emilyc Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) Hi there, i am looking for any sort of advice, long story short, my ex and myself were together for 2yrs, i take full responsibility for the break up, i carried past baggage in our relationship and pushed him away as i was scared to trust etc... we argued, and argued bad!..... he left me in september 2015 which i understand why he left, but we continued to see each other as if we were still together, every so often i would ask where i stood? i have children which were not his and they are so very attached so to protect them and myself from more attachment i would ask where i stood, this would get him angry and we would fight, the more i asked the more i could feel he was drifting away so i over compensated, walked on eggshells and bent over backwards, the only answer i could get was "do what makes you happy" by december he was oh so cold and short but would still see the kids and i, he would sleep over but very somewhat distant, the usual question would pop up "do i let go and move on?" and i would get the usual "do what make you happy" we spent new years eve together, passionately kissed on midnight, i told him i loved him, he kept quiet and then said "i love you too, i always have or did" (not sure which one) we spent 3 days together, he went home but was rude and cold, i knew something was up, we had a debate i lost it and spiralled as i was so confused, i asked him if he wanted me out of his life to just say it..and he said "sort yourself out on the valiums"... days went by an on his birthday i found text messages on my laptop and i caught him talking to other girls and one in particular which started early december, i caught him out and he has blocked me on everything.....my world crumbled....but what i am confused about is the day after i caught him out he paid my internet phone and cable bill and he pays that for me without me asking, i would of thought being caught out and being done he would of cut it off... he also sends imesssage to my kids saying he loves them and misses them alot and sends pics of himself pulling funny faces etc, my children are young and they love him so, i cant help but feel, if he is completely done why engage with children that are not even his....i have no way of contacting him myself and at the moment i cant bare to tell my children... i just feel why continue to pay my bills which i am happy to pay myself but they are in his name and why continue to stay in contact with my kids and reply every single time they message him with "I miss you both lots xxxxx" and "i love you too" messages. If anything most guys would be like "pft im out, not my kids, not my bill to pay" i am so utterly confused, some say he feels guilt and feels sorry for my kids and i and others say, his not done and most guys say, "i would never pay my ex's bill and stay in contact with kids that arnt even mine" any advice would be appreciated as my head is constantly thinking, analyzing and wondering. He knows im not angry about the other girls as i beleive it was me that pushed him elsewhere with my snap attacks. thank you!!! Edited January 25, 2016 by emilyc
louxor Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Hi there, i am looking for any sort of advice, long story short, my ex and myself were together for 2yrs, i take full responsibility for the break up, i carried past baggage in our relationship and pushed him away as i was scared to trust etc... we argued, and argued bad!..... he left me in september 2015 which i understand why he left, but we continued to see each other as if we were still together, every so often i would ask where i stood? i have children which were not his and they are so very attached so to protect them and myself from more attachment i would ask where i stood, this would get him angry and we would fight, the more i asked the more i could feel he was drifting away so i over compensated, walked on eggshells and bent over backwards, the only answer i could get was "do what makes you happy" by december he was oh so cold and short but would still see the kids and i, he would sleep over but very somewhat distant, the usual question would pop up "do i let go and move on?" and i would get the usual "do what make you happy" we spent new years eve together, passionately kissed on midnight, i told him i loved him, he kept quiet and then said "i love you too, i always have or did" (not sure which one) we spent 3 days together, he went home but was rude and cold, i knew something was up, we had a debate i lost it and spiralled as i was so confused, i asked him if he wanted me out of his life to just say it..and he said "sort yourself out on the valiums"... days went by an on his birthday i found text messages on my laptop and i caught him talking to other girls and one in particular which started early december, i caught him out and he has blocked me on everything.....my world crumbled....but what i am confused about is the day after i caught him out he paid my internet phone and cable bill and he pays that for me without me asking, i would of thought being caught out and being done he would of cut it off... he also sends imesssage to my kids saying he loves them and misses them alot and sends pics of himself pulling funny faces etc, my children are young and they love him so, i cant help but feel, if he is completely done why engage with children that are not even his....i have no way of contacting him myself and at the moment i cant bare to tell my children... i just feel why continue to pay my bills which i am happy to pay myself but they are in his name and why continue to stay in contact with my kids and reply every single time they message him with "I miss you both lots xxxxx" and "i love you too" messages. If anything most guys would be like "pft im out, not my kids, not my bill to pay" i am so utterly confused, some say he feels guilt and feels sorry for my kids and i and others say, his not done and most guys say, "i would never pay my ex's bill and stay in contact with kids that arnt even mine" any advice would be appreciated as my head is constantly thinking, analyzing and wondering. He knows im not angry about the other girls as i beleive it was me that pushed him elsewhere with my snap attacks. thank you!!! I think you need to sort out the issues in bold before anything else. Having been in a relationship in the past with someone who had similar issues, I can say that after a while it becomes so tedious: "who are you texting? why didn't you call? Why do you have a password on your phone? Who's at the party with you? Who's this girl who added you on facebook? These are just a few of the things that I got fed up with, she never trusted me despite her trust issues having nothing to do with me. I was open about everything but it gets to a point where it becomes such a burden to report every single detail in order to stop them from losing their sh*t due to not trusting. Being with someone who didn't trust me (with no valid reason for doing so) was probably one of the most tiring relationships I've ever been in, and I'm very glad I got out of it when I did. Now, I'm not sure how your trust issues compare to that, but either way, if someone doesn't feel free in a relationship it is never going to work. This particular ex tried to control everything in order to fit with her trust issues and it drove me to resent her. You must not bring baggage into a relationship if you wish for things to last. ---- As for the kids, he is probably still in contact with them as he still does love them (your break up has nothing to do with them), so he doesn't see the need to make them go through it as well. That's my opinion anyway!
Author emilyc Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 Hey thanks for your insight, i have worked on my baggage that came when he left me the first time, he claimed he noticed a change so thereafter i only pumped him on where i stood with him, obviously it pushed him away, i just dont get why he continues to pay my bills!! i tried to disconnect it myself but it is in his name, he paid $250 on the bill the day after i caught him out talking to other girls haha!!! it doest make sense! as for the kids yes are right, he does love them and they him, just makes me abit arrrgh if my daughter mentions names he replies "who is that?" .... not sure if the door is slightly open, or if his completely done..... i have learnt my hard lessons and yes i am hard of learning... ha :/ learnt the hard way, just wanting some clarity. Maybe i just have to accept he used me and led me on. times like these i wish i could turn back the hands of time. thank you again for your thoughts.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 What did he mean by sort yourself out on the Valium? Do you take or abuse prescription drugs? It sounds to me like it's really over, yes. I imagine he doesn't want to hurt your kids, hence replying to them and still being kind to them. As for paying the bills, perhaps he feels a sense of responsibility toward you or feels guilty. But in the future, don't accept his offer. I don't think he used you, though. You knew you weren't together and stuck around anyway. I don't see anywhere where he told you were getting back together. I understand it's hard to let go, but if anything, I believe you led yourself on.
renny Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 This is a very sad situation you find yourself in. But it's up to you to get yourself out of it. It sounds like from a relationship standpoint, he's done. But he still cares deeply for your kids. Obviously you still love him, and him continuing to contact your kids is just prolonging your pain. If he's still messaging your kids, then there should be a way to contact him back. Regardless of who's fault it is, if he's done, than he needs to leave you and your kids alone so you can move on. Next time he contacts your children, see if there's a way, any way to message him, let him know that he's hurting you, and if he's not coming back, to leave you and your family in peace. The long this drags on, the deeper the hurt to you.
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