Ifeelok Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 It has been almost 7 months since my LTR Ended. I have been doing what a lot of people here suggested which was, hit the gym, focus on myself, and block my ex on social media. When I first started I was walking around at a weight of 245lbs. I am now 202lbs., I feel physically and mentally better. I plan on going back to school to get my degree in Marketing, however as much as try thoughts of my ex keep sneaking into my head at least once a day. I still hurt sometimes just thinking of how easy she left me and basically didn't care if I suffered. I want to be upset and hate her but I cant. We dated for almost 5 years and I guess im still hurting on how easy it was for her to move on.. I am trying my hardest to be happy and even thought most of the time I am smiling and hanging out with friends, she still somehow manages to sneak into my mind and I immediately become sad. It has been a short period of time since we separated and I understand it does take time to fully move on. Any advice would be great on how to not keep thinking of her, most of what comes into my head is more than the sex we had. Its more of the laughs and jokes we shared, I guess spending everyday with her for the last 5 years is really hard to forget. 1
DarkHorizon Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) It has been almost 7 months since my LTR Ended. I have been doing what a lot of people here suggested which was, hit the gym, focus on myself, and block my ex on social media. When I first started I was walking around at a weight of 245lbs. I am now 202lbs., I feel physically and mentally better. I plan on going back to school to get my degree in Marketing, however as much as try thoughts of my ex keep sneaking into my head at least once a day. I still hurt sometimes just thinking of how easy she left me and basically didn't care if I suffered. I want to be upset and hate her but I cant. We dated for almost 5 years and I guess im still hurting on how easy it was for her to move on.. I am trying my hardest to be happy and even thought most of the time I am smiling and hanging out with friends, she still somehow manages to sneak into my mind and I immediately become sad. It has been a short period of time since we separated and I understand it does take time to fully move on. Any advice would be great on how to not keep thinking of her, most of what comes into my head is more than the sex we had. Its more of the laughs and jokes we shared, I guess spending everyday with her for the last 5 years is really hard to forget. Your words resonate with me, but my four year relationship ended about two months ago now. I think the main thing that is making it hard for you to really detach is this: I want to be upset and hate her but I cant. I am almost sure that once you let that go, you will be able to finally feel just compassionate indifference. That indifference is also an act of self-compassion, which is also needed in this process. The problem is not that you have or don't have hate for her, but that you "want" to attach an emotion to the process at this point. As I look back, the way I see it (as the dumpee) today, is that I respect her final decision to leave. It is what she finally wanted to do, and the reasons really don't matter. That gave her the chance to be happy in her life, and gave me the same chance as well. With that in mind, I harbor no hate towards her. Edited January 25, 2016 by DarkHorizon
Chi townD Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 You're doing most of the right things. But, it's just going to take time. Also, the key is to continue to make positive changes and KEEP BUSY!!! Set yourself up with more goals! Travel! Go see something new. Take yourself out of the norm. Take yourself away from things that are going to remind you of your Ex. KEEP BUSY! If you're busy, you won't have time to think about her and what she's doing.
kielnug Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 On average I have spent 3,5 years between relations. They were pretty long, though. It's not really something you can push. (And I am maybe extreme) But you can do good things. Travelling and exposing yourself to "unknown" is the best advice I can give you. Break out of the patterns where your ex belong. But it's hard. And sometimes even hard to see which patterns those are, if the relation was really long.
Author Ifeelok Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 Thank you for the response. I actually took two trips last year after the break up, once in August and another in November. It helped so much, however I come to realize that I think of her the most when I am doing nothing or calmly sitting at home relaxing. I feel like picking up ready as a hobby to keep me distracted. I go to the gym about 5 times a week and hang out with friends and family on the weekends. I stopped drinking alcohol and actually have spent most of my time trying to teach my youngest brother how to become a better person. it has helped but I guess my main concern is i completely want to move on but its hard. before I dated my ex I was that guy that liked to go to bars, hit on girls and just be out there trying to get laid. Now, I cant do that something in me doesn't feel right slowly but surely im letting go.
drallafi Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 It has been almost 7 months since my LTR Ended. I have been doing what a lot of people here suggested which was, hit the gym, focus on myself, and block my ex on social media. When I first started I was walking around at a weight of 245lbs. I am now 202lbs., I feel physically and mentally better. I plan on going back to school to get my degree in Marketing, however as much as try thoughts of my ex keep sneaking into my head at least once a day. I still hurt sometimes just thinking of how easy she left me and basically didn't care if I suffered. I want to be upset and hate her but I cant. We dated for almost 5 years and I guess im still hurting on how easy it was for her to move on.. I am trying my hardest to be happy and even thought most of the time I am smiling and hanging out with friends, she still somehow manages to sneak into my mind and I immediately become sad. It has been a short period of time since we separated and I understand it does take time to fully move on. Any advice would be great on how to not keep thinking of her, most of what comes into my head is more than the sex we had. Its more of the laughs and jokes we shared, I guess spending everyday with her for the last 5 years is really hard to forget. Damn dude you lost 43 lbs? That's incredible! Were you able to put on any muscle in that time?
Author Ifeelok Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 Actually I have. im way leaner than I have ever been. just have some stubborn belly fat that is hard to get rid of but I plan getting rid of it by summer. I eat properly now. No sugar, no alcohol what so ever. I started by running a lot, but that led to lossing muscle. So i began to lift more often not super heavy sets but more reps and lighter weight has been working like a charm. Bust most importantly i drink a lot of water. The best part of all of this is I dont take any supplements to help me, I am just fueled by anger and keeping focused.
Neffer Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I am just fueled by anger Ok, that made me LOL, seriously Good for you. The only good thing that comes out of heartbreak for me was losing 20lbs (whether I needed to or not) It takes time - getting over it. You are doing fine. I would definitely pursue hobbies, read, travel on short trips just to change your focus. For the belly fat - not drinking is great. Most guys fail to realize that they call it a beer belly for a reason. Plus the drinking can be counter productive when getting someone out of your system. Keep up the gym! You are doing great.
CDJ Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) Ifeelok, I really have to hand it to you. It seems to me that you have done pretty much everything right (yes, maybe you might make a few errors on the way, but you're going about things the right way). I wish I'd been more like you - breaking contact, resisting social media, keeping busy and focused on other things; I broke every bit of good advice you see in this forum! Regarding the anger, I know what you mean about not wanting to feel it. I was scared of being angry because I didn't want to regret ever being in love or having a relationship with my ex. But once I was able to come to terms with how she had treated me, the anger flowed - and it felt great! Controlled anger can be a gift in situations like this, and help you move on to the 'acceptance' stage of grief. Like you, I was also someone that never really wanted to settle down; but now that I've experienced it I find it hard to go back to how I was before (not sure I even want to), so what you said about that resonates with me, too. As does your issue with getting the ex out of your mind. It's so hard. But I'd offer advice that is perhaps a bit different to what others have said, which my therapist gave to me. I find that trying and failing to distract yourself from it, meet it head on. Firstly, try separating the good thoughts from the bad, and then go through in your mind the bad thoughts and feelings, as if replaying on a video, until you become de-sensitised to them. Of course, the good memories can still bring you down, but I found after doing the first part my mind became stronger, and then I could actively disengage with other thoughts/memories when they pooped into my head. It takes time and I'm still working through it, but I feel it's helping me. Edited January 26, 2016 by CDJ
Author Ifeelok Posted January 26, 2016 Author Posted January 26, 2016 Thanks for all the kind words guy, it does really help me feel better. Ive never been much of a reader but I figured picking up a book will actually help me keep distracted but also help me become a smarter one as well. The first couple of days I kept calling her and blowing her phone up and even went to her house but she slammed the door on my face, as if I did something wrong. From there on decided to keep away as hard as it was, but it was whats best for me. I think what hurt me the most and still stings a bit was the fact that 4 months after the break up, after we had gone months w/ NC she called me late at night and basically said "I didnt leave you for my coworker, it just happened". I felt so disrespected like I was worthless. But now with the help of friends I am slowly beginning to be myself once again. I guess the best thing that came out of this break up was the fact that I learned to value myself, enjoy my own company but most importantly realized that even thought my heart was broken I will become a better and stronger version of myself.
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