Want to move on but don't want to let him become a stranger?

January 28, 2016

I had a similar viewpoint during my BU.

But, as the days and weeks go by, you will soon realize that the reasons he has given are only partly the truth and a sugar-coated version.

The IN LOVE to LOVE stage can happen years down the line. Its not necessarily associated with the ending of the honeymoon phase.

I am assuming that u asked him if there was somebody else?

Normally pushing for answers makes things worse but your BU was like mine, very sudden and cruel (and "yes" it was because she met someone else). In these particular cases, at least finding out if there is someone else may be necessary.

I did ask if it was because of another woman and he swore on his dad's grave that it wasn't. He only says that when he's totally legit. Also I believe it's the differences thing because we broke up two other times (only for a couple days) due to the same reason. He'd always tell me he'd realized he was being stupid but he didn't this time

January 28, 2016

Amberjade-I was thinking just the same. I'm out of the shocking stage and into the angry stage. It's his birthday today so I texted happy bday and I also said how confused, sad I am etc. He never replied. He also said we had differences but just like you, I wanted to talk more because it was so fast. I'm so sad day and night. He was my best friend and he's gone and doesn't care. I feel like you're the only one who can relate right now.

I seriously feel like we're in the exact same situation right now! Kinda helps knowing someone else feels the same! Are you struggling with all your past memories? I'm imaging like going downtown with a new boyfriend or a date in the future and just being haunted by memories of my ex. He works downtown and we frequently went to dinner and other things down there.

Funny enough, my ex is ignoring me as well. We were supposed to have a closure call today and he hasn't called yet. He even offered to do it, I didn't ask. He's ignored my past few messages and isn't even reading them.

I've decided that if he hasn't called by 2am (he works night shift as a paramedic but has today off) then I have a message already typed that I'm going to send and then cut him off

My issue is partly that if I'm mad at him, it makes it easier to move on but at the same time, I don't want this to taint all of our fun times and good memories. I don't want to think of him as a jerk because he's not. Well not usually.

Edited January 28, 2016 by amberjadej

January 28, 2016

Yes the memories are absolutely haunting me. As soon as I think of us always happy and laughing (which was all the time) I just cry. I don't know how I'll ever meet another man with the traits he had. I was wondering if you talked to your ex yet. At least he's willing to talk to you. I can't even get the answers I'm looking for, which suprises me. Please let me know how it turns out. It's so unfair that they did it like this. Why couldn't they just try to discuss it first and work things out as a team instead of blindsiding us? Ugg

January 28, 2016

Well he said he was willing, but he's not reading or responding to my message anymore so I'm not sure if he changed his mind or what.

I feel that way too though; I feel like I'll never meet another guy like him. He seriously was the best boyfriend I've had and that's not just me romanticizing the relationship. He was the first guy I've dated who didn't lie all the time either. I seem to attract lying men usually.

He literally was such a great guy and has so many good qualities and I feel like I won't find that again. What I'm also scared of is what if this happens again? I thought he and I were really happy. We had fun all the time and yet he claims he was only happy sometimes. I did everything a great girlfriend was supposed to do. So now I'm nervous that in the future I'll be with a different guy and maybe he won't be happy and just isn't saying anything. How will I know? I honestly had no idea he wasn't always happy. Just a few days prior he was saying how much he loved me and stuff. It's so weird that he and I aren't texting or hanging out like always.

I feel SO jealous about the girl that he ends up with for good. She'll be so lucky. He says he isn't dating for a year because of work and being busy and taking time to move on from this, but the thought of him dating at all kills me.

We still haven't talked though

I'm trying to distract myself by watching one of my favorite shows which stupidly I got him interested in and we watched it all the time and so now it's tainted for me haha.

Edited January 28, 2016 by amberjadej

January 28, 2016

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but wow! It's like we had the same bf, but I know we didn't. Last night I watched my fav show and I always watched that with him too. It was difficult. We were always happy too and he feels that we cannot fix this because we have different parenting styles, although our kids are not super young either and are close to being adults. Yes pain and loss comes in all ages. He also called me sweetie and said I love you days before the breakup. I also have been with liers and cheaters, I really trusted him and that is huge for me. My whole family loved him and were in shock too. My sister said he blocked us all on Facebook. I blocked him right away because I'd die if I saw him with another girl. If you don't mind me asking, are you eating and sleeping ok? I'm not.

January 28, 2016

I feel SO jealous about the girl that he ends up with for good. She'll be so lucky. He says he isn't dating for a year because of work and being busy and taking time to move on from this, but the thought of him dating at all kills me.

Why would you feel jealous? Look what he is capable of doing. You say he told you he was happy, everything was good...but yet he just dumped you out the blue. That only means that he was feeling some sort of way and wasnt honest with you. Something wasnt feeling right for him and instead of being honest he chose to lie say it was all good then dump you and leave you broken hearted and full of questions.

Again I ask...jealous of what?

January 28, 2016

I'm jealous because she'll able to make him happy and I couldn't, also he told me that he didn't say something sooner because he wanted to make it work and thought that "the tides would turn but they didn't"

January 28, 2016

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but wow! It's like we had the same bf, but I know we didn't. Last night I watched my fav show and I always watched that with him too. It was difficult. We were always happy too and he feels that we cannot fix this because we have different parenting styles, although our kids are not super young either and are close to being adults. Yes pain and loss comes in all ages. He also called me sweetie and said I love you days before the breakup. I also have been with liers and cheaters, I really trusted him and that is huge for me. My whole family loved him and were in shock too. My sister said he blocked us all on Facebook. I blocked him right away because I'd die if I saw him with another girl. If you don't mind me asking, are you eating and sleeping ok? I'm not.

Would you like to private message??

January 28, 2016

Also I'm sure later on I won't feel jealous. But I do know despite maybe him handling things wrong, I do know he is a great guy and he'll be a great guy for whoever he ends up with. He genuinely is a nice person despite having flaws

I feel like it'd be a little abnormal if I didn't feel jealous. I was his girlfriend just 4 or 5 days ago. Those feelings don't go away that quickly

Edited January 28, 2016 by amberjadej

January 28, 2016

Sure. Hopefully I can figure that out. I'm new here so not sure how it all works yet. I'm glad the other post said "why are we jealous?" That helped me find something bad about him to think about. And I wanted to tell you that you did nothing wrong. You are you and he was felt you weren't compatable even though you were happy together. You sound like a wonderful, happy person to me!

January 28, 2016

It won't let me PM. I think it's because I just signed up. I'd give you my personal info but don't want the whole world seeing it. Lol

January 28, 2016

Sure. Hopefully I can figure that out. I'm new here so not sure how it all works yet. I'm glad the other post said "why are we jealous?" That helped me find something bad about him to think about. And I wanted to tell you that you did nothing wrong. You are you and he was felt you weren't compatable even though you were happy together. You sound like a wonderful, happy person to me!

Apparently I can't send messages me because I haven't been on the site long enough! I don't know if you'd be comfortable, but we could email. It's totally ok if you don't feel comfortable! mine is [email protected]

January 28, 2016

Yes I'll send an email now.

January 28, 2016

I did ask if it was because of another woman and he swore on his dad's grave that it wasn't. He only says that when he's totally legit. Also I believe it's the differences thing because we broke up two other times (only for a couple days) due to the same reason. He'd always tell me he'd realized he was being stupid but he didn't this time

Ok, sounds like he is speaking the truth.

Usually at the breakup talk, I find there is a real licence for openness and the knives come out if u know what I mean.

That would have been the perfect time to come clean if there was someone else.

Your point about the previous short breakups might be relevant. Every time you reconcile a breakup, it becomes easier for the dumper to breakup the next time. Just like a dress rehearsal.

Still, even that doesn't really explain the awful way it was done. He should have never let it reach that level. His fault for not communicating properly.

January 30, 2016

My boyfriend and I just broke up last Saturday due him realizing he wasn't in a place to be in a relationship and wasn't happy and has a lot on his plate. He swears that it has nothing to do with me at all, I'm a great girl, he loves me and that in a year or two, when he's in a better place and happier and if I'm single then we could get together (he didn't ask me to wait, just said he'd do that if I was single). I understand that for the next two years he's going to have a crazy schedule and a lot going on and doesn't feel he's in the place for dating, but he's dealing with the breakup so well I feel like letting me go wasn't a big deal. We had a final closure talk on Thursday night and we ended it peacefully and as friends. He said that's he's a little sad but it's "growing pains" and he'll get over it. He said me not being around all the time is weird and stuff and things remind him of me. He said he's got too much to think about and too much going on to be really sad. He said when you love something, you have to let it go sometimes and he thinks I'd be happier with someone else. I understand that he's busy but I'm doing things too and yet I'm still pretty sad and miss him a ton. He let me go and knows I'm going to end up with another man and he doesn't seem that affected. He said it'll be hard on him but the idea of him with another girl kills me. I don't even want another guy. When we started talking about a man that was hitting on me at this restaurant just a few days before we broke up, he said it still made his blood boil and he didn't wanna talk about it. I feel like obviously I couldn't have been that special or different from other girls or else he wouldn't have let go. He says I was an amazing girlfriend and I'll make any guy really happy. We're basically going to be strangers after almost a year together and he seems pretty ok about it. He said he's not back to normal but is pretty close. I'm not a sobbing mess but I miss him a lot and am still really sad. Why the difference? I already assumed that's how he was feeling because he's good at pushing his emotions to the side. He's a critical care paramedic and sees death a lot and he even said that he's better at dealing with grief better than most.

It breaks my heart to realize he's not in my future anymore and I'm not in his, but he seems ok with that. It doesn't seem to upset him picturing him dating another girl. He said it'd be too weird for him right now but he doesn't seem that sad about losing me.

Edited January 30, 2016 by amberjadej

January 30, 2016

Amber, I know he said all this stuff. But the fact remains that if he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have let you go. It's time to cut contact and move on.

Sending you strength

January 30, 2016

The sooner and more completely you let go of him, the better.

Then you can do your healing.

Nature and your own innate wisdom will guide you.

Take care.

January 30, 2016

Well he's a critical care paramedic who has a two year flight medic course coming up, fire school, work and clinicals.

The medic school is two or three days a week, 8 - 10 hour classes + studying throughout the week, two clinicals a week, three to five 12 hour work days a week, and his fire processes. It was actually an issue I brought up multiple times as well because I doubted we'd get through it. We calculated it and seeing him 2 or 3 times (3 is pushing it) a month combined with an hour lunch/dinner here and there, I'd see him a total of 48 days out of 730. That didn't work for me. He also has depression and isn't totally happy with himself.

I'd think it was just an excuse except it was something we've both voiced our doubts about. I didn't have a boyfriend to only see him 48 days out of 730.

And he's admitted he doesn't want to be with anyone right now; he doesn't wanna be in a relationship period. He said he has too much to focus on and couldn't be a good boyfriend to me and I agree. He said he's going to be single for a long, long time. He said probably two years or until all this stuff is out of the way and maybe not even then. He's an introvert and likes lots of alone time and said he's just as happy single as he is in any relationship.

It's just hard even if I understand why. But he did say that 100% if I'm single in a year or two, he'd definitely wanna fix things.

Him and his last serious girlfriend also broke up a year or two ago due to his busy schedule. She wasn't happy with not seeing him a lot and she left.

We were together for 8 months and lived together for a lot of that due an issue with my lease.

The idea of another man replacing him devastates me.

Edited January 30, 2016 by amberjadej

January 30, 2016

I think I can very well imagine how you feel, being in a similar situation myself. His reasons were also not unlike your ex's. But as someone already stated, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try and move on. It hurts like hell but it hurts even more in the long run to keep clinging to it.

I've been getting sent back to the beginning of the process of moving on, due to constantly having slipped into thinking there might be a chance for us at a later time. Every time I think that, it only ends in more depression and anxiety. The thought of it being over over for good is an excruciating thought but that's where it starts to get better. (While I'm writing this I'm also trying to convince myself of this, so I can feel your pain!)

January 30, 2016

I think I can very well imagine how you feel, being in a similar situation myself. His reasons were also not unlike your ex's. But as someone already stated, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try and move on. It hurts like hell but it hurts even more in the long run to keep clinging to it.
I've been getting sent back to the beginning of the process of moving on, due to constantly having slipped into thinking there might be a chance for us at a later time. Every time I think that, it only ends in more depression and anxiety. The thought of it being over over for good is an excruciating thought but that's where it starts to get better. (While I'm writing this I'm also trying to convince myself of this, so I can feel your pain!)

I set myself back a couple times doing the same thing. On Thursday, he told me to "pump the breaks" when I said I wasn't going to talk to him anymore and stupidly I took that as maybe him regretting it..

I definitely feel just like you; the thought of it really being over is killing me.

I posted this same question on another forum and one lady responded with that clearly all of this was sugar coated, he put me on the back burner and that if he really cared, he wouldn't have let go... she also just added, "you're not thinking straight. he's not in love with you. in fact, if any girl is worth it to him, he would make it work. the fact is, you're not her."

Does anyone else think that's true? I don't because this is his passion/dream and I'd never want to stand in the way. Also, he actually told me (in a polite way) a few months ago that his career was #1 over friends, family, etc. He's ridiculously career driven. His friends/family told me when he was in school a few years ago, they never saw him. I don't feel like it's just that he wanted out.

Edited January 30, 2016 by amberjadej

January 30, 2016

Just an update!

He and I had over an hour long closure phone call Thursday night and I'm glad I did it.

He and I had some miscommunication and he wasn't saying he was unhappy with me, but just that felt he wasn't in a good place to be in a relationship right now. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone right now and wouldn't be happy with anyone, I'm a great girlfriend and that I couldn't have done anything to fix this.

He said if in a year or two when he's happier and in a better place career wise, if I'm single he'd like to try again (some weird apparently twisted part of me is tempted to wait but I won't). He said he's going to be single for at least two years until his schooling is done, if not longer. His schedule is going to be crazy so I don't blame him. It still hurts but it helps that we ended things more peacefully and as friends.

The medic school is two or three days a week, 8 - 10 hour classes + studying throughout the week, two clinicals a week, three to five 12 hour work days a week, and his fire processes. It was actually an issue I brought up multiple times as well because I doubted we'd get through it. We calculated it and seeing him 2 or 3 times (3 is pushing it) a month combined with an hour lunch/dinner here and there, I'd see him a total of 48 days out of 730. That didn't work for me. He also has depression and isn't totally happy with himself.

I'd think it was just an excuse except it was something we've both voiced our doubts about. I didn't have a boyfriend to only see him 48 days out of 730.

And he's admitted he doesn't want to be with anyone right now; he doesn't wanna be in a relationship period. He said he has too much to focus on and couldn't be a good boyfriend to me and I agree. He said he's going to be single for a long, long time. He said probably two years or until all this stuff is out of the way and maybe not even then. He's an introvert and likes lots of alone time and said he's just as happy single as he is in any relationship.

It's just hard even if I understand why. But he did say that 100% if I'm single in a year or two, he'd definitely wanna fix things.

Him and his last serious girlfriend also broke up a year or two ago due to his busy schedule. She wasn't happy with not seeing him a lot and she left.

January 30, 2016

I set myself back a couple times doing the same thing. On Thursday, he told me to "pump the breaks" when I said I wasn't going to talk to him anymore and stupidly I took that as maybe him regretting it..
I definitely feel just like you; the thought of it really being over is killing me.

I posted this same question on another forum and one lady responded with that clearly all of this was sugar coated, he put me on the back burner and that if he really cared, he wouldn't have let go...

Does anyone else think that's true? I don't because this is his passion/dream and I'd never want to stand in the way. Also, he actually told me (in a polite way) a few months ago that his career was #1 over friends, family, etc. He's ridiculously career driven. His friends/family told me when he was in school a few years ago, they never saw him. I don't feel like it's just that he wanted out.

There's a lot of people saying that if someone dumps you for whatever reason, they simply didn't wanna be with you and you should move on. I thought so myself before, but after this breakup I'm not sure what to think anymore - although I'm admittedly not thinking clearly at the moment. It clearly wasn't easy for either of us, all filled with tears.

I'd think there are people who for one reason or another can feel forced to leave their partner despite still loving them, if the relationship badly interferes with the big picture somehow (career, self-improvement, family, major dreams etc). I'm the opposite though and was clinging to a problematic relationship and compromising maybe too much for it, but not everyone is the same and one can't necessarily apply one's own logic to figure out someone else's motives.

Many things about your situation sound familiar. Interpreting every little thing in a way that supports the idea of him regretting the decision. (My ex sent me a message saying we should remember and pay attention to the good memories of the RS that were lost in all this. What kind of thing is that to say after you've just left the person?)

I also made myself believe the breakup was more about how both of us were just drifting and stagnated in our lives and in a way stopping each other from being proactive and achieving more. Plus he was/is generally depressed. The only difference between that and just plain wanting to get out, period, is that in the former case there might still be a chance later... And this brings us back to where we're not supposed to be. I fell into the "maybe he'll wanna get back together later" trap again and the realization that he actually left me just hit so hard, again.

I made good progress with NC before so now I'm not contacting him at all for the next month and see if it helps. I've found the most comforting thing for me is to try and focus only on this very moment and how I can make myself happy outside of the relationship, and also remind myself that the future is unpredictable, in both good and bad.

January 30, 2016

I know the feeling, my ex was my priority number 1 but due to her starting a job in care work and being a single mother our time together was stretched thin, she had a lot of stress on her plate and ultimately it took it's toll, I'm pretty sure she got on with it happily and she was probably relieved to be out of the relationship, as for me, I've gotten on with things but I haven't done so without a heavy heart, at times just getting out of bed is a challenge, work and seeing friends only becomes another daunting challenge, I've broken down on many occasions, I can't so much as talk to another woman without the thought creeping in that I would rather be talking to my ex, I have decided to remain single and take myself off the market completely as I'm finding it too difficult to function properly as is.

January 30, 2016

pseudoblepsia:

You literally sound so much like me!!

I have the same issue of holding onto a relationship and making sacrifices/compromises... I was actually going to post a question on here and see if anyone had any opinions for maybe why I do it. It's literally almost impossible for me to walk away from a relationship once I love them, the only way I can think that would be a no brainer would be if they cheated.

Looking back, I want kids (not now, years from now but still) and he 100% doesn't and is going to get a vasectomy at some point (he's 26 and I'm 22 by the way).

He's on the fence about marriage partly because his fiance of four years cheated and he says it opened his eyes. I want to get married at some point in my life.

In terms of religion, we don't agree.

Logically, multiple reasons for me to have walked away and I didn't...

My "plan" was to ignore those issues and hope it would somehow work out (I knew it wouldn't; my delusion that somehow it would made me feel safe though).

it's great to find someone is a very similar situation!!

I don't know about your guy, but I don't believe he walked away because he didn't love me. He's a very honest man and I genuinely believe that it's because his career is so important. I have to face it; he wouldn't have been able to be a good boyfriend to me during those two years. But yes, I can't help but interpret things as him having regrets even though I know it's not. Thursday night we had a closure phone call and he said he's been reflecting the past few days since the breakup and it's actually solidified that he did the right thing.. Ugh.

DrMario:

I can't imagine being with another man and it kills me to realize someday I'll have to be.

Unfortunately, I seem to stay hung up on my ex until I find someone new I like. Not totally in love, but they still have the power to set me back a bit.

Edited January 30, 2016 by amberjadej

January 30, 2016

Does anyone else think that's true? I don't because this is his passion/dream and I'd never want to stand in the way. Also, he actually told me (in a polite way) a few months ago that his career was #1 over friends, family, etc. He's ridiculously career driven. His friends/family told me when he was in school a few years ago, they never saw him. I don't feel like it's just that he wanted out.

Yes, I thinks that's true.

I'd like to add this:

The people in our lives are what matters most. Or at least, they should matter most.

They are more important than any job. They are more important than academic distinction, more important than fame and fortune, more important than money in the bank, or anything else.

Everything outside our relationships is just the scenery of our lives and the context within which we exist.

It's nice to achieve our goals, but that's second tier stuff.

The top tier is people and their wellbeing, and what we can and should do for them.

We're not just here for ourselves.

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