How does it all fall apart? My heart hurts...

[Methodical]

Men are nearly always on their best behavior the first months and they break down at different times. He couldn't keep that up very long at all and you are just beginning to see the real him.

 

You took the words out of my mouth. A person can put their best foot forward, but maintaining that footing is another ball of wax. His true colors have started coming thru and you're feeling more miserable by the day.

 

Bottom line, he doesn't respect you. Otherwise, he wouldn't continue his now predictable pattern..drinking with the boys, promising to come home at 'X' and then not showing.

 

When he feeds you that line of bull, you already know the end result. What does that say about his priorities and respect for you?

[strawberryshortstack]

Oh and just an update, he texted me a half hour ago saying he was on his way. Then now he's at his friend's place. You're kidding me right?! My heart hurts so much...

 

This man has ZERO respect for you. End it.

[strawberryshortstack]

He's not toxic at all, nothing like my ex. But I can't count on him and the past two weeks have just been unreal and I don't know who he is anymore.

 

I disagree that he isn't toxic - he absolutely is, and here's why:

 

 

He came home at 5am. He doesn't think he did anything wrong except "lose track of time". He keeps saying it was just a guys night and j keep reiterating that that is not the problem. His "intentions" we're good and I said **** that if you don't follow through with them. Kept saying that he was home and we're together and don't blow up over things that don't matter. I can't even believe that he thinks it isn't a big deal.

 

And we're stuck in this snowstorm so I can't even leave. FML.

 

 

He's making your needs and wants completely unimportant.

[No_Go]

Exactly my experience too. The only boticeable thing initially was that when he calls me at night on the phone, he'll sound different - more confident, different voice, VERY talkative... It took me some weeks to connect the dots

 

He was in AA for years and still drunk every.single.night... No exceptions! (I sometimes didn't know... Just discovered his hidden empty bottles later

 

 

Oh, he was drinking. He just hid it from you. Apparently he feels it's fine to let it all hang out now and not hide it anymore because you've been around long enough, I guess.

 

I was dating a guy that hid what a complete alcoholic he was for the first couple of months. But as time wore on, if we'd talk on the phone on any given weeknight, his speech would be slurred and I'd ask him if he'd been drinking and he'd laugh and deny it. But I knew damned well he was drinking and I'd think, 'who drinks to this extreme on a Tuesday night, all alone at home? Who does that?' A beer or wine after work is one thing; drinking until you're buzzed or drunk practically every night of the week is QUITE another.

 

At the 5 month mark, I ended it. I didn't need the crap that goes with being with an alcoholic and I had better things to do with my time. Quite honestly, it wasn't my circus and not my monkeys.

 

If you're smart, you'll do what I did and dump his ass.

[ddlovexx]

Thanks guys. He's being real sweet and I'm so angry but holding it together and pretending to be okay. I'm just counting down the hours until tomorrow when this storm passes and I can get the heck out of here.

 

I'm generally not good with breakups and I'm not one to give up, I tend to hold on too long... But maybe I'm finally learning from my past. I've never been so ready to walk away. Yikes.

[xcupid]

Ditch him. It will only get worse.

[JADIE]

If he wasn't drinking when you met 3 months ago, that was a temporary pause in what is clearly a situation of alcohol abuse.

 

Unless you wish to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, leave now. Otherwise, what you've experience in the last few weeks will just be the new normal for the two of you.

 

THIS. Get out before you're 5 years in and have a birth control failure with this chronic alcoholic like I did 22 yrs ago. Mine could dry out for short periods but he could not adopt a life of sobriety....EVER. And now I have his adult child who is exhibiting strong tendencies towards alcoholism...end the cycle here & now.

[Gaeta]

Thanks guys. He's being real sweet and I'm so angry but holding it together and pretending to be okay. I'm just counting down the hours until tomorrow when this storm passes and I can get the heck out of here.

 

I'm generally not good with breakups and I'm not one to give up, I tend to hold on too long... But maybe I'm finally learning from my past. I've never been so ready to walk away. Yikes.

 

Of course he's sweet. He keeps ditching you.

[Methodical]

Thanks guys. He's being real sweet and I'm so angry but holding it together and pretending to be okay. I'm just counting down the hours until tomorrow when this storm passes and I can get the heck out of here.

 

I'm generally not good with breakups and I'm not one to give up, I tend to hold on too long... But maybe I'm finally learning from my past. I've never been so ready to walk away. Yikes.

 

He's being really sweet bc he is snowed in and can't get to the bars due to a storm.

 

Sorry you're stuck with him for another day, but hang in there. You've got this!

[guest569]

Thanks guys. He's being real sweet and I'm so angry but holding it together and pretending to be okay. I'm just counting down the hours until tomorrow when this storm passes and I can get the heck out of here.

 

I'm generally not good with breakups and I'm not one to give up, I tend to hold on too long... But maybe I'm finally learning from my past. I've never been so ready to walk away. Yikes.

 

I admire your patience with this guy who didnt deserve your patience, and your strength to walk away from it. What he has done to you is really lousy and since he hasn't even apologised properly or done anything to change, you are making the right choice.

[ddlovexx]

We had a talk and he apologized and said that lately he's been finding himself to be selfish and he isn't being a good boyfriend and that he doesn't feel like himself. He said I deserve better and he's not sure what's going on with him, why he can't seem to let himself take it to the next level. He says that he appreciate my patience and my growth so far in the relationship and that I haven't done anything wrong.

 

He said that he needs to handle things (like the other night) better than he has, that there's no reason for him to feel like he can just do whatever he wants with lack of care about it affecting anyone else. He said he loves me and he wants to be that man and that he needs some time to think and get himself together and figure things out. I said that's probably best because I deserve love and respect and someone who is just as crazy about me as I am about them.

 

I love him and I'm hurting but unless there's a real change, this just won't work out. Sometimes he can't get enough of me and other times he seems sick of me. How could married life ever work out that way? Just trying to be strong and think about all of these points and wait it out until he decides how he really feels.

[spiderowl]

Sounds like he's either disrespecting you because he's not that interested or he is testing you to see what you'll put up with. Some guys only respect a woman who puts them in their place. You may only need to do it once, but if he's going to persist like this that is no fun.

 

A guy who drinks a lot is never a good idea.

[ddlovexx]

I've been with a man like that once, he's not the same.

 

Usually when I put my foot down he gets very resistant, I believe his ex wife had been very controlling. I try to learn him and try to figure the best way to handle things.

 

All I can do is wait and see what he comes to feeling/thinking. I have a lot on my mind too so this time will be good.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy sounds like he a has a drinking problem and he's not ready to give up that lifestyle for you. He doesn't place anywhere near the same value on you or the relationship as you do. Keep in mind that you may also be seeing the reasons why his ex-wife was apparently controlling - can you imagine being married to someone so thoughtless? Who has a cozy relationship with alcohol?

 

Sorry, but he's right - you do deserve better. This won't end well.

[ddlovexx]

He got out of bed this morning because he couldn't sleep. I followed him into the kitchen and said "look, I don't know what's going on with you but it's ****ed up and it sucks and... Idk what to do."

 

Warning, possibly TMI here but : He finally spilled it to me that he has been having discharge from his male part, that he unsure if maybe *I* have an STD and gave it to him. He said he's been sitting on this for like a month in hopes it would just go away. This explains why he's been so distant.

 

I haven't even looked at another man since I've been with him. I go to the gyno every 6 months bc I have pre cancer cells so I need extra screenings. I told him I'm sorry, that I'd go get checked if it made him feel better.

 

I just want to get the hell away from him at this point. My car is stuck in ice and it's supposed to get warmer here today by 2-3pm and as soon as I can dig it out, I am out of here faster than lightning. (and I told him this.)

 

There's nothing worse than being with someone that makes you feel alone. I'd rather just be alone.

[introverted1]

Warning, possibly TMI here but : He finally spilled it to me that he has been having discharge from his male part, that he unsure if maybe *I* have an STD and gave it to him. He said he's been sitting on this for like a month in hopes it would just go away. This explains why he's been so distant.

 

You both need to get checked for STDs.

 

Stay safe, ddl.

[ddlovexx]

It's gotten worse somehow.

 

He woke up in a much sweeter mood today, made breakfast, gave me a few kisses, etc. Told me I could stay as long as I need to but I dug out my car and left anyway. He gave me a normal kiss goodbye, told me to let him know I got home safe.

 

I did, and I told him I was planning on going to the clinic tomorrow it prove that I'm fine. He said he loved me and we'd talk soon. I told him to take he time he needs because I deserve better than what's happening right now, and that I miss my boyfriend.

 

Later on, he commented on a pic of me and a guy friend that was taken and posted months ago. Just a snarky comment for no reason, guy is only a friend, it was at a wedding, and before I knew my current BF. I called him out on it and said there's no reason, that he's just a friend and is an old pic, etc. and somehow it turned into a huge text fight and he started being mean, told me "goodnight" and changed his cover photo on FB to his dogs instead of me and him. I don't know why but that crushed me. I sent him a text explaining that he is really hurting me and there's no need to be mean, that this is so unlike him, and that I love him and wish him happiness.

 

I don't know anymore but I'm just hurting so bad. He's giving me the cold shoulder. I don't think I want to be with him anymore, but we haven't officially broken up were planning on at least taking a couple days and then coming together to talk. Now I'm just hurting because... Why was he mean and stupid for no reason? And doing something that he knew would hurt me like taking down the picture of us.

 

I just want to stop hurting. I think he'll text me eventually? Ugh. I know it's best just to let this ride out but it's hard.

Edited January 25, 2016 by ddlovexx

[ddlovexx]

He was really the most wonderful man I'd had the pleasure of knowing. He would constantly tell me how beautiful I was, he would take me everywhere, take pictures, show me off to his friends and fam, talk to me about my dreams, support my musical endeavors. We would laugh together until we cried, cuddle and snuggle under the covers, dance in the living room. He just loved me, you know? I felt so lucky. And now that man has disappeared into the darkness and I'm left feeling alone and confused and unloved.

 

I just want that back. I really believed it was different with him. I don't know how to deal with this part of the loss...

 

I can logically look at it and see that he has an alcohol problem now. He didn't drink when we first got together. He would smoke socially and now he chain smokes. He does things without caring how it affects me... And I know I don't deserve that. It's hard to watch the demise of someone you love. I just want the man I know he is deep down, I miss him.

 

Any tips on dealing with this part of the loss? Seems to be the hardest part for me. I know I should just be thankful that I was able to experience that magic but it's not that simple. My chest is aching...

Edited January 25, 2016 by ddlovexx

[katiegrl]

He was really the most wonderful man I'd had the pleasure of knowing. He would constantly tell me how beautiful I was, he would take me everywhere, take pictures, show me off to his friends and fam, talk to me about my dreams, support my musical endeavors. We would laugh together until we cried, cuddle and snuggle under the covers, dance in the living room. He just loved me, you know? I felt so lucky. And now that man has disappeared into the darkness and I'm left feeling alone and confused and unloved.

 

I just want that back. I really believed it was different with him. I don't know how to deal with this part of the loss...

 

I can logically look at it and see that he has an alcohol problem now. He didn't drink when we first got together. He would smoke socially and now he chain smokes. He does things without caring how it affects me... And I know I don't deserve that. It's hard to watch the demise of someone you love. I just want the man I know he is deep down, I miss him.

 

Any tips on dealing with this part of the loss? Seems to be the hardest part for me. I know I should just be thankful that I was able to experience that magic but it's not that simple. My chest is aching...

 

Oh my goodness, you are all over the place. Less than three hours ago you posted on your other thread how mean and horrible he is ...and that you need to get away from him!

 

And now three hours later, he is the most wonderful man you've ever known????

 

I am so confused, or is this guy ^^ a different guy?

 

Please get yourself into some therapy.... I am worried about you now.

 

Take good care.

 

hugs

Edited January 25, 2016 by katiegrl

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I looked at your other thread to try and get some context. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/566772-i-think-i-need-break-off

 

I'm not surprised you are a mess right now. He has turned from prince charming into a nightmare. Not only the excessive drinking, but the mind games as well.

 

There is a nasty side coming out in him. Pleading with you to come over, only to not be there, and then not showing up for many hours, then trivializing his behavior.

 

When he finally accepted the fact that he has a problem, he immediately turned it round, and blamed you for his behavior, because he thinks you might have given him an std. Whether that is true or not doesn't matter. It is a separate issue. It doesn't give him the right to use it to play mind games.

 

It worked exactly the way he wanted though, because you became apologetic and took away his accountability. Next thing he does is comment on an old photo of you and a friend to belittle you.

 

I know I am just going over things you have already said, but seriously, to an outsider this guy is showing his true colors. He is manipulative, insensitive, and untrustworthy.

 

It doesn't matter how amazing he was three weeks ago, what matters is the guy you are dealing with right now.

 

I know you are hurting and confused, but how is that any difference then how you were feeling when you were at his house at 2am, wondering why he insisted you come over if he was going to stay out all night. At least if you free of him you can gain some control of the situation.

 

It is better to be alone then in the company of someone who makes you feel that way. The sooner you rip the band aide off and dump him officially, the sooner you can heal.

[ddlovexx]

He IS being mean and horrible right now, giving me the silent treatment...and like I said I can see it for what it is for sure. That's just not what this thread was about. It's about dealing with the loss of this guy I thought I found 3 months ago. It's only gotten bad in the last 2 weeks. I just keep thinking about when he was great back in October. Like I said, I know he isn't right now.

 

Just wish I could go back to a couple months ago. I miss it so much...

[Buddhist]

He was really the most wonderful man I'd had the pleasure of knowing.

 

The problem was, you didn't know him. That was not him, that was an act.

 

I can logically look at it and see that he has an alcohol problem now. He didn't drink when we first got together. He would smoke socially and now he chain smokes. He does things without caring how it affects me... And I know I don't deserve that. It's hard to watch the demise of someone you love. I just want the man I know he is deep down, I miss him.

 

You're not watching the demise of someone you love. You're watching the emergence of the real him, someone you don't love.

 

Any tips on dealing with this part of the loss? Seems to be the hardest part for me. I know I should just be thankful that I was able to experience that magic but it's not that simple. My chest is aching...

 

He sounds like a guy who loves to be in love. The trouble with that is, he doesn't care who he's in love with. He's just living for the process. Once that first love turns into commitment he's being himself to get rid of you so he can chase that first love again.

 

From someone who was in a relationship with this kind of guy. It hurts like hell to realise none of it was real. But that's the simple truth of it, and there is no making sense of why. The sooner you accept that the guy you met is never returning, the better off you will be. He is acting out a desire to break up with you but doesn't want to take any responsibility for doing that, so he's being an obvious arse to make you disappear.

 

I can guarantee within a few days of you never contacting him again he'll be romancing another woman, if he isn't already. These are the traits of a narcissist. I know you will tell me I'm wrong and he's not that person. I said the same thing to all of my friends too. It took me 2yrs to admit, that's what he was. You don't matter to him, the only person that matters to him is himself.

 

What they do is make you feel like the 'one' during the idealisation phase then as soon as infatuation is over you are the worst person in the world. You were never seen for you, you were always an object to aggrandise his own sense of self. As soon as you emerged as a distinct personality separate from him, he devalued you. Now he's playing his hand to make you disappear as quickly as possible. This is crazy making for you, but the sooner you quit the situation the better. Who he was when you first started dating will never return.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Buddhist

[smudge21]

I firmly believe that when my ex left, the person I was wanting back wasn't really her; but the fantasy of her that I'd created in my mind. I'd built her up to be this amazing perfect person that would make my life equally perfect. I also made myself believe that she loved me as much as I loved her and that every day she was thinking of me as I was of her. It wasn't true. All the hopes and dreams I had were just my hopes and dreams, she never shared them. That perfect person was those same hopes and dreams manifested into a real person, masking her true self. I knew she was bad news, yet I refused to see it. Those rose tinted love specs just refused to let me see the truth. Couple all that together and no wonder I was hooked, but hooked on a fantasy not a reality.

 

 

From your posts, it seems you are going through the same - able to know this guy is bad, but unable to allow yourself to accept it. You have built him up to be perfect, beyond measure, better than all around, no one else will ever do. Yet, he hurts you badly. How can something that hurts you be perfect? It's your mind and your heart holding on to that fantasy, that perfect image, and refusing to let go. But it's not really him, it's what you want him to be that you're chasing after, that you're wanting back. Only through time will you understand that and be able to see the truth. Took me nearly a year to do just that. A year of wanting someone that never actually existed.

[Truth34]

First off, well said, Buddhist. Literally hard to read because it was articulated with no chance for denial.

 

Secondly, OP, reading your initial post strikes a chord with most people on this forum. Not a one can deny that feeling, the constant questioning of txts or what they had told you one night.. It is scary to watch something with seemingly so much promise and substance turn to an ugly memory. So I understand the pain and the shock of the whole matter, and just know that you as a person will make it through. I wont deny that these experiences forever alter our perspectives, though you cannot let bad experiences and relationships ruin the possibility of future ones.

 

Whatever you do, take the time to grieve and assess the situation. But don't blame, no what ifs, and understand that someone who was in love with you wouldn't do this.

[basil67]

The guy you are seeing now IS who this guy is deep down. The person you got to know at the start of it all was an imposter on his best behaviour.

 

I should add that the imposter's behaviour at the start was too good to be true. As soon as I started reading all the lovely stuff he did, I thought "this isn't going to end well".

 

You fell in love with a fake. I'm not being mean - I'm trying to give you the clarity you need to move on.