Reitteg813 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Snowed in...again. Bored out of my mind, so this is about a girl from a while back. And it just popped into my head and had me thinking and it all makes sense now. Just trying to get a better understanding of it and see if you guys are thinking the same I am. So this girl and I went on a few dates. First went well. Had a good dinner, walked around the city a bit and talked, had her laughing, smiling, she texts me when she gets home already making plans for a second date. Second date was just her cooking for us and we cuddled and watched movies for like 4-5 hours. Third date we went and did something fun together and then drove around the city looking at Christmas lights, went back to my house and cuddled and watched movies again for a few hours. She texts me after the that date and says she had a great time, she made a joke about something that happened that night, and said she would like to see me again. After the first date I was a bit up in the air about her but leaning more towards second date. After the second and third date due to the cuddling for hours and kissing she really grew on me and feelings came on faster than expected and ever have before. I've never cuddled on second dates and we all know the effects cuddling can have on two people. And then right before, like just hours before our next date that she even initiated, she said shes kinda unsure about us cause shes not sure if theres a connection which I was okay with, so it was pretty mutual bcause I wasn't a fan of her future plans anyways so i was a bit insure about us as well, but it still confused me just because of how well each date went, the cuddling, touching, and being close so early on which really builds a closer connection and bond between two people, and I always made sure she was the one talking the most, allowing her to open up to me and feel comfortable talking to me. When she told me about herself though her voice just had a different tone to it. More quiet and just more monotone and uneasy. Didnt seem comfortable talking about it. When we talked about whatever and we were just laughing and having a good time she talked very different. I'm great at building connections with women, but this was different. We never kissed for more than 3 seconds. Every single time she was the first to pull away. When we were cuddling I moved in to kiss her and we did but as soon as my hand went on the side of her face and down her neck she pulled away. Even when we said goodbye before leaving each others houses and we kissed, always very short and she always pulled away. Seemed pretty closed off, and not showing much intimacy. She wasn't good at making eye contact. She comes from a broken home with no father, irresponsible mom, doesn't talk to her step father, lost almost all her high school friends due to some life changes, she went to 2 different high schools so she said it tough losing and making new friends and adjusting, but still has a few close ones. She was involved with drugs and alcohol at a very young age, I don't know about her past relationships other than she had a boyfriend back when she was 14 (Shes in her late teens now) but don't know anything about it. She doesn't have a stable home, she switches around living at home with just her mom or living with friends. She just seems to have a very troubled past and I'm sure there is a whole lot more I don't know about. She'd post stuff on social media about how lifes tough but she needs to toughen up and stick through it and how her lifes a mess, etc. The only other way I could see there not being a connection is due to how different we are. We shared a lot of common interests, but we're just different. She grew up with no father, unstable home, pretty poor family in terms of money, and in an area that just has very different kind of people - just somewhat trashy, low class people, the area just has a different breed of people than mine. She grew up in a place that's basically in the middle of no where so as a kid everyone just drank, party, and did drugs, her mom didnt have enough money to send her to college so she had to settle for community college which threw off her plans. I grew up with both my parents, good family, upper middle class, a great childhood, great area to live in, classier people, a wealthy area, I went to a good college. We're just opposites basically in terms of how we were raised and our environments, which obviously your environment growing up can have a big impact on you. So maybe she felt like she couldn't relate to me in that way. But do you guys think women from broken homes and just a rough past just view relationships differently, love differently, and are just emotionally closed off? Just makes me wonder if she was unsure about us cause she felt that we were just both very different even though we shared a lot of interests, or that she just has trouble forming relationships and getting intimate with someone due to her upbringing and past experiences. This is from a little while back, I've been with a different girl now as of last weekend, but just trying to get a better understanding of it and I'd just find it interesting to see how much a girls or even guys past can affect their ability to having meaningful relationships in the future.
soph-walker Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 But do you guys think women from broken homes and just a rough past just view relationships differently, love differently, and are just emotionally closed off? Just makes me wonder if she was unsure about us cause she felt that we were just both very different even though we shared a lot of interests, or that she just has trouble forming relationships and getting intimate with someone due to her upbringing and past experiences. I think if you're speculating this about women, you need to include men also. To me, she could well have been emotionally unavailable, she didn't seem open, especially in the way you describe her kissing you. Or, she may have not been that into you and whatever was holding her back could literally be a hundred things. Maybe she had gas, maybe she was tired, maybe she was thinking of another guy? Are you thinking of getting in touch with her or was this as you say just to gauge what emotional unavailability is?
Author Reitteg813 Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 I think if you're speculating this about women, you need to include men also. To me, she could well have been emotionally unavailable, she didn't seem open, especially in the way you describe her kissing you. Or, she may have not been that into you and whatever was holding her back could literally be a hundred things. Maybe she had gas, maybe she was tired, maybe she was thinking of another guy? Are you thinking of getting in touch with her or was this as you say just to gauge what emotional unavailability is? Yeah the kissing part I found strange. Never ever had a woman do that. Ever. And no she was into me. She'd text me first almost everyday, out of the times we hung out she was usually the one to initiate the plans. And no I don't care enough to get in touch with her to ask. And yeah, basically just to see if those are signs of emotionally unavailability. And if its common for girls with a very troubled past to have problems opening up to others, trusting them, and intimacy. She just seemed like a vary bland person.
soph-walker Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Yeah the kissing part I found strange. Never ever had a woman do that. Ever. And no she was into me. She'd text me first almost everyday, out of the times we hung out she was usually the one to initiate the plans. And no I don't care enough to get in touch with her to ask. And yeah, basically just to see if those are signs of emotionally unavailability. And if its common for girls with a very troubled past to have problems opening up to others, trusting them, and intimacy. She just seemed like a vary bland person. I think it's common for women OR MEN to have problems opening up to others period: 1. Past relationship problems 2. Past life problems 3. Not being emotionally ready 4. Not being that into a person 5. Hormones I don't think the list is exhaustive and I wouldn't generalise and say that just because her parents divorced (I despise the term 'broken home') means that she was emotionally unavailable. I would surmise, yes, the way you described her actions were as though she was emotionally unavailable.
Buddhist Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 But do you guys think women from broken homes and just a rough past just view relationships differently, love differently, and are just emotionally closed off? Just makes me wonder if she was unsure about us cause she felt that we were just both very different even though we shared a lot of interests, or that she just has trouble forming relationships and getting intimate with someone due to her upbringing and past experiences. This is from a little while back, I've been with a different girl now as of last weekend, but just trying to get a better understanding of it and I'd just find it interesting to see how much a girls or even guys past can affect their ability to having meaningful relationships in the future. Nothing to do with gender at all. All people who've lacked secure attachments in childhood suffer with being able to form and maintain attachments as adults. That can happen to anyone. As someone with this challenge I generally find people who have secure attachment style to be overly judgemental of me because I don't and tend to view me as either being hopelessly dysfunctional or somehow dangerous personality. Despite the fact I'm quite harmless and in general a very stable person. I'm just not emotionally expressive and require a lot of time on my own to process emotions as they occur. I see this a lot on LS too. Many of the supposedly 'well adjusted' on here admonishing others about how dangerous and abusive their prospects are because they display the signs of attachment avoidance etc. It's just the stigma attached to perceived mental disorders, which for the main part aren't dangerous or malicious. These are just people needing to be cut a lot more slack than the average person allows. I have to find partners who are very understanding of my need to maintain space or distance at various points in the relationship. I don't want to bring my insecurities to the other person, I want to deal with them and then come back to the relationship when I am ready to practice emotional attachment again. This isn't something that can be instantly corrected with a pill or a couple of therapy sessions. It's a lifelong process and anyone who can't understand that just cannot be a part of my life. People who grew up with basically normally supportive parents have no idea how much growing up in an abusive environment really sets you back. It's not insurmountable but it's not easily fixable either. And by abusive I don't just mean physical abuse. Having a parent teaching you from your earliest moments that your needs are unimportant, that you don't matter and that they resent your existence is extremely abusive. When this happens you are only 6yrs old or less and yet you're expected to parent yourself, because your actual parent is too busy being self-absorbed. That doesn't mean I'm incapable of relationship it just means that I'm probably not going to rush in and become emotionally attached to another person as easily as someone else might. There are going to be moments of temporarily pulling away as certain triggers are set off within me and I then need to go and work through them. As I said, people with these backgrounds need a lot more understanding than the average 'well adjusted' individual is willing to extend. 1
Robratory Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 The most we can do is speculate, and I'm sure you can speculate just as well as we can. What you're wondering is unknowable without asking her, and even then we would only know what she wanted us to know. I know it's hard to stop thinking about people sometimes, but there's nothing useful to gain by speculating on what made her tick. Even if we knew, the knowledge would apply only to her, and she's no longer with you. 1
Author Reitteg813 Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 I think it's common for women OR MEN to have problems opening up to others period: 1. Past relationship problems 2. Past life problems 3. Not being emotionally ready 4. Not being that into a person 5. Hormone I would surmise, yes, the way you described her actions were as though she was emotionally unavailable. What do you do with these people? I've never experienced this before so it weird. Do you let them go and do their own thing till they're ready or is that just pretty much how they are for good? The most we can do is speculate. Yup. I just find it interesting really. Cause every girl I've been seriously involved with had a great family, parents together, great childhood from what they told me, plenty of money, so I've never dealt with anything like this before. So curious if others have dealt with women, or even men like this and they behaved the same way. The way she behaved and stuff did stand out to me compared to others. Nothing to do with gender at all. That doesn't mean I'm incapable of relationship it just means that I'm probably not going to rush in and become emotionally attached to another person as easily as someone else might. There are going to be moments of temporarily pulling away as certain triggers are set off within me and I then need to go and work through them. As I said, people with these backgrounds need a lot more understanding than the average 'well adjusted' individual is willing to extend. Makes sense, and yeah I'm not saying it only women. It's just thats what I'm dealing with here.
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