Emily3366 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 i was with a guy for 2 years - he seemed almost perfect..... We fell in love really quickly - he wanted to see me as much as we could and would ask to see me everyday..... I felt amazing! He made me feel like he absolutely adored me - he booked us little trips away, would bring me breakfast in bed, message me the min I wasn't with him, always looked to make plans for us - dinners, holidays and wanted to meet everyone in my life..... After 2 months he asked me to move in with him - I was 29 and he was 40 (he'd never lived with anyone before and had never been married or children)..... Everything felt so right, we were completely natural and easy with each other, so moving in felt like the right thing to do but I didn't officially move in until we'd been together for 5 months.... So 2 weeks after I moved in - he told me he thought we'd rushed things and maybe I shouldn't have moved in..... I stayed at a friends house for a couple of days to give us both some space - he sent me an email apologising and said that he loves living with me and wanted me to go back home..... So I did and he greeted me with a diamond necklace to apologise...... I brushed it under the carpet and just thought maybe he got a little scared as this was a big step for him - anyway after that we were fine, went away a couple of months later and had a great time...... In between he would say things like 'I don't think you really love me' - I did everything I could to reassure him as I never felt like this about anyone before in my life - I was so in love with him and so happy..... Anyway that was the best bit of our relationship - then it was just like being on a rollercoaster - his house was being built and the closer it got to completion the more agitated he seemed - so he started to break up with me - saying we weren't working, then he said he just didn't want me to move into his house with him, then he would say that he did want me to move in with him - this happened a few times , anyway after a few times I said in going to find a place to rent as I couldn't risk him changing his mind again..... The day after we both moved into our new places he broke up with me - it lasted a couple of days and then he wanted me back..... So I got back with him - he told me his friend wanted him to go away for his birthday but he told me he didn't want to go as we were in a bad place and he didn't want to damage us anymore - after that conversation he booked to go and broke up with me again..... He went away and then messaged me saying how sorry, he loved me and he wanted us to be ok..... So we got back on track and went away over Christmas - whilst we were away he hardly spoke to me and was on his iPad for most of he time - lucky for me I managed to make some friends so managed to find someone to talk to me ha..... I mentioned to him about how he was making me feel and he just brushed it off, got angry with me and then said he was just stressed with work..... He broke up with me 2 days after we came home and a week later I got an email saying how lost he was without me and that he was going to get some help to deal with his issues...... So we gave it another go..... One evening we had a heated conversation about how much he's hurt me and how I didn't know whether I was coming or going...... He then would shout at me and say that I needed to get over the past, then he put the phone down on me...... I woke up to a message saying sorry - but I was to angry to reply..... I went over to his that night to talk and he wasn't home - tried to call him but he ignored my calls, so I had a look on his iPad to see if he'd made plans to see a friend - what I actually came across was email trail from a girl on linked in - arranging to meet up and talk about their commitment issues, a picture of a girl that he'd sent to his friend from a dating website and also a email trail about a holiday he was planning on going on that I knew nothing about....... Anyway to cut a long story short - he managed to talk his way out of it after a few days - said they were distractions and he has no intention of meeting them, we got back together, he broke up with me again and messaged some more girls, then he wanted me back again - this happened over 18 months and Inbetween he said he'll get help as he/we believe that his upbringing had a massive contribution to his commitment issues..... So overall I think he broke up with me 20 times - the longest we had apart was a month, he'd booked 4 holidays behind my back - one he just called me when he was there, he said it was because he was angry with me...... So you're probably wondering why I put up with it - I inow it sounds crazy but I loved him and wanted the man I fell in love with back - he treated me like a princess and made me feel amazing, like he loved my soul, even right up until the end we were like kids together, messing around and laughing but it seemed we couldn't get past a point that made our relationship more serious - he even bought me an engagement ring and said i shouldn't read into it as it's just a transaction as he could afford it...... So here I am now - I feel like a shell of myself - I question everything I did and said and wonder if it was me - he said I was argumentative and that I was pushing our relationship and wouldn't just relax. He said I should trust him and move on from what he'd done..... I kept telling him I needed some time and proof that things were going to change - but they never did. He's words never matched his actions - he'd also create a divide with me and his mum - he would tell me how she dIdnt like me and that I needed to make and effort with her - she would often call him drunk and would be mean to him but he would always run to her..... Anyway that's my rant - I'm sure it doesn't make sense I'm just trying to understand what happened and if I'm ever going to be me again as at the moment I feel like a lost soul who has been mentally abused..... On the upside - now I'm away from him there's no more eggshells, no more feeling paranoid and insecure and like I'm hell to be around......
amaysngrace Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 He could be one. Idk. The important thing to remember is that he is going to treat every woman the same way that he treated you because that is how he treats women. I'm glad you're able to relax now. Whatever that game was that he was playing with you sure sounds like a crappy time. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Unfortunately you can't put this all on him. Every time you two broke up, you took him back after he treated you like crap and you ignored the red flags over and over again. He seems more like commitment phobe than a narcissist. Still is selfish and abusive/cruel, and certainly isn't a genuine caring person overall. 3
Country_Girl Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Look up info on Borderline Personality Disorder. Sounds like he falls into that category. As for you, I think you have a fear of abandonment. You sound a lot like me, a little co-dependent, hence why you keep taking him back. 3
blanford Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I can say that he knew nothing about commitment and he is selfish. I think you need space and you need to be whole again. It can be a long process. 1
Leucine Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Probably not. Every girl in the world claims that their ex was a narcissist, which is statistically impossible. He had his issues and so did you, putting up with all that. If you've now moved on, good for you. 3
basil67 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Tend to agree with Leucine. I think we go overboard trying to diagnose arseholes. Most arseholes are just arseholes. Best to simply acknowledge it when we see it and move on. 3
Author Emily3366 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Posted January 26, 2016 I forgot to mention that he was obsessed with being better than everyone else - he had to have the best body which he described as a Greek gods body, he had to have the best cars, houses, boats and whatever he would buy me he would say all of my friends would be jealous (not that I ever wanted to make my friends jealous)..... In his own words he was the best at every hobbie he was involved in.... He hated queuing and wouldn't mind pushing in, he would contradict himself - he would say one thing to me and within minutes would deny ever saying it, he would ask me to move back in with him and they say I didn't deserve to, he would say he'd love nothing more than to marry me and then say he never wants to get married..... He used to lie about the most random things and over time became more and more secretive over his phone and even changed his settings so messages wouldn't come up..... At times I felt like I was going crazy..... I know I probably seem really niaeve and stupid for ignoring all the signs - believe it or not I'm quite an intelligent girl with a good job and can't believe I've put up with this relationship but I'm also a really caring, understanding person who likes to see the best in everyone - he would look broken every time him came back to me - send me the longest emails apologising for what he's putting me through and understands that he needs help with his commitment issues - he had a pretty painful upbringing so I sympathised with him and wanted to help him get better because I loved him and was holding on to the good parts of us - - like I said he could be so loving, caring and considerate..... When he'd break up with me - I never chased him, I didn't call him, email him or go to see him..... He always came back and I got sucked into his empty words every time..... He did go to therapy for a couple of months but then said that the guy used to forget what he'd said last time and repeat himself..... I appreciate all your comments because I'm still trying to rationalise it all - I think I do have some codependency issues which I need to address, I wouldn't say I've tried to diagnose any of my other ex's I just felt that this relationship was so crazy/rollercoaster I wanted to try and understand it more - not really tarnish him just understand why he behaves the way he does..... Thanks again for your comments:)
Miss Peach Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 IME it's not worth trying to diagnose. Figure out what behaviors were red flag and why you fell for them and do better next time. If you want some reading I highly recommend: "Women Who Love Too Much" and "Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl" "Why Does He Do That" might also be a helpful read. 1
Miss Peach Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I forgot to mention the first one is about codependency. The second one is about emotional unavailability (which can look like or include codependency). The last one is about abuse and manipulation (a lot of which is common in relationships with narcs). 1
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