slow, respectful, steady persitence Vs. No Contact

[Halcyon1]

I get it, wow, do I get it, if there is one phrase repeated on this forum more than any other it is NO CONTACT. I get it. But is there anything to be said for compassionate, considerate, slow and steady persistence with an ex girl you want back?

 

I knew her 9 years, in love and together for five of those years. I was the dumper (dislike the term but that seems to be the lingo). I let her go overly focused on work, etc then fell into the classic trap of devastation (devastation like nothing I've ever experienced) once she began slowing down communication and then and only ending communication with me completely once she found adequate comfort and attention from another guy. The classic tale of don't know what you have until it's gone, etc. etc.

 

It's been 8 months that we've been broken up. She is still with him (the other guy) not living with him to my knowledge and not engaged or married. Any contact we've had has been initiated by me but has been very, very sparse. I never begged, never pleaded, but did pour out my feelings on one occasion in an e-mail though in a 100% truthful manor.

 

Over the past 8 months I've only messaged or emailed once every couple of months to which she doesn't reply -- she's very loyal and I'm certain part, if not all, of her not replying is out of concern for offending the relationship she's in which I respect.

 

I know the knee-jerk response: "she's gone, man, forget it, move on, etc" but as always, the difficult part is the fact I do know as certain as sunrise she was in love with me for five near perfect years, no difficulty between us, no abuse, no cheating, not even a single argument of significance. We were amazingly compatible, as perfect of a match as can be (truthfully) I just didn't commit after all of our time together when she was ready to move forward, thus, I blew it: that was my one major offense which understandably put her off and I have been trying ever since to know another opportunity with her, or at least regain speaking terms.

 

I'd like to ask the women primarily; and I know every case is unique; is there ever an instance when slow and steady persistence over time (even if it's years) appeals to a woman? I mean, is there ANYTHING to be said for slow and steady, respectful persistence to let a woman know how dearly you messed up and how willing you are to work to regain her heart?

 

Even if you never re-kindle the relationship completely, surely women appreciate, on some level, the consistency and effort of a man in love willing to "work for it" in a respectful manor -- or is is the name of the game forever and always simply "NO CONTACT!", you know?

 

Surely there's been a case where after a break-up one was steadily persistent and revived a relationship that wouldn't have been revived without his persistence.

 

I've also heard the term "active no contact" which is along the lines of what I'm getting at. So that's my question, whether they contact you or not, dating or not, tell you to take a hike or not, do women ever appreciate gradual, slow, consistent effort to demonstrate a man's willingness to be forgiven and his level of commitment and devotion to reuiniting and committing to her or is it always just "go buy a new shirt and cologne, work out, date others, take up bowling, learn a second language and NO CONTACT!"?

Edited January 25, 2016 by Halcyon1

[Tayla]

friendship yes. Anything more. Nope!

 

It wasn't an intermission for Act 2.

 

She has moved on. Respect that.

[Blanco]

I'm not a woman, but it's been my understanding that once a woman with a healthy sense of self is done with a guy/relationship, she's done.

 

You find yourself in an unfortunate predicament. You realize you made mistakes, but it sounds like those realizations came too late.

 

The thing is, you set her free. It hurts when someone we cared about moves on. But we have to respect that, because to not do so is selfish. By all accounts, she has sincerely moved on. She's not just with another guy. She's made no effort to reach out to you and she has outright ignored most of your attempts to re-enter her life.

 

I know your efforts don't come from a malicious place, but you have to understand that the motives are purely selfish and show no consideration for what she does or doesn't want. It's cliche, but if you really cared about her and what makes her happy, you'd respect her new relationship and cease trying to ruin it for your own personal gain.

[Satu]

She's moved on and so should you.

 

Leave her to enjoy such happiness as her new relationship affords her.

 

Seek your own happiness elsewhere.

 

 

Take care.

[Neffer]

Female responding here. To be blunt: no. There is no case for slow and steady. You are not being respectful either, by the way. You are being intrusive and perhaps a bit of a pest. Her not responding to your messages is a clear indication that she is done. You should actually respect that.

 

Sorry, but that is the truth. She has moved on. let her live her life

[renny]

I get it, wow, do I get it, if there is one phrase repeated on this forum more than any other it is NO CONTACT. I get it. But is there anything to be said for compassionate, considerate, slow and steady persistence with an ex girl you want back?

 

I knew her 9 years, in love and together for five of those years. I was the dumper (dislike the term but that seems to be the lingo). I let her go overly focused on work, etc then fell into the classic trap of devastation (devastation like nothing I've ever experienced) once she began slowing down communication and then and only ending communication with me completely once she found adequate comfort and attention from another guy. The classic tale of don't know what you have until it's gone, etc. etc.

 

It's been 8 months that we've been broken up. She is still with him (the other guy) not living with him to my knowledge and not engaged or married. Any contact we've had has been initiated by me but has been very, very sparse. I never begged, never pleaded, but did pour out my feelings on one occasion in an e-mail though in a 100% truthful manor.

 

Over the past 8 months I've only messaged or emailed once every couple of months to which she doesn't reply -- she's very loyal and I'm certain part, if not all, of her not replying is out of concern for offending the relationship she's in which I respect.

 

I know the knee-jerk response: "she's gone, man, forget it, move on, etc" but as always, the difficult part is the fact I do know as certain as sunrise she was in love with me for five near perfect years, no difficulty between us, no abuse, no cheating, not even a single argument of significance. We were amazingly compatible, as perfect of a match as can be (truthfully) I just didn't commit after all of our time together when she was ready to move forward, thus, I blew it: that was my one major offense which understandably put her off and I have been trying ever since to know another opportunity with her, or at least regain speaking terms.

 

I'd like to ask the women primarily; and I know every case is unique; is there ever an instance when slow and steady persistence over time (even if it's years) appeals to a woman? I mean, is there ANYTHING to be said for slow and steady, respectful persistence to let a woman know how dearly you messed up and how willing you are to work to regain her heart?

 

Even if you never re-kindle the relationship completely, surely women appreciate, on some level, the consistency and effort of a man in love willing to "work for it" in a respectful manor -- or is is the name of the game forever and always simply "NO CONTACT!", you know?

 

Surely there's been a case where after a break-up one was steadily persistent and revived a relationship that wouldn't have been revived without his persistence.

 

I've also heard the term "active no contact" which is along the lines of what I'm getting at. So that's my question, whether they contact you or not, dating or not, tell you to take a hike or not, do women ever appreciate gradual, slow, consistent effort to demonstrate a man's willingness to be forgiven and his level of commitment and devotion to reuiniting and committing to her or is it always just "go buy a new shirt and cologne, work out, date others, take up bowling, learn a second language and NO CONTACT!"?

 

I'd like to give you a guy's perspective if thats ok.

 

I Just came out of a situation similar to yours. Me and my ex of 6 years split for about a month or so. Toward the end of that month of very little contact, I realised that if i didnt take action, she would be gone for good. Turns out i was right. She was dating another guy, and had started making plans for him to come down to where she lived so they could spend time together. I decided to be assurtive and stop by her house, talk to her face to face, and get closure if nessesary. After a long talk, we agreed to take a trip out of town together over the weekend. We had a wonderful time and decided to give our relationship another go. She also called the other guy and let him know that she was putting the breaks on their budding relationship.

 

I think its all about timing and circumstance. You dumped her, and you waited too long. People are venerable during the early part of a breakup, and theres always a man/women ready and willing to take them off your hands if you put no effort into getting them back initally. the "no contact" rule doesn't always work. Sometimes, depending on the person, its the absolutely wrong thing to do. In your case it backfired, Now she's moved on because you gave her the time and space to. I really think you should chalk this one up as a loss beacuse even though she may still love you, she's probably not "in love" with you anymore. Her lack of response to you should confirm that. She's probably happy with her new man at this point. You really should move on. All youre doing is obsessing over something that is probably gone for good. Pick up the pieces, start dating again, and focus on meeting someone new, and not making the same mistakes you made with this one.

[Brando]

Sorry buddy. Day late, Buck short. I've been in your shoes and her shoes. It's over, move on. You set her free and she is happy with someone else. Respect her and her relationship. You dumped her.. Are you sure it's not your ego hurting now that you see she's just fine with someone else??? Sorry man...move on.

[mightycpa]

I think you do have one opportunity. That opportunity is to let her experience life with you not in it. One of two things will happen - your worst fears (most probable) and your greatest hope (unlikely). But as everyone has said, the more you hang around, the easier you are to dislike on a lot of levels.

 

Let her have her fun, let her have her experiences. Then in a couple of years, you can go take the temperature if you're still so inclined. There's a good chance you might meet someone that makes you forget too.

 

Anyway, breaking it off is your only hope now.

[marky00]

I get it, wow, do I get it, if there is one phrase repeated on this forum more than any other it is NO CONTACT. I get it. But is there anything to be said for compassionate, considerate, slow and steady persistence with an ex girl you want back?

 

 

You might want to check out my recent thread as I was in a similar situation to you and my Ex has recently asked for a reconciliation.

 

I did follow the slow and considerate approach you outlined.

 

Immediate post BU for 2 months I went NC and then broke it a few times to get some answers. The contact continued for another 6 months or so and then I was about 2 months NC when I noticed a shift and another month later she asked for the reconcilation. My contact was usually spaced out about every 6 weeks or so.

 

I think the reason my contact kept going was because about 3 months post BU to right up to the recon request, she would often make comments like "i'm definitely coming back to you when this relationship breaks up etc". What I started to realise was that she was fighting all the time with her new guy and although I think she did love him, she wasn't overly happy because this new guy wasn't accepting her for who she was, hence all the fighting.

 

Anyway, my point is that breaking NC is disrespectful if your going against the vibe she is giving out. In my case, she seemed so preoccupied with the crap going on with her new bf, I'm pretty sure my occasional contact did not have a negative impact on her.

 

You know her best and you will know when your crossing the line. Also, since it was you who initially broke it off, maybe there is more of a case to get across that you do care. But don't go overboard, a couple of times is enough.

 

Going the limited contact approach can be agonizing so bear that in mind but. It takes a lot of guts and strength to maintain the contact when your getting nothing in return. Stay strong in that contact, dont ever show a weakness (although its ok to say your affected by the whole thing if she does ask).

[Simon Phoenix]

You're digging your grave with each email you send. The only way you have any shot is to respect her wishes and leave her alone. She's probably gone forever, but your current strategy will just annoy and piss her off if it hasn't already.

[Halcyon1]

Thank you, all. Thank you all, sincerely. I know what to do.

 

I guess along with having to know the excruciating hurt of letting someone go who told me they loved me every day for 5 years and that I can't imagine life without -- is the lesson of truth that some people can walk away from 9 years of communication and 5 years of love without looking back. It's unimaginable to me.

 

I guess it's a truth that's always been there but just happening to me for the first time in my life leaving me less equipped as to how to properly just 'let-go' of someone of such indescribable significance to me.

 

I don't have that in me; I could certainly move on if I were in her place but being unwilling to acknowledge or speak to someone after 9 years with no history of problem between us (aside from my not committing when it was time to) is something I simply couldn't do, not to her (if our roles were reversed), not to anyone. Perhaps that makes sense to some of you whether it's naive of me or not.

 

I do wish that when she knew she was going to make that final break she would have told me right away as opposed to waiting and having open, daily communication with me for 4/5 months until she was knowing attention and comfort from another man which doubles the pain but I suppose that's human nature. Call it "branch swinging" or whatever you prefer but I do wish she would have simply said "it's done" the moment she knew she was going to begin pulling away instead waiting 4 or 5 months to say "I'm done" (because I now have someone else to fulfill all my needs) speaking of being respectful. I guess that is a very common occurrence as well though. I'm just having to learn these things for the first time I suppose. Thank you, and thank you for any other advice or thought.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Halcyon1

[DarkHorizon]

I do wish that when she knew she was going to make that final break she would have told me right away as opposed to waiting and having open, daily communication with me for 4/5 months instead of waiting to make the final break only once she was knowing attention and comfort from another man which doubles the pain but I suppose that's human nature.

 

That is exactly what happened to me.

In a four year relationship. It is pretty devastating.

[Wewon]

Thank you, all. Thank you all, sincerely. I know what to do.

 

I guess along with having to know the excruciating hurt of letting someone go who told me they loved me every day for 5 years and that I can't imagine life without -- is the lesson of truth that some people can walk away from 9 years of communication and 5 years of love without looking back. It's unimaginable to me.

 

I guess it's a truth that's always been there but just happening to me for the first time in my life leaving me less equipped as to how to properly just 'let-go' of someone of such indescribable significance to me.

 

I don't have that in me; I could certainly move on if I were in her place but being unwilling to acknowledge or speak to someone after 9 years with no history of problem between us (aside from my not committing when it was time to) is something I simply couldn't do, not to her (if our roles were reversed), not to anyone. Perhaps that makes sense to some of you whether it's naive of me or not.

 

I do wish that when she knew she was going to make that final break she would have told me right away as opposed to waiting and having open, daily communication with me for 4/5 months until she was knowing attention and comfort from another man which doubles the pain but I suppose that's human nature. Call it "branch swinging" or whatever you prefer but I do wish she would have simply said "it's done" the moment she knew she was going to begin pulling away instead waiting 4 or 5 months to say "I'm done" (because I now have someone else to fulfill all my needs) speaking of being respectful. I guess that is a very common occurrence as well though. I'm just having to learn these things for the first time I suppose. Thank you, and thank you for any other advice or thought.

 

Not to rub salt into the wound, but I wonder if this is really how things happened from her perspective.

 

Did she really simply switch out after 9 years or was there other things going on and you started seeing her once she was fed up? One being abrupt, the other being tapered over a length of time.

 

But I agree, the 'branch swinging' aspect adds to the pain.

[wendieann]

Hi. I've read your post and can feel your pain. It's only been a month since break up for me and he refuses to acknowledge me at all. Each text with no response breaks my heart. We use to text constantly and talk all the time. I'm going through withdraw for sure. I'm actually physically sick today missing him.

 

I think she has moved on. As a girl I wouldn't care if I got a text once in a while, however if I already have a new partner I am not going to lead you on. Or respond and possibly give you false hope.

I wish you luck. I hurts I know. I regret soo many things on how I dealt with the 1 and only fight we had.

Me

[Halcyon1]

Not to rub salt into the wound, but I wonder if this is really how things happened from her perspective.

 

Did she really simply switch out after 9 years or was there other things going on and you started seeing her once she was fed up? One being abrupt, the other being tapered over a length of time.

 

I believe I understand what you mean, Wewon. I knew her 9 years, we wer together in love for 5. There truly wasn't anything else going on that had her put-off, upset or uncertain.

 

She was in love and wanted marriage; the only issue was my not committing when she needed/wanted me to commit the day she told me "we need to talk" and said "I love you, where do you see us going from here?" I replied with "I'm not sure what the future holds" which understandably she took as a "no" to her hopes, hurt her and she began the very slow process of pulling away that day. It took 4/5 months for her to truly leave (find someone else) but no, there was no other outstanding issue I'm withholding. I simply didn't feel the depth of my love for her when she felt it for me, now I'm the one profoundly in love unable to speak with her - classic scenario from what I'm finding out.

[Halcyon1]

I think its all about timing and circumstance.

 

So true. Which is why I agree, "no contact" is clearly not always the answer. I just wish there was some way to, at a a minimum, communicate my thoughts on phone or in person with having to e-mail or otherwise. She's clear she doesn't want communication now, so I guess, as mentioned, perhaps in a year or two say hello, or by some miracle she'll elect to contact me.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Halcyon1

[Neffer]

I am not sure that it is actually branch swinging if you are the one that broke things off/dumped her. In that case its just her slowly acclimating to the breakup and meeting someone new. Branching is when there is an overlap of relationships, and they secure the new person while still with the first. And yes, its very cruel.

 

I feel for you in that you do care deeply for her. Sometimes things don't work out. Very painful lesson to learn, and I am sorry for your suffering.

 

Letting her go is all you can do.

[Halcyon1]

I see you're meaning, Neffer. You're right, I'd not call it branching in that case, rather, her keeping me in close contact with her for many months for sake of comfort, to not have any 'down time' feel or be lonely, while waiting for another relationship to come along -- then suddenly cutting off all communication once new comfort was found. I guess it's a very similar yet different type of hurt than branching.

 

I.e., she allowed me to keep her company, maintian open daily communication, while she adapted and healed from the break-up without being clear she was moving on -- she knew being clear about her intentions to move on would risk losing what comfort and ease in adapting to change I was providing her, etc. as she sought a new relationship which worked very well for her, though had not a moment for me, or time to allow me to adapt or heal once I needed to communicate and know understanding from her while I was in deepest pain. The moment she had someone else it was instant, sudden silence from her. Human nature, for better or worse, I guess.

 

Either way, you're right, moving on is my only real hope. Thank you for your thoughts.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Halcyon1

[Neffer]

Well that clarifies things a bit. Bad situation. Breakups where both sides care are always messy and unresolved at the end; I am very sorry it didn't work out.

 

Maybe in the future, a few years you can see if there is anything still there. Take care, and I hope your heartbreak eases.

[lop98]

Woman here, I've experienced this a couple times...

 

1. Close and in love with each other for almost 10 years, hardly formal, just.. there. We kind of got together for good but he had trouble communicating and it eventually ended and in a nasty way. I got into a relationship months later... after moving in with my new bf this guy made a comeback and was always texting me, my relationship looked good from outside but wasn't that good and it ended too so the ex quickly jumped on the opportunity. We again "kind of" tried it and again, he had communication problems but his biggest problem was turning talk into facts and actual commitment.

 

2. Dated for 3 years, we talked marriage, kids, aging together, the usual.. there were red flags like the fact that I was never invited to his family reunions, they weren't frequent and I never made a big deal about it but definitely kept it in mind. My life was continually moving (new place, new friends, better jobs) and you don't want to nag or pressure but you do wonder if your relationship wil move forward too. He continued to talk marriage, things we will do one day, etc., but actions? none, our situation (long distance and constant traveling) remained exactly the same as day one. I broke up. He stayed in minimal but constant contact... asking every now and then how I was, talking about our future together whenever I'd let him. Actions? still none. I think I finally fell out of love when he started doing this... we didn't have a relationship anymore so he was mostly on a stage for me talking and making shy little efforts that are.. nothing. I'm not interested, and once I let him talk too much and he started arguing, I blocked him. Gave him too much time....

 

Keeping in touch once there are evident efforts to move on is useless. A relationship is 50/50 so the only thing left to do is to improve your life, mature a little, create a foundation to actually make promises and life plans happen with another person.

 

If she's not answering though, mostly likely she is super done with you and you making contact every now and then just reinforces her decision... little emails like that are meaningless.

[renny]

You know halcyon,

 

Women, when the love you will put up with a lot. Lack of attention, bad behavior etc. They put up with it because they love you, and value the relationship. But once they've had enough, watch out. That loving woman becomes a cold stranger. And you'd be surprised at how fast they flip once they make up their minds. That and the fact that another man now has hooked her emotionally. Its like the final nail in the coffin. Move on man. Move on so you can heal.

[Halcyon1]

Thank you renny, thank you Neffer.

 

To wendianne, I understand you. What I've found in particular online (whether blogs, forums or relationship expert books) the focus is always going to be on "move on", respect the wishes of the one who's left you -- anything other than moving on is potentially or likely selfish, inconsiderate or disrespectful.

 

What you won't hear much about, if anything, is with regard to the consideration and respect the one-who-left should have for the one-left-behind. You won't hear much mention of the respect one might have for the time, years, love, support and care you've given and shared together.

 

That doesn't mean they need to come back to you, but walling someone out of your life after years together overnight without a word to know if you're alright because they're at peace and content carries it's own issue of inconsideration.

 

I understand there are a million reasons (abuse, cheating, drugs, etc) why an ex would have valid reason to go cold and refuse contact in an instant and never look back. But if you've had a wonderful relationship and your offensives were minor or insignificant a "hey, you doing ok?" would be thoughtful.

[Been]

I didn't believe in NC at first. Wouldn't block her number just in case she reached out to me.

Somedays she would. Then days would go by and not a single text.

I caught myself always checking my phone in hopes she had contacted me.

Then it dawned on me. Here I was getting excited over bread crumbs and she's the one who dumped me.

That's when I blocked her number. I didn't WANT to know if she contacted me or not. It made it easier to deal with.

I figured if she really needed to get ahold of me she would find a way.

Texting just made it so easy for her.

[Halcyon1]

Well done, Been. Glad you're moving past it in tact.

 

To wendianne: also wanted to mention, being physically sick after the break is perfectly understood. I lost 30 lbs in 6 weeks just after the break-up. You're not alone and wishing you very well today.

[Bo34]

Woman here, I've experienced this a couple times...

 

1. Close and in love with each other for almost 10 years, hardly formal, just.. there. We kind of got together for good but he had trouble communicating and it eventually ended and in a nasty way. I got into a relationship months later... after moving in with my new bf this guy made a comeback and was always texting me, my relationship looked good from outside but wasn't that good and it ended too so the ex quickly jumped on the opportunity. We again "kind of" tried it and again, he had communication problems but his biggest problem was turning talk into facts and actual commitment.

 

2. Dated for 3 years, we talked marriage, kids, aging together, the usual.. there were red flags like the fact that I was never invited to his family reunions, they weren't frequent and I never made a big deal about it but definitely kept it in mind. My life was continually moving (new place, new friends, better jobs) and you don't want to nag or pressure but you do wonder if your relationship wil move forward too. He continued to talk marriage, things we will do one day, etc., but actions? none, our situation (long distance and constant traveling) remained exactly the same as day one. I broke up. He stayed in minimal but constant contact... asking every now and then how I was, talking about our future together whenever I'd let him. Actions? still none. I think I finally fell out of love when he started doing this... we didn't have a relationship anymore so he was mostly on a stage for me talking and making shy little efforts that are.. nothing. I'm not interested, and once I let him talk too much and he started arguing, I blocked him. Gave him too much time....

 

Keeping in touch once there are evident efforts to move on is useless. A relationship is 50/50 so the only thing left to do is to improve your life, mature a little, create a foundation to actually make promises and life plans happen with another person.

 

If she's not answering though, mostly likely she is super done with you and you making contact every now and then just reinforces her decision... little emails like that are meaningless.

 

Hi LOP98;, So i'm a bit curious with your #2 scenario and just wanted some feedback since it sorta relates to mine. You said you broke up with him after some time. My question is why did you "fall out of love with him" after he maintained minimal but constant contact after the breakup? So we're you still technically in love with him when you broke up with him then? And if so, why did you break up in the first place if you were?

 

My ex broke up w/ me too and a lot of what you described as to why, were her exact reasons, too including the fact that she had a year and half left of grad school and it became long dist.. But, although I fought for our relationship and explained to her for hours on end why we could still make it work, and how if she ever had a change of heart to contact me during the breakup event, I have not contacted her once in 6 months. I've also blocked her on all social media and i heard through a mutual friend she was very hurt by that.