girlwaprob Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) Hello all, I hope I can get some good, constructive advice from you. My husband is italian, he and I have been married for 6 months. I am from North America, but we live together in Europe and have been for the last 4 years. He is always a bit friendly with other women-particulary attractive ones, and not with those he finds uninteresting. I have always noticed this and we have had several problems with this and for the last two years or so he has not been this way at all and we’ve been enjoying our lives together peacefully. He has two older brothers and one of them recently started dating a girl from Central America. They came to visit us this weekend (they also live in Europe) and it was the first time we were to meet this girl. I had to work on Saturday so I hadnt met her when my husband had , but when I returned home, I met her she seemed nice but I noticed her staring a-lot at my husband. Then he played spanish music for her the entire time, he only spoke spanish-even to me and my brother in law, and then he asked her which actor she finds attractive. ‘’Javier Bardem ? Antonio Banderass ?’’ He thinks he looks like both of those actors, so I said ‘’hes asking you because he thinks he looks like them.’’ He felt embarassed so went off to do something else. I was fuming. WHo is this person asking a random girl who she likes ? So unfortunately for myself, I let mye motions get the best of me and I told him how I felt. Let me backtrack. My husband put my life through a living hell with languages- he never spoke English to everyone to make me feel welcome, and for the first year of our relationship he not ONCE asked about my life back home. Basically I had no choice but to learn Italian which he never even taught me and it was not easy. (we dont live in Italy) Back to the story. So I tell him how I feel- which did not get the best response. Essentially he screamed at me in the street and told me Im too jealous and he meant nothing by anything he just is oh so friendly (NOT true) He then stops talking to me and to everyone because he is a baby that way. We go for drinks all four of us and in comes the gfs friend who lives in our city. We all begin talking and laughing and having a great time- aside from my husband- and then we go off to dinner. At dinner, my husband bombards the girlfriend with questions. He asked her EVERYTHING- from her life story, to her family, her life back home, her work, her dreams- he got more out of her in 1hour than he asked me in A YEAR !!!!!! He translated the menu for her, held the door for her everywhere- I mean ; where was this treatment when he was courting me ? I was completely astonished. I have never seen him like this before. I was having a fine time chatting with the two ladies at the table even though my husband was interrupting us trying to get to know the girlfriend. So the girlfriend makes a comment that the brother doesnt like it when she eats dessert because shes chubby. I say ‘’oh dont worry, my husband doesnt like to talk through dinner, he says its a time for eating only’’ we all laugh and my husband screams. No joke, screams ‘’ you are so stupid. SHE IS SO STUPID’’ so he calls me stupid, twice, infront of strangers because I apparently embarassed him and obviously he was trying to impress this girl. When we got home I could have killed him with how angry I felt ! Hes like ‘’oh ya, sorry abotu the stupid thing’’ he knows I do not like it when he calls me stupid and to call me stupid at dinner, infront of people. I draw the line. we screamed at each other all night because he just doesnt get it!!! and he made it clear that he is a friendly person and that he was just getting to know her. He has NEVER BEEN THIS WAY to a family member of mine or someone who is important to me. He has never even tried to get to know anyone the way he did her- including ME! He said I am completely jealous and that I NEED to change. I refuse to change since for me I dont like him flirting or trying to impress women. It hurts me. He refuses to understand that it hurts me and instead tells me this is his way and I need to get used to it. So, essentially getting to know women and impressing them is more important than his wife’s feelings. What do I do ? It seems like this will only continue on and on unless I become the submissive type- which I will never be. What can I do here ? oh and ps I asked him why he never tried to get to know my brother in the same way since my brother is important to me and since my husband is this incredibly friendly person. he responds that my brother is cold and blocked- not true. I said oh so you thought she was easy to talk to? He said yes. He values a person he does not know over someone in my family. Like this makes any sense. And him holdingthe door for her? Usually when we go to a restaurant he runs in and tries to get the best seat before I even sit! Edited January 25, 2016 by girlwaprob
RySant Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 One simple question for you: Is this the person whom you would like to spend the rest of your life with? 4
Raena Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I hate to say it, but 6 months into the marriage and this is how he's acting? I'd be seriously thinking about walking away. There is no reason for him to treat you in that manner. He should be still courting YOU that early on in the marriage. What are you going to do now? 3
CarrieT Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I would leave the relationship, if it were me. A marriage is supposed to be a place where a partner exalts their partner - not demean them in front of others. This seems like the tip of an iceberg that will only grow worse over the years.... 3
road Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Love is blind. Or you are not that smart. How could you not see what a lowlife your Husband is? You are young, married a short time, divorce him and find a man that will treat you right. 3
TX-SC Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Nothong in that situation was acceptible behavior. I really think you can do better. Divorce him and move on. 2
cozycottagelg Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Sadly, him paying attention to other women is the least of your problems. He has absolutely ZERO respect for you. He never asked about your life prior to meeting him? That doesn't seem odd to you? Or mean? What are his good qualities? I honestly couldn't find a single one in your post. 4
stillafool Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 You can divorce him or try marriage counseling? What are you going to do about his lack of respect for you?
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 You can divorce him or try marriage counseling? What are you going to do about his lack of respect for you? TbH, I actually think the lack of respect is mutual... girlwaprob, I'm Italian, and it's a well-known fact a lot of Italian guys (though of course, not all) are 'Mamma's boys'. He sounds somewhat spoilt, and as if he believes he is Dio's gift to women... Sadly, the three main stalwart foundations and supports for any healthy, constructive, productive and happy relationship - are ALL missing. There is no Respect - and I honestly can't believe you respect him, talking about him in the third person, with criticisms he is present to hear. It's clear he has no respect for you, either... There is no Trust. If there were, his behaviour would be off your back like drop[s of water on a duck... as it is, everything he does with interaction with another woman, sets off alarm bells in your mind... And there is no effective and constructive Communication. The way he speaks to you in public, is not communication - but it seems that you scream at each other, even in private. Hardly productive... If any one of these is missing, the couple is batting on a sticky wicket. TO have all three missing, spells unmitigated disaster. I would suggest counselling, but for such a young marriage to be faltering so early on, well...Is it worth it? Would he agree? You never had an inkling as to his character and temperament while you were courting/dating him? At all? 3
Whoknew30 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 The least of the problems I read was him being interested in another woman. Nothing you posted spoke he was into someone else, it said he doesn't & has never actually respected me. He didn't even help you speak his native language? it sounds like you're not upset bc he's interested in another woman, you're upset bc he showed more respect to another woman. Well that woman isn't putting up with his crap & you do. He isn't the problem here, you're more of your own problem you just haven't figured that out yet. You ignored his behavior until he treated his brother's girlfriend with respect, yet are only upset bc you think he's "interested" in her. it sounds like you have major insecurity issues that you need fix before you can figure out why you've put yourself in the position.
cocorico Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 Hello all, I hope I can get some good, constructive advice from you. My husband is italian, he and I have been married for 6 months. I am from North America, but we live together in Europe and have been for the last 4 years. He is always a bit friendly with other women-particulary attractive ones, and not with those he finds uninteresting. I have always noticed this and we have had several problems with this and for the last two years or so he has not been this way at all and we’ve been enjoying our lives together peacefully. He has two older brothers and one of them recently started dating a girl from Central America. They came to visit us this weekend (they also live in Europe) and it was the first time we were to meet this girl. I had to work on Saturday so I hadnt met her when my husband had , but when I returned home, I met her she seemed nice but I noticed her staring a-lot at my husband. Then he played spanish music for her the entire time, he only spoke spanish-even to me and my brother in law, and then he asked her which actor she finds attractive. ‘’Javier Bardem ? Antonio Banderass ?’’ He thinks he looks like both of those actors, so I said ‘’hes asking you because he thinks he looks like them.’’ He felt embarassed so went off to do something else. I was fuming. WHo is this person asking a random girl who she likes ? So unfortunately for myself, I let mye motions get the best of me and I told him how I felt. Let me backtrack. My husband put my life through a living hell with languages- he never spoke English to everyone to make me feel welcome, and for the first year of our relationship he not ONCE asked about my life back home. Basically I had no choice but to learn Italian which he never even taught me and it was not easy. (we dont live in Italy) Back to the story. So I tell him how I feel- which did not get the best response. Essentially he screamed at me in the street and told me Im too jealous and he meant nothing by anything he just is oh so friendly (NOT true) He then stops talking to me and to everyone because he is a baby that way. We go for drinks all four of us and in comes the gfs friend who lives in our city. We all begin talking and laughing and having a great time- aside from my husband- and then we go off to dinner. At dinner, my husband bombards the girlfriend with questions. He asked her EVERYTHING- from her life story, to her family, her life back home, her work, her dreams- he got more out of her in 1hour than he asked me in A YEAR !!!!!! He translated the menu for her, held the door for her everywhere- I mean ; where was this treatment when he was courting me ? I was completely astonished. I have never seen him like this before. I was having a fine time chatting with the two ladies at the table even though my husband was interrupting us trying to get to know the girlfriend. So the girlfriend makes a comment that the brother doesnt like it when she eats dessert because shes chubby. I say ‘’oh dont worry, my husband doesnt like to talk through dinner, he says its a time for eating only’’ we all laugh and my husband screams. No joke, screams ‘’ you are so stupid. SHE IS SO STUPID’’ so he calls me stupid, twice, infront of strangers because I apparently embarassed him and obviously he was trying to impress this girl. When we got home I could have killed him with how angry I felt ! Hes like ‘’oh ya, sorry abotu the stupid thing’’ he knows I do not like it when he calls me stupid and to call me stupid at dinner, infront of people. I draw the line. we screamed at each other all night because he just doesnt get it!!! and he made it clear that he is a friendly person and that he was just getting to know her. He has NEVER BEEN THIS WAY to a family member of mine or someone who is important to me. He has never even tried to get to know anyone the way he did her- including ME! He said I am completely jealous and that I NEED to change. I refuse to change since for me I dont like him flirting or trying to impress women. It hurts me. He refuses to understand that it hurts me and instead tells me this is his way and I need to get used to it. So, essentially getting to know women and impressing them is more important than his wife’s feelings. What do I do ? It seems like this will only continue on and on unless I become the submissive type- which I will never be. What can I do here ? oh and ps I asked him why he never tried to get to know my brother in the same way since my brother is important to me and since my husband is this incredibly friendly person. he responds that my brother is cold and blocked- not true. I said oh so you thought she was easy to talk to? He said yes. He values a person he does not know over someone in my family. Like this makes any sense. And him holdingthe door for her? Usually when we go to a restaurant he runs in and tries to get the best seat before I even sit! I'm not understanding why you're together. You seem, at a very basic level, to dislike each other. You put him down in public, he minimises your feelings. He shows no interest in you or your family, you bond with "the ladies" over dinner in a way that excludes him. I'm really not seeing either of you cherishing the other, or being "a couple" around other people. You seem to be competing for his attention constantly, and he seems to be seeking warmth from others because he's not getting it from you. I'd suggest either getting couples counselling, if you want to salvage the marriage, or cutting your losses and finding someone closer to your own cultural background, since that seems to be a real hurdle for you.
M1ke12 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I am in a horrible situation and I want to keep my marriage. However there is a long history, a lot of GOOD years behind us. We have had way more ups then downs so in my mind its worth saving. You are in a horrible situation too but in your case, I think you are started down a path where there are more downs then ups. Young and no kids? You've ONLY got your best interest to keep in mind, do not worry about his, don't try to FIX him. Move on, there is a lot of good men out there. I know its true because almost all my friends are good men.
jnel921 Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Sounds like there is a bit of jealousy here. I wouldn't be annoyed at my H asking any questions as long as I knew that we have great communication between ourselves. Sounds like you don't or are lacking. Screaming at you in front of these people is unacceptable. This would have merited a drink in the face had it been me. If you allow this he will continue to disrespect you. You must have allowed many things for him to behave this way. Ask for a change. Go to MC and discuss the issues. if your H truly loves you and wants to save the M he will work on fixing things and so will you. Doesn't sound like he is cheating but these are the beginning behaviors that you need to stop in its tracks. Good Luck.
Recommended Posts