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Why would a guy keep blaming himself for not being able to protect his date?


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Posted (edited)

Even if it really wasn't his fault at all?

 

I've been talking to my co-worker who is also a friend of my neighbor. He hasn't dated any other girl for a year now, after getting out of another short-term unstabled relationship.

 

He has only told his friend and I his guilt he's been carrying since 2007 and I think it really needs to be put at rest by now. Back then, he was a recently HS graduate and dating a girl he liked for the longest and vice-versa. She wasn't his gf yet but they were going out for about 2-3 weeks.

 

Getting straight to the point: One day at night , they get ambushed by 3 thugs who start dragging the girl and he gets beaten. At some point, they knocked him out and took the girl elsewhere, then raped her. While the girl slowly recovered through therapy and moved on with her life, he still blames himself, looking for other options he could have done, his guilt for taking her out that night and convincing her to take her day off after working so much. Even the girl doesn't blame him but he can't get over it and in his own words he still feels less of a man. The girl was a virgin at the time.

Edited by Editbee
  • Like 1
Posted
Even if it really wasn't his fault at all?

 

I've been talking to my co-worker who is also a friend of my neighbor. He hasn't dated any other girl for a year now, after getting out of another short-term unstabled relationship.

 

He has only told his friend and I his guilt he's been carrying since 2007 and I think it really needs to be put at rest by now. Back then, he was a recently HS graduate and dating a girl he liked for the longest and vice-versa. She wasn't his gf yet but they were going out for about 2-3 weeks.

 

Getting straight to the point: One day at night , they get ambushed by 3 thugs who start dragging the girl and he gets beaten. At some point, they knocked him out and took the girl elsewhere, then raped her. While the girl slowly recovered through therapy and moved on with her life, he still blames himself, looking for other options he could have done, his guilt for taking her out that night and convincing her to take her day off after working so much. Even the girl doesn't blame him but he can't get over it and in his own words he still feels less of a man. The girl was a virgin at the time.

 

That can be a very devastating thing for a man to go through.

 

Men are naturally seen as protectors. When something like this happens...

 

He needs to have therapy too so he can learn to forgive himself and also realise that he could not have done anything. Bad things happen to good people, sometimes for no reason...

 

While I don't think he is being reasonable I do understand his reasoning. Encourage him to get help with it.

  • Like 2
Posted

That would bite at me as well. He definitely needs therapy because he may be experiencing PTSD from the trauma. Just reading that pissed me off. I hope they caught the guys and they are no longer in this realm.

  • Like 3
Posted

Some of us have a 'personality defect' (if you want to call it that) of being irrationally protective and assuming more responsibility for the well-being of the ppl we care about than can reasonably be put on us. I can be like that at times. It's kind of a b**ch but it's hard to talk yourself out of. When truly bad things happen to your ppl it can be a real trial. :(

  • Like 1
Posted

Men feel they should be able to protect their women and children. It's terribly traumatic for them when they can't and makes them feel they failed. On top of that, he may be having some PTSD and just not able to get past it that easily. It sounds like a terrible experience. And he may also know that he was too afraid to do some particular thing he wonders if could have saved her, which three on two is not realistic. But he will always feel bad about this and it may take time and/or therapy to work it through and forgive himself.

Posted

When something awful happens we all tend to think what if I had done this or that... could I have done something more? Why didn't I do more? If I had only...

 

This poor chap was beaten, knocked conscienceless and the consequence of him "allowing" that to happen in his head is that his date was raped and beaten... If he is still not able to get past that after all these years then... he does need help. Its difficult to be able to say I am not invincible. You guys are brought up on a diet of Spiderman, Superman, The Hulk, The Avengers, The A Team, Ninja Turtles... heck even Postman Pat deal with it in his stride..! Every cartoon, every family programme has the guys who are cool, calm, collected and who can kick ass... Your friend tried and didn't manage to... that is a massive thing for a guy more so because it mattered to him that he keep his date safe.

 

Its only in the movies that guys can fight of several others at the same time. Real life is very different. Even Iron man has his buddies so... Yeah. encourage him to get help. This is too long to be living on "what if's"... Its time for him to start feeling like a man again and that is only going to happen with therapy. He may also want to take up self defense classes...

Posted

From day dot, it's beaten into our heads that men are supposed to be the protectors (as well as many other things).

 

There's the answer to your question.

 

Once that changes (it never will) then cases like the one you mention will cease to exist.

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