How does it all fall apart? My heart hurts...

[Scarlett.O'hara]

He IS being mean and horrible right now, giving me the silent treatment...and like I said I can see it for what it is for sure. That's just not what this thread was about. It's about dealing with the loss of this guy I thought I found 3 months ago. It's only gotten bad in the last 2 weeks. I just keep thinking about when he was great back in October. Like I said, I know he isn't right now.

 

Just wish I could go back to a couple months ago. I miss it so much...

 

I get that, and I am sorry you are hurting. You didn't deserve any of this. I thought it might help to focus on the negative things that have happened, which is why I brought them up.

 

It is easy to get caught up in memories of the good times. We have all done it. The problem is that makes it harder to move on.

 

I'm not saying that it is an easy thing to do, but if you can associate him with more negative than positive thoughts, the loss may not feel as great, and it might help make this situation more bearable for you.

 

Hang in there.

[ddlovexx]

Thank you guys. That was all really great and I'm going to keep re-reading all of those posts every time I feel weak.

 

I guess the best thing to do is no contact. It's true, someone who loves you just doesn't do this. Though I'd like to speak to him in person and talk like adults if given the chance, which I think he will reach out after a few days and we can do so. Although, I know there's no such thing as closure, so I don't know..,

[upnorth]

Of course he was being extra sweet...he had been a douche and realized it.

 

Now, there's a good likelihood that he was sober the first month he met you...quite often, alcoholics can replace their need for alcohol with a love " buzz"....the only problem is, it doesn't last, and also, he also could have been drinking and hiding it. Trust me on this, I'm a recovered alcoholic, and when active, most go to any lengths to hide it.

 

With that being said, this man cleary has a drinking issue. Don't minimize it, or try to justify it. My guess is that night he probably did have full intentions of meeting up with you, but then the need to continue drinking over took that. He had to rationalize it somehow, that's where the turning it around on you came from, saying it was a guys night....again, go to any lengths. I also think the STI thing is just a manipulation tactic to turn things around to you.

 

He will try to minimize it to you, unless he pulls the " I'm going to get sober all I needed was a loving partner who understands me " card. That won't work btw. I mean, if you stay with him, he may get sober, or he may not. It will have nothing to do with you though.

 

And all that being said, even as an active alcoholic, I wouldn't have treated someone the way he's treating you. The facebook nonsense, getting jealous over a friend.....that's not the alcoholism, that's just being immature.

 

So with all that being said, I would dare say be thankful all these things came out within two months and you can get the F***k outta dodge.

[Redhead14]

It's gotten worse somehow.

 

He woke up in a much sweeter mood today, made breakfast, gave me a few kisses, etc. Told me I could stay as long as I need to but I dug out my car and left anyway. He gave me a normal kiss goodbye, told me to let him know I got home safe.

 

I did, and I told him I was planning on going to the clinic tomorrow it prove that I'm fine. He said he loved me and we'd talk soon. I told him to take he time he needs because I deserve better than what's happening right now, and that I miss my boyfriend.

 

Later on, he commented on a pic of me and a guy friend that was taken and posted months ago. Just a snarky comment for no reason, guy is only a friend, it was at a wedding, and before I knew my current BF. I called him out on it and said there's no reason, that he's just a friend and is an old pic, etc. and somehow it turned into a huge text fight and he started being mean, told me "goodnight" and changed his cover photo on FB to his dogs instead of me and him. I don't know why but that crushed me. I sent him a text explaining that he is really hurting me and there's no need to be mean, that this is so unlike him, and that I love him and wish him happiness.

 

I don't know anymore but I'm just hurting so bad. He's giving me the cold shoulder. I don't think I want to be with him anymore, but we haven't officially broken up were planning on at least taking a couple days and then coming together to talk. Now I'm just hurting because... Why was he mean and stupid for no reason? And doing something that he knew would hurt me like taking down the picture of us.

 

I just want to stop hurting. I think he'll text me eventually? Ugh. I know it's best just to let this ride out but it's hard.

 

He didn't help dig you out??? And, if he's been this worried about whatever he might have, why didn't he take his rear end to the doctor? He's sending you to the doctor? And, you going to the doctor to prove you are fine, may not work out anyway because if he had "something" before you came along and you have it now, good luck with the "who gave it to whom converations". If there is something going on and you both have it, he's going to blame you anyway.

 

When he noticed this discharge, did he continue to have sex with you while "worrying" about it?

 

This guy is a douche.

[Redhead14]

Thank you guys. That was all really great and I'm going to keep re-reading all of those posts every time I feel weak.

 

I guess the best thing to do is no contact. It's true, someone who loves you just doesn't do this. Though I'd like to speak to him in person and talk like adults if given the chance, which I think he will reach out after a few days and we can do so. Although, I know there's no such thing as closure, so I don't know..,

 

Closure comes from within. Tap into the inner strength and self that tells you how much more you deserve from a man who wants to be in your life and can look to the future and realize how more more unhappiness you would have experienced if you'd continued with him.

 

Go out and enjoy yourself as a young, single, secure, independent woman who can be happy with herself and know what makes her happy and doesn't accept that which doesn't make her happy. You were likely just fine before he came along, you are the same woman without him . . . actually better without him . . .

[preraph]

I feel bad for you. It always sucks when someone disappoints you and breaks your heart. But you have to face reality that it just took that long to get to know the real him, and now that you know what he is really like, you need to take your love back and just admit it was misplaced.

[Redhead14]

Let's keep this really real for you . . . picture your sister or best friend laying alone in a man's bed at 2 a.m., curled up with her phone, distraught, confused, angry, hurt and stuck there because of a snowstorm and creating this thread . . . now tell us that you would want to kick his a*s and tell her to forget about him and go out and have a good time in the snow.

[mattelipstick]

OP, didn't you just get out of another emotionally abusive relationship a few months ago? Or am I thinking of someone else? If it was you, how long were you single before jumping into this situation? Seems like you'd need time to heal/process before immediately deciding you're in love with someone else.

[kendahke]

Just wish I could go back to a couple months ago. I miss it so much...

 

Seeing that things would just play out with him as they already have, what would you have done differently 2 months ago?

[kendahke]

To be honest (and blunt) with you, if he's got an STD, and you're positive you don't, then that means he's been having unprotected sex with someone who does have an STD.

 

Have you been having unprotected sex with him during these two months? I take it neither one of you went for a screening right before you started having sex? I did read that you said you go for cancer screenings, but do they also do STD testing on you automatically or did you request that they do it? Generally, they don't during routine exams unless you say something. Did you take him at his word that he was clean or did he show you a recent doctor's report?

 

But getting back to him having the drips for a month: is he blaming his smoking, toking and drinking on that instead of going to the clinic and getting a test done?

 

It sounds to me like he was with someone right before he met you and his shady behavior since is telling me that he's been with her since. From my own experience with a cheater, exactly what he's done by telling you he's coming by and then not even showing up until 5am telling you not to sweat it is exactly the crap my ex would do/tell me when he was out on the prowl.

 

Best thing you can do is to set him adrift. Right now, he means you no good. He doesn't respect you, doesn't respect your time or intelligence and is now acting very, very shady when it's not even warranted--and at only 2 months in.

 

I get that you want the old "him" back, but sweetie--you fell in love with his representative, not the real him. The real him does all of these deal-breaking things and his representative is now long gone. You fell for the aspect of his personality that put a mighty tasty bait on that hook that you now find yourself trying to remove from your cheek. It does sound wonderful and dream-confirming when he uses rhetoric like "we're a team", but it's nothing but lure. Lure to lull you into a stupor while he goes out and does him. And understand: he will say/do anything to lull you back into that stupor and then the whole miserable cycle begins again.

 

After all is said and done, this guy ain't the guy for you. You know it, but you keep trying to strangle that part of you that is screaming for you to get out because you want to be part of a couple. There is a man out there who wants that same thing and he doesn't smoke like a chimney or drinks like a fish. You're pretty much at the crossroads right now. If you keep to this path, you will keep reaping more of the same and losing more and more of your own self-value in order to say "I got a man". That's no way to live for someone your age.

 

Don't squander your youth behind a guy like this.

[Versacehottie]

Closure comes from within.

 

Exactly!!! Let's face it: most people who claim they want closure just want an opportunity to talk to the other person; another chance with them; another go at them; a "reason" they can live with. If you really are over the relationship and INTENDING to move on, the answer for all the closure you need is within yourself. Even a very frank talk with a reasonable ex rarely gives you the "answers" you are seeking. They are within you. Perfectly said, redhead

[kendahke]

Exactly!!! Let's face it: most people who claim they want closure just want an opportunity to talk to the other person; another chance with them; another go at them; a "reason" they can live with. If you really are over the relationship and INTENDING to move on, the answer for all the closure you need is within yourself. Even a very frank talk with a reasonable ex rarely gives you the "answers" you are seeking. They are within you. Perfectly said, redhead

 

Exactly.

 

Getting closure from someone who dumped you is you lying to yourself about what you want. What you actually want is for things to be the way they used to be. Closure talk rarely ends up the way one envisions it. Generally speaking, it leads to break up sex, you debasing your value and afterward you feeling like crap because it didn't accomplish what you set out to accomplish.

 

All the closure one needs is an afternoon with a blank Word document or a pen and notebook and pouring it all out on the page--then deleting/burning it after.

[neowulf]

never mind.. old post.

[ddlovexx]

Hey there,

 

So I've been in a pretty wonderful relationship with a man for 5 months now. (Feels like I've known him forever though.) All in all he's so great and we've become so close and are very much in love, it's a beautiful experience after coming out of previous toxic relationship.

 

So my main issue is that he is addicted to weed. And I know you can't be but I say "addicted" because it seems he needs it every day. In the morning before work, lunchtime, after, evening, before bed... It's just become too much. I even enjoy it sometimes, once or twice a week on my days off or after a long night of work, but I honestly prefer to have a glass or two of wine than smoke.

 

When we first got together he promised he'd quit smoking cigs and still hasn't done that. I know you can't change people so I've come to better terms with it and deal with it as best I can, I know he does want to quit. But my issue with the Mary Jane is that he becomes a different person. I have a hit or two and kinda just relax, he takes multiple hits and enters a different world. I just feel like he's using it as an escape and it really bothers me, sometimes hurts that the fun we are having just doesn't seem to be enough. He has to take it that extra step... Which sometimes leads to an argument.

 

I tried talking to him about it, at least less of it or something and it comes down to "I want to do what I want to do, you don't have to agree". Men don't like to be controlled, I try to explain that I don't want to control him but he's being inconsiderate of my feelings. I mean sometimes he smokes and eats and falls asleep at 7:30... Cmon. I only have two nights off a week and would like to actually spend them together and awake. It's disappointing and it makes me really sad. It's like my feelings don't matter.

 

Maybe I need to spend less time with him. We've gotten to seeing each other pretty much every night and if I decide on a night to stay home, he'll wind up texting saying he misses me etc. and I'll wind up going over. Maybe I need to stand my ground more, I'm not sure.

 

I don't want to control him but I want to be heard and understood and it doesn't seem like it's happening. The situation makes me really sad but I'm a super sensitive person so this could just be my own issue. Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can possibly cope with this? I don't want our relationship to end, everything else is great. But sometimes I completely shut down, I feel like my feelings and thoughts are irrelevant and my past painful experiences come to mind and I want to run.

 

Thanks for the help friends.

Edited March 31, 2016 by ddlovexx

[KatZee]

I had an ex like this. Couldn't smoke in moderation. I used to enjoy smoking, so it wasn't that I had an issue with the weed itself, but he was ALWAYS high. Same as yours, he'd smoke before even getting together, it was as if he couldn't be around me without being high. It made him very lazy, he wasn't an ambitious or motivated person and him smoking like that made him a huge waste of space. I'd go to his house on a planned hang out and he'd be high and pass out 10 minutes after I got there. It was very stupid and a huge waste of time dating him.

 

Naturally I built up a lot of resentment toward him. He would say he'd smoke less, never happened. I wound up just dumping him because that's ridiculous bring with someone who does nothing but get high.

[kendahke]

some people have addictive personalities. Sounds like he's one of them.

 

"I want to do what I want to do, you don't have to agree"

 

that pretty much sums it up.

 

If you don't like being around weed, then it's time to move on. He likes weed and doesn't want to be nagged about it. If he wanted to put it down for you, that'd have been done by now.

[ddlovexx]

I don't want him to give it up completely, just to tone it down a bit. Like I said, I enjoy it once in a while too. I wouldn't ask him to just never smoke again, although if it came down to me leaving I think he'd consider it.

 

I think I'm gonna take some time away tonight and think about things, give him a second to think about it too. He knows I'm upset. He just doesn't see him smoking weed as a big deal.

[kendahke]

He just doesn't see him smoking weed as a big deal.

 

If you do, then this is a fundamental lifestyle incompatibility that is not going to be resolved by taking one night away to think.

[LoveRefreshed]

I think it's hypocritical to state your preference for alcohol and judge those who prefer to smoke. At least his isn't empty calories nor a drug associated with physical addiction (and mind you, those are serious differences to note).

 

The real issue isn't his pot smoking. The real issue is your view on put smoking. Not that it's wrong, but he's free to be the person he wants to be and you can choose to not be a part of it.

 

Weed making people lazy is bullcrap. Weed is a scapegoat for being lazy and lazy people are going to be lazy whether drunk, high or sober. I know several MD, phD, and successful people who all like to blaze one with me.

[Omei]

Idk how he enters a different worlds can you pass some of what he's smoking?

 

Weed can be dependant I'm fairly dependant I smoke when I wake and when I sleep and time in between...I haven't smoked today because my sinus is bothering me and I don't wanna make it worse us dependants will usually smoke unless there is a reason not too like a job interview, family dinners, not feeling well, driving soon....you get the idea.

 

I will say if he was smoking before you guys started dating, you won't get him to quit I wouldn't quit for a partner either esp if they knew that about me before the relationship started someone who smokes weed daily it's basically like their cigarette smokers only really stop when they need too and they can because it's non addictive but you're not gonna find a blazer that's like oh I quit for my health lol idk I'm just saying don't expect much if he's dependant.

 

And if you make him choose it's likely he will just start doing it behind your back, Us daily smokers smoke for a reason if he's dependant I bet he's smoking for a reason be it anxiety, stress, sleep issues or pain or depression, as a daily smoker it loses it luster and becomes more like medication a way of life rather fun time

 

If he doesn't see the big deal then he's a lifer sorry the only times I've ever met quitters is when they get a bad ass job that does drug testing, or they take a break I've taken breaks but they come back.

 

Perhaps you can convince him to shorten it to twice a day morning and night, then just once a day. You should ask him why he feels he needs to smoke daily.

Edited March 31, 2016 by Omei

[loveweary11]

You can 100% be addicted to weed, despite the smokers pretending you can't.

 

Can't live without weed for a week? You're an addict. Goes for cookies, coffee or anything else.

 

I know at least half a dozen weed addicts. For the record, I smoke occasionally too, but have stopped to be more healthy. So I'm not anti weed. I'm pro weed, actually.

 

First step if he is too lethargic is to get quality sativa strains of weed. These get you high without sedating you.

 

Then, an addict can only be helped when they want to be helped.... so keep that in mind.

[Jejangles]

You can 100% be addicted to weed, despite the smokers pretending you can't.

 

Can't live without weed for a week? You're an addict. Goes for cookies, coffee or anything else.

 

I know at least half a dozen weed addicts. For the record, I smoke occasionally too, but have stopped to be more healthy. So I'm not anti weed. I'm pro weed, actually.

 

First step if he is too lethargic is to get quality sativa strains of weed. These get you high without sedating you.

 

Then, an addict can only be helped when they want to be helped.... so keep that in mind.

 

Totally agree. Weed may not have addictive properties, but you can be addicted to smoking it IMO. One of my friends is - she smokes multiple times a day and can't seem to really enjoy life without it. She can stop for weeks at a time but can't fully stop. And like your boyfriend, weed makes her a completely different person, one I don't like being around. She is sensitive to stimulants and so weed affects her very strongly. She's a great person, but I don't even like hanging around her when she's smoking and could certainly never date her.

 

I think this sounds like a dealbreaker OP. This guy is not going to stop or tone it down unless he wants to, and you don't like the current situation. And I don't blame you, it sounds boring! It's unfortunate because he sounds great otherwise, but I think you either have to accept his weed smoking as it currently is or move on.

[Omei]

You can 100% be addicted to weed, despite the smokers pretending you can't.

 

Can't live without weed for a week? You're an addict. Goes for cookies, coffee or anything else.

 

I know at least half a dozen weed addicts. For the record, I smoke occasionally too, but have stopped to be more healthy. So I'm not anti weed. I'm pro weed, actually.

 

First step if he is too lethargic is to get quality sativa strains of weed. These get you high without sedating you.

 

Then, an addict can only be helped when they want to be helped.... so keep that in mind.

 

You just prefer to call them weed addicts which is very rude, you need to study up a bit weeds been proven to be non addictive with study time and time again, I've never met a weed addict in my 14 years of smoking there is no detox for marjuana smokers, yes you can be dependant but scientifically weed has no addictive containing properties people just ignorantly say it's addictive because yes it's a drug are people addicted to mushrooms ? No there's another non addictive drug they DO exist.

 

You can be dependant but there is no such thing as a weed withdrawal if that were true I'd be craving it like crazy today because I decided to not smoke because of a sinus cold.

 

If a person is dependant they might get really annoyed and stressed but there's no actual withdrawal.

 

Just saying I know I won't convince a lot of ppl but if it's scientifically proven it's kind of hard to argue and not just because I'm pro weed.

Edited March 31, 2016 by Omei

[carhill]

If it don't flow, let it go. No need to get wound up in the minutiae. Either the dating milieu/relationship works for you or it doesn't. If it does, show up. If not, not.

[ddlovexx]

I'll try to keep this short and simple... Ha.

 

Together 6 months but a very stable, loving, true relationship. He's 37 and I'm 25. 95% of the relationship has been nothing but wonderful. I feel so lucky (we both do... Did) to have found someone who shattered what we thought love really was and showed us something magical.

 

we have a couple fights here and there but we always come back. Last night we were supposed to stay in, we wound up going out for "one" drink which turned into five. I got mad (because I was super tired and have work in the morning) and felt like he was being inconsiderate. We wound up kinda arguing at the bar and he walked away from me, I got mad (and called him a dick) and left. I shouldn't have left but I was upset... I made a mistake. When he got home he was mad but he cooled off and we went to bed cuddled. Both kinda upset still I guess but today we were feeling badly and ultimately he said he never wants to lose me and would fight to the death and that this stupid disagreement certainly wouldn't be the end of us.

 

Fast forward, I come to his house tonight (I spend almost every night there) and I'm guarded but we're fine. We wind up watching a moving, making love, and then later on we're cuddled on the couch and he makes a stupid comment saying he has a "chubby butt" and I start laughing and saying nah you have no butt. Completely joking, not a big deal, I love everything about him. He gets mad, gets up, goes out. Comes back and tells me to get out of his house.

 

I'm kinda in shock honestly. It started this whole fight over NOTHING and he brought up last night again saying I embarrassed him and abandoned him (and I feel like he did that to me) and that I obviously don't know how to treat someone I love and he kept saying that I made fun of him yadda yadda and he feels bad about himself. It turned into a screaming match, him yelling and kicking me out, telling me he doesn't love me anymore, taking my key.

 

He called me really horrible names. He said he hates me and doesn't love me and called me the C word and crazy. Kept yelling at me to get out. I kept trying to talk to him like an adult and said that I never was making fun of him, that I love everything about him, etc but he wouldn't let up and it was much more horrible than I could let on with words and I'm shattered.

 

Like I said, he's 37 and I'm 25. We're not kids, especially him, and I'm not sure how his got so horribly out of hand. Half of me thinks it's completely out of proportion and he's being immature and half of me just wants to fix it. I tried to explain I never meant to make fun and that this is silly and I love him so much but he just completely didn't care and became a monster and yelled at me to get out. He broke up with me and said those horrible things. I think he blocked my number.

 

I'm in complete shock. This is coming from a man who on a daily basis says he can't wait to spend the rest of my life with me. He went though an awful divorce and she was craZy and he says I showed him true love in a way he's never felt, we're so crazy in love and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can't understand. I know I need to give him space and hope this works out but I am devastated.

 

Before people argue that it's only been 6 months, I've felt more for this man in 6 months than I've ever felt in years long relationships. He's my best friend. My #1 supporter in life. I love him more than life. I am crushed and hopeless and in shock. My heart is shattered. Is the only optoon to wait it out and hope he comes around? I've never seen him in such a horrible way as he was tonight...

Edited April 29, 2016 by ddlovexx