Shainesy Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Hi there, I'm devastated because my boyfriend of a 4 years LDR just broke up with me recently. Everything was perfect even though we're so far apart. He (38) lives in the UK and I'm (35) from Malaysia but we had an agreement of taking turn to visit each other every 3 months and we had never failed to do that in the past 4 years! We had a very healthy LDR (I think) as we talked to each other every single day either on text or calls. We even have a tracking app on both our phones so we know each other's location whenever we want to. We took the opportunities to travel and explore many places together whenever we visited each other. We did have fights and arguments like every relationship does but that never stopped us from loving each other. Sometimes we said that we wanted to end the relationship when we argued but every time we got back together in less than a week because we missed each other so much if we weren't communicating. We did discuss about our future plan like who is more likely to relocate and he said to me many times that he sees himself being together with me in the future. He never failed to tell me he loves me on a daily basis in the past 4 years. However, during his last trip here in mid December we had lots or arguments which involved physical and verbal abuses. The reason of our arguments were some silly matters but it was our attitudes and how we dealt with it that got us into big fights. I couldn't stand how he liked to curse and swear calling me names (especially the C word) whenever he got mad. I cannot allowed myself to be called that name by anyone in any situation. It was so disrespectful and disgusting. I couldn't take it and slap him on his face twice. I did apologize after that. Since then everything has changed After he got back to UK. I sort of sensed that things weren't the same anymore between us. We talked less and he didn't show as much affections as he used to. After that we had a few more arguments which drifted us apart even more. A few days before new year I asked him if he was going to break up with me. He said he didn't know what he wanted and needed some time to think things through. A few days later I follow up with him about his thoughts and decision and again he didn't give me an answer. Another week had past I told him I needed an answer from him because I felt that he didn't treat me like his girlfriend anymore. He said if I couldn't wait then he would tell me his decision is to end the relationship. He still said that he loves me and think about me everyday but he felt that this relationship will never work. I went no contact with him for a week and he contacted me asking me how my days were and some normal things. Even if I didn't reply him he messaged me again the next day. When I replied him and talk about normal things he was very responsive. When I started to ask him if he still wants to break up with me and tried to talk about the relationship with him he went silent and ignored all my messages. It seems to me that he still wants to talk to me but refused to deal with the problems. I feel that I got abandoned in a cowardly way. Yesterday we started talking again and everything was nice we said we missed each other but again when I started asking him if he really wants to break up he went silent again and ignored all my messages. He still checks my location everyday in that app because when we talked he seemed to know where I went. I seriously don't understand why he keeps refusing to talk. We had been in this relationship for so many years, should I accept that he dumped me by sending a text "if you can't wait longer and want an answer now then yes my decision is to break up". He had 2 weeks to think about it before sending that message. To be honest I feel that even if I gave him more time he wouldn't give me an answer either because he is the type who likes to run away from problems. I'm still deeply in love with this man. Is there any way I can make him talk? I don't want to behave like a doormat but I don't want to lose him. I want to try to work things out with but if he refused to talk it will be a dead end. I don't know what should I do. Should I stick to no contact? But I'm worried it will make things worse 1
PegNosePete Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 If he doesn't want to talk then you can't MAKE him. He is not your BF any more. He is your ex. You have no control over his actions. I don't want to behave like a doormat but I don't want to lose him. It's not a case of "losing" him. He is not lost. He has chosen to end the relationship. Yes, best plan is to NC. 2
Satu Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 If two people can't get along peaceably and treat each other with respect, its questionable whether the relationship should continue. What did you argue about? 1
CarrieT Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 If someone doesn't want to talk to you, you can't make them. All this begs the question: After FOUR YEARS, why didn't either of you move to be with one another? 2
stillafool Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 He more than likely met another woman but doesn't know how to tell you it's over so he's just not talking. Stop trying and move on. 2
marky00 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Hey I was in a 9 yr LDR and let me tell you, you did very well. Seeing each other every 3 months and contacting every day is an amazing effort and you should be proud of your efforts. Don't let anyone on this forum make you think otherwise. Only if you have been in an LDR can you understand the dynamics. Its pretty common for the dumper to not want to talk about the past or the relationship but are often very willing to talk about other general things. Im not so sure if there is someone else. If he met someone else and was in love I don't see why he would have bothered name calling and fighting with you, although some real lowlifes have been known to do that so they create an excuse to leave. Maybe you should ask if there is someone else. I think that's for the best to know that. Based on your story it sounds like its unlikely but still a possibility.
Author Shainesy Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 Hey I was in a 9 yr LDR and let me tell you, you did very well. Seeing each other every 3 months and contacting every day is an amazing effort and you should be proud of your efforts. Don't let anyone on this forum make you think otherwise. Only if you have been in an LDR can you understand the dynamics. Its pretty common for the dumper to not want to talk about the past or the relationship but are often very willing to talk about other general things. Im not so sure if there is someone else. If he met someone else and was in love I don't see why he would have bothered name calling and fighting with you, although some real lowlifes have been known to do that so they create an excuse to leave. Maybe you should ask if there is someone else. I think that's for the best to know that. Based on your story it sounds like its unlikely but still a possibility. Hi there, thanks for the kind words. Yea I agree with you only someone who has been in a serious LDR understands. I did ask him he said he's not seeing anyone and will not start a new relationship anytime soon. He just said to me yesterday that he is trying to move on, but he never will completely, and it's not easy for him either. He even said that he doubt he could have anything as intense as this relationship with anyone in the future. I know that he still loves me because when I asked him about 2 weeks ago he said he did and he always will no matter what happens in the future. He still checks my location even until now. I just don't understand why every time when I tried to talk about the relationship he would ignore me. It is driving me crazy!
Author Shainesy Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 If someone doesn't want to talk to you, you can't make them. All this begs the question: After FOUR YEARS, why didn't either of you move to be with one another? Because he has a 3 year old daughter in the UK and I have a business in Malaysia. But we always believed that eventually we will be together for good
basil67 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 We did have fights and arguments like every relationship does but that never stopped us from loving each other. Sometimes we said that we wanted to end the relationship when we argued [snip] However, during his last trip here in mid December we had lots or arguments which involved physical and verbal abuses. The reason of our arguments were some silly matters but it was our attitudes and how we dealt with it that got us into big fights. I couldn't stand how he liked to curse and swear calling me names (especially the C word) whenever he got mad. I cannot allowed myself to be called that name by anyone in any situation. It was so disrespectful and disgusting. I couldn't take it and slap him on his face twice. I did apologize after that. Since then everything has changed Shainesy, I hate to say, but this was not a perfect relationship and these fights aren't the kind that every relationship has. Breaking up and getting back together, verbal abuse, fighting over silly things - this relationship was very much broken. I'm not trying to slam you - I just want you to take off those rose coloured glasses and see the real level of dysfunction in the relationship. You're better off out of it and finding a relationship which is calm and happy. 1
Author Shainesy Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 If two people can't get along peaceably and treat each other with respect, its questionable whether the relationship should continue. What did you argue about? Some random things like I asked him to make a phone call for me and he refused to do that. We didn't agree on certain comment or statement this kind of silly things. But what got us into big fights was the bad attitude, the way we dealt with arguments
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Shainesy, I hate to say, but this was not a perfect relationship and these fights aren't the kind that every relationship has. Breaking up and getting back together, verbal abuse, fighting over silly things - this relationship was very much broken. I'm not trying to slam you - I just want you to take off those rose coloured glasses and see the real level of dysfunction in the relationship. You're better off out of it and finding a relationship which is calm and happy. I was about to say the same thing. What you're describing, OP, is in fact quite a toxic situation. It wasn't perfect and there is a far happier future waiting for you...without this man.
PegNosePete Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Because he has a 3 year old daughter in the UK How does he have a 3 year old daughter when you've been in an LDR for 4 years? Who is the mother?
marky00 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 How does he have a 3 year old daughter when you've been in an LDR for 4 years? Who is the mother? Well if u add on 9 months for the pregnancy, that's pretty much your 4 years. Maybe the kind is like 3.5 years etc. One would assume it was from the previous relationship.
PegNosePete Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Well if u add on 9 months for the pregnancy, that's pretty much your 4 years. Maybe the kind is like 3.5 years etc. So best case scenario, he got someone pregnant just before entering an LDR. This does not bode well.
marky00 Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 So best case scenario, he got someone pregnant just before entering an LDR. This does not bode well. Yep Hes probably a serial dumper. A leopard doesn't change its spots.
Author Shainesy Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 Well if u add on 9 months for the pregnancy, that's pretty much your 4 years. Maybe the kind is like 3.5 years etc. One would assume it was from the previous relationship. Yes you are right. The daughter is from the previous relationship with his ex. The daughter doesn't live with him and he only visits her once a week. And yes the daughter is going to be 4 next month or something. My relationship with him is actually 3 years 9 months to be exact. To make things less complicated I just mark up to 4
Author Shainesy Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 So best case scenario, he got someone pregnant just before entering an LDR. This does not bode well. His ex used him to get herself pregnant and dumped him before the child was born. They were only together for a few months.
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