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Feel I'm in limbo since discovery...


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Posted
Ok developments this afternoon folks.

She got home from work at 5pm. I told her we needed to discuss stuff...

Basically I wanted to know how she could, with forethought, planning and 100% willingness, arrange and execute this 'fling'. I asked her if her marriage to me didn't give her any pause for thought before she acted.

 

I asked her what was happening in her brain during this encounter. If logic and reason had totally abandoned her or whether she was acting with total cognizance of her actions.

 

I asked for intimate details and most importantly I asked for 100% honesty.

 

I am sorry you are enduring this.

 

This issue comes up often. "How could she do it?" The truth isn't nearly as complicated as a lot of people want to make it out to be.

 

Sex with an attractive new person is a lot of fun. They made a calculus that that was what was wanted, figured they could get away with it without disrupting the status quo, and did it.

 

In your case, it looks like she did it again with someone else.

 

It's a strange situation. If she was so turned on by the first guy, why didn't she call and book another appointment with him? Why take a chance with another guy (who turned out to be less appealing)? Did you ask her why she didn't see the first guy again, since she was so smitten by him?

 

She got busted. She didn't, in fact, get away with it, because she foolishly memorialized it in a diary and you discovered it.

 

I would give her some walking papers. I have no idea why there's any doubt in you mind. That being said, her behavior is so strange, I really have to wonder if she doesn't have some kind of mental problem or substance abuse problem. This behavior is cray-cray.

  • Like 2
Posted

I still don;t understand why she didn't make another appointment with the gorgeous first guy again. Isn't that the appeal of a prostitute - an easy, no-strings sexual adventure with someone you find attractive on a carnal level?

 

If it was easy to book him the first time (and it was), and if it was awesome for her the first time (and it was), why not call him again. And again, for that matter?

 

Why take the chance on an unknown guy? And once disappointed, why didn't she speed dial the first guy again?

  • Like 1
Posted
I am not offering it as an excuse whatsoever. Have I suggested to Ogre that he forgive his wife?

 

I am just explaining her rationale to the OP and a "what-could-have-happened" scenario that might have saved their marriage. I am a believer, actually, that this ship has sailed on this one.

 

Like I said, I know that you weren't excusing her, it just kind of sounded like it.

 

Also, I never realized we don't agree on much. I don't have anything against you at all if you think I do. You have given some good responses and advice to me in other threads.

  • Like 1
Posted

It's obviously that she was missing something in your relationship that she got from this guy. Or it's possible that she wasn't ready to settle down and/or that she always wondered what it was like to be with a stud whatever that might have been. But the bottom line is that you didn't have something that she wanted.

 

Beware of phony excuses to explain it all away. Beware of not telling you the entire truth and only what she wants you to hear. What she did was a disgrace and unless she had a horrible experience don't let her convince you that she won't do it again. In fact although it may not be in her diary don't assume then it didn't happen again with someone else. Once a cheater always a cheater and some women will NEVER tell you the entire truth. Good luck.

  • Like 1
Posted

Really OP, we are all pretty much on the same page now. Divorce her and separate immediately. I would tell her family the truth as to why and see if they will help her to get counseling. I would be long gone though. Go find someone you can trust and move on. She cheated twice with two guys, after only one year of marriage. And she evrn PAID for it. You can do whatever you want, but there are very few men or women who would stay after that kind of betrayal.

  • Like 4
Posted

You need time away from her while you decide your path, ask her to leave to stay with her family, she can explain why this is happening to them. Marriages with infidelity this early in the relationship have a harder time surviving, that's what the stat's say. Sounds like the chances are pretty high that she will repeat her behaviour while she experiments with her eroticism, I just don't see her stopping with one good experience and one bad experience. It's always easier to do it again once she has stepped over the infidelity line. These were planned and thought out betrayals with risky sexual partners and she paid these men to help her betray you.

 

This is not a typical situation that is about a standard affair with someone she cares about, this is all one sided and kind of sick. She put herself and you at risk for her selfish high, something really wrong here friend. You may have just caught her coming out, who knows what she may be capable of, maybe answering ad's from strangers for ONS's. Masturbating to a live and private sex show in a cheap hotel room sounds kinda sick.

  • Like 4
Posted
It's obviously that she was missing something in your relationship that she got from this guy. Or it's possible that she wasn't ready to settle down and/or that she always wondered what it was like to be with a stud whatever that might have been. But the bottom line is that you didn't have something that she wanted.

That's not quite the bottom line. Women in my past haven't had something I wanted, but I didn't ever cheat on them, with a prostitute or with a civilian for that matter.

 

I know many women and on any given day, I am attracted to several of them, but I don't take steps to act on those instincts. They have something I wanted. Big deal - lots of women have that.

  • Like 4
Posted

What I take away from this thread, is the fact that she's a deeply flawed individual. Not a bad or evil person, just a person who's head doesn't work right.

 

It takes long and hard work to rebuild a dysfunctional personality.

 

Promises don't cut it.

 

She made promises before and broke them.

 

Unless she commits to long term therapy, nothing will change, and even then, the therapy might not be successful.

  • Like 1
Posted

Some women who cheat - engage in sex acts they simply refuse to do with their own "love of their lives". For some men this is inconceivable and unacceptable in any reconsideration. It eats them from the inside. If you engage in couples therapy I suggest you find a therapist willing to include this in your work with her. She is going to have to treat you as well as she did him.

 

Also you say your were her one and only sexual partner? Was that important or valued by you as a part of your love and commitment? If so that gift is gone.

 

I suspect as you do - that this professional stud was probably the best sexual experience of her life - and she wanted to see what that was like - and then settle for you. Don't bet she wont look fondly on this in the future.

 

You won't get over this. If there are no kids - move on.

  • Like 2
Posted
Really OP, we are all pretty much on the same page now. Divorce her and separate immediately. I would tell her family the truth as to why and see if they will help her to get counseling. I would be long gone though. Go find someone you can trust and move on. She cheated twice with two guys, after only one year of marriage. And she evrn PAID for it. You can do whatever you want, but there are very few men or women who would stay after that kind of betrayal.

 

I agree that I would expose her to her family and friends while sending her packing. She needs help. Also it would feel damn good to shame her. Can't think of much more of a shameful thing to expose about another. But I'm vengeful, so don't take my advice on revenge to seriously. DO GO TO A LAWYER! I mentioned earlier people do stupid things from a legal standpoint when they discover infidelity. Don't make too many decisions without talking to a lawyer about it first!! Once exposed, she might turn against you and try to get all she can out of you money wise knowing she is on a sinking ship. She quite possibly could turn nasty once exposed to her family and friends where she blames you for losing her support system and will want to take everything she can from you in return.

 

Go see a lawyer and make sure you are protecting yourself!!

 

I would still tell her parents though. Oh man, the disappointment in their daughter sure would be a sweet taste in my mouth. Would put a skip in my step for a day or two anyway.

  • Like 3
Posted

Op,

 

I know you are really hurting right now, which is completely understandable. taking some time on your own to sort through your feelings can make a big difference in how you face the future.

 

The most important question you will have to answer is if you think you can ever trust her again. One can forgive and move past a hurtful act, but if there is no trust, there may be very little to base your marriage on.

 

You'll have to decide for yourself if you can ever get that rust back, but if you really feel you can't, then staying with her is not fair to either one of you.

  • Like 2
Posted

OP,

one more thing to keep in mind.

Her actions are not a reflection on you or anything you did/ didn't do. You could have been stud of the year for 20 years running and she woudl still have done what she did.

 

The problem lies in her, not you.

  • Like 4
Posted
OP,

one more thing to keep in mind.

Her actions are not a reflection on you or anything you did/ didn't do. You could have been stud of the year for 20 years running and she woudl still have done what she did.

 

The problem lies in her, not you.

 

This is 100% true. She was going to screw that prostitute no matter what she had at home. The fact that she was so turned on by him, setup a meeting, then did it with a second prostitute speaks volumes here. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this.

 

One thing I will take issue with though is that it's ALL about trust. Trust is a huge factor, but sometimes a betrayal is to such magnitude that you just can't get over it. For many people, screwing a prostitute is a deal breaker. For others, potentially exposing their partner to STDs is a dealbreaker. For others, doing things with your affair partner that you won't do for your spouse (swallowing, etc.) is a dealbreaker. She has hit on all three of the above with this infiddlity. I cannot fathom how he could stay in that marriage given what he knows. She even put it in her diary so she could fantasize about it later! This woman has serious issues.

  • Like 4
Posted

I do disagree with her having "serious issues" because she chose to hire a prostitute.

 

Look, mentally healthy people have been seeing hookers for sex since time immemorial. Next to motherhood and teaching, prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the world.

 

She wanted sex with a man she lusted after and she was willing to pay for it. Fine.

 

She wanted to repeat the enjoyable experience with another prostitute and set that up, too, although it wasn't as good for her. Fine.

 

She wrote Prostitute #1 in her diary to preserve and relive the memories. Ok, lots of people journal for just that reason.

 

None of those things makes her "sick". Just because she patronized prostitutes doesn't make her sick. Doing it while married and lying about it for years doesn't make her sick, either. It makes her a garden variety d*uchebagette.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
This is 100% true. She was going to screw that prostitute no matter what she had at home. The fact that she was so turned on by him, setup a meeting, then did it with a second prostitute speaks volumes here. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this.

 

One thing I will take issue with though is that it's ALL about trust. Trust is a huge factor, but sometimes a betrayal is to such magnitude that you just can't get over it. For many people, screwing a prostitute is a deal breaker. For others, potentially exposing their partner to STDs is a dealbreaker. For others, doing things with your affair partner that you won't do for your spouse (swallowing, etc.) is a dealbreaker. She has hit on all three of the above with this infiddlity. I cannot fathom how he could stay in that marriage given what he knows. She even put it in her diary so she could fantasize about it later! This woman has serious issues.

 

I agree.

 

Unfortunately, there's the cheaters mantra, which gets rolled out more often than not:

 

"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me."

 

Thats 100% BS.

 

Blame shifting nonsense.

 

OP: Don't fall for that if she tries it.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 1
Posted

The only thing I know to say to you is how very sorry I am that you are going through this.

 

I keep thinking about this wondering what I would do if it happened to me... And I truly don't know.

 

I certainly understand that this may be too much to recover from.

  • Like 3
Posted
I do disagree with her having "serious issues" because she chose to hire a prostitute.

 

Look, mentally healthy people have been seeing hookers for sex since time immemorial. Next to motherhood and teaching, prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the world.

 

She wanted sex with a man she lusted after and she was willing to pay for it. Fine.

 

She wanted to repeat the enjoyable experience with another prostitute and set that up, too, although it wasn't as good for her. Fine.

 

She wrote Prostitute #1 in her diary to preserve and relive the memories. Ok, lots of people journal for just that reason.

 

None of those things makes her "sick". Just because she patronized prostitutes doesn't make her sick. Doing it while married and lying about it for years doesn't make her sick, either. It makes her a garden variety d*uchebagette.

 

I think that there is more here than just being a douchebag. Realize that all of this happened after one year of marriage. I was on cloud 9 after a year of marriage. The honeymoon phase was still in effect. I couldn't dream of cheating on my wife, ever, but especially not in the first year of marriage! So, yeah, I stand by the notion that she has serious issues. I don't mean that in the "Your wife is sick, stand by her." way either. I mean it in the "Your wife is F'd up, get out now!" way. If this was a horror movie, I'd be the one shouting at the screen "Get out of there!!!" If I found this out about my wife, I'd seriously be puking up my lunch.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
If she was so turned on by the first guy, why didn't she call and book another appointment with him? Why take a chance with another guy (who turned out to be less appealing)? Did you ask her why she didn't see the first guy again, since she was so smitten by him?

 

I'm going to take the high road here and speculate that your wife knew that she couldn’t control herself with the first guy. So she hired a different guy. That way she might be able to keep her passion in check and stick to her original plan of just touching herself.

 

But the second guy was nowhere near as good as the first guy and she didn’t enjoy herself at all. That made her stop.

 

It’s not much consolation but the first guy seemed to have a magic spell over her. You couldn’t compete with him but the second professional couldn’t either.

Edited by Buckeye2
  • Like 1
Posted
I do disagree with her having "serious issues" because she chose to hire a prostitute.

 

Look, mentally healthy people have been seeing hookers for sex since time immemorial. Next to motherhood and teaching, prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the world.

 

She wanted sex with a man she lusted after and she was willing to pay for it. Fine.

 

She wanted to repeat the enjoyable experience with another prostitute and set that up, too, although it wasn't as good for her. Fine.

 

She wrote Prostitute #1 in her diary to preserve and relive the memories. Ok, lots of people journal for just that reason.

 

None of those things makes her "sick". Just because she patronized prostitutes doesn't make her sick. Doing it while married and lying about it for years doesn't make her sick, either. It makes her a garden variety d*uchebagette.

 

I think what you’re saying is that you don’t have to be mentally ill to have an affair. Just like you don’t have to be mentally ill to rob a bank. You can make a rational decision to do either because in your estimation the benefits outweigh the risks.

 

Having issues can make you more likely to do bad things but you don’t have to be “broken.” What annoys me is people running off to the shrink to find out why they did it. They must be “broken” and the shrink will help them figure it out. Being “broken” is a convent excuse. The "broken" part of them did it, not the real them.

 

It was fun and they thought you would get away with it. Pretty simple

  • Like 2
Posted

Q: "Why did she do it?"

 

A: "She did it because she wanted to."

  • Like 1
Posted
this all started because neither one of you can keep your hands off things that do not belong to you.

 

What? Really hope you're not equating his looking at her flash drive with her casting herself in an American Gigolo remake...

 

Mr. Lucky

Posted

I'm so sorry to read of this, OP. I cannot imagine the suffering you must be going through. My heart breaks for you. It's one thing to read about this but to imagine going through it is something I can't fathom.

 

Your wife seems terribly broken to me. I would guess there are other areas of her life where a lack of integrity manifests that you may not have discovered yet.

 

I would also go so far as to say that the guy she wrote about in the diary may very well not have been her first sexual betrayal of you whether it was with a similar episode or something less extreme.

 

For a woman to go from zero promiscuity to using a male prostitute at that young age seems unlikely to me. It is odd for a young woman to objectify another human (the prostitute) in this manner, in my opinion.

 

I'd also suggest a divorce unless you are totally dedicated to spending the rest of your life being betrayed for quite awhile and working and hoping for her eventual healing.

 

One other thing. I would tell her parents of her problems but I wouldn't shame her. She's pathetic enough without being shamed and is more to be pitied than humiliated as she's quite capable of humiliating and shaming herself, which she has done; and most likely will continue to do until she realizes her need of change.

 

What she needs desperately is help. If I knew such a person I would be glad to help them in their pathway to healing but I would never develop any type of a relationship with the person. I don't believe she's capable of honoring any type of interpersonal relationship with anyone else at this time in her life.

Posted
She told me that she asked about a private dance because she wanted to masturbate while she watched him. She also claims that this was her sole intention while arranging the meeting at the hotel, that she was simply going to pleasure herself while he stripped but that the situation in reality was too much and she just lost control.

 

Oh of course, women pay to masturbate to male strippers all the time. :rolleyes: This woman has some big brass balls to tell you this bunk.

 

Did she think about me or our marriage at all duringthat time?

No. It all felt like a blur and it was over before she realised.

 

It was like a blur, except for the fact that she was able to remember every minutia of detail about the encounter and encapsulate it in her diary.

 

Did she at least take off the beautiful wedding ring with which I pledged her my heart and soul?

No. She was stressed and forgot to remove it.

 

Possibly, or she wanted to wear it while with him to add to the excitement of their forbidden tryst.

 

Did she achieve orgasm with him?

At first she "couldn't remember" but eventually admitted to climaxing 3 or 4 times, at least one of which was through penetration!

 

Did she swallow his sperm? "Cannot remember".

 

How many times did they have sex?

"Cannot remember".

 

Did they kiss with tongue? "Cannot remember" but eventually remembered and admitted that they did.

 

She can't remember anything, then she remembers exact numbers? This was just a few years ago she's not recalling something from several decades ago, she's full of it IMO.

 

This definitely isn't the woman I thought I married...

 

On this you are undoubtedly correct. She's a stranger to you almost as much as she is to me and I've never even met her. That's how little she values transparency and loyalty. There are some people out there who are just chameleons, they pretend to be whatever they think you want them to be for as long as they can get away with it. You're married to a chameleon.

 

this all started because neither one of you can keep your hands off things that do not belong to you.

 

Victim blaming...

 

When she was initially turned on by the first stripper, that was her opportunity to come home and confess her arousal to her husband. Many (most?) husbands would have not appreciated hearing such a confession which is probably why she had to take it underground and act upon it.

 

Victim blaming...

 

What I take away from this thread, is the fact that she's a deeply flawed individual. Not a bad or evil person, just a person who's head doesn't work right.

 

What does somebody have to do nowadays to be a "bad person" if cheating on somebody repeatedly and then covering it up for years doesn't qualify?

  • Like 4
Posted

What does somebody have to do nowadays to be a "bad person" if cheating on somebody repeatedly and then covering it up for years doesn't qualify?

 

You can decide that for yourself.

Posted

Nothing major to add.

 

 

But if you don't have kids, how long would you have to stay in this relationship before you felt safe enough to try.

 

 

3yrs?

 

 

5yrs?

 

 

I think it could be time to leave.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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