bystarlight Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Hi everyone, I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and love him but I have on and off though of breaking up for about a year. We are 26 and 29 and so we talk about things getting more serious eventually and I am worried he is not the one. I am frightful because I dont know if I'm letting this go on for too long and making things worse or if we are going to be good for each other in the long run. Let me start with some feelings I have: I sometimes wonder if there is someone out there better for me. I have a lot of dreams of us fighting, even though we don't really fight much in real life. I have dreams of kissing other guys that aren't real people, they're just random guys my brain made up. I know they are just dreams but it worries me. Here are some of his good qualities: He has his own house and car and works hard all the time. He is good at finances and is preparing for retirement. We have many similar interests and I always have fun when I'm with him in person. He is an old soul like I am. We like the same sports teams. I trust him with other girls and with his friends that he wont be influenced by them or do anything stupid Is caring ie gives me a blanket when he sees im cold etc. He is funny smart and cute He's very resourceful Loves animals like myself Is not into smoking or drugs Makes me gifts for holidays Here are the things that I am worrying about: -His parents are crazy and will pop into his house without calling and just come right in. It makes him paranoid of them. They use his stuff and take his stuff from his house and it pisses him and me off. He won't talk to them about it because they are sensitive crazy people and drives me absolutely insane. What will happen when we get married? -He works really hard but he hates his job so much it makes him miserable but he has a house to pay for and cant leave. I mean constantly miserable, depressed, stressed out. -There is never a good time to have an argument with him, he gets angry and goes off about how hard he works and how dare I bring something up -I can never seem to make him feel better with a positive spin, he is still negative. -My life is already planned out for me, I will move in his house get a job near him etc., it is kind of scary but good at the same time? -He sometimes brags and it is a turn off I know this stuff seems less important, but here are my main worries: -I had a very flat stomach when we began dating and I gained weight in that area and he has made comments about it that have upset me. I told him this but in my heart I feel like he is not happy with the way I look and it makes me feel self conscious because I hate it myself but don't do much about it. He is very blunt and honest (he has a very high IQ and I think it affects his emotions) and I am sensitive. -He has very bad OCD, and everything in his house must be perfect. If I put a cup on wood without a coaster he gets upset, if I spill something he gets upset, if I don't do something his way it is the wrong way. I am very confused and worried, I want it to be him that I marry but I don't want these qualities to be a problem forever and I'm upset that I feel like another guy would be better. I know it's my choice in the end, but I appreciate any advice you may have for me. Thank you for reading my post.
DatingDirection Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Go with your intuition. It never lies. 2
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Here are some of his good qualities: He has his own house and car and works hard all the time. He is good at finances and is preparing for retirement. We have many similar interests and I always have fun when I'm with him in person. He is an old soul like I am. We like the same sports teams. I trust him with other girls and with his friends that he wont be influenced by them or do anything stupid Is caring ie gives me a blanket when he sees im cold etc. He is funny smart and cute He's very resourceful Loves animals like myself Is not into smoking or drugs Makes me gifts for holidays What I find interesting is you start with Here are his qualities and you are listing aspects of him yes but those are not qualities. Having a house, being good with finance, being resourceful, being cute. I don't read anything about how he makes you feel. Does he make you feel beautiful, desired, interesting, important? Is he loving, attentive, respectful, considerate, is he a good listener? Those are qualities of the heart you want in a mate. Here are the things that I am worrying about: -His parents are crazy and will pop into his house without calling and just come right in. It makes him paranoid of them. They use his stuff and take his stuff from his house and it pisses him and me off. He won't talk to them about it because they are sensitive crazy people and drives me absolutely insane. What will happen when we get married? -He works really hard but he hates his job so much it makes him miserable but he has a house to pay for and cant leave. I mean constantly miserable, depressed, stressed out. -There is never a good time to have an argument with him, he gets angry and goes off about how hard he works and how dare I bring something up -I can never seem to make him feel better with a positive spin, he is still negative. -My life is already planned out for me, I will move in his house get a job near him etc., it is kind of scary but good at the same time? -He sometimes brags and it is a turn off I know this stuff seems less important, but here are my main worries: -I had a very flat stomach when we began dating and I gained weight in that area and he has made comments about it that have upset me. I told him this but in my heart I feel like he is not happy with the way I look and it makes me feel self conscious because I hate it myself but don't do much about it. He is very blunt and honest (he has a very high IQ and I think it affects his emotions) and I am sensitive. -He has very bad OCD, and everything in his house must be perfect. If I put a cup on wood without a coaster he gets upset, if I spill something he gets upset, if I don't do something his way it is the wrong way. I am very confused and worried, I want it to be him that I marry but I don't want these qualities to be a problem forever and I'm upset that I feel like another guy would be better. I know it's my choice in the end, but I appreciate any advice you may have for me. Thank you for reading my post. You know your answer already. What you see is what you get. No he won't change. His parents won't change and it will be worse if you have children they will own the children too. I would not want to be with someone who gets mad at me for spilling a glas so of milk!! c'mon!! Life is too short to put up with that sh$t!!! That goes with the comment about your stomach. There is a way to address the woman you love. 2
thecrucible Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I don't know if you want to have children in the future but to me, the thing about not being able to cope with you putting mugs down without a coaster makes me think that that's a person who couldn't cope with children running about the house. Just out of curiosity, what sort of comments has he made about your stomach?
sin miedo Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Just out of curiosity, what sort of comments has he made about your stomach? I am also interested in this. As a man, I think it's common sense not to make negative comments about your GF's body. There are better ways of going about it - things like initiating exercising together or making healthier food for dinner. Verbal degradation demonstrates a lack of empathy and understanding. If I was you, I'd kick him to the curb on that alone.
Author bystarlight Posted January 26, 2016 Author Posted January 26, 2016 I am also interested in this. As a man, I think it's common sense not to make negative comments about your GF's body. There are better ways of going about it - things like initiating exercising together or making healthier food for dinner. Verbal degradation demonstrates a lack of empathy and understanding. If I was you, I'd kick him to the curb on that alone. He tries to joke about it and say he's worried I'll get fat when I'm old but he'll still love me, he asks me if I have exercised today, he has said that my stomach is looking better and it bothers me because I don't think he should say anything at all. I told him how much it bothered me and now he'll just say that it looks good and he kisses it no matter what it looks like, he says he wants me to be healthier because I do not really exercise but I'm paranoid and afraid it's just about the looks.
Lily blue Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) Oh my God, what you describe him is just like my boyfriend and you are just like me I mean really. We also been together almost two years too. My BF is too have high IQ and in Finance job and very successful and works very hard and hates his job and have bad OCD and he is very fit and he works out four times a week with heavy weights.... I am skinny always been but I have no butt because I am Asian so he wants me to have butt he even offer a surgery but I do not want that so I Join the gym and oak out with weight training and now I have butt and he loves it ... Oh and he cares how he look and take almost two hours for him to get ready everyday even if it is on the weekend..... He has very many great qualities that won't find in most other guys thought and we have fun but I too thought about breaking off a lot when he is not with me but when I see his face, I am crazy about him. So weird feeling. By the way, my boyfriend is 51 and I m 46 we both married once and divorced years ago before he and I met. Anyway, we live together and I don't work because he say I don't need to and he too everything kind of his way and it's the right way kind of a guy.....we don't fight at all and he is very sensitive thought .....and clean freak because of OCD But he loves me dearly and cars about me and if I get upsad, he freaks out and he can't handle when I am sad he try anything to make me happy.... I try to break off with him once because of his OCD and his perfection personality, he cried and beg for me to stay and he say he will change..... But slowly he is changing...not easy for him to change because OCD is disease and in his case is genetic....his entire family has it from generations.... But he is changing slowly because he don't want to loose me....I can leave few dirty dishes in the sink or I rearrange stuff the way I like and he is looking for a new job and new location because I am really bore here ....he likes animals but won't have one because they are dirty and he say he cannot handle animal hair or fur falling everywhere but I love dog ...he is thinking about getting me a dog now too..... His family loves me and his mom is crazy about me thought and afraid of loosing me too so, whenever I get upsad, he calls his mom for help too lol Anyway, if he loves you, he will slowly change even if it drive him nuts or can't stand house is not perfectly organized as he wants but he will loosen up little by little and slowly give up because he don't want to loose you. His mom says he is always been this way but she say he is crazy about me and that I am best thing ever happen to his life and she say it is huge deal that he is changing and giving up little by little because he loves me...he never changed his way for no one....not with his Ex wife nor Ex girl friend before... Anyway, try and scare him like I did to see if he is afraid of loosing you.... Or give it sometime....sounds like he does love you but his OCD is doing the most damage like mine and that is hard on anyone but it depends on will you sacrifice and understand him and accept him as he is than it gets easier...I also try to learn more about OCD and I accept the any he is and it gets easier too But if not....find the guy without OCD.....without OCD, my boyfriend is perfect and so is yours....because he is funny, very attentive, affectionate and very faithful too.OCD is hard to cure....even guys without the OCD, no one is perfect there will be something else it gets in your nerves ..... Edited January 26, 2016 by Lily blue
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I think you know what to do. You're not happy and it doesn't sound like he has a lot personality characteristics that attract you and in fact will probably cause problems in the long-term,
Tribble Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 If you think about breaking up, you should just do it. You clearly aren't happy. Starting over is difficult, but you sound comfy, not in love. The 'good qualities' you list are great on paper but they're obviously not enough for you. When you find someone you want the whole 9 yards with, the other stuff shouldn't matter. If you truly wanted to be with him, you wouldn't be doing a pro:con list. Someone doesn't have to be a horrible person for it not to work. You just aren't feeling it and sometimes that can't be explained. Dating is the interview. Marriage is (theoretically) for life. You have to be thorough to find the person you want. And no amount of rationalising and qualities on paper can point you to your forever person.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 If you have to even ask the question then the answer is probably yes.
Miss Peach Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) I am also interested in this. As a man, I think it's common sense not to make negative comments about your GF's body. There are better ways of going about it - things like initiating exercising together or making healthier food for dinner. Verbal degradation demonstrates a lack of empathy and understanding. If I was you, I'd kick him to the curb on that alone. I dated a guy like that after my divorce. He constantly made fun of my stomach and even offered to pay for a tummy tuck. If he's having that big of an issue now just imagine what it would be like with a few kids and you're stuck in each other's lives. I also had a BF in college who told me he wasn't as attractive to me since I was so heavy. I was a size 4! Hardly plus sized. I was worried after my divorce if I would still be attractive to men because I didn't look like I did in college after kids but I was still attractive. It has never been a problem find men. I have always been able to get several of them anytime I wanted. Don't think he is the last chance you'll ever have. There are other men. It can suck to go out on lots of dates but if you have the right mind set it can be fun too. Have you read the book 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'? Based on some of the things you posted he says it might be worth a read to see if he's really all that great. Edited January 26, 2016 by Miss Peach
Robratory Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 -There is never a good time to have an argument with him, he gets angry and goes off about how hard he works and how dare I bring something up -I had a very flat stomach when we began dating and I gained weight in that area and he has made comments about it that have upset me. -He has very bad OCD, and everything in his house must be perfect. If I put a cup on wood without a coaster he gets upset, if I spill something he gets upset, if I don't do something his way it is the wrong way. Sorry, but those three are complete deal breakers. It's not his fault that he has OCD, and that itself is not the deal break. But he doesn't seem to be interested in managing his OCD, and worse, he makes you the target of his stress. Deal breaker. Break up with him. Definitely do not marry him.
Author bystarlight Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 Oh my God, what you describe him is just like my boyfriend and you are just like me I mean really. We also been together almost two years too. My BF is too have high IQ and in Finance job and very successful and works very hard and hates his job and have bad OCD and he is very fit and he works out four times a week with heavy weights.... I am skinny always been but I have no butt because I am Asian so he wants me to have butt he even offer a surgery but I do not want that so I Join the gym and oak out with weight training and now I have butt and he loves it ... Oh and he cares how he look and take almost two hours for him to get ready everyday even if it is on the weekend..... He has very many great qualities that won't find in most other guys thought and we have fun but I too thought about breaking off a lot when he is not with me but when I see his face, I am crazy about him. So weird feeling. By the way, my boyfriend is 51 and I m 46 we both married once and divorced years ago before he and I met. Anyway, we live together and I don't work because he say I don't need to and he too everything kind of his way and it's the right way kind of a guy.....we don't fight at all and he is very sensitive thought .....and clean freak because of OCD But he loves me dearly and cars about me and if I get upsad, he freaks out and he can't handle when I am sad he try anything to make me happy.... I try to break off with him once because of his OCD and his perfection personality, he cried and beg for me to stay and he say he will change..... But slowly he is changing...not easy for him to change because OCD is disease and in his case is genetic....his entire family has it from generations.... But he is changing slowly because he don't want to loose me....I can leave few dirty dishes in the sink or I rearrange stuff the way I like and he is looking for a new job and new location because I am really bore here ....he likes animals but won't have one because they are dirty and he say he cannot handle animal hair or fur falling everywhere but I love dog ...he is thinking about getting me a dog now too..... His family loves me and his mom is crazy about me thought and afraid of loosing me too so, whenever I get upsad, he calls his mom for help too lol Anyway, if he loves you, he will slowly change even if it drive him nuts or can't stand house is not perfectly organized as he wants but he will loosen up little by little and slowly give up because he don't want to loose you. His mom says he is always been this way but she say he is crazy about me and that I am best thing ever happen to his life and she say it is huge deal that he is changing and giving up little by little because he loves me...he never changed his way for no one....not with his Ex wife nor Ex girl friend before... Anyway, try and scare him like I did to see if he is afraid of loosing you.... Or give it sometime....sounds like he does love you but his OCD is doing the most damage like mine and that is hard on anyone but it depends on will you sacrifice and understand him and accept him as he is than it gets easier...I also try to learn more about OCD and I accept the any he is and it gets easier too But if not....find the guy without OCD.....without OCD, my boyfriend is perfect and so is yours....because he is funny, very attentive, affectionate and very faithful too.OCD is hard to cure....even guys without the OCD, no one is perfect there will be something else it gets in your nerves ..... That's crazy, thank you for your post and I hope you and ur bf do well together
Author bystarlight Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 I dated a guy like that after my divorce. He constantly made fun of my stomach and even offered to pay for a tummy tuck. If he's having that big of an issue now just imagine what it would be like with a few kids and you're stuck in each other's lives. I also had a BF in college who told me he wasn't as attractive to me since I was so heavy. I was a size 4! Hardly plus sized. I was worried after my divorce if I would still be attractive to men because I didn't look like I did in college after kids but I was still attractive. It has never been a problem find men. I have always been able to get several of them anytime I wanted. Don't think he is the last chance you'll ever have. There are other men. It can suck to go out on lots of dates but if you have the right mind set it can be fun too. Have you read the book 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'? Based on some of the things you posted he says it might be worth a read to see if he's really all that great. Thanks for your post, I do fear not finding anyone again even though it's stupid. & you're right, I was a junior's size 3/5 at the beginning and now I am a juniors 7/8...it's not like I gained 200 lbs
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