Want to move on but don't want to let him become a stranger?

[amberjadej]

Yes, I thinks that's true.

 

I'd like to add this:

 

The people in our lives are what matters most. Or at least, they should matter most.

 

They are more important than any job. They are more important than academic distinction, more important than fame and fortune, more important than money in the bank, or anything else.

 

Everything outside our relationships is just the scenery of our lives and the context within which we exist.

 

It's nice to achieve our goals, but that's second tier stuff.

 

The top tier is people and their wellbeing, and what we can and should do for them.

 

We're not just here for ourselves.

 

He admits he's selfish and an *******. He says he knows he's a selfish guy. He's been that way with all his girlfriends though, not just me.

Also, if it were just me, he wouldn't be putting off dating for years til it was all done.

 

He says he likes to only focus on one thing at a time. With that schedule, there's virtually no time for a relationship and I realized that there's no way I would've been happy.

 

I'm sure in the future I'll probably be glad it ended since I probably never would've and would've ended up potentially sacrificing things I wanted.

Edited January 30, 2016 by amberjadej

[Satu]

I strongly suspect that those 2 years will turn into forever, or be extended by another number of years.

 

You've dodged a bullet.

[amberjadej]

Do you mean that he'd avoid dating me again or in general? I'm not waiting for him, just curious

[Satu]

Do you mean that he'd avoid dating me again or in general? I'm not waiting for him, just curious

 

It's not about you, or him dating you. It's about him.

 

He's an 'avoidant' type.

 

Other people are just not that important to him.

 

He goes through the motions and says that right words, but in reality, he doesn't care.

 

QED.

Edited January 30, 2016 by Satu

[amberjadej]

He actually fought for the relationship and stopped me from leaving a few times when I was feeling overwhelmed about the future and how he and I would get through it.

 

But yes, in the end, I agree he's not the right guy for me..

It's just hard to realize but I'll slowly come to terms with it.

I feel like it's just a matter of breaking old habits now.

[Satu]

He actually fought for the relationship and stopped me from leaving a few times when I was feeling overwhelmed about the future and how he and I would get through it.

 

But yes, in the end, I agree he's not the right guy for me..

It's just hard to realize but I'll slowly come to terms with it.

I feel like it's just a matter of breaking old habits now.

 

I'll give you a few things to think about before I log off.

 

*When dealing with driven types, its useful to ask, "What is the fuel that drives them?" Is it something healthy, or something unhealthy?

 

*When someone is forging ahead full steam, are they moving towards something, or away from something? Or both?

 

There is a line which can be crossed. On one side of the line is focussed effort, and on the other side of the line is mania and fixation.

 

He seems to me, under the surface, to be a bit 'frantic.'

 

Make of that what you will!

 

 

Take care.

Edited January 30, 2016 by Satu

[pseudoblepsia]

I can't so much as talk to another woman without the thought creeping in that I would rather be talking to my ex, I have decided to remain single and take myself off the market completely as I'm finding it too difficult to function properly as is.

 

This is the scenario I see before my eyes when I try to envision how my life will unfold from here on out. It's the worst how the void he left is so huge - partly because I invested so much in the relationship - and having anybody else take his place in filling that void just turns my stomach. I keep trying to imagine how a person would have to be in order for me to be willing to even bother, and I can't.

I already knew while in the relationship that the match was not 100% perfect like it'd seemed in the beginning. It became more about having gotten used to each other. This thought helps a little.

 

He says he likes to only focus on one thing at a time. With that schedule, there's virtually no time for a relationship and I realized that there's no way I would've been happy.

 

I'm sure in the future I'll probably be glad it ended since I probably never would've and would've ended up potentially sacrificing things I wanted.

 

I feel like I've been the reverse version of your ex and that's what caused a lot of the issues. I also like to focus on one thing at a time, and in my case that thing was the relationship. I felt like being too active with hobbies for example would take something away from the relationship and make it wither through my being "absent". Little did I know it was crucial to have more of my own stuff going on. Would make things much easier right now, that's for sure.

I wanted to live somewhere else, travel, have possibilities that the small town didn't offer, and yet I stayed for his sake for years, with growing resentment. I thought the relationship was still more important and sacrificed my other dreams. All for this? I better have learned some valuable lessons.

[amberjadej]

How long have you guys been broken up? I stupidly broke my no contact after a bad argument with a family member last night. He was the only one who knew the situation and he said if I ever needed anything, I could turn to him because he wants to stay friends.

 

Then he started sending a couple of our old inside jokes and when I said I shouldn't have messaged him because it's stupid to turn to an ex, he told me it wasn't stupid and neither am I. He then sent me something that reminded him of me and told me I was beautiful. Sooooo. He's not making this super easy on me.

 

I feel that way too though. I feel annoyed that I supported him with his pretty serious depression and stuff (he even says I was with him at his lowest points) for me to get dumped. It's only been a week. But it's probably for the best, because I wouldn't have left probably.

 

I'm also the kind of person who makes the relationship a #1 priority.

Edited January 30, 2016 by amberjadej

[Learningtowalkagain]

Just an update!

 

He and I had over an hour long closure phone call Thursday night and I'm glad I did it.

 

Good for you. Strict NC is preached here but in my experience if you can get closure and accept that it's over and not look at silver linings then it's fine to break NC for that one reason. *sidenote* Closure when you feel like you need an explanation because you're confused is fine. If there was another person involved then yes strict NC, you don't need closure. All that will do is twist the knife further.

 

My ex and I were done. I felt like I needed closure...more like to get a bunch of stuff off my chest. I had started NC. She contacted me. We chatted. I said what I needed to, we parted ways on somewhat good terms, and the break up has been easier ever since. We've been NC for 2 weeks now. So while I agree with NC, if you can get closure and can accept it's over it makes it easier to heal.

[pseudoblepsia]

How long have you guys been broken up? I stupidly broke my no contact after a bad argument with a family member last night. He was the only one who knew the situation and he said if I ever needed anything, I could turn to him because he wants to stay friends.

 

Then he started sending a couple of our old inside jokes and when I said I shouldn't have messaged him because it's stupid to turn to an ex, he told me it wasn't stupid and neither am I. He then sent me something that reminded him of me and told me I was beautiful. Sooooo. He's not making this super easy on me.

 

I feel that way too though. I feel annoyed that I supported him with his pretty serious depression and stuff (he even says I was with him at his lowest points) for me to get dumped. It's only been a week. But it's probably for the best, because I wouldn't have left probably.

 

I'm also the kind of person who makes the relationship a #1 priority.

 

It's been 2 weeks. I decided from the beginning not to contact him but he kept asking me how things were. I can't bring myself not to reply, it's just not what you do to a person who was a friend and the "love of your life" for years. At the same time it's inexplicably tough when the one person you're used to turning to when you're having a hard time is now a central cause of the hard time and you're not really supposed to continue talking to them. At least in the early phases.

 

Your ex's messages are completely different from what I have gotten, and I see now that both kinds are terrible at this point. Once he finally managed to spit it out that he doesn't think it's going to work, he immediately started acting like a stranger for most of the time we were still under the same roof. Distant, no inside jokes, no reaction whatsoever if I made an inside reference to something just to lighten the horrible mood... It's like he turned into a different person in the blink of an eye. Only to then say in a message how he misses me and our inside jokes. I think he's having a lot of difficulties dealing with this, which surprises me as it's not his first breakup, he's not a first time dumper either.

 

Like you, after days of NC, I sent him a message last night. About an epiphany I had about the causes of the breakup. I sprinkled the message with a few inside jokes and they went completely unacknowledged by him and I got a few short "yep I think you got a point" replies.

That felt horrible mainly cause I'd irresponsibly gotten myself into a mindset that he might regret this, and then I get an incredibly aloof response. That was good though, cause it inspired me to go completely NC for a month. Sounds silly but just half a day after the decision I feel a little better.

 

"But it's probably for the best, because I wouldn't have left probably." It really sucks to be the one "blind" to the problems or the one who has blind faith when the other one doesn't.

[DrMario]

I don't know in my scenario as she cut me off around mid December and sent me the finisher text on Christmas day, so a month, maybe a month and a half, I reached out to her that day by writing her letters and posting them through her door, I never reached out again after that as I was afraid of what that would do as she had been cold and pulling away from me for quite a while, she blocked me on everything so I have no way to contact her anyway, my sister also cut me off around the same time the ex did so life hasn't been easy to say the least, it's been down right unbearable not having either of the people I cared most for in my life, it's pretty demeaning to know they can both get by just fine (in different ways of course) life nevrr stops for those who break your heart so it seems.