Maliel Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 What would you do in this situation? My boyfriend of two years spent the night at my house and he woke up the next morning (this morning) complaining that his back and chest were sore. He walked back to his house in the snow and after i dug my car out, I wanted to stop at his place and help him since he didn't have anyone else to help and he had a lot of shovel, and he said he was sore. I drive over, I can tell he was surprised but I was glad to see him and help. After about ten minutes he finally asks, "Did you try texting or calling before you came over?" I said that I tried texting him but I figured he wasn't around his phone anyway since he was probably outside. He ended up telling me that next time I shouldn't just show up without asking. I was so hurt. Here I am trying to be thoughtful by doing something completely altruistic and he basically finds a way to complain and make me feel like I did something wrong. Did I do something wrong? If someone did this for me (anyone, not just a significant other) I would have been sooo appreciative. Anyway, I was so shocked by how ungrateful and unappreciative he was that I just ended up leaving. What should I make of this?
Mjm1014 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Wow just wow...I wish I could find a girl as thoughtful as you. That's super nice of you. You need to re-evaluate things if he doesn't turn around and give you a big apology. There's no need to put you down especially when you were going out of your way to help. If I were you I'd be so turned off. 3
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 You have been with this guy for two years, so no I don't think you are being unreasonable for feeling upset and confused. It almost sounds like he has something to hide to be honest. Is he a secretive person in general? Does he excluded you from other areas of his life and disappear regularly without explanation? Something seems off.. 7
LostOnes05 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Wow...he certainly was being a jerk. I'm glad you had enough self respect to leave. After a few months, I wouldn't care if my girlfriend showed up without calling. I'd be wary about his behavior. Has he been distant? I'm wondering if he was going to go back out or if he might have been expecting someone. I wouldn't speak to him until he reached out AND apologized/explained ...especially after 2 years together. 1
basil67 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 At two years in, I wouldn't expect to have to call first. I too, think he's hiding something. Have you ever gone over unannounced before? Was he cool with it then? 1
MissBee Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 You have been with this guy for two years, so no I don't think you are being unreasonable for feeling upset and confused. It almost sounds like he has something to hide to be honest. Is he a secretive person in general? Does he excluded you from other areas of his life and disappear regularly without explanation? Something seems off.. I agree. I understand if it's early in the dating process or something or I dunno, if you just showed up unannounced for some other reason, but to drive to his house to help him shovel OUTSIDE, for him to complain about why you didn't text before you did, in a 2 year relationship, sounds like he has something to hide. As Scarlett asked, is he generally like this? Where he is very secretive and touchy about his space or where he excludes you? 1
Httm Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Perhaps he lashed out because he was in pain. Doesn't make it right though... 1
Author Maliel Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 is he generally like this? Where he is very secretive and touchy about his space or where he excludes you? He used to be like this a lot but he has been very inclusive as of the past several months. I've met his friends and get along with them. I get along with his mom. I feel like if there was someone else I would have known about it by now, or at least heard about it from someone. He is really touchy about his personal space so maybe he just felt weird about it but, it is weird for him to impose a 'call before you come by' restriction on me... that makes me feel like a stranger. He texted me hours later just saying 'sorry i was cranky.' I didn't respond. I have no idea how to handle this and I honestly feel like he will just turn it around, blame me and say I was rude for just showing up. I was just trying to be helpful
angel.eyes Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Did I do something wrong? If someone did this for me (anyone, not just a significant other) I would have been sooo appreciative. Anyway, I was so shocked by how ungrateful and unappreciative he was that I just ended up leaving. What should I make of this? He's training you not to show up when he's doesn't expect you. He doesn't want to worry about awkward surprises in the future. Hmmm. Who behaves this way? Cheaters for one. You did nothing wrong. 5
Author Maliel Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 I wouldn't speak to him until he reached out AND apologized/explained ...especially after 2 years together. He texted saying 'sorry i've been cranky.' I didn't answer, i feel like i deserve way more than just that and the fact that he hasn't been more apologetic or reached out to me more makes me feel like he thinks he was justified in how he treated me. What should I do from here? Just ignore him? I'm so turned off and the feelings of being unappreciated and like he doesn't care about me are so potent at this point, i almost don't even want to be with him. How do I handle my response to this?
katiegrl Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 He used to be like this a lot but he has been very inclusive as of the past several months. I've met his friends and get along with them. I get along with his mom. I feel like if there was someone else I would have known about it by now, or at least heard about it from someone. He is really touchy about his personal space so maybe he just felt weird about it but, it is weird for him to impose a 'call before you come by' restriction on me... that makes me feel like a stranger. He texted me hours later just saying 'sorry i was cranky.' I didn't respond. I have no idea how to handle this and I honestly feel like he will just turn it around, blame me and say I was rude for just showing up. I was just trying to be helpful If it were me, I would accept his apology and let it go. He was in pain and probably tired as he couldn't sleep last night. Then had to shovel etc. If everything else is going well, and you trust him, don't make a huge monumental deal about it (not that you would), just say, "okay, apology accepted" and let it go. And call/text next time. Obviously he does not like surprises like this! That is his boundary, respect it. That is how I would handle anyway. I am glad he apologized! 2
MissBee Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 He's training you not to show up when he's doesn't expect you. He doesn't want to worry about awkward surprises in the future. Hmmm. Who behaves this way? Cheaters for one. You did nothing wrong. Even if he is not a cheater, to me, it spells weird intimacy issues if you require a 2 year significant other to always text before coming over to help. Even if I wasn't expecting it, if a bf came over to shovel my snow, I am not gonna wait 10 minutes to then say 'Well...why didn't you text???" I mean...for fuxx sake! That just seems EXTREMELY anal to be worried about that when they are shoveling your snow for you. IMO, even if he's not a cheater, like you said, it makes you feel like a stranger and not his SO when he acts like that. Some people never want true intimacy and do little things to erect boundaries, like never sleeping over, never allowing the person to come over unannounced or various measures that erect boundaries....for me, I would feel insulted if after 2 years I did this and all my bf was concerned about was why I didn't text (although I did but he hadn't replied). That type of anal behavior would not make me feel very close to them. Perhaps you should simply wait until the next time you two hang out to bring up how this kind of thing makes you feel , face to face, and maybe you two can talk it through and come to an agreement. 1
Author Maliel Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 If it were me, I would accept his apology and let it go. He was in pain and probably tired as he couldn't sleep last night. Then had to shovel etc I can't just let it go. It was just a huge slap in the face. He never even offered to help me dig my car out. There's a huge level of entitlement. He acts like a spoiled child and to a degree, he is still one. To get mad at someone, or criticize them on any level for coming to HELP you shovel, not even trying to make plans or come into the house, screams rigid and ungrateful personality to me. Shoveling sucks and if anyone tried to help me, i'd be so appreciative I think that I almost wouldn't even care if they accidentally sideswiped my car trying to park somewhere in the snow. You don't criticize someone for doing something nice for you, that screams selfish, end of story. 1
angel.eyes Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Maliel, I'm curious. Does he have a conniption when his neighbor walks over to chat with him while he's standing in his driveway? Would he be as upset about having his personal space "invaded," as he seems to be in this instance?
angel.eyes Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I can't just let it go. It was just a huge slap in the face. He never even offered to help me dig my car out. There's a huge level of entitlement. He acts like a spoiled child and to a degree, he is still one. To get mad at someone, or criticize them on any level for coming to HELP you shovel, not even trying to make plans or come into the house, screams rigid and ungrateful personality to me. Shoveling sucks and if anyone tried to help me, i'd be so appreciative I think that I almost wouldn't even care if they accidentally sideswiped my car trying to park somewhere in the snow. You don't criticize someone for doing something nice for you, that screams selfish, end of story. Perhaps it's time to reflect on whether he is the right boyfriend for you. He's not the only fishy in the ocean. Part of dating is figuring out compatibility and whether someone is a good fit for YOU. I personally couldn't imagine dating someone who was spoiled, entitled, self-centered, and unreasonably secretive. But that's me. What works for you? 1
No_Go Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I see your intentions were good and the guy acted selfish, but still, I think you should accept his boundaries. 2 years are a long time, but you're not living together, I assume for a reason (he prefers more space?) With my BF, before I moved in with him, I expected 24 h notice for our next meet time. Once he was on a weekend trip and asked me to meet on a very short notice after he returned, I remember my friend looked at me as if I was crazy that I agreed... I mean he gave me notice that he'll come to pick me up, but it was earlier in the same day. If I was not meeting him, I usually have made another plans, so it would be weird if he showed up unexpectedly. I understand you were having a great intention, to help with a sh*tty task of shoveling, he under-appreciated your gesture, but since it is just once - let it go... I can't just let it go. It was just a huge slap in the face. He never even offered to help me dig my car out. There's a huge level of entitlement. He acts like a spoiled child and to a degree, he is still one. To get mad at someone, or criticize them on any level for coming to HELP you shovel, not even trying to make plans or come into the house, screams rigid and ungrateful personality to me. Shoveling sucks and if anyone tried to help me, i'd be so appreciative I think that I almost wouldn't even care if they accidentally sideswiped my car trying to park somewhere in the snow. You don't criticize someone for doing something nice for you, that screams selfish, end of story. 1
Author Maliel Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 Perhaps it's time to reflect on whether he is the right boyfriend for you. He's not the only fishy in the ocean. Part of dating is figuring out compatibility and whether someone is a good fit for YOU. I personally couldn't imagine dating someone who was spoiled, entitled, self-centered, and unreasonably secretive. But that's me. What works for you? I'm definitely analyzing that at this point. It's so hypocritical too because he always says how he hates selfish people yet, that's exactly what he has been to me on so many occasions.
katiegrl Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) I can't just let it go. It was just a huge slap in the face. He never even offered to help me dig my car out. There's a huge level of entitlement. He acts like a spoiled child and to a degree, he is still one. To get mad at someone, or criticize them on any level for coming to HELP you shovel, not even trying to make plans or come into the house, screams rigid and ungrateful personality to me. Shoveling sucks and if anyone tried to help me, i'd be so appreciative I think that I almost wouldn't even care if they accidentally sideswiped my car trying to park somewhere in the snow. You don't criticize someone for doing something nice for you, that screams selfish, end of story. I agree ....if it were me, and he came unannounced to help me shovel, I would be extremely appreciative! But he is not you, and has completely different boundaries from you. Plus he was in pain, tired, and as he said cranky. And he did apologize! Don't condemn him yet, either let it go this time or talk about it. Not in an accusing way, but so you understand what was going on with him, and why he reacted that way. JMO Edited January 25, 2016 by katiegrl
preraph Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 After two years, he either has something to hide or has control issues -- unless, of course, he's talked to you in the past about needing space or you being clingy or something like that. I mean, I don't know what's in the past. But after two years, I agree something doesn't add up. Anyway, I would hold him to the same rules he's holding you to.
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 He likes his space and he felt disrespected with you just showing up unannounced....not saying you were not being thoughtful, he should have recognized that for sure, but you two had different perspectives that clashed right at that moment. He was already in a mood, and you caught him off guard.....it was just a circumstance. Now he's not a bad guy, he did apologized. This is YOUR opportunity to let him know your perspective on how it was a slap on the face, not because he was ungrateful for the gesture, but how hurtful it was to find out that you have to contact him to get approval to come over and that it meant something to you that is negative. This is a discussion you both need to have so you both can understand each other. I see your point, but I do see his. You are just BF/GF, and IMO he has a right to set a privacy boundary. You are not engaged, married, or even living together so just because you have been dating each other for 2 years, still doesn't give you entitlement. I dunno maybe it's time to reassess this relationship....maybe it doesn't have a future and this incident is a hint that there is something not right .
katiegrl Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) The more I think about this, it's possible that, generally speaking, he would not have a problem with her coming over unannounced .... he just did on "that" particular day as, for whatever reason, he needed some space. There were a couple of threads running last week discussing men and "cave" time ...needing space for a day, or two, or longer sometimes. They spent Saturday night together and he wanted to go home Sunday. Nothing wrong with that! Perhaps he just needed some space, and by her coming over unannounced...he felt she was intruding on that space. Before my boyfriend (now ex) and I moved in together, I don't think I would ever just show up at his place unannounced without calling first. I just wouldn't. I respected his privacy, as he respected mine as well. We both appreciated that in each other. Not saying OP was *wrong*, per se, I just know I wouldn't. In any event, on any other day, he may have had no problem with it. Just on "this" day, he was in pain, tired and cranky and simply wanted to be alone. So when he saw her, he snapped. And he apologized. I say give the guy a freaking break and let it go. Edited January 25, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I'm definitely analyzing that at this point. It's so hypocritical too because he always says how he hates selfish people yet, that's exactly what he has been to me on so many occasions. He's been selfish on so many occasions? So it's not just about *this* one incident then, is it. There is more to it, as there usually always is.
angel.eyes Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) Straw...meet the camel's back. You don't typically go on about how entitled and childish someone is and how he is going to blame shift yet again...over a single incident. As I suggested, it's time to take a serious look at whether the relationship works for her. Edited January 25, 2016 by angel.eyes
Ami1uwant Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 He used to be like this a lot but he has been very inclusive as of the past several months. I've met his friends and get along with them. I get along with his mom. I feel like if there was someone else I would have known about it by now, or at least heard about it from someone. He is really touchy about his personal space so maybe he just felt weird about it but, it is weird for him to impose a 'call before you come by' restriction on me... that makes me feel like a stranger. He texted me hours later just saying 'sorry i was cranky.' I didn't respond. I have no idea how to handle this and I honestly feel like he will just turn it around, blame me and say I was rude for just showing up. I was just trying to be helpful After 2 yrs this is weird.....I could see a reaction if he always come to you but you rarely come to him. I think there may be something else going on...not sure if he is cheating on you but the potential might be there. The other isdue--was he married before? Has kids with the ex?
Author Maliel Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 No kids, never married, no real ex. I'm his first real relationship. He's 28.
Recommended Posts