Kay0125 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 For me, this is a tough one. I am with someone that defies all logic. He was born to alcoholics and his mother seem to despise him. He was the oldest of 2 boys. She revolved her world around the younger one. He basically grew up without love and affection except from his maternal grandmother. She was very protective of him. The person I know, he is in his 40's, is one of the sweetest most caring people I have ever met. He is very sensitive and responds to things more like I would. Example, in order to be intimate with someone, he HAS to have feelings or it won't happen. He became as much of an alcoholic as his parents. His past gf and exes describe him as a mean, uncaring, cheating drunk. His brother died a little more than 10 years ago and that was the first his mother tried to get close to him but he has shut her off and can't stand her. He has a basic relationship with his dad. When I met him, he drank a lot but I told him I didn't want anyone that drank that much so he stopped. He was extremely affectionate, more than me. He texted and called constantly. Said sweet things to me and always called me baby. We have been together for over 5 years. We moved into together 2 and a half years ago. I have 7 kids and he was more than willing to take them as his own. He would always say he just wanted someone who truly loved him and wouldn't leave him and to have a big happy family. My oldest was 18 at the time and he can be a big ass!!! He was smoking pot and being disrespectful. My bf dealt with it for over a year and then finally told him to leave. We had many fights over him because he was so angry,still is, and I would defend him. One, he is my child and two, I love my bf and I didn't want to choose. I just didn't want the fighting. I wanted peace. 6 months ago my bf started drinking..not a lot but enough and things started going bad. My son is now in the military and isn't part of our daily life but he still has issues and doesn't believe me when I say that I understand what he was trying to tell me and yes, I should have put my foot down and made my son take responsibility. So the problem....He no longer wants to get married, buy a house or anything like that and shows no affection at all other than to hug me, kiss me and say I love you when he or I leave the house or go to bed. Intimacy is rare though he says when he feels like he wants to he just rolls over and goes to sleep. He keeps saying he is going to leave but doesn't and says he doesn't want me to leave. He is just very cold. I know he isn't talking to anyone else, trust me, I definitely know, but he does say he thinks I am. He says I could do better than him and he seems very depressed. He refuses professional help and I am lost. Just a side note, he is a Gemini and acts like it and I am a Libra so I like things balanced, which they are not. It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to react to him. I don't know if I should keep being affectionate and keep talking to him or if I should back off and just leave him alone. Things get worse when he is alone and has time to convince himself of things that aren't what they are.
preraph Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I think your man only does well when he's not drinking anything at all. He inherited bad alcoholism. I think unless he will commit to never drinking again, it will only degenerate. Your son was of age and I believe in kids getting out of the house around that age and either going to college or going to work. No good can come of having an older teen around who is going through the normal process of putting emotional distance between himself and his parents and asserting his independence as a young adult -- and all that is normal at that age, just part of leaving the nest. So the last thing you want is a teen in transition to adulthood staying under your wing when mentally, they have left the nest already and hence the disrespect and doing whatever they want to do. Believe me, I have been that kid. Thank goodness my parents sent me to college and gave me a dorm room! So it was time for him to leave. Until he's mature enough to understand how disrespectful it is to bite the hand that was feeding him, he isn't fit to come back home yet. In a few years, he will start understanding it all better as he matures. Meanwhile, get your man into AA and tell him he has to stay there and you didn't sign on to live with his alcoholism at all and you want your sweet man back. 2
mrldii Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I agree with preraph. I'd also add you need to go to Al-Anon, whether you ultimately stay with him or not; it will help you tremendously to understand where your 'part' in this begins and ends and how to best support him, while taking care of yourself. It's great that he stopped drinking, cold-turkey...however, he never learned other healthy coping skills to take the place of drinking, which - for him - 'takes the edge off'. Grown adults who suffered abandonment from alcoholic/emotionally-unavailable parent have a LOT of deep-rooted issues that no normal layperson can *fix*. The *good* (?) news is, even now that's he's begun drinking again, he is cognizant enough to realize that what he's doing is *wrong*...that's the basis of his comments that you can do better than him. In that same shame, he is withdrawing his love and affection because, as the child who suffered abandonment, there is a constant tape playing in his head that says, "If even my own parent couldn't/didn't/wouldn't love me, how can/will/should anyone else?"Right now, he's arguing against that voice in his head. The danger for you will come when he's tired of arguing with it and/or succumbs to it; that is when he will *decide* that since he's such a 'useless piece of s**t', you must be even lower than he is, because you are choosing to love him. Whether you believe/follow the precepts of the AA (and Al-Anon and other such programs) or not, just being surrounded by others who are going through - and have gone through - the same thing as you are, will be a tremendous help to you. Best of luck, OP...
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