weird, but I'm like he and I weren't a good match at all, so more power to him if they reunited and found out that after all, they are. Some exes, if not most, are better off as exes, and in some cases it ended due to circumstances or people grow and change and find they can make it work again. Edited January 26, 2016 by MissBee
MissBee Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 It's simple. They realize that they married for a reason....they love each other, but sometimes life takes over and they forget that. They get buried in responsibilities, changes in their life and stop being a romantic couple. They separate, and that gives them time to reflect. Dating someone new makes notice that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and who they are dating isn't the one that makes them feel complete, not to mention they have a history of good memories. Stepping away makes things clearer, what the issues are, and how they are solved. People always just assume leaving is the best resolution, then they find themselves regretting it. True....esp with people who are separated/married. It makes even more sense than casual daters going back to exes. If you were married for years, then it makes more sense that if you are separated and dating that it's possible the grass isn't greener and you no longer want to give up your marriage. Hence, like I said, dating separated people is often not a great bet as it can be such an unstable time for them.
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