Emotional and Verbal Abuse

[milotheblue]

I'm falling apart and need to get this all out.

 

I'm trapped in a relationship that I can't leave. Sure, I could break it off, but then it puts me in a really bad situation. As I just moved to this state recently, I don't know anyone and have nowhere else I can go. The short version: the mother of my kids met someone online and decided in less than 2 months that she was moving to live with him. Selling all my stuff to make the move work, I managed to make it here. I have my kids three days a week.

 

The emotional abuse and verbal abuse is out of control. Living with her, I figured worst-case scenario I would have to just suck it up and save up money for 3 or 4 months. But now I can barely make it a day. My confidence has been stripped away and I'm at an all time low where I feel like a complete pos. I even asked the mother of my kids if she would be willing to have the kids on my days if it ever gets outs of control. It would kill me to be away from them, but I rather they didn't have to be around it or have to watch their dad get torn down. And that's exactly it, I feel broken and have no way to escape. I've even thought about sleeping on the streets, but I don't have enough money to pay for storage for my stuff and it gets to be -30 or colder at times.

 

It started off with just petty arguments every couple of weeks. Someone didn't do dishes, or she feels like she is the only one who does something around the house. It didn't matter if someone did help around the house, she was the victim and seeing anything from a rational stand point was not going to work. Blaming everyone else, even her own daughter, is easier than her considering her part and how she is acting.

 

It moved on to weekly arguments. Using past problems and never being able to just discuss anything calmly. It quickly became about verbally attacking and belittling. Then it became serious, such as guilt trips, threatens, and emotional blackmail. For example, a few weeks ago she flipped out on me because I wasn't in the mood to have sex. We were coming back from having a good time at the movie theater and it was freezing out, we were shivering on the way home. She had 40 minutes till she had to go to work, so a combination of being frozen cold and the rush, I just didn't feel like it. She started off with "it's always on your terms, you never want to do anything". Which isn't the truth, far from it. Her words are generally "you're always doing this". That sex argument became an argument about a bunch of different things. Like how she was upset that I I had a decent conversation with my ex on the phone. It's the mother of my kids, and she had asked me recently how my birthday went. I simply asked if she had a good birthday and how the kids were. It feels like she almost gets off on making me her punching bag.

 

These arguments are getting worse, where I'm continously getting told what I do wrong, and how she is such a victim. If I try to leave the house, she threatens that I should not come back then, knowing darn well I have no where I can go. It's become a nightmare that I can't escape and I feel ashamed that I'm in this situation. I don't know what to do anymore, because I'm still far off till I can afford to move out.

[amaysngrace]

You live with your kids mom? Or you are with another woman that is not your kids mom?

 

I had a very hard time following what you wrote but I hope your situation improves soon. If I were you I'd take a second job so that you can have the money to move and also avoid some of the drama at home until that time comes.

[milotheblue]

I re-read my post and can see why that would be confusing. It won't let me edit, but I'm living with the girlfriend. The mother of my kids is living with her new guy.

 

I hope it changes too. I told myself I could emotionally hold up till I got enough money, but I'm starting to see now that this is really tearing me down. I hear about emotional abuse happening to women, but not so often to men. I feel embarrassed. I've moved past the point of denial. I just know I'm calling the abuse hotline tonight, I can't do this anymore.

[preraph]

I think a homeless shelter or calling a domestic violence line and seeking out a shelter there might help you get back on your feet. The ex or one of your parents ought to take the kids for awhile. You're right about they shouldn't be experiencing this.

[amaysngrace]

So it's your GF who abuses you? Or your exW?

 

Whoever dredges up the past to keep being mad at you isn't fighting fairly and you don't need to take it. If she starts with you tell her to leave you alone and if she won't then leave your house for a little while until she calms down.

 

Get a second job so you can have enough money to leave this horrible person. Then you'll take your power back.

[spiderowl]

It sounds awful. It also sounds as if your girlfriend is feeling very angry underneath and this is bubbling out in all sorts of ways. I think I would feel pretty unhappy in her situation too. You have taken her across country to live somewhere she doesn't know because you want to be with your children (perfectly reasonable to want to be with your children). From girlfriend's point of view though, she is having to share you with your children, your ex-wife, and now live in a different place too. She must feel she compromising all the time. At the back of her mind, she must be wondering if you love your wife more than her. Any sign that you are getting on OK with your wife will seem like a massive threat to her. She has said as much.

 

Having said that, I can't see that you could have done differently. Basically, you are both in a very difficult and stressful situation. It might help you if you could access some counselling or something similar, someone you can talk to about this whole stressful situation. Somehow in all this, it would also help if you could be loving and supportive of your girlfriend. She is feeling hurt and neglected by the situation and is struggling to cope. She is afraid you will end up back with your wife. I know you don't feel you have the mental resources now to be loving towards someone who is giving you a hard time. This is why I suggest counselling to help you to recover so you can offer more to her.

 

Also, having said the above, your girlfriend shouldn't be abusing you. I am trying to give you an idea where this anger might be coming from, but ultimately, there is no reason why you should put up with it. Calling the abuse hotline might provide the support you need to either improve the relationship or find a way of getting out.

Edited January 26, 2016 by spiderowl

[Miss Peach]

I would do whatever you possibly can to get out of there. Could you store stuff with you XW since it sounds like she might be the only person you know? You're right in that it's not a good situation to expose your kids to.

[Satu]

Nobody deserves to be abused.

 

 

Look at this list and decide for yourself if you are being abused.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

 

 

(The more of these that apply, the more serious the situation.)

Edited January 27, 2016 by Satu

[Miss Peach]

Satu - Can you post or PM me the link for this list? It would be useful for some people I know in an abusive relationship.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry. It's soul destroying to live like that. It slowly chips away at who you are & creates a depression which makes it very hard to work towards a solution.

 

How long have you been in this relationship? Did you meet her once you moved there & move in with her? Is she living with you or vise versa?

 

Have you tried getting extra work so you can rent your own little place? Is your ex in a situation (& understanding enough) to let you not pay child support or alimony for a while so you can get on your feet?

 

A second job that pays tips, bar work etc could be good.

Do you have a lot of debt that you're paying off? That can be managed.

 

The problem I see is you will have trouble seeing your kids if you don't have a home.

 

How far off are you from being able to afford a cheap little place on your own? Is it doable with 2 jobs?