Can't read her...

January 26, 2016

Hey,

So I met this girl last night for a drink. She messaged me on POF and after a few messages back and forth I asked her out. Not my usual type but she intrigued me. We arranged to meet the next day. She was running a bit late but I was cool about it. Met around 8pm and we hugged when she arrived. So off to the pub.

She seemed quite chilled out which could be mistaken for nervousness. We had a good time getting to know each other from my perspective. She seemed keen due to the fact she was asking quite a few questions. She also told me that she is looking for something serious and that one night stands don't appeal to her. That woman should respect themselves more. She seemed quite keen to elaborate that fact. Which tbh made me think she might be a bit structured and hard work. But I respect that it can be heartbreaking for a girl to get physical and then have the guy not call back. I said guys do like to work for it a bit and not have it on a plate.

I did touch her arm at one point just to break that physical barrier. She never really advanced towards me at any point. We spent an hour and a half talking. She went to the toilet and when she came back she said she was going to go after we finished our drink and that she had work at 12 the next day. Half 9 seemed a bit early to me but being positive I was relaxed about it and said cool I'll drink up.

We headed to her bus stop and I was keen to find out if she was into me. It was quite difficult to find out what things she liked because she became flustered and had a few mind blanks during the date. So I said "I'm interested to find out what other things you like... apart from me obviously". And she laughed and said "you're getting there". In my mind that was pretty clear cut. So while the bus was coming I said "I had a nice time". She said "me too". And I put my hand to her neck to pull her in for a kiss. She turned her head and said "no just a hug". I played it cool and said "lets make it a good one then... I liked that I could feel your warmth." Then she said "it was nice to meet you". And got on her bus.

So in my mind I have no clue if she just didn't like me, its too soon to tell, she liked me but is incredibly structured. There were good and bad signs.

What are your thoughts?

January 26, 2016

I think it sounded okay... what were you expecting, as it seems you are here because you feel as if it was a let down in some way. You met someone, got along, and from the sound of things, could meet up again. She's been open and honest and I hope you've returned the favour. Call and arrange another date and see what happens, but yeah, she sounds like she wants to take it slow whereas you seem keen to rush things. She's putting on her seat belt and you're already hitting 70mph!

I do worry about this line "I liked that I could feel your warmth" as I'm sure that's from Silence of the Lambs isn't it?

January 26, 2016

I think it sounded okay... what were you expecting, as it seems you are here because you feel as if it was a let down in some way. You met someone, got along, and from the sound of things, could meet up again. She's been open and honest and I hope you've returned the favour. Call and arrange another date and see what happens, but yeah, she sounds like she wants to take it slow whereas you seem keen to rush things. She's putting on her seat belt and you're already hitting 70mph!

I do worry about this line "I liked that I could feel your warmth" as I'm sure that's from Silence of the Lambs isn't it?

I've never been in that situation where I've been rejected a kiss on the first date. Its just something I go for when I like the person. What worries me more than the possibility of being rejected is the fact she might be structured and a bit of a control freak.

Haha that line does sounds weird without my jokey nature behind it I agree.

January 26, 2016

Some women can be hard to read and just not show many signals. Difficult for us to know. If all she said was "nice to meet you" then it doesn't sound promising.

And did you ask her for the 2nd date before you ended the first? ALWAYS. Why go through the guessing game? Be straight and say "I'd like to go out with you again. Would you like to or do you think we're just better as friends"?

Then girls don't even have to reject you. They can say, "I think we should just be friends". Most girls are willing to give you that much of a hint.

My guess is that you won't be seeing this girl again.

January 26, 2016

Hey,

So I met this girl last night for a drink. She messaged me on POF and after a few messages back and forth I asked her out. Not my usual type but she intrigued me. We arranged to meet the next day. She was running a bit late but I was cool about it. Met around 8pm and we hugged when she arrived. So off to the pub.

She seemed quite chilled out which could be mistaken for nervousness. We had a good time getting to know each other from my perspective. She seemed keen due to the fact she was asking quite a few questions. She also told me that she is looking for something serious and that one night stands don't appeal to her. That woman should respect themselves more. She seemed quite keen to elaborate that fact. Which tbh made me think she might be a bit structured and hard work. But I respect that it can be heartbreaking for a girl to get physical and then have the guy not call back. I said guys do like to work for it a bit and not have it on a plate.

I did touch her arm at one point just to break that physical barrier. She never really advanced towards me at any point. We spent an hour and a half talking. She went to the toilet and when she came back she said she was going to go after we finished our drink and that she had work at 12 the next day. Half 9 seemed a bit early to me but being positive I was relaxed about it and said cool I'll drink up.

We headed to her bus stop and I was keen to find out if she was into me. It was quite difficult to find out what things she liked because she became flustered and had a few mind blanks during the date. So I said "I'm interested to find out what other things you like... apart from me obviously". And she laughed and said "you're getting there". In my mind that was pretty clear cut. So while the bus was coming I said "I had a nice time". She said "me too". And I put my hand to her neck to pull her in for a kiss. She turned her head and said "no just a hug". I played it cool and said "lets make it a good one then... I liked that I could feel your warmth." Then she said "it was nice to meet you". And got on her bus.

So in my mind I have no clue if she just didn't like me, its too soon to tell, she liked me but is incredibly structured. There were good and bad signs.

What are your thoughts?

She seemed quite chilled out which could be mistaken for nervousness -- Since when does chilled out (relaxed) indicate nervousness? -- I'd go with confident and comfortable, before nervousness.

She seemed keen due to the fact she was asking quite a few questions -- She was engaged and engaging.

She also told me that she is looking for something serious and that one night stands don't appeal to her. That woman should respect themselves more. -- She knows what she wants and has convictions.

And she laughed and said "you're getting there" -- That's a heads up that you are progressing and piquing her interest at least.

Give her a call and schedule another date. If she accepts, great, she liked you more than you thought at least. If not, so be it. Either way, you'll know what's what instead of the mind-dance you're doing with so little to go on now.

January 26, 2016

I'd pass on this one.

She came back from the bathroom and cut the date short. Then afterwards she gave you a kiss rejection and said that it was "nice to meet you" without any sort of hint that she wanted to see you again in the future. Just chalk it up to getting practice/experience and focus on other women.

January 26, 2016

I don't think you have enough information to tell what she's thinking!

From my own perspective, I could see myself acting in all of the ways she did, even if I did have interest. I'm not a big fan of kissing on a first date, especially while heading onto transit. I get self conscious. I'm also not touchy feely on date one, it just takes me time to warm up to people I don't know. Even if I'm having a good time, I ideally like to keep the first date shortish. And sometimes I don't know how I feel about a guy until I get home. So I would actually rather a guy ask me out again the next day.

I think a lot of forum participants feel liking someone is black and white and you know right away on date one. But I think there's a lot of shades of grey. I have had a great first date then a crappy second. And I have had a lukewarm first date then a great second one. Dating is about getting to know the other person!

So, all that said... The way to know how she feels about you is to ask her out again. Did you like her enough to ask for a second date? If so, ask! And if she says no, oh well, at least you know.

January 26, 2016

I did like her enough to go on a second date. She intrigued me. I can tell she's incredibly reserved and I'm not really used to that in a girl. I'll shoot her a text in a few days. Just to give her the time to wonder about me. I'm sure I'm right about not asking for another date at the end of the first. Especially when she's rejected a kiss. From past experience being a bit more mysterious tends to work wonders.

January 26, 2016

I don't think you have enough information to tell what she's thinking!

From my own perspective, I could see myself acting in all of the ways she did, even if I did have interest. I'm not a big fan of kissing on a first date, especially while heading onto transit. I get self conscious. I'm also not touchy feely on date one, it just takes me time to warm up to people I don't know. Even if I'm having a good time, I ideally like to keep the first date shortish. And sometimes I don't know how I feel about a guy until I get home. So I would actually rather a guy ask me out again the next day.

I think a lot of forum participants feel liking someone is black and white and you know right away on date one. But I think there's a lot of shades of grey. I have had a great first date then a crappy second. And I have had a lukewarm first date then a great second one. Dating is about getting to know the other person!

So, all that said... The way to know how she feels about you is to ask her out again. Did you like her enough to ask for a second date? If so, ask! And if she says no, oh well, at least you know.

That's fair. Everyone is different.

But let's say you meet a guy that you really hit it off with, are very attracted to, etc.. He goes for a kiss. Are you going to reject him in that moment? Or are you going to make your interest clear so he definitely asks you out again? This is just a guess of course. But I'm guessing that when women are interested, they don't want to risk letting that guy get away. So anything less seems like luke warm at best.

Then the question is, what is a guy willing to accept? A woman that was only semi-interested that didn't know what she wanted until after she got home, or a woman that reciprocates his kiss and makes it clear she wants a second date? Just getting a second date doesn't mean anything in the long term of course. But you're at least dealing with a woman that has full enthusiasm versus one who you have to play guessing games with. Just saying..

January 26, 2016

Maybe it's my age, but I have trouble understanding this modern notion that there has to be kissing/hugging/intimacy on the first date. Good grief.

January 26, 2016

Maybe it's my age, but I have trouble understanding this modern notion that there has to be kissing/hugging/intimacy on the first date. Good grief.

Of course there doesn't have to be.

But the question is what do you do when a guy you really hit it off with goes for a kiss? Now a lot of guys that get kiss rejected will take this as a lack of interest. So if you are interested and want a second date, rejecting a guy in that case makes no sense to me. I mean I get it if you're not interested, or luke warm at best. But if a woman is so rigid with rules she's created to potentially risk losing a great guy, that seems silly to me.

Edited January 26, 2016 by fitnessfan365

January 26, 2016

Here's the thing . . . you can try to "read" people all you want. Not everyone is "written" the same way. Some women won't kiss a guy on the first date just because it's the first date or she didn't like him enough at that point or at all. You don't know which book you're reading. Bottomline, unless it's just plain really clear that she didn't like you or doesn't want to see you again, and you really liked her, take the leap and just call her and ask her for another date. She says, yes, great, she says, no, oh, well. It's basically the same "risk" you take in asking for the first date . . .

January 26, 2016

That's fair. Everyone is different.

But let's say you meet a guy that you really hit it off with, are very attracted to, etc.. He goes for a kiss. Are you going to reject him in that moment? Or are you going to make your interest clear so he definitely asks you out again? This is just a guess of course. But I'm guessing that when women are interested, they don't want to risk letting that guy get away. So anything less seems like luke warm at best.

Then the question is, what is a guy willing to accept? A woman that was only semi-interested that didn't know what she wanted until after she got home, or a woman that reciprocates his kiss and makes it clear she wants a second date? Just getting a second date doesn't mean anything in the long term of course. But you're at least dealing with a woman that has full enthusiasm versus one who you have to play guessing games with. Just saying..

Exactly. If someone has to sit down and think and make a table of pros and cons about whether not they are attracted to you, then why do you want to be with them in the first place?

That said its hard to say because we don't know how old these people are. Is she 20? 40? 60? How you interpret what happened depends strongly on age imo. If she's older and hesitant about a kiss its very different than if she's young.

January 26, 2016

Here's the thing . . . you can try to "read" people all you want. Not everyone is "written" the same way. Some women won't kiss a guy on the first date just because it's the first date or she didn't like him enough at that point or at all. You don't know which book you're reading. Bottomline, unless it's just plain really clear that she didn't like you or doesn't want to see you again, and you really liked her, take the leap and just call her and ask her for another date. She says, yes, great, she says, no, oh, well. It's basically the same "risk" you take in asking for the first date . . .

Well as I said, I am all for a woman kiss rejecting a guy if she wasn't interested or if she was luke warm at best. But if a woman sticks to her "no first date kiss" rule and rejects a guy she is actually really attracted to, that makes no sense to me.

But in either case, I think it's a good idea to avoid women who kiss reject because :

1) She isn't interested or luke warm at best. Why ask a woman out again who isn't fully interested?

2) She's so rigid that she'll stick to her "no first date" rule no matter what. This is a good indicator she lacks passion and can't live in the moment. So once again, a good reason to avoid asking her out again.

January 26, 2016

Talk about projection. Someone who doesn't kiss you on the first date and wants to know more about you isn't 'structured and hard work'. She told you very clearly she's not about to jump on your wagon at the first sign of interest.

She didn't want to spend all night with you, so that should tell you it isn't lust at first sight, but rather she wants the chance to form some sort of opinion about you. Leaving the date early and how you handle it is going to tell her whether you are worth her time or not.

Honestly I think you pushed too far going for a kiss, after she cut a date short and didn't reciprocate any touching. You should have offered a hug if anything, I think you hurt your chances a bit there. You're not reading her cues very well. My guess is she didn't gel with your personality and is probably a bit skeptical about your motives especially as you tried to go physical after an hour and a half.

January 26, 2016

Talk about projection. Someone who doesn't kiss you on the first date and wants to know more about you isn't 'structured and hard work'. She told you very clearly she's not about to jump on your wagon at the first sign of interest.

She didn't want to spend all night with you, so that should tell you it isn't lust at first sight, but rather she wants the chance to form some sort of opinion about you. Leaving the date early and how you handle it is going to tell her whether you are worth her time or not.

Honestly I think you pushed too far going for a kiss, after she cut a date short and didn't reciprocate any touching. You should have offered a hug if anything, I think you hurt your chances a bit there. You're not reading her cues very well. My guess is she didn't gel with your personality and is probably a bit skeptical about your motives especially as you tried to go physical after an hour and a half.

Well in his defense, I don't think that "I'm not looking for a one night stand" is a cue that he definitely shouldn't kiss her. After all, a simple kiss goodnight isn't having sex on the first date. If the date is going really well and she's not showing signs of disinterest, I think it's better for a guy to make his intentions known instead of playing it safe. Fortune favors the bold.

But.. I do agree that the cue he did miss was how the date ended. I actually think that shorter first meets are better. When it shortens naturally with both people wanting more, great. However, it's a different story when one person comes back from the bathroom and abruptly says she wants to leave. That's her way of saying she wants to get the hell out of there IMO. So at that point, I agree that going for a kiss was a bad idea.

With all that said though, why would he want to follow up with a woman again that :

1) Kiss rejected him due to full lack of interest

2) Abruptly ended the date and tried to leave as fast as possible

January 26, 2016

Talk about projection. Someone who doesn't kiss you on the first date and wants to know more about you isn't 'structured and hard work'. She told you very clearly she's not about to jump on your wagon at the first sign of interest.

She didn't want to spend all night with you, so that should tell you it isn't lust at first sight, but rather she wants the chance to form some sort of opinion about you. Leaving the date early and how you handle it is going to tell her whether you are worth her time or not.

Honestly I think you pushed too far going for a kiss, after she cut a date short and didn't reciprocate any touching. You should have offered a hug if anything, I think you hurt your chances a bit there. You're not reading her cues very well. My guess is she didn't gel with your personality and is probably a bit skeptical about your motives especially as you tried to go physical after an hour and a half.

Well I'm not going to apologise for trying to kiss the girl. That just ain't gonna happen. If I've hurt my chances by doing that then so be it. I'd do it again because I was being authentic in the moment. If I like a girl I make sure she knows it before she goes home. Otherwise we're both sitting here on loveshack asking some strangers what to do... at least she knows the score.

January 26, 2016

I'm kinda not liking the "feel your warmth" part of the hug exchange . . . little bit like dirty old man copping a feel Not really a biggie, but a little icky for some reason to me. I would have liked the hug probably, just without the commentary . . . especially since she declined the kiss. It's a little bit innuendo-y. I'm not prude either. I can't put my finger on it really.

January 26, 2016

I'm kinda not liking the "feel your warmth" part of the hug exchange . . . little bit like dirty old man copping a feel Not really a biggie, but a little icky for some reason to me. I would have liked the hug probably, just without the commentary . . . especially since she declined the kiss. It's a little bit innuendo-y. I'm not prude either. I can't put my finger on it really.

Yeah it does have kind of a creep factor..LOL

January 26, 2016

I'm kinda not liking the "feel your warmth" part of the hug exchange . . . little bit like dirty old man copping a feel Not really a biggie, but a little icky for some reason to me. I would have liked the hug probably, just without the commentary . . . especially since she declined the kiss. It's a little bit innuendo-y. I'm not prude either. I can't put my finger on it really.

The way I said it was more jokey as in... if this is all we're doing then lets make it romantic. But like... in a none serious and comedic way. Which now I'm hearing you guys makes me worry it was taken seriously lol.

January 26, 2016

If a man tried to kiss me on the first date, I would let him peck me on the cheek. Even if I liked a guy, I would be put off by his trying to kiss me on the lips.

January 26, 2016

The way I said it was more jokey as in... if this is all we're doing then lets make it romantic. But like... in a none serious and comedic way. Which now I'm hearing you guys makes me worry it was taken seriously lol.

Nah, don't worry about it. If it's been as cold where you are as it has been where I am, I might not blame you . . .

January 26, 2016

I've kissed women before on the first date only for them to ghost me afterwards. So even just getting a kiss is not indicative of anything.

January 26, 2016

I would a lot like this woman with the exception I like to kiss on the lips as that's the way I can tell if there's enough sexual chemistry.

Her asking you questions IMO is a good sign. Cutting the date short isn't necessarily bad - she could just have boundaries and want to take care of herself. I've met those guys who assume if you don't stay all night with them on the date you're not interested enough. It's not that. It's that I don't want to go into work (or something else I need to do) all sleepy and groggy - especially for a guy I don't know.

January 26, 2016

I've kissed women before on the first date only for them to ghost me afterwards. So even just getting a kiss is not indicative of anything.

For me that means I enjoy your company enough to test the sexual chemistry. Nothing more or less. If I like kissing you then I'll be happy to set up another date as long as I don't detect incompatibilities or red flags. If I didn't like kissing you I don't go out with that guy again. I personally don't ghost and am pretty frank with guys but many women would ghost rather than deal with the reaction.

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