Want to move on but don't want to let him become a stranger?

January 27, 2016

I would love to hear that he made a mistake, yes, but I'm not expecting that. I know we won't get back together as hard as it is to admit it.

I wouldn't even trust him anymore; I'd always be worrying that maybe he's thinking of breaking up again and I just didn't know.

But in relation to your friend, my ex claims he still loves me. He said he didn't break up with me because he stopped loving me. Just that our personalities are too different and he's not as happy as he should be and you need little nuances to keep it going. Still not totally sure what he meant by that either.

He always assured me that our differences in personality weren't an issue for him. I'm an extrovert and he's an introvert.

I'm worried about finding an honest guy in the future. Eddie was the first guy who didn't lie/cheat. He was bluntly honest and I loved it.

I hear so many stories of men cheating and it makes me nervous. My mom is currently dealing with finding out her boyfriend cheated.

And yes, I'm 100000% sure there's not another girl. I know him better than that and he would've said so. he is too honest usually. He has no filter and doesn't worry about sugar coating things

January 27, 2016

That's a very hard place to be in. Not having a clear reason why things should end. Especially if you really love a person that much.

Only one aid for that girl: Follow the rules of No Contact.

January 27, 2016

I'm going no contact after tomorrow. I just want one final phone call to see if I can maybe get some more specific answers as to why he wasn't happy.

I left so quickly after the breakup that I never got answers.

Also, what do I do if he tries contacting me during NC?

I am also worried about in the future dating a guy and thinking we're super happy and all that and then this happening again. My ex repeatedly told me he was happy. So how would I even know?

January 27, 2016

I just feel like I need a closure conversation. I can't explain it.

I totally understand what you mean, as I'm sure many others do. I had a quite traumatic and abrupt end to my relationship that left me in limbo; coupled with my compulsion and desire to 'know' things, I completely lost it - begging her even after a couple of months to give me that final closure conversation. The more I pushed her for it, the more closed off she became, ignoring me and basically erasing me from her life, making me feel worse.

The harsh truth, as you probably know, is that you will never get that closure from your ex and you will never get the answers you crave. So, you need to find a way to accept that and create the closure yourself. I'm still trying to work out for myself what that is, but I know it's what people in our situation must do.

I am also worried about in the future dating a guy and thinking we're super happy and all that and then this happening again. My ex repeatedly told me he was happy. So how would I even know?

Again, I know exactly how you feel (sounds like you and I have had a very similar experience!). You're scared of going through that whole process again - opening yourself up, making commitments - only to get done all over again. I tried dating a lot after my break-up and I just couldn't bring myself to progress with any of the girls, precisely because of this fear.

One thing I have come to realise is that actions speak louder than words. An ex might say things - they're happy, they still love you, etc. - but if their actions contradict what hey say, that tells you all you need to know.

Edited January 27, 2016 by CDJ

January 27, 2016

I
I am also worried about in the future dating a guy and thinking we're super happy and all that and then this happening again. My ex repeatedly told me he was happy. So how would I even know?

I never had any official relationship as I have severe anxiety that involves this kind of scenario. I am afraid to be abandoned, cheated and be replaced. They said that life has no guarantees, and I understood that. But my issues stem from low self-esteem, self-regard and self-love.

Well, that's my issue anyway. But YOU! You managed to love, to give and to experience it. A bump in the road (or, maybe a few more) will just lead you on and on towards the right guy who will stick by you! I envy you actually since you have made the progress already and you survived real relationship problems while I can't even deal my own imaginary ones. I live in fear, and it's not a good thing.

Don't follow my footsteps.

January 27, 2016

I totally understand what you mean, as I'm sure many others do. I had a quite traumatic and abrupt end to my relationship that left me in limbo; coupled with my compulsion and desire to 'know' things, I completely lost it - begging her even after a couple of months to give me that final closure conversation. The more I pushed her for it, the more closed off she became, ignoring me and basically erasing me from her life, making me feel worse.

The harsh truth, as you probably know, is that you will never get that closure from your ex and you will never get the answers you crave. So, you need to find a way to accept that and create the closure yourself. I'm still trying to work out for myself what that is, but I know it's what people in our situation must do.

Again, I know exactly how you feel (sounds like you and I have had a very similar experience!). You're scared of going through that whole process again - opening yourself up, making commitments - only to get done all over again. I tried dating a lot after my break-up and I just couldn't bring myself to progress with any of the girls, precisely because of this fear.

One thing I have come to realise is that actions speak louder than words. An ex might say things - they're happy, they still love you, etc. - but if their actions contradict what hey say, that tells you all you need to know.

Well he's willing for us to have a closure talk and we're actually supposed to do it later today.

The other issue is that his actions said he loved me.

he was attentive, sweet, caring, paid attention to stuff I liked and would surprise me later, we went on dates regularly and usually he wanted me to pick where and what we did, bought me expensive makeup/clothes (he wanted to, I said he didn't need to), and lots of other stuff. He even let me move in with him when there was a bad situation with my apartment.

I'm seriously going to miss him so much.

It's weird because the breakup would be a lot easier for me if it was simply because in the end we wanted different things (I wanted kids/marriage down the road and he definitely didn't want kids and was on the fence about marriage. He didn't know I wanted kids though)

Edited January 27, 2016 by amberjadej

January 27, 2016

Well he's willing for us to have a closure talk and we're actually supposed to do it later today.

If I were you I'd seriously reconsider this. I'm not saying don't ever do it, but things might still be too raw and emotional for you right now to approach it rationally and with a clear head; same for him, too. I'm sure if he's willing to do it now, he will be happy to wait a while longer. In the meantime, get some support/counselling (from friends, family, this forum) as it will help you work things out in you head more.

The other issue is that his actions said he loved me. he was attentive, sweet, caring, paid attention to stuff I liked and would surprise me later, we went on dates regularly and usually he wanted me to pick where and what we did, bought me expensive makeup/clothes (he wanted to, I said he didn't need to), and lots of other stuff. He even let me move in with him when there was a bad situation with my apartment.

My girlfriend was exactly the same with me, even to the very end. It was her way of showing love - and an easy way, buying people expensive things, and I think an unhealthy one. So, I suspect that when she was doing it at the end she was almost doing it out of habit, or perhaps to convince herself she still loved me and wanted to be with me, even though she didn't.

What I meant by judging the actions is that specifically it's their final actions that count - not least, how they deal with things when they go wrong, with difficulties, trauma, etc; and, how they treat you.

January 27, 2016

CDJ, so do you think he doesn't love me?

I thought he did but just realized it wouldn't work in the end.

I had similar thoughts since we did want different things but I wanted to believe it'd work somehow. I didn't want to go through this pain I'm going through right now ironically enough.

I would wait for the closure phone call but I feel like it's something I need to get done now. If I wait weeks from now, I'll have to talk to him later once I'll probably have started healing and I think it'll bring me back into it.

I also think that having some clarity will help me as well.

I just realized something though... even if he wanted to get back together, I don't think I'd do it..

I love who he is, he's an amazing guy and I love him so much, but in the end, we do want different things and it's better to deal with the pain now rather than a year or whenever from now.

One of my friends thinks he doesn't wanna have a final closure conversation/is having second thoughts because he was actually the one to offer if I felt the need and then agreed when I realized I needed to, but now isn't responding to my messages about when we can talk and about getting the last of my things. He's reading but not responding.

I'm doubtful of that but my guy friend insists that's what's happening.

One other thing that confuses me is that there were a few times I'd tried to leave and he always stopped me and said we were going to work it out. Even just a week or so before we actually split.

Only a few days before the split he told me that us breaking up before was a mistake and he wasn't going to let it happen again..

Edited January 27, 2016 by amberjadej

January 27, 2016

CDJ, so do you think he doesn't love me?
I thought he did but just realized it wouldn't work in the end.
I had similar thoughts since we did want difference things but I wanted to believe it'd work somehow. I didn't want to go through this pain I'm going through right now ironically enough.

I would wait for the closure phone call but I feel like it's something I need to get done now. If I wait weeks from now, I'll have to talk to him later once I'll probably have started healing and I think it'll bring me back into it.
I also think that having some clarity will help me as well.

I just realized something though... even if he wanted to get back together, I don't think I'd do it..
I love who he is, he's an amazing guy and I love him so much, but in the end, we do want different things.

One of my friends thinks he doesn't wanna have a final closure conversation/is having second thoughts because he was actually the one to offer if I felt the need and then agreed when I realized I needed to, but now isn't responding to my messages about when we can talk and about getting the last of my things. He's reading but not responding.
I'm doubtful of that but my guy friend insists that's what's happening.

Maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he loves you in a way that he can't quite articulate or understand himself. Maybe he loves you in a different way to how he used to. The point is that you will never know for sure, no matter what he says (especially because he himself might not really know how he feels).

We can torture ourselves with such questions and uncertainties. After my break-up my ex told me she still loved me, and then went on to do something horrible to me. I couldn't get my head around how she could say one thing and do something that contradicted it. That's one of the things I needed to know for 'closure'. But if I had managed to speak to her and ask her these questions, I might not have got an honest answer...or I might have got an answer that made me feel worse or added questions...or she might not have known the answer herself!

I really know how you feel when you say that something needs to be done now. You think that things can't get much worse than they currently are, and you have that immediate need to fix the pain. Take it from me, things can get worse - you might learn more hurtful things, you might push him away further and never get what you feel you need to get, you might say things you regret.

I wish I'd come on this forum earlier and followed the advice about 'no contact', and about accepting we probably never will get the answers we need. I know it's easier to say than do, though, especially for someone going through what you are going through! It's just my opinion, of course; others here might have alternative views.

January 27, 2016

I'm going to do the call but that'll be it. It'll be 100% no contact after.

It would almost be helpful if he said something hurtful because it's always easier for me to move on when I have the "he doesn't deserve me" mentality.

January 27, 2016

Ok, it's your choice, of course. Just remember to stay calm and try not to push him or lay it on to thick; otherwise he might get defensive and shut down.

January 27, 2016

I just feel like I need a closure conversation. I can't explain it. And if he says something hurtful, I feel like it'll help me move on. It's hard for me to get over someone if I'm not angry with them.
.

I'm in a very similar situation, and I wanted to hear him say he was bored with me and hence done with the relationship. I figured that would mean there was nothing I could've done differently, so no regrets. If it was something I did, I'd be beating myself up for it for God knows how long and blame myself for ruining my life (yeah, I know how that sounds...).

I've since realized it will hurt either way, the outcome will regardless of the reasons be that he's out of your life. But the pain will lessen with time! Trust me.

I felt excruciating pain and a devastating void the first few days. Now it's only been 10 days and the pain feels somewhat duller and more in the background. I feel a little numb, tired and empty. In my case it's looking like the reasons behind the breakup were a huge, obscure mess which is ideal for making me tell myself there could be a second chance later. It's probably just a coping mechanism for me.

January 27, 2016

Don't do the closure talk, it'll mess you up. I think he gave you good reasons for the break up. In his eyes, you were not compatible. Does he need to give good reasons for that? It's just the way he feels. The reasons he will give you will sound like excuses to you and they probably are. Because sometimes you can't explain a feeling.

I know exactly how you feel, but it's a never ending cycle you are about to enter. You will have a very understanding conversation where he'll try to explain why. You get off the phone, or you leave the place where you met. You will feel satisfied and think: "Well, that was nice. This makes me feel so much better." But in the following days your brain will come up with more questions and you will feel like you are not satisfied with the answers he gave you. I've been there.

The only person who can give you closure is... you. How? By just getting on with your life. It that easy? No it'll probably feel like hell, but almost everybody on this forum endured that hell and got through it.

When I came to this forum six months ago I was like you too. Break-up out of the blue, left clueless. I tried all those talks and it did not get me anywhere. If he's hurt you probably will start to annoy him. I annoyed my ex with all my questions, and it's a feeling that's way worse than being left clueless.

And you saying that you feel like it was helpful if he'd say anything to hurt you is nonsense. He won't and that's the problem. You might start wondering: 'Wow, he said he loved me and was so caring. I miss him even more now,' and that scenario is already happening because you are wondering right now that he said he loved you. And if he hurt you by saying nasty things you will open a thread here in about a month asking people why he could say those things after declaring he loved you just a few days earlier. But that's where you can push people with closure talks and questions.

It all sounds unreasonable and childish that they won't want to talk it over or explain the whole situation to you. But that's because they are hurt too and don't want to remember the situation at this moment. If he's sorry, he'll be back. If he's not, than you started healing right away in stead of dragging on and on like I did.

But in the end, it's all about you. For some people closure talks work, for others the talks don't work. Go LC, keep communications lines open and if you find out that does not work for you go NC. After that you can always block him.

January 27, 2016

Don't do the closure talk, it'll mess you up. I think he gave you good reasons for the break up. In his eyes, you were not compatible. Does he need to give good reasons for that? It's just the way he feels.

I know exactly how you feel, but it's a never ending cycle you are about to enter. You will have a very understanding conversation where he'll try to explain why. You get off the phone, or you leave the place where you met. You will feel satisfied and think: "Well, that was nice. This makes me feel so much better." But in the following days your brain will come up with more questions and you will feel like you are not satisfied with the answers he gave you. I've been there.

The only person who can give you closure is... you. How? By just getting on with your life. It that easy? No it'll probably feel like hell, but almost everybody on this forum endured that hell and got through it.

When I came to this forum six months ago I was like you too. Break-up out of the blue, left clueless. I tried all those talks and it did not get me anywhere. If he's hurt you probably will start to annoy him. I annoyed my ex with all my questions, and it's a feeling that's way worse than being left clueless.

And you saying that you feel like it was helpful if he'd say anything to hurt you is nonsense. He won't and that's the problem. You might start wondering: 'Wow, he said he loved me and was so caring. I miss him even more now,' and that scenario is already happening because you are wondering right now that he said he loved you. And if he hurt you by saying nasty things you will open a thread here in about a month asking people why he could say those things after declaring he loved you just a few days earlier. But that's where you can push people with closure talks and questions.

It all sounds unreasonable and childish that they won't want to talk it over or explain the whole situation to you. But that's because they are hurt too and don't want to remember the situation at this moment. If he's sorry, he'll be back. If he's not, than you started healing right away in stead of dragging on and on like I did.

But in the end, it's all about you. For some people closure talks work, for others the talks don't work. Go LC, keep communications lines open and if you find out that does not work for you go NC. After that you can always block him.

Took the words out of my mind

January 27, 2016

I don't want to only know why he was unhappy. There are some other things that seem to make sense now and I just want to get somethings out. If I do say certain things, it'll drive me nuts and I'll end up breaking my no contact

January 27, 2016

I don't want to only know why he was unhappy. There are some other things that seem to make sense now and I just want to get somethings out. If I do say certain things, it'll drive me nuts and I'll end up breaking my no contact

They might make sense now, but then after speaking with him they might stop making sense. Just be prepared for that.

January 27, 2016

I don't want to only know why he was unhappy. There are some other things that seem to make sense now and I just want to get somethings out. If I do say certain things, it'll drive me nuts and I'll end up breaking my no contact

Call him if you truly feel like you need to, we aren't here to force your hand. All we can do is provide our experience in order to guide you in the best possible direction that will hurt you the least, and warn you of the things that may come back to bite you.

I do hope that if you decide to call, that you do get what you want and it doesn't lead to you questioning more, just be aware of the potential risk.

January 27, 2016

Call him if you truly feel like you need to, we aren't here to force your hand. All we can do is provide our experience in order to guide you in the best possible direction that will hurt you the least, and warn you of the things that may come back to bite you.

I do hope that if you decide to call, that you do get what you want and it doesn't lead to you questioning more, just be aware of the potential risk.

These are all fair warnings to you. You will do what you need, but you will rather feel the same or worse....

From me having a similar experience as your ex. I broke up with an amazing girl after 3 years, an engagement, and a child. It was an awful thing to go through. It hurt something awful, but in a much different way than being broken up with.

From this experience I am telling you I did not have a good reason. All I had was "something doesn't feel right." I no longer saw a future with her. I was no longer happy. She would demand answers that I didn't have! There is no why, there is no reason, there was no one day or event or even series of events that made me decide to go another way.

I had felt this way for months. I had one foot in and one foot out. I just never showed her that I was slowly detaching, because I didn't know why it was happening and I thought it would change, but it didn't. One day I met another girl and broke up with my ex the next day. A month later the new girl and I made it official. For my ex we had broken up a month ago, for me we were done 6 months before.

My ex was great, kind, smart, funny, mother of my child, good job, great sex, good cook and very beautiful. A true catch. Why did I fall out of love....I don't know and neither does your ex!!

January 27, 2016

When they are cruel and abrupt like this, its almost always because of a 3rd party.

I'm willing to bet there is someone else.Even he admitted he preferred it didnt happen that way.

Regarding the love question. Its generally a case of the fact they LOVE you but are not IN LOVE with you.

IN LOVE is a more passionate and romantic feeling.

Almost all relationship transition from the IN LOVE to LOVE stage. Sadly, some folks leave when that happens.

January 27, 2016

Hi, you sound exactly like me! I feel exactly what you feel and my bf of a year and half did the same exact thing on Monday, unexpectedly broke up. He was also a great guy and we had a great relationship. I'm absolutely devastated and also hate to think of a new guy that isn't "him". I know all the rules because I've been through this before but since I'm living it now, I can barely function. The only thing that can help me right now is talking to others that are going through it too (which is why we're here). Please let me know if you'd like to talk more! Hugs

January 27, 2016

When they are cruel and abrupt like this, its almost always because of a 3rd party.

I'm willing to bet there is someone else.Even he admitted he preferred it didnt happen that way.

Regarding the love question. Its generally a case of the fact they LOVE you but are not IN LOVE with you.

IN LOVE is a more passionate and romantic feeling.

Almost all relationship transition from the IN LOVE to LOVE stage. Sadly, some folks leave when that happens.

Sadly, this is very true. Add that some people are really lousy communicators and you'll have your perfect cocktail for a break up 'out of the blue'.

January 28, 2016

Hi, you sound exactly like me! I feel exactly what you feel and my bf of a year and half did the same exact thing on Monday, unexpectedly broke up. He was also a great guy and we had a great relationship. I'm absolutely devastated and also hate to think of a new guy that isn't "him". I know all the rules because I've been through this before but since I'm living it now, I can barely function. The only thing that can help me right now is talking to others that are going through it too (which is why we're here). Please let me know if you'd like to talk more! Hugs

Hi, yes I'd definitely like to talk more. I think I'm moving from the shocked phase to the angry/crying phase. None of it feels real to me at all; it feels like some weird dream or something

January 28, 2016

Also I am convinced it isn't another woman. He would've told me. He dumped an ex of his before when he met someone he was more interested in and told her that was why.

Also, I don't think he fell out of love necessarily, he said that we were too different personality wise and that it would cause issues down the road. I can agree with that because there were times it interfered.

I don't think it's the transition from in love to love either because he was with his fiancé for four years til she cheated on him a few years ago. They were very similar types and stuff though. He and I are fairly different and I was shocked almost when we started dating and I actually liked him

Edited January 28, 2016 by amberjadej

January 28, 2016

I had a similar viewpoint during my BU.

But, as the days and weeks go by, you will soon realize that the reasons he has given are only partly the truth and a sugar-coated version.

The IN LOVE to LOVE stage can happen years down the line. Its not necessarily associated with the ending of the honeymoon phase.

I am assuming that u asked him if there was somebody else?

Normally pushing for answers makes things worse but your BU was like mine, very sudden and cruel (and "yes" it was because she met someone else). In these particular cases, at least finding out if there is someone else may be necessary.

January 28, 2016

Amberjade-I was thinking just the same. I'm out of the shocking stage and into the angry stage. It's his birthday today so I texted happy bday and I also said how confused, sad I am etc. He never replied. He also said we had differences but just like you, I wanted to talk more because it was so fast. I'm so sad day and night. He was my best friend and he's gone and doesn't care. I feel like you're the only one who can relate right now.

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