Need insight: Learning to read signs of interest on first date

[NVO]

Been on my first date since my break up eight months ago. Hooray! Just wanted to share the experience and get some insight.

 

Firstly I’d like to make clear that whether if she is interested or not, I feel great at the moment. Just being able to enjoy a woman's company one on one makes me feel awesome. I woke up today feeling different. Good sign! This was my first ‘blind’ date ever and I really enjoyed myself.

 

About the date: Never met this girl before. She is Spanish and a mutual friend gave me her number and we started texting a few months ago. I think I made it pretty clear I was interested, since I complemented her being beautiful when we started to exchange pictures. Asked her out for a couple of times, but she was always busy. Got to the point where she said: “I won’t say no to going out with you, I’m just really busy the following weekends.” She works as an au pair so it made sense. But I started to lose my interest from that point and that’s when she sort of started to chase me. Initiating all the contact and when she was on her trip to an European city she told me we’d really have to meet when she is back.

 

Picked her up at her place yesterday. I got the house number wrong so I ended up being at the wrong door, haha. I made the decision to call her instead of texting her since I was at her front door… sort of haha. Never talked to her before on the phone so she sounded a bit nervous when she answered the call. When I first saw her at the door, she was a bit nervous too. But so was I.

 

We got in the car and she handed me a gift she bought on her trip. We had to change plans for our date because of the bad weather. So we ended up having a few drinks at a bar. It was a shame, because we both really wanted to do the thing that we originally planned to do. I guess we stayed there for about two hours, before I paid and we got back to the car and I drove her home.

 

I tried to pick up as many signs as I could, but it still remains some kind of mystery. That’s why I need you guys to teach me some more valuable lessons. About the signs (or things I noticed):

• I got her to open up more and more as the date went by. She was talkative and even when the conversation ran dry and I did not say anything on purpose just to see how things would play out, she just started talking again and keeping the conversation alive;
  
• When we were in the bar I told her she looked nice but her response was a bit odd, like I was lying to her or something;
  
• The vibe changed in the bar. I saw she had a tattoo on her arm and asked her to show me. So I also got the chance to test how she would respond to physical contact and she was letting me touch her hand and the tattoo without pulling back until I stopped;
  
• I asked her about her hometown and to show it on her phone so we would both be close to each other checking out the screen. She went along with it;
  
• Legs sometimes crossed towards me, sometimes to the side;
  
• Sometimes her posture would change out of nowhere, you could see her opening up;
  
• The eye-contact was a hard one. Sometimes she would engage the contact when we were talking, other times she would look away quickly;
  
• The moment we were in the car driving to her home (30 minute drive) the mood was very relaxed. We talked about our favorite movies and that’s when I felt all of the nerves were gone. You just feel it. Very funny experience;
  
• Dropped her off at her place, told her I had a great time and we said our goodbyes with a hug and three kisses on the cheeck. I did not go in for a kiss because I don’t know if I like her that much.
  
• Did not text her when I got home and she did not text me either. But I did receive a tekst from her this morning: a video link and “You must watch it. It’s hilarious!”
  

So, anything I can learn from this? What is her level of interest?

[Toodaloo]

Both low interest romantically but I suspect you have a friend.

[hasaquestion]

I got her to open up more and more as the date went by. She was talkative and even when the conversation ran dry and I did not say anything on purpose just to see how things would play out, she just started talking again and keeping the conversation alive

 

I'm not sure how much I'd read into this on a planned date. If you meet someone out, and they are filling gaps in conversation when they could be leaving, it is a big positive sign. But she has to be there, so she might as well talk, no? I wouldn't read much into it.

 

When we were in the bar I told her she looked nice but her response was a bit odd, like I was lying to her or something

 

Not the most encouraging response but "you look nice" if those were the exact words is kind of strange. My .02 is that if you're going to go for a throwaway physical compliment make it her boots or shoes. You look nice is too vague.

 

The vibe changed in the bar. I saw she had a tattoo on her arm and asked her to show me. So I also got the chance to test how she would respond to physical contact and she was letting me touch her hand and the tattoo without pulling back until I stopped

 

What matters is less how she responds to physical contact in the immediate (most people won't recoil and look at you with disgust) and how it escalates things in the date overall. Like, whether or not she gets proximally closer to you. IME when you touch a girl you are leading her to be closer to you. And if she accepts your lead she'll do it back. She might not actually touch you but maybe lean in more, or laugh more, or something.

 

I asked her about her hometown and to show it on her phone so we would both be close to each other checking out the screen. She went along with it

 

Again, more a sign she doesn't hate you than anything else. I think what matters most is the overall trajectory, did these little closer moments lead her to get more up in your airspace as the date went along?

 

Legs sometimes crossed towards me, sometimes to the side

 

Crossed legs is a bad sign by the book. Human body language ranges across a spectrum from open to closed.

 

Sometimes her posture would change out of nowhere, you could see her opening up

 

Too vague to say much.

 

The eye-contact was a hard one. Sometimes she would engage the contact when we were talking, other times she would look away quickly

 

For me the direction people's eyes go when they look away is huge. There's a big difference between good nervous eyes and bad nervous. IME a glance around that takes stock of the surroundings is the bad kind of nervous, looking down is the good kind. Do you remember what she was doing when she looked away at all?

 

The moment we were in the car driving to her home (30 minute drive) the mood was very relaxed. We talked about our favorite movies and that’s when I felt all of the nerves were gone. You just feel it. Very funny experience

 

Good sign that she trusts you at a personal level. Sharing is always a positive sign.

 

Dropped her off at her place, told her I had a great time and we said our goodbyes with a hug and three kisses on the cheeck. I did not go in for a kiss because I don’t know if I like her that much.

 

Spanish thing, but you're from the Netherlands and not a dumb American so I'm guessing you know that. Nothing to read into it.

 

Did not text her when I got home and she did not text me either. But I did receive a tekst from her this morning: a video link and “You must watch it. It’s hilarious!”

 

Again, she trusts you and enjoyed your company.

 

Overall it sounds more like you two got along as friends but there wasn't a lot of attraction. But you're the one who was actually there so only you know. If I were you I'd see her again either way - a friend isn't a bad thing to have.

[PegNosePete]

Try asking for a 2nd date. You have nothing to lose.

 

If she gives you the friends line or is not excited about it, move on.

[smackie9]

The best sign is when they say yes to a second date.

 

Some people put on their best smile and laugh for first dates, but it doesn't mean they see you as a potential partner.

[Jejangles]

Your best sign of interest is that she contacted you this morning, and wanted to share something with you. So now ask her out and see what she says! That's the only way you'll know if there's potential or not.

[NVO]

Thanks for your replies! Very insightful. Trying to train my skill in reading body language and such because I think I missed a lot of opportunities in the past because of me not paying attention.

 

Yes, I know I should probably ask her out again. It just felt weird because you basically asked me out and I was clueless whether it was a date or just a friendly meeting. Don't know if I want to go out again, but let's see where this will lead me. But let's say I want to ask her out again, how do I make it clear I want it to be a date? By just bluntly saying, "You want to go for a second date?" or something? Thing is, we did agree to seeing each other again because we did not get to do the thing we planned to do on this date.

[hasaquestion]

Thanks for your replies! Very insightful. Trying to train my skill in reading body language and such because I think I missed a lot of opportunities in the past because of me not paying attention.

 

Yes, I know I should probably ask her out again. It just felt weird because you basically asked me out and I was clueless whether it was a date or just a friendly meeting. Don't know if I want to go out again, but let's see where this will lead me. But let's say I want to ask her out again, how do I make it clear I want it to be a date? By just bluntly saying, "You want to go for a second date?" or something? Thing is, we did agree to seeing each other again because we did not get to do the thing we planned to do on this date.

 

If she wasn't open to seeing you again she wouldn't have gone out of her way to send you a YouTube video. That's basically making up an excuse to text something to you.

I'd say the question isn't whether or not she wants to see you again, its in what capacity.

[NVO]

@hasaquestion: I will answer you as soon as I get home. Trying to respond to your quotes on my iPhone is a pain in the ass.

[NVO]

Not the most encouraging response but "you look nice" if those were the exact words is kind of strange. My .02 is that if you're going to go for a throwaway physical compliment make it her boots or shoes. You look nice is too vague.

 

Oh, really? Wow, never thought of it that way. It was sincere though because I really liked the way she was dressed. But maybe I should be more specific in the future. Thanks.

 

What matters is less how she responds to physical contact in the immediate (most people won't recoil and look at you with disgust) and how it escalates things in the date overall. Like, whether or not she gets proximally closer to you. IME when you touch a girl you are leading her to be closer to you. And if she accepts your lead she'll do it back. She might not actually touch you but maybe lean in more, or laugh more, or something.

 

Well, after we got closer and I touched her she seemed to open up more. And throughout the date our hands touched multiple times and she always was close to me, like not walking on the other side of the sidewalk. Not sure if that's supposed to mean anything, but just add it for a more complete report haha.

 

Again, more a sign she doesn't hate you than anything else. I think what matters most is the overall trajectory, did these little closer moments lead her to get more up in your airspace as the date went along?

 

Hard one to answer. We were sitting at a bar, both on a separate barstool. She did not get any closer but I think that would be strange if she would be pulling up her stool closer to mine. That's what sucked about this date, I had other things planned. We were going to enjoy the view and I could point thing out to her and talk about that. That would have given me a lot more opportunities to get closer and test things.

 

Crossed legs is a bad sign by the book. Human body language ranges across a spectrum from open to closed.

 

Hmm, you're probably right. But isn't more common for a woman to sit like that way? It was not like she had her arms crossed. Actually she picked her shirt very often during talking, but that could be some annoying tick haha.

 

For me the direction people's eyes go when they look away is huge. There's a big difference between good nervous eyes and bad nervous. IME a glance around that takes stock of the surroundings is the bad kind of nervous, looking down is the good kind. Do you remember what she was doing when she looked away at all?

 

She looked down to the bar as I recall. Did happen out of nowhere, like sometimes we would talk and lock eyes, other moments she would look away after two, three seconds.

 

Overall it sounds more like you two got along as friends but there wasn't a lot of attraction. But you're the one who was actually there so only you know. If I were you I'd see her again either way - a friend isn't a bad thing to have.

 

Yeah your probably right. And no, it isn't. I would appreciate her as a friend because I don't see this go into something serious from my part. FWB at it's most. Like I said, it felt good to be with a woman again after not so happy time in my life. Maybe I'll ask her out again and try to steer it towards an actual date feeling.

[tasev1]

I am most certainly not experienced in this, but based on what I have learned trying to help myself, I would tell myself that even though the interaction was great, I would have to step it up on the 2nd fate for sure.

 

My interpretation of your date gives me the impression that you lacked clear intent and strong male leadership. She could just as well have still been nervous.

[hasaquestion]

You look nice sounds like something you might say to every girl you go out with. Whereas a more specific compliment (why does she look nice?) come across more spontaneous and thus genuine. At least that's my observation. Ladies want to feel special. "You look nice" is the opposite of special. Girls put a ton of thought into footwear so if they have nice boots on that's always a good thing to point out. It's about taste not looks but it still has some 'rawr' to it.

 

It is more ladylike to cross your legs but I'd still take note of the fact that she had her legs crossed. Closed vs. open is one of the big aspects of body language you've got to learn how to identify. Not just for dating either, it helps for everything.

 

Other than that it sounds pretty good. Take her out again and do something that's more of an activity and see how it goes.

[soph-walker]

..how do I make it clear I want it to be a date? By just bluntly saying, "You want to go for a second date?"...

 

You said it;)

 

What more does there need to be other than this question?

[carhill]

Firstly I’d like to make clear that whether if she is interested or not

 

If she's there holding your hand when you die, in that moment you'll have your clarity. Anything else is an educated guess or trust or both.

 

If she keeps showing up for dates, then she's interested in something. You could be that something. It's all unknown.

 

If you have an enjoyable time on a date, flow it into asking her to 'continue this on xxx' and gauge her response. If she's enjoying your company and finds you attractive, she'll likely want to grow that. If other, other. Like I said, until you die. The rest of it will always be a bit uncertain because, well, we're human and we have free will.

[Robratory]

Thanks for your replies! Very insightful. Trying to train my skill in reading body language and such because I think I missed a lot of opportunities in the past because of me not paying attention.

 

Yeah, I noticed that in your first post. Stop it. Seriously, this business of reading body language is basically useless. General observations about human behavior (many women play with their hair when they're interested) do not apply to individuals (my date must be interested in me since she's playing with her hair).

 

You're better off using language. You've known of this woman for some time, so it would have been perfectly ok to tell her something like "I really like you." If she tried to play dumb and came back with a glib, "Oh, I really like you too," you could have mentally rolled your eyes and said, "No, I mean I'm attracted to you." If it gets awkward, give her a way out and ask, "Are you not looking to get involved right now?" If she's just not into you, she'll go with the excuse to avoid hurting your feelings. You would do that too if the situation were reversed.

[NVO]

Thanks guys, really appreciate your advice. I think I'll ask her out again.

[preraph]

Realistically, since you only met once, neither of you can possibly know if you really like one another. All you can tell is if she's willing to keep trying to get to know you and find out, and i would say the answer is yes to that. She would never have made contact afterward if not. She already knows you don't want to just be friends because you've been telling her how beautiful she is. So that would have made her uncomfortable if she only wanted to be friends. But all you can assume is she's willing to go out again and see what develops, so ask her out again, and either hold hands or put your hand on her back going through a door or something gentlemanly like that. If that does well, give her a not too wet mouth kiss before dropping her off. Good luck!

[Oregon_Dude]

You are thinking about this way too much. Evidence: your OP.

 

Just keep going on dates, flirting, and enjoying the company of women. If she's smiling, laughing, touching you lightly, and accepting a second date... you're in.

 

Don't worry about being perfect. Just be a gentleman, pay for the drinks (I don't advise going out for dinner - too expensive for someone you don't even know - she doesn't deserve dinner at that point), and get to know her.

 

No pressure dude. If a woman doesn't like you - oh well. At least you got another chance to hone your skill. Dating IS a skill, make no mistake.

[Piddle]

Those are all the things I would do if I was interested in a guy, especially the text. I don't think it's low interest. My dad's northern european and I've spent a ton of time there, it's very different. The way I perceive it is the signals as way subtler. I would not text a guy anything in the morning if I was not interested for fear of giving the wrong vibe.

[NVO]

Alright it's been a while but I've followed up on your advice and asked the girl out again. But we were both quite busy these last two months, so it was hard making plans. I just left the ball in her court and after a few weeks she texted me: 'I don't hear much of you lately.' That was the sign I guess, so our second date is planned this Sunday.

[joseb]

Two months? This must be the slowest courtship ever!

Have you gone on many other dates?

[NVO]

Two months? This must be the slowest courtship ever!

Have you gone on many other dates?

 

 

Haha, it is.

 

No I have not. Since my BU it's only been me, me and me actually. My career is important to me at this stage, and it pays off because I'm making progress.

 

We'll see what happens.

[BrokenBadly]

You should check out Corey Wayne's videos on youtube, He helps a lot with understanding interest and helping with these types of things. You will be very happy you did.